pro-equality

i am neither pro-life nor pro-choice. i am pro-equality.

i say this as a woman who will never bear a child. i cannot physically have a child. if, by some miracle, i became pregnant i cannot imagine a scenario where i would choose abortion. i do know that i would want to raise that child in a society that respects ALL life. 

while you are deciding with which template to reframe your profile photo, i respectfully want to remind you that, as are most things in life, abortion is a complex and deeply personal decision; one that, for whomever makes that choice, they will have to live with for the rest of their lives.

i also encourage you to ponder this question: name ONE law that dictates what a man can or cannot do with his body. honestly, the only law i can think of is rape. a man is legally not allowed to penetrate a woman’s vagina with his penis without her explicit consent. when you think about it, that we even have a need for a law that prohibits this action is gut-wrenching.*

isn’t it time to stand alongside one another? isn’t it time to support one another without judgement? and for my christian friends, with deep love and respect, i remind you that the woman who makes this decision will have to stand before the Lord one day to account for this decision. that’s not your conversation, it’s hers. 

while i personally find the new law in new york that allows abortion up to term completely abhorrent and repulsive, i would like to think that if i had to make such an agonizing decision at any point during a pregnancy, my friends would be at my side, sitting shiva and speaking words of love and support, not condemnation and judgment.

i pray you never find yourself in that circumstance, full of fear and anguish. please know that i will love you through ALL of the agonizing decisions you will have to make throughout your life. i may not do it well, but i will try. 

judge not, lest you be judged. ~ Jesus, matthew 7:1

you are loved. ❤️

**i just realized that, in my attempt at brevity, my legal definition of rape is woefully inadequate and only considers heterosexual rape in the most simplistic form. i absolutely recognize and equally condemn ALL forms of rape.

dialogue

i know, i know. it's been too long. not much room or time in my life these days for writing. i'm working on it.

if you follow me on facebook, then you're familiar with the little anecdotes i share about interactions with my riders. they're usually funny, poignant, entertaining, or some combination thereof. today's story needs a little more... breathing room, if you will.

i picked up two dudes from the airport. the text they sent me read, "2 big dudes. smoking by pillar G." (AWESOME 😷. FB followers, see rant just posted) i sighed heavily and put on my big girl panties and pasted a big smile on my face. i'm not normally overly fazed by noxious-smelling people, but today it got to me for whatever reason. i'm human and flawed. so are you. deal.

allow me to add some context so that the newbies know what's up. i'm a rideshare driver in austin, texas and have been for 2 years, 5000+ rides, and 100,000 miles. i realized some time ago that i am forgetting so many interactions, so i share them on FB. when i decided to make this my business, i had to decide how i want to run my business. top of that list is to create a space that is authentic, welcoming, safe, and engaging. i feel like i've accomplished that, and for that, i am very proud. the conversation that follows is one of my all-time favorites, and it happened today:

me: hey y'all! welcome to austin!

riders: thanks! we're newbies all the way from deep red california.

me: *wow. ok. they busted that door wide open. this should be fun...*

me: newbies! yay! i love newbies! i'm so glad you're here! i didn't realize that california has any deep red parts.

rider1: yup. it sure does, and we're proud of it. how is texas these days? y'all still red or did you turn blue?

me: i think we're purple now. the post-midterm electoral map shows many counties are now blue, some for the first time in a long time.

rider2: but austin is blue, right?

me: it absolutely is. we're considered one of the most liberal cities in the country. and we're the seat of government. i love the irony! it makes the city a very politically-interesting place.

rider1: well i bet you people hate trump. we love him.

me: *😑😑😑* *heart beats a little faster* *this is gonna SUCK because this is my car and i'm not pulling any punches* *girds my loins for the fight*

me: well... i can't speak for anyone but myself...

rider1: *cuts me off*

rider1: bunch of liberal, hippy dippy folks around here, huh?

me: *realizes he REALLY wants to pick a fight* *decides in that instant that there is NO WAY IN HELL that i'm taking the bait*

me: yep. there's also incredibly intelligent, moderate, kind, and reasonable people here, too.

me: *points to a letter clipped under my garage door opener on my visor*

me: this is a letter to beto o'rourke. he was the democratic senatorial candidate who ran against ted cruz.

rider2: he lost, right?

me: yes, but the letter is not about winning or losing. it's about thanking him for running a race with integrity, character, and vision. he gave a lot of people hope that there's a better way forward than where we find ourselves right now.

rider1: well... we're farmers. we're in the agriculture business.

me: *and the non sequitur award goes to this guy*

me: ok. so i have a question. it's seems that there is a correlation between the agricultural community and trump supporters. do you notice that? why do you think that is?

