[i guess i should catch you up on where i am in my story. currently, i am taking a summer class at LUMCON in cocodrie. it's a coral reef ecology class and it's been an amazing time so far. next week, we head to the keys to snorkel several reefs.]
i've known since i applied for this class earlier in the year that it was divinely appointed. somewhere in the past week, i realized that this will be the first time i've been in the keys since the last time i went diving on the reefs with my dad 20 years ago. as that realization settles in my heart, it's become increasing more tender and i know that the Lord is pressing into the deeper places of my heart, deeper into the wounds of loss, abandonment and the messages and agreements that go along with such wounds.
this knowledge came into stark relief this morning. i've made friends here; friends from all over the country - students from various universities and states, guys from wood's hole at cape cod, research vessel captains and mates, security guards, kitchen staff... anyway, it's been a neat experience to have the opportunity to talk with these folks, hear their stories, gain insight into their work or research... it's been a lot of fun.
i watched 8 of them leave harbor this morning. 4 on a research vessel, going 60 miles out to deploy an AUV glider into the depths of the gulf of mexico and 4 who are headed about 6 miles out to some of our barrier islands to research the feasibility of re-establishing populations of colonial nesting birds.
i prayed as i watched them leave, for safety, against the mental approach of "one more run" and for Jesus to romance them in ways that speak specifically to their hearts. and as i watched and prayed, tears came unbidden and silently. and that spoke of something deeper going on in my heart.
as with anything that pertains to the issues of the heart, there are many layers and depth that, as i sit here, i'm trying to understand. watching people i know putting out to sea is one. there is fear that they won't come back, that something will happen. the sea can be an unforgiving place. and then there is the ache of wanting to be on board, sharing in the adventure set before them - the longing for more. ache and desire.
i watched them leave harbor and head south, and as they disappeared from sight and i was left standing on the dock, i had a sense of... isolation? loneliness? fear? anticipation? i really don't know. all of those words seem a bit over-stated. i wasn't enveloped in grief or anything close to that. i just was. in that moment and the moments that followed, i just ached, on a lot of levels. but it was a glimmer of ache - a hint of what may come as the Lord presses deeper still into the young and tender places of my heart.
i love that He doesn't leave us in our current state of healing and restoration. about 2 years ago, i dealt with the grief of losing my dad at sea, and my heart was held and healed by Jesus. and i probably could have spent the rest of my time on earth happy with that level of healing. i love how the Lord wants more. more healing for me, more of my heart surrendered to Him. He knows that i desire LIFE, and to get there, to remain there, requires me to continue to allow Him to bind up the broken places, to set more of my heart free.
whatever He's up to, i know this - it's good. it's necessary. and it's going to be ok.
so yes. come, Lord Jesus. yes, let's go deeper still... into my heart, and Yours. and may You receive all glory and honor and praise. amen.
6.08.2008
4.18.2008
perspective, 3
[so it's been awhile since i've written anything in this series, but i'm listening to satellite radio in my office and this song just came on. view it through the lens of singing to Him... how cool is that? yes, i realize that He is risen and alive, but humor me... i think it's a beautiful picture of what our hearts really yearn for... the One who was, who is and is to come.]
maybe in another life
i could find You there
pulled away before Your time
i can't deal it's so unfair
and it feels
and it feels like
heaven's so far away
and it feels
yeah it feels like
the world has grown cold
now that You've gone away
leaving flowers on Your grave
show that i still care
but black roses and hail marys
can't bring back what's taken from me
i reach to the sky
and call out Your name
and if i could trade
i would
and it feels
and it feels like
heaven's so far away
and it stings
yeah it stings now
the world is so cold
now that You've gone away
-- gone away by the offspring
maybe in another life
i could find You there
pulled away before Your time
i can't deal it's so unfair
and it feels
and it feels like
heaven's so far away
and it feels
yeah it feels like
the world has grown cold
now that You've gone away
leaving flowers on Your grave
show that i still care
but black roses and hail marys
can't bring back what's taken from me
i reach to the sky
and call out Your name
and if i could trade
i would
and it feels
and it feels like
heaven's so far away
and it stings
yeah it stings now
the world is so cold
now that You've gone away
-- gone away by the offspring
3.31.2008
dad
from Shooting the Pistol - Courtside Photos of Pete Maravich at LSU by Danny Brown:
[for me to immortalize my dad in writing is one thing. to have someone else do it is quite another story...]
I need to make special mention here of Baton Rouge State-Times staff photographer Charles Gerald. He began work at the newspaper in December 1967 and became my best friend. Charlie and I remained very close until his death in December 1990, when he and his boat were lost at sea off Miami in bad weather conditions. He was simply the best photographer I have ever met. He had an eye that could see a photo where none was apparent, and that one photo would tell the whole story of what he was covering. He won numerous awards from the news services in many different catagories. I learned a lot from Charlie.
...
