dance

for those of you who read this who go to my church... if you saw a blur in the rafters tonight during worship... that was me, dancing with Jesus. He reached down and met my outstretched hands with His own, drew me up and twirled us through the rafters. it was ecstasy. it was worship in its truest form...

it was beautiful. He is beautiful. wow.

sigh...

LORD I WANT TO YEARN FOR YOU, I WANT TO BURN WITH PASSION OVER YOU, AND ONLY YOU!

i am at the end of myself... and Who do i meet? the King, inviting me to dance in His arms - His bride, His beloved, His own. He knows. and He reminded me that He knows... He knows how difficult this time is, and how my heart yearns for answers... and in the meantime, He wants to dance.

i'm inclined to acquiesce... HA. who am i kidding? i'm thrilled to be back in the safety in His arms, where i belong. everything else is gravy.

guard

this diverges from the last post, but something really cool happened last week that i don't want to forget...

i was praying with a group of friends. that, in and of itself, is not so strange in my world. however... the need to pray for myself in the midst of praying for someone else is new-ish. i felt a very strong warning in my spirit to protect myself - spiritually speaking - from words that were about to be spoken. strange... but i've learned to trust His promptings. so, from somewhere deep inside, i cried out for His protection - more specifically, for Him to guard my heart... and the coolest thing happened.

i very rarely experience Jesus in a tangible way... i suppose that's the case for most of us. but this night, i felt - and saw, if i am perfectly honest - His hand covering my heart.

stop for a minute and soak up those words. i felt His hand covering my heart!

that was enough for my heart to almost burst at His nearness, but there's more. the timing was absolutely perfect. the words and thoughts that came immediately following this divine encounter (sorry - i can't find the words to do this any justice) were very obviously meant to harm me... not by those who spoke them, but by the enemy of my heart. vicious arrows, meant to drive deeply in with barbs that are loathe to let go. i felt them bouncing off His hand.

i felt them bouncing off His hand!!! and it remained there, throughout the rest of the night, as the discussion continued and the arrows kept flying. i really don't know what else to say... other than He is truly a warrior, a mighty God, loving and protective and personal to the extreme. He saw the ambush coming, and thwarted it Himself, guarding the heart He has been so carefully restoring.

steward

[this is definitely not a completed thought... but i am pressed to go ahead and post this. i will expound on my thoughts as they cohere.]

ok, so before you think i'm off to live a life of solitude in the mountains... as lovely as that sounds, He did not bring me here, immerse me in christian community, only to pick me up and drop me in a new place where everything of value i've learned here is lost. no, no - He has something far more grand and adventurous up His sleeve.

for me - and i can only speak for me - for me, life has become a delicate balance of loving others well and taking care of my own heart. i, me - no one else - i am responsible for how i respond to the lives i'm allowed to come alongside, whether it's for a day, a week, a couple of years, or a lifetime.

now, take that truth and apply it to all of the heartwork He's been doing lately (time is rather fluid for me, so "lately" applies to a much broader time span - about a year-ish). casting a broad stroke, He has been showing me - reminding me - of the things that make me come alive - things i care deeply about - things that i am devoted to.

in the church, much emphasis is placed on stewardship - of people, money, time, relationships - and that is certainly biblical and necessary. however, my heart beats for a different kind of stewardship - and it's just as biblical and necessary, although not as prevalent in the everyday life of a church. my heart beats for the land and the sea and the creatures... and the beautiful and glorious thing is that He has called me to this love, this responsibility, this devotion because He trusts me and believes in me - how crazy is that???

i've wondered for almost a year how mhgs and seattle fit into this picture. in short, they don't. rather, they were dots - stepping stones on the path back to my heart - that forced me to really look at my life, my heart - and be ok with what i found there. what i found is that i am not called to walk with people through the darkest hours of their lives as a profession. i certainly do that in my personal lives and loves, but my heart is not wired to be a counselor... and that's ok. it's more than ok - it's an honest assessment of who i am, and who He made me to be. i love that He demands that level of honesty and transparency from me (well, i love it most of the time...).

so the obvious question is, "what's next?" truthfully, i don't know. back to school for a master's is an option, although i'm in no way convinced that i'm to be a scientist. i find myself these days immersed in loving well (i use that phrase a lot, but it's perfectly applicable) and staying tuned into the treasures He drops in my lap, and what they are meant to show me. i've long since accepted that this part of the journey is directed step by step by Him alone, and that's as it should be.

remember

i've spent a lot of time wondering why i struggle so much with really feeling a sense of belonging anywhere i've landed along this journey. it's been less intense than in the past, sort of tucked away in the recesses of my heart. it's much more of an on-going, quiet conversation between me and my Lord... and He, as always, is faithful to answer. rather, this time, He is faithful to remind...

He is faithful to remind me of all the things He used to shape me as a little girl - things that shaped my thought processes, the way i view the world, and the way i view Him. He dropped another treasure in my lap tonight in the form of a movie. we watched miss potter, and while there is much there that struck chords of dreams long forgotten, the closing line ("where i belong.") is what made me realize that i haven't spent the last 34 years trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do with my life - i've spent the last 25 or so years trying to remember:


there are times i fear i lose myself
i don't know who i am
i get caught up in the struggle and the strain
with my back against a stonewall
my finger in the dam
losin' strength and goin' down again


and i take a look around me
my eyes can't find the sun
there's nothing wild as far as i can see
then my heart turns to alaska
and freedom on the run
i can hear her spirit callin' me


to the mountains, i can rest there
to the rivers, i will be strong
to the forest, i'll find peace there
to the wild country, where i belong


oh, i know some times i worry
on worldly ways and means
and i can see the future killing me
on a misbegotten highway
of prophecies and dreams
a road to nowhere and eternity


and i know it's just changes
yes, and mankind marchin' on
i know we can't live in yesterday
but compared to what we're losin'
and what it means to me
i'd give my life and throw the rest away


to the mountains, i can rest there
to the rivers, i will be strong
to the forest, i'll find peace there
to the wild country, where i belong
i belong to the wild country...
where i belong

to the wild country
--words and music by john denver