**yes, i actually said that word, and yes, it was physically painful to do so**

rider2: well we hate regulation. we hate government hand outs. we hate that people who don't work get free health care. we just had this conversation with our congressman. our workers are getting a raise so now they don't qualify for free healthcare, so they don't want to work as many hours so that they don't lose their free healthcare!

me: that must be a really difficult predicament to find yourself in.

*crickets as they are trying to work out for whom i am expressing sympathy*

me: ok, well what about farm aid?

*crickets*

rider1: well. uhhh. we live in california. we get really bad droughts. farm aid has saved us a time or two."

me: *deliberate silence while they ponder the irony*

me: what else? what do you care about that separates you from liberals?

rider2: regulation. stupid rules about protecting resources. liberals want government all up in everybody's business.

me: *HELLO!!! this can go SO MANY WAYS! the anticipation is killing me*

me: well, my degrees are in the natural sciences. my bachelors and masters degrees are in forest management, specializing in wildfire mitigation. are you guys safe from the wildfires out there?

rider1: yeah, we're good. but trump is right about it being stupid not to allow clear-cutting.

me: so you're interested in protecting the forest from wildfires? in what way?

rider2: clear-cutting. getting rid of debris. allowing agri-business. stupid extreme environmentalists stomping their feet about cows in the woods. fire is natural. cows are natural.

**i'm serious. you can't make this stuff up**

me: so you're in favor of land management practices like prescribed burning?

rider2: yeah!

me: well, as a scientist, i agree that too much fuel on the ground is the cause of how catastrophic these fires have become...

rider1: *cuts me off again*

rider1: yeah! and they just cut the budget to something stupid low. the money for managing our forests. who owns them?

me: *laughing, genuinely amused that they just bitched about a policy decision made by the current administration that they love*

me: well, the federal lands are owned by several entities. the national forest service. the bureau of land management. the native americans own some of the forested lands...

rider2: *cuts me off*

rider2: who does it fall under? the DOI? 

me: yes and no. the forest service and the bureau of land management fall under the department of the interior, but the tribal lands fall under...

rider1: *cuts me off*

rider1: fires are natural. aren't they [the forested federal lands] related to agriculture?

me: yes. the department of forestry and agriculture...

rider2: *cuts me off*

rider2: well they just cut the funding down to something stupid low. they just need to let it burn.

me: it seems to me that there might be more that we agree on than we realize.

rider1: well, what about abortion?

me:*oh, here we go!*

me: well, as a woman who is not able to have children, i personally would not have an abortion because it would be an absolute, straight up miracle if i were to get pregnant. my issue is this: name ONE law in the united states that regulates what a man can and cannot do with his body.

*crickets* *lots and lots of crickets*

rider2: well i guess it's because women actually have the babies...

me: so... devil's advocate. so the mother must have the child but you're ok with children in cages at the border?

*palpable tension as they bristle up*

me: i'm asking because there seems to be a cognitive dissonance in the national dialogue. as a woman, a christian, and a scientist, i'm really trying to understand this.

rider1: well. there's legal ways to enter the country.

me: *deliberate silence while they find their words*

me: listen, i grew up in the south. i've lived most of my life in very conservative circles. i'm also a scientist, so i believe in facts. i'm also a christian. i now live in a very liberal city, so i've been exposed to all sides of these issues. what i've come to find out is that there is more that we agree on than we realize. we just have to be willing to dialogue about it. not talk at each other. everything is so divisive these days and it doesn't have to be that way if, like you guys, people would be willing to just talk. to have a conversation.