And although I would like to think of myself as a great photographer, I'm really not. At least not on the level of those friends I mentioned above, particularly Charlie Gerald.
...
and... the best for last - at least for me - there's a picture of my dad on page 92 between the T and the O. yeah, that's him with the long sideburns looking cooler than cool. i KNEW i got it from somewhere...
[for me to immortalize my dad in writing is one thing. to have someone else do it is quite another story...]
I need to make special mention here of Baton Rouge State-Times staff photographer Charles Gerald. He began work at the newspaper in December 1967 and became my best friend. Charlie and I remained very close until his death in December 1990, when he and his boat were lost at sea off Miami in bad weather conditions. He was simply the best photographer I have ever met. He had an eye that could see a photo where none was apparent, and that one photo would tell the whole story of what he was covering. He won numerous awards from the news services in many different catagories. I learned a lot from Charlie.
...
And although I would like to think of myself as a great photographer, I'm really not. At least not on the level of those friends I mentioned above, particularly Charlie Gerald.
...
and... the best for last - at least for me - there's a picture of my dad on page 92 between the T and the O. yeah, that's him with the long sideburns looking cooler than cool. i KNEW i got it from somewhere...
2.03.2008
obedience
i wonder...
does God want us to respond to Him out of a moral or religious obligation that's well-intentioned and called "obedience"?
or...
does God long for us to respond out of a deep love and need for Him in every aspect of our lives?
methinks it is the latter.
does God want us to respond to Him out of a moral or religious obligation that's well-intentioned and called "obedience"?
or...
does God long for us to respond out of a deep love and need for Him in every aspect of our lives?
methinks it is the latter.
2.02.2008
intentionality
the heart is the connecting point, the meeting place between any two persons. the kind of deep soul intimacy we crave with God and with others can be experienced only from the heart. i know a man who took his daughter to dinner; she was surprised, delighted. for years she had been hoping he would pursue her. when they had been seated, he pulled out his day timer and began to review the goals he had set for her that year. “i wanted to burst into tears and run out of the restaurant,” she said. we don’t want to be someone’s project; we want to be the desire of their heart. gerald may laments, “by worshiping efficiency, the human race has achieved the highest level of efficiency in history, but how much have we grown in love?”
we’ve done the same to our relationship with God. christians have spent their whole lives mastering all sorts of principles, done their duty, carried on the programs of their church . . . and never known God intimately, heart to heart. the point is not an efficient life of activity—the point is intimacy with God. “you will find me,” God says, “when you seek me with all your heart” (Jer. 29:13). As oswald chambers said, “so that is what faith is—God perceived by the heart.”
what more can be said, what greater case could be made than this: to find God, you must look with all your heart. to remain present to God, you must remain present to your heart. to hear his voice, you must listen with your heart. to love him, you must love with all your heart. you cannot be the person God meant you to be, and you cannot live the life he meant you to live, unless you live from the heart.
-- john eldredge, waking the dead pp 48–49 (emphasis mine)
above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
-- king soloman, proverbs 4:23
actually, that whole chapter punctuates this truth beautifully:
Wisdom Is Supreme
1 Listen, my sons, to a father's instruction;
pay attention and gain understanding.
2 I give you sound learning,
so do not forsake my teaching.
3 When I was a boy in my father's house,
still tender, and an only child of my mother,
4 he taught me and said,
"Lay hold of my words with all your heart;
keep my commands and you will live.
5 Get wisdom, get understanding;
do not forget my words or swerve from them.
6 Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
love her, and she will watch over you.
7 Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding.
8 Esteem her, and she will exalt you;
embrace her, and she will honor you.
9 She will set a garland of grace on your head
and present you with a crown of splendor."
10 Listen, my son, accept what I say,
and the years of your life will be many.
11 I guide you in the way of wisdom
and lead you along straight paths.
12 When you walk, your steps will not be hampered;
when you run, you will not stumble.
13 Hold on to instruction, do not let it go;
guard it well, for it is your life.
14 Do not set foot on the path of the wicked
or walk in the way of evil men.
15 Avoid it, do not travel on it;
turn from it and go on your way.
16 For they cannot sleep till they do evil;
they are robbed of slumber till they make someone fall.
17 They eat the bread of wickedness
and drink the wine of violence.
18 The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn,
shining ever brighter till the full light of day.
19 But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness;
they do not know what makes them stumble.
20 My son, pay attention to what I say;
listen closely to my words.
21 Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
22 for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man's whole body.
23 Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
24 Put away perversity from your mouth;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.
27 Do not swerve to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.
we’ve done the same to our relationship with God. christians have spent their whole lives mastering all sorts of principles, done their duty, carried on the programs of their church . . . and never known God intimately, heart to heart. the point is not an efficient life of activity—the point is intimacy with God. “you will find me,” God says, “when you seek me with all your heart” (Jer. 29:13). As oswald chambers said, “so that is what faith is—God perceived by the heart.”
what more can be said, what greater case could be made than this: to find God, you must look with all your heart. to remain present to God, you must remain present to your heart. to hear his voice, you must listen with your heart. to love him, you must love with all your heart. you cannot be the person God meant you to be, and you cannot live the life he meant you to live, unless you live from the heart.
