sitting in church tonight, i realized the enormity of the change in my life cannot go unacknowledged. so, my thoughts go back to that fateful phone call last summer in the lab that started me on this present journey. tomorrow, i start a brand new era of my life. tonight, i remember the past, and offer both to Jesus, praising His name that my life has been forever altered. i offer these words as my altar to Him:
the sky is grey and the light is far
the sea is a rage within my heart
i turn my sight to the crashing waves
i cry in the night just to be saved
i need eyes to be my guide
i need a voice that’s louder than mine
i need hope
i need You
cause i can’t do this alone
grace i call Your name
oh won’t Your smile fall over me
i’m cracked and dry on hands and knees
oh sweet grace rain down on me
i need You grace
i pray for dawn a new day to live
i pray for mercy only Jesus gives
though darkness falls and a million cry
i believe over all there’s a greater light shining for us
come down and save me
-- grace, by phil wickham
8.26.2007
8.06.2007
fences
i learned a lesson this summer.
somewhere along the way, i've realized that this season is one of preparation - a time of transition - for the next. i've recognized that this present journey is from dot to dot, each one bringing me back to my heart, and ultimately, His heart.
i spent the spring and early summer months traveling. i do this every spring. it's vital to my heart, and a very intentional way of removing myself from all that is familiar and seeking Him. now, don't get me wrong - i am more fully alive when i am traveling with Him, allowing Him to show me things about myself that i have forgotten, but it's not all easy, or even fun. i spend a lot of that time in self-reflection, allowing Him to show me the many things about myself that need to be more fully His. some of it's ugly. really ugly. but some of it's not.
this may, i was in florida. we went for a quick trip over to crystal river. there is a manatee refuge there, and our intention was to visit the refuge, explore the river, and generally just do something different. we ended up kayaking out to a place on the river called three sisters. it's a natural spring - well, 3 of them. it's absolutely stunning. i'll put some pics up after i finish getting these thoughts out of my head and into written form...
i've never kayaked before... and it was hard work... and i loved it. the Lord got a lot of mileage out of those 2 days. He showed me the way He had fashioned my heart for His creation - or more correctly, for restoring what we've lost due to poor stewardship or just plain ignorance. (i began this thought process in steward but haven't really expounded on that line of thought yet...) He also showed me that i love the hard work and the solitude and the mystery of kayaking. sounds silly, i know, but surely you've figured out that this is going somewhere...
when i got home, to say i was restless is an absurd understatement. i was going crazy. one day, my nephew was here and i decided that young boys and incredibly restless aunts need to go out and live a little. so i went to the mighty web and lo and behold, there is a local kayak club, and surprise, surprise... they were having a "demo day" on the lsu lakes that very day. after a little arguing with myself, i decided to go for it. i grabbed my nephew and off we went. we got to the lakes, signed our lives away, picked out a couple of boats, and the next thing we knew, we were paddling around the lakes.
if you know anything about the lakes at all, you know that they are yuck. they are shallow, polluted and only God knows what's actually in them... but none of that mattered. we were off on an adventure, alive and loving it. we decided to look for a deep spot to jump in the water to cool off for a sec, heebie jeebies about the lakes and all. it was H-O-T hot. so we set out toward the center of the lake, checking the depth every so often with our paddles. we finally found a spot that was ~5 feet - deep enough to keep my feet off the nasty bottom - and in we went. i hooked my feet on my kayak and just floated, enjoying the pounding of my heart ( i really, really hate nasty, can't-see-anything water) and the joy in my nephew's eyes. we were cutting up, daring one another to go underwater, splashing each other, silly stuff like that. it was silly, and it was fun. and then...
"ma'am. is this your vessel?" "oh! well, hello! actually, no, it's not." "ma'am. i'm asking you to board your vessels immediately and follow me to shore." huh? crap. leave it to me to get escorted off the lakes... and in front of my nephew. not that i was embarrassed - not at all. but i was immediately aware that this was a teachable moment for my nephew. so i engaged our escort in conversation, joking about being escorted off the lake and banished from the water. by the time we reached the shore, we were buddies and he immediately showed me a different type of kayak, explained what was "in bounds" and off we went again, paddling around the lakes - with strict instructions to stay out of the water.
i've shared this story with several friends along and along. the response that still reverberates in my soul is this: "Enjoy your nephew and also finding ways to kayak out of bounds." the reason it's stuck with me is this - i have never lived my life "in bounds." i've ALWAYS lived "out of bounds" and i like it that way. and it applies across all areas of my life... especially spiritually.