rider2: yeah...

rider1: yeah people are fighting like crazy right now...

me: yes! and it goes all the way to the family level. it has even changed how i manage my social media presence. twitter is all political, insta is all photographers, and FB is just my day to day life. i try to keep politics off FB, but i fail sometimes, to be honest. the division in this country is changing how i behave and how i live my life. it's that deep!

rider1: i hadn't thought about that.

rider2: me, neither.

me: well, since we are approaching your hotel, i want to thank you, genuinely, for having this dialogue with me, for being willing to talk to me and discuss some very divisive topics in a way that was respectful and meaningful. i really appreciate you guys.

rider1: well, thank you for asking hard questions. you definitely made us think there!

*riders get out and hug me*

riders: thanks for hearing us out and not hating us. thanks for listening.

me: back at you! and thanks for the hugs!

all of us: BIG SMILES and lighter hearts

choices

pour a beer and put up your feet - it's story time.

i have a mantra. i tell it to myself everyday before i get in my car. i got it from a lyric in a song written by... yes, you guessed it: sturgill simpson. it's from a song entitled, "living the dream" and it goes like this:

"...i don't have to do a goddamn thing but sit around and wait to die."

i know. it's off-putting at first, isn't it? it certainly was for me. i puzzled over that line for a long time, trying to figure out what he meant, and i finally realized that what i believe he's saying is that EVERYTHING we do is a choice. read it this way: i don't HAVE to do a goddamn thing but sit around and wait to die (emphasis mine). that helps, right?

for those of you new to my story, i am a rideshare driver in austin, texas. i meet fascinating people from all over the world, all day, every day, and i have some of the most interesting conversations about any topic you can imagine. i also find myself in interesting situations, and through experience, i've found it's best to be prepared for them prior to encountering them. a girl's gotta have a plan when interacting with random people all day, every day. i had an interesting situation present itself today, and my response to it was true to my mantra:

*you have a choice. you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.*

pretty powerful stuff, that.

i was at the airport today, and i got a request from the terminal. the pick up location was at pillar C. well, i cannot physically get to pillar C. it's blocked by construction cones, security vehicles, and the occasional police car. every time that i get a call to that location, i immediately call my rider, let them know the problem, and we arrange another pick up spot, for which they are extremely grateful. until today. it went like this:

me: hi! this is your driver. we are supposed to meet at pillar C. i cannot physically get to pillar C because it's blocked. where is a good spot for me to meet you?

rider: well, i don't know what your problem is, but i'm standing at column C and there are cars everywhere.

me: hold up. i'm trying to help you by letting you know that i cannot pick you up at the designated location. i am trying to arrange to meet you at another location so that i can pick you up expeditiously and we can be on our way... and by the way, i don't have a problem; i'm trying to help solve yours.

rider: well. where are you? because i'm at pillar C and there are cars all over the place.

me: i'm 5 cars from you at pillar A, currently.

rider: where are you? i can't see you.

me: i'm looking right at you, and i no longer have a problem.

me: disconnects call and cancels the ride as i drive past her on my way to pillar J, where my next rider is waiting.

i thoroughly enjoyed the look of shock on her face as she looked at my license plate and then saw the request cancelled. petty? maybe... but my bullshit meter is full and i make no apologies.

whether you agree with how i handled the situation is not the point. the point is, after 16 months of repeating this mantra to myself every day when i get in my car, it was the first thing that popped in my head and is what allowed me to enforce my personal boundaries without hesitation. NO ONE in my life is allowed to speak to me in that manner. not friends, not family, not colleagues, no one... and CERTAINLY not someone whom i've invited into my personal space. i've made a choice not to allow that level of disrespect in my life, and when i needed to toe the line, i did... because i don't HAVE to do a goddamn thing but sit around and wait to die.

cheers, sturgill. thanks for keeping me sane in austin traffic, and thanks for helping me be ready to stay true to who i want to be.

bday fundraiser!

www.facebook.com/CAGerald

HISTORY, YALL

https://t.co/drYWpbtH2L

pindrop

i signed my lease.

at the end of it, i will have lived here longer than anywhere else i've lived in my adult life. i laugh when i tell people that i've moved 19 times since moving out of my parent's home at age 22, quipping that i must have gypsy blood, or wanderlust, or a rambling bone. whatever you want to call it, no place i've lived, no matter how beautiful, how community-rich, how lucrative it may have been compares to the home i want so badly to believe that i've found here in austin. 

i knew next to nothing about austin when i agreed to move. i had vague memories of a music show on TV called austin city limits. i knew the phrase, "keep austin weird" and i knew there was this huge festival thing every year called SXSW. i also knew that it was home to some people whom i hold in high regard, and that they spoke very highly of the city. that's it. that's all i knew. in typical ann fashion, i dove head-first into this new adventure.

i'm home today, and in the unexpected stillness and silence of the day, i find myself looking around my home, wondering if it's been worth all the struggle and the strife that i've experienced on the journey that has brought me to this day, and the struggle that lies ahead. the honest answer? it's been a really high price to pay so far, and i don't know that i've gotten what i've paid for, as the saying goes.

i looked around today and i realized that, on some subconscious level, i've known this to be true. i've not hung one picture. not one curtain. nothing of permanence that would suggest that i have truly dug in my heels here, ready to settle into this place and call it home. maybe the rose-colored glasses have come off, maybe i'm just tired of the struggle, maybe i'm just lonely... likely, it's all of that and then some.

the silence, for once, is deafening, isolating, suffocating.

wildfire

my feeds are overflowing with pictures and exclamations of dismay and horror over the fires in the western US. may i offer another perspective?

ALL FIRE IS NOT BAD.

let me repeat that. all fire is not bad. one more time to let it really get past the reaction: all fire is not bad.

wildland fires are necessary and beneficial to the systems in which they occur. many of the western species cannot propagate without it. additionally, the fires consume fuel on the forest floor and recirculate nutrients back into the soil.

what's happening is scary and it's easy and understandable to react to it from a perspective of fear and anxiety. hear me on this - i understand your REACTION. we've been raised with smokey the bear telling us that, "only you can prevent forest fires." well, smokey, we need those fires, so shut the fuck up.

what we need is an appropriate and corrective RESPONSE. we are seeing the result of 150+ years of land mismanagement. these natural fires become catastrophic because there is TOO MUCH FUEL on the ground. why? because we SUPPRESS wildfires when they should be allowed to burn. if the smaller fires would be left alone, then the larger fires would occur with far less frequency and vastly reduced loss of property and life.

until we manage our lands correctly, until we realize that fire is not bad, until we focus our efforts on education and mitigation, we will continue to see these catastrophic fires. we MUST change course. we MUST allow the proper management of forests. we MUST concentrate our suppression efforts on saving lives and property. and we must use common sense when we allow the public to build homes in these fire-prone, fire-dependant ecosystems. until this happens, these catastrophic fires will not stop.

we, as land managers, must admit our mistakes, get past our professional pride and hubris, and manage our lands correctly. we MUST do this immediately.

WE MUST. THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION HERE.

in case you're wondering about my ability to speak with authority about this situation, my degrees are in forest management, with a specialty in wildfire mitigation and public perception of risk. i am happy to answer any and all questions, so please comment below and let's begin a conversation that invites calm, resolution, and change.

on the head of a pin

here i am. again.

i had hoped that, at some point, my life would even out and i would not be forced to make these hard, life-altering decisions as frequently... or at least have someone with whom to make them. alas.

the current dilemma:

i moved to austin in december 2015, full of hope and joy at the new life unfolding before me. it's been hard. there's no denying that. i've moved three times. i lived in an extremely unfortunate roommate situation for over a year. i've left a 20-year career in management. i've been sued. i've been in two car wrecks. i've become self-employed. i have a home of my own for the first time since 2009. i've lost many friends and gained a few more. but most importantly, it's also been glorious, because i've lived life on my terms.

enter texas governor abbott and 26 uber lobbyists. with one swipe of his pen, abbott has knocked me to my knees. he's effectively taken away my livelihood and my ability to support myself. i'm quite literally one paycheck away from losing everything.