so here's the lesson i learned. i'm not meant to live my life in bounds - and i'm not going to. i'm not going to get tied up in rules and supposed to's. i'm not. i refuse. i will live my life on His terms, not anyone else's. my favorite description of God is "dangerous, wild, unfettered and free." is that always comfortable? absolutely not. does it always look "right"? not a chance. am i going to encounter criticism? that's a given - usually from those who are running away from their heart, not toward it. that's ok. part of my assignment, if you will, is to live my life in such a way that demonstrates HIM. not HIM in a box. not HIM in a behavior modification class. will my life look scary and different to some? YES!!! and that's the whole point. i mean to live my life challenging Who we think we want Him to be, Who we believe He really is, and what we think He's really like.
i intend to live my life out of bounds.
somewhere along the way, i've realized that this season is one of preparation - a time of transition - for the next. i've recognized that this present journey is from dot to dot, each one bringing me back to my heart, and ultimately, His heart.
i spent the spring and early summer months traveling. i do this every spring. it's vital to my heart, and a very intentional way of removing myself from all that is familiar and seeking Him. now, don't get me wrong - i am more fully alive when i am traveling with Him, allowing Him to show me things about myself that i have forgotten, but it's not all easy, or even fun. i spend a lot of that time in self-reflection, allowing Him to show me the many things about myself that need to be more fully His. some of it's ugly. really ugly. but some of it's not.
this may, i was in florida. we went for a quick trip over to crystal river. there is a manatee refuge there, and our intention was to visit the refuge, explore the river, and generally just do something different. we ended up kayaking out to a place on the river called three sisters. it's a natural spring - well, 3 of them. it's absolutely stunning. i'll put some pics up after i finish getting these thoughts out of my head and into written form...
i've never kayaked before... and it was hard work... and i loved it. the Lord got a lot of mileage out of those 2 days. He showed me the way He had fashioned my heart for His creation - or more correctly, for restoring what we've lost due to poor stewardship or just plain ignorance. (i began this thought process in steward but haven't really expounded on that line of thought yet...) He also showed me that i love the hard work and the solitude and the mystery of kayaking. sounds silly, i know, but surely you've figured out that this is going somewhere...
when i got home, to say i was restless is an absurd understatement. i was going crazy. one day, my nephew was here and i decided that young boys and incredibly restless aunts need to go out and live a little. so i went to the mighty web and lo and behold, there is a local kayak club, and surprise, surprise... they were having a "demo day" on the lsu lakes that very day. after a little arguing with myself, i decided to go for it. i grabbed my nephew and off we went. we got to the lakes, signed our lives away, picked out a couple of boats, and the next thing we knew, we were paddling around the lakes.
if you know anything about the lakes at all, you know that they are yuck. they are shallow, polluted and only God knows what's actually in them... but none of that mattered. we were off on an adventure, alive and loving it. we decided to look for a deep spot to jump in the water to cool off for a sec, heebie jeebies about the lakes and all. it was H-O-T hot. so we set out toward the center of the lake, checking the depth every so often with our paddles. we finally found a spot that was ~5 feet - deep enough to keep my feet off the nasty bottom - and in we went. i hooked my feet on my kayak and just floated, enjoying the pounding of my heart ( i really, really hate nasty, can't-see-anything water) and the joy in my nephew's eyes. we were cutting up, daring one another to go underwater, splashing each other, silly stuff like that. it was silly, and it was fun. and then...
"ma'am. is this your vessel?" "oh! well, hello! actually, no, it's not." "ma'am. i'm asking you to board your vessels immediately and follow me to shore." huh? crap. leave it to me to get escorted off the lakes... and in front of my nephew. not that i was embarrassed - not at all. but i was immediately aware that this was a teachable moment for my nephew. so i engaged our escort in conversation, joking about being escorted off the lake and banished from the water. by the time we reached the shore, we were buddies and he immediately showed me a different type of kayak, explained what was "in bounds" and off we went again, paddling around the lakes - with strict instructions to stay out of the water.
i've shared this story with several friends along and along. the response that still reverberates in my soul is this: "Enjoy your nephew and also finding ways to kayak out of bounds." the reason it's stuck with me is this - i have never lived my life "in bounds." i've ALWAYS lived "out of bounds" and i like it that way. and it applies across all areas of my life... especially spiritually.
so here's the lesson i learned. i'm not meant to live my life in bounds - and i'm not going to. i'm not going to get tied up in rules and supposed to's. i'm not. i refuse. i will live my life on His terms, not anyone else's. my favorite description of God is "dangerous, wild, unfettered and free." is that always comfortable? absolutely not. does it always look "right"? not a chance. am i going to encounter criticism? that's a given - usually from those who are running away from their heart, not toward it. that's ok. part of my assignment, if you will, is to live my life in such a way that demonstrates HIM. not HIM in a box. not HIM in a behavior modification class. will my life look scary and different to some? YES!!! and that's the whole point. i mean to live my life challenging Who we think we want Him to be, Who we believe He really is, and what we think He's really like.
i intend to live my life out of bounds.
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