~ the temptation to quit will be greatest just before you are about to succeed.

i've seen variations of this quote in my feeds and it ALWAYS pisses me off. what an arrogant and thoughtless thing to say to someone who is struggling to make difficult decisions. sometimes, the RIGHT answer, the GOOD answer, the ONLY answer, is to give up. it takes wisdom and discernment to know when a door is closing; to suggest otherwise is false, just as the passive-aggressive nature of this quote is manipulative and unkind. to claim that you possess such prescience is the height of arrogance, and to spout that sentiment to someone who is struggling is cruel.

so today, i find myself five days away from a major decision. do i renew my lease, betting that my income will return? do i put in my intent to vacate and move back to baton rouge? the question is that simple and that complex.

so here i am, standing on the head of a pin. one step in any direction alters my life in ways that i cannot possibly foresee. my christian friends will tell me to step in faith, trusting that jesus will catch me, that he only wants his best for me. my secular friends will wish me luck and wait and watch to see what happens. i find myself somewhere in the middle.

i saw this youtube video on FB a few days ago. i sat on my couch yesterday, laughing and sobbing at the same time. it's said that music is the language of the heart. if this is true, and i believe that it can be, then my heart is longing, languishing, defiantly expecting. at the same time, it's faltering, famished, forlorn. yearning, violently beating in protest and fear. vulnerable, flawed, glorious, hopeful. and that's how decisions should be made, yes? with hope.

so this is me, choosing to live with an open and vulnerable heart, choosing to make decisions, not out of fear, nor anger, nor stark pragmatism. this is me, choosing hope.

#lovewins #keepgoing #choosehope #AKF #YANA 

THE WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN TO HELL AND BACK IS NOT EASY TO LOVE.

to everyone - male and female - who has ever tried to love me - this is the most honest and transparent confession i've ever seen, and it exposes from what, for so long, i've tried to shield you:

THE WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN TO HELL AND BACK IS NOT EASY TO LOVE.

Many have tried. Most have failed.

The weak need not attempt, for it will take more strength than you even know you possess; more patience, more resilience, more tenacity, more resolve. It requires a relentless love, one that is determined and not easily defeated.

For the woman who has been to hell and back will push you away. She will test you in her desire to know what you are made of, whether you have what it takes to weather her storm. Because she is unpredictable – at times a hurricane, a force of nature that rides on the fury of her suffering; other times a gentle rain, calm, still and quiet.

When she is the gentle rain that falls in time to her silent tears, love her.

When she is the thunder and lightning and ferocious winds that wreak havoc, love her harder.

She is a contradiction, a pendulum that will forever swing between fear of suffocation and fear of abandonment, and even she will not know how to find the balance between the two. Because today, although she will never tell you, she will feel insecure. She will want you to stay close, to tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss her on the forehead and hold her in the strength of your arms. But tomorrow she will crave her independence, her space, her solitude.

For while you have slept, she has been awake, unable to slow her thoughts, watching clocks and chasing time, trying to make the broken pieces fit, to make sense of it all – of where and how she fits. She fights her demons and slays her dragons, afraid if she goes to sleep they will gain the upper hand, afraid if she goes to sleep she will no longer be in control. Tomorrow, she will be tired, and your presence will smother her. She will need only herself.

When she reaches out for you, love her.

When she pushes you away, love her harder.

New situations and places and people and experiences will make her anxious. She will be fiercely independent and long to overcome her fears, all the while as terrified as a small child alone in the big world. Sometimes she will need to be courageous, to prove to herself she has what it takes. Other times she will need you to take her hand and hold it firmly in yours. Sometimes she may not know what she needs, and you will need to read her like a book with worn pages and a tattered spine and be what she needs when she does not know herself.

When she is brave and steps into the world on her own, love her.

When she is scared, but refuses to take your hand, love her harder.

She will live in fear of being too much – and endless battle to find the middle ground. Ashamed if the scale falls one way or the other, ashamed to be herself for no one has ever loved her both when she is small and when she is tremendous.

When she feels too much, love her.

When she feels not enough, love her harder.

Sometimes she won’t hurt and the light will shine from her eyes and her laughter will be a rare and precious melody. But sometimes, she will hurt so much from the trauma still in her body; she will ache, she will feel pain and anguish. The light will grow dim and the music will fade.

When she is the light, love her.

When she is the darkness, love her harder.

She will always love you with caution, with one foot out the door. For she does not understand a love with no conditions, one that is powerful enough to withstand hard times. She cannot allow herself to fully trust in your love, and she will keep parts of her heart hidden – the parts of her heart that have been hurt the most, the parts she can’t risk being hurt again when she has worked so hard to stitch them together.

She will always watch, wait and expect you to leave first. And when you don’t, she has a truth written upon her heart that says you will – it’s only a matter of time, for everyone who loves her leaves her. And so she will seek to sabotage the relationship; she will seek to destroy it, she will seek to leave first, she will seek to hurt you. This is how she survives, how she will ensure she will not get hurt again.

When she wants you to love her, love her.

When she wants to hurt you, love her harder.

Being out of control terrifies her. Don’t ever make her feel powerless, trapped or without her freedom. She needs to dance barefoot under enormous blue skies, to feel sand between her toes, to run with wolves as the wind weaves magic through her hair, for here is where her healing is found. Never clip her wings, for if she has the freedom to fly, she will always come back to you.

Love her when it’s easy, and love her harder when it’s not.

Love her in a way that will defy all she has ever known love to be.

Love her because you understand with every fiber of your soul the gift of her love, what it has cost her to offer you her fragile heart.

She does not need you. She has chosen you.

Because you have what it takes to survive the storm.

Because even when she doesn’t know how to love, you know how to love harder.

~ Written by Kathy Parker

[but jesus. he and i are working on this. it's a battle, a saga, a lifetime of journeying toward one another. thank you for trying to love me well - you are so much stronger than i.]

cc: Jen Hatmaker Stasi Eldredge

fearless

i've had a hard week. maybe that's a bit understated; i've had a really, really hard week. even that's an understatement, but you get the gist. it's been tough, and it culminated yesterday into an all-out nightmare. in the midst of it, in my more sane moments when i am not gnashing my teeth nor rending my garments, i find myself reflecting on a picture a friend of mine shared the other day:

when i first saw it, i commented with a quip, "...am learning..." little did i know how quickly that little quote would come into play in my life.

in the deepest, darkest hours of last night, alone with emotions raging inside of me, my thoughts stilled for a moment on this quote. i was raging at HIM because He has asked too much of me this time; He has asked me to forgive someone... AGAIN. the echoes of people He's asked me to forgive ran through my mind, and the sheer length of the list left me breathless. it was staggering. it IS staggering. it seemed as though the images of those who have wronged me in my life were on a reel, and it was unraveling before me as their faces crossed my mind. my heart is skipping a few beats even recalling those moments last night, and even in the remembering of the names of those who have gone before, those whom He has asked me to forgive UNSPEAKABLE wrongs, i felt my heart quaking. i'm not gonna lie - i'm shaking again just writing about this.

here's the thing: you can't truly get past a wrong until you loosen your grip around their necks and release them to Him. His justice, His timing, His way. i know this to be true. but damn it all to hell, i want to be angry. i want to allow myself to feel the weight of the wrong. i want to... live in peace, undisturbed by those who choose to exist outside the Kingdom. here's the other thing: He won't let me. His life isn't peaceful; it certainly is not lived without being subjected to scorn, injustice, betrayal.

i wrestled with these thoughts for hours. and i mean literally wrestled, as in tossed, turned, flipped, flopped, beat the pillows, and yelled in protest as i fought my flesh and rode my anger into the emotion lying beneath it - fear. i was afraid. it's that simple, and that complex. if i have to put a name to what i fear, i guess i would most honestly say that i fear life with Him is too hard, and life without Him is unbearable. He asks too much of me.

the idea of living life fearlessly has been with me for awhile. in reflecting on what i went through last night, i realized that living fearlessly does not mean living without fear. it means living through the fear and into Life... but you gotta believe that Life is worth living - and that's where i got stuck.

(j.r.r. tolkien)

truthfully, i'm not fully unstuck, which is why the tenses keep changing as i write. as i was looking for the picture of the quote mentioned at the top, i ran across all of these other pictures first. notice a theme here?

i think i'm done wrestling, for now. i will always wrestle; it's in my nature to do so. thankfully, the length of the wrestling matches has shortened over time. last night was seemingly endless, dark, fraught with anger and fear. my hope is that tonight, i will rest in the knowledge of mercy and grace, both given and received, throughout this day. last night, i was slamming myself against the Rock. this night, i choose to rest in peace, with wayward thoughts held captive and firm reminders of His mercy and grace so evident in my life today held, white-knuckled, until they are no longer a mantra and a shield, but a place in which to dwell, safe in the knowledge that the Kingdom is not at risk, and neither am i.

reflection, part 1

i've been trying to wrap my head around what's happening in our country, and i'm having a really hard time… which is weird, because i am normally very confident about what i believe and am not threatened in any way when others believe differently. and when i have been wrong, i happily and humbly changed what or how i believe according to newly discovered truth. perhaps this is the crux of my discomfort tonight; i have seen a new truth, and i cannot happily nor humbly accept it as truth.

maybe it's not that others believe differently but rather that other people i KNOW, LOVE, and RESPECT believe so very differently on a very fundamental level about who we are as humans, as friends, as christians, as americans, as global citizens… and how this DISSONANCE affects all of these aspects of our personal and national CHARACTER.

here are some of the thoughts i've been struggling with, in no particular order. feel free to comment - my purpose here is to allow my thoughts to become more coherent, thus more articulate, thus more relevant. remember, though, that this is a space for honest reflection and as such, i will guard it diligently against any form of hatred, bullying, or spite. and remember, i do this as much out of love for you as i do for the other commenters who are looking for a safe place to wander through this new world in which we find ourselves. you are loved.

division - i may have only spent 43 years on this earth, but i cannot recall a time when our country has been so divided. the most recent i can call to mind is the civil rights movement in the 1960's, but i wasn't around for that. over the past year, the past week, and especially the past five days, i've borne witness to such radically opposing views that families, friends, communities, political parties, and global allies have been strained to the breaking point and/or beyond. how can we "make america great again"* when there exists so much division that there are nightly protests AFTER the election is over? as an american, i'm so ashamed.

*i ABHOR this slogan, statement, thought. i use it here only emphatically.

fear - i have people in my life whom i love, respect, admire, and even revere who are living in fear in the aftermath of this week. the message, as far as i can discern, is that they feel unloved, unaccepted, disrespected, abhorred, and abandoned. these people cross all genders, sexual identities, races, religions, nationalities, worldview, lifestyles, education, and life experience. I LOVE THESE PEOPLE… and we now find ourselves living in a country who, quite frankly, has said that she doesn't give a COLLECTIVE SHIT about how some of our citizens' lives have quite literally turned on a dime… or a vote, as it were. we have allowed a climate of fear to permeate our country. since when are we ok with this? as an american, i'm so ashamed.

rationalization - i have a remarkable number - perhaps even disproportionally so - of friends who are HIGHLY educated and/or successful in their careers. i RESPECT their opinions and contributions to the conversation… until contribution becomes rhetoric. and then i begin to wonder who they are trying to convince - me or themselves? the die is cast - why are they still arguing their point? as an american, i'm so ashamed.

faith - this one hits a very tender part of my heart. i consider myself a faithful person. i even go so far as to claim the name christian. but it has become apparent to me that my personal theology is quite different from people with whom i have worshipped, served, cried, rejoiced, and lived A LOT of life alongside. at the core, i believe my heart is pointed toward love. and i believe that these people would say the same thing about themselves. but this cannot be, as the way we show God's love to the world is diametrically opposed. i cannot get my heart around this thought. and it has shaken me to the core. as an american, i'm so ashamed.

national identity - remember when the cubbies won the world series? can you believe that was only LAST WEEK? remember when your social media feeds and televisions were bursting with images of unity, celebration - hope? how can that be so fleeting? so tenuous? even something as catastrophic as 9/11 unified us as a country for a finite amount of time, and then something else happened, and off we were again, infighting about something. why? are our memories so short and fallible? one of my favorite lines in all of tv history is, "short memories. that is the impression i have of you as a people," said by a terrorist to a federal agent (NCIS, truth or consequences, S07E01). as an american, i'm so ashamed.

dignity - so many rabbits to chase here, but the one i've been chasing the most is trying to wrap my mind around this man's picture going up on the wall in THE white house, alongside washington, lincoln, kennedy, roosevelt… etc etc, et al. HOW CAN THIS BE REAL? how? why? how? as an american, i'm so ashamed.

i spoke to a friend yesterday. i have not actually laid eyes on this person since 2008, but i still hold them in the HIGHEST regard. some friendships, if we are very lucky, are forged in love and fire so that they thrive without the benefit of proximal geography. this person also happens to be one of the most influential people in my life, and i'm honored and humbled to call them friend. and this friend is scared. because they are gay. and getting married. this fiercely loving, smart as all hell, funny, gregarious, carpe diem friend is, for the first time in memory, AFRAID to be themselves in today's america. as an american, i'm so ashamed.

permission - i think this man won IN PART because he allowed himself to voice the unspoken, likely deeply repressed, deepest, darkest, most base aspect of humanity: he allows hate to be openly expressed. and in return, an enormous amount of people breathed a huge, collective sigh of relief and allowed their hate to surface, too. bigotry, racism, religious persecution, intolerance. as an american, i'm so ashamed.

might - americans, in general, are proud of our military might. we are certainly proud of our military friends and families, of everyone who puts on the uniform and steps up to protect our rights… even the right to vote. i PROUDLY stand in the midst of these thankful americans. where my heart skips SEVERAL beats is at the thought of putting our soldiers - our sons and daughters - at unnecessary risk because we value the world's perception of us as the mightiest military the wold has ever known. the world USED to think that about us, and the events (mostly terrorist attacks, i think) of the past few decades have seeped into our collective consciousness and we've realized that the perception has degraded over time. in response, we want to be feared again. well… if we desire to be feared, is that not because we fear? and what about nukes and torture and alienating our allies? how can we put these things back on the table and NOT expect our soldiers (and our citizens around the world) to be treated with the same tactics? are we so naive as to believe that once we openly allow torture (sorry - is that not the correct term? is it now "enhanced interrogation"?) and nuclear "re-armament" to be part of our arsenal that those SAME tools won't be used AGAINST us? as an american, i am so ashamed.

regression - we have fought valiantly to become a people who value progress, acceptance, and the continuous journey toward knowledge above just about all else. we say we value family, freedom, and the pursuit of liberty. really? is this really what we value? sadly, i think the results of this election prove just the opposite. we have allowed centuries of forging our identity as THE GLOBAL IDEAL FOR LIFE AND GOVERNMENT to be MUTED. as an american, i'm so ashamed.

unapologetic - my heart is heavy this night. i will not offer meaningless platitudes; nor will i offer apologies for voicing these thoughts. my heart is crushed, and i am surrounded by darkness as the protests continue and the reality of the next four years sinks into my soul. i was going to write, "my God have mercy on us all" as a sarcastic quip to end this post. but, honestly... right now, i think He left america to fend for ourselves a really, really long time ago. He gave us the gift of free will, and we've chosen what that looks like, and how that defines us, at least for the foreseeable future. the Kingdom is not at risk, but we, as a nation, certainly are. as an american, i am so ashamed.

as an american, i'm so ashamed.

{these thoughts are raw and mostly unfiltered. and INCOMPLETE. there's just too much churning inside to get it all out in one post. another great line comes to mind: "with hope. love should end with hope… hope guides me. it is what gets me through the day and especially the night. the hope that after you're gone from my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you,"" (kate, a knight's tale, 2001). i realize that many of you will VEHEMENTLY and perhaps VIOLENTLY disagree with me. i recognize the risk i'm taking by making these very private musings public. i believe it's a discussion worth having and therefore a risk i am WILLING to take. remember… you are loved.}

#america #election #protests #USelection #election2016 #USA