-- john eldredge, waking the dead pp 48–49 (emphasis mine)
above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
-- king soloman, proverbs 4:23
actually, that whole chapter punctuates this truth beautifully:
Wisdom Is Supreme
1 Listen, my sons, to a father's instruction;
pay attention and gain understanding.
2 I give you sound learning,
so do not forsake my teaching.
3 When I was a boy in my father's house,
still tender, and an only child of my mother,
4 he taught me and said,
"Lay hold of my words with all your heart;
keep my commands and you will live.
5 Get wisdom, get understanding;
do not forget my words or swerve from them.
6 Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
love her, and she will watch over you.
7 Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding.
8 Esteem her, and she will exalt you;
embrace her, and she will honor you.
9 She will set a garland of grace on your head
and present you with a crown of splendor."
10 Listen, my son, accept what I say,
and the years of your life will be many.
11 I guide you in the way of wisdom
and lead you along straight paths.
12 When you walk, your steps will not be hampered;
when you run, you will not stumble.
13 Hold on to instruction, do not let it go;
guard it well, for it is your life.
14 Do not set foot on the path of the wicked
or walk in the way of evil men.
15 Avoid it, do not travel on it;
turn from it and go on your way.
16 For they cannot sleep till they do evil;
they are robbed of slumber till they make someone fall.
17 They eat the bread of wickedness
and drink the wine of violence.
18 The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn,
shining ever brighter till the full light of day.
19 But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness;
they do not know what makes them stumble.
20 My son, pay attention to what I say;
listen closely to my words.
21 Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
22 for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man's whole body.
23 Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
24 Put away perversity from your mouth;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.
27 Do not swerve to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.
1.28.2008
eaux!!!
i find myself in need of some laughter. thinking back over recent events that i've not shared here, deep chuckles rumble up before the thought fully forms to share a conversation with you. allow me to set the stage...
january 7, 2008. my tigers are playing for the national championship in the dome. i'm glued to the tv, with my reluctant but loyal friend beside me. we're deep into the 2nd quarter, and my tigers are getting their feet under them, settling down to play some football... and i get a text. what follows is a transcript of the ensuing hilarity. enjoy!
friends: go tigers!
us: NO!!! IT'S GEAUX TIGERS!
friend: ah, oui! j'ai oublie l'influence francais/cajun, etc... seaux, does that make it, "neaux! it's geaux tigers!"??! :PEA hee hee! weaux, i crack me up sometimes, eh?!
us: oy vey! we stand corrected, eh?
friend: ooch aye! so, here's a mix o' yiddish n sco-ish canadian, eh?
us: LOL LOL si senorita! gotta keep you on your toes...
friend: well, i am short. it's how i reach most things... glad i could make you laugh. :)
...(i'm caught up in the game at this point)...
friend: *yawn... paddle over to ann... slump n pounnnncccceee - slow motion pounce* goodnite! hope the tigers r fanfrikkintastic 2nite! !) love u! zee wittle asian canadian
us (meaning me after my tigers won): DA DA DA DAH! GEAUX TIGERS! eaux-k, now you can geaux to sleep! good night, love!
january 7, 2008. my tigers are playing for the national championship in the dome. i'm glued to the tv, with my reluctant but loyal friend beside me. we're deep into the 2nd quarter, and my tigers are getting their feet under them, settling down to play some football... and i get a text. what follows is a transcript of the ensuing hilarity. enjoy!
friends: go tigers!
us: NO!!! IT'S GEAUX TIGERS!
friend: ah, oui! j'ai oublie l'influence francais/cajun, etc... seaux, does that make it, "neaux! it's geaux tigers!"??! :PEA hee hee! weaux, i crack me up sometimes, eh?!
us: oy vey! we stand corrected, eh?
friend: ooch aye! so, here's a mix o' yiddish n sco-ish canadian, eh?
us: LOL LOL si senorita! gotta keep you on your toes...
friend: well, i am short. it's how i reach most things... glad i could make you laugh. :)
...(i'm caught up in the game at this point)...
friend: *yawn... paddle over to ann... slump n pounnnncccceee - slow motion pounce* goodnite! hope the tigers r fanfrikkintastic 2nite! !) love u! zee wittle asian canadian
us (meaning me after my tigers won): DA DA DA DAH! GEAUX TIGERS! eaux-k, now you can geaux to sleep! good night, love!
1.22.2008
gasping
[when my life seems to have come to a shuddering halt, the Lord tends to my heart in the craziest ways - sometimes a kayak, or a hair-raising rappel down a mountain face... many times He uses music. this song brings me back from the brink of desperation and despair. sound dramatic? maybe. but from this end, the stagnation is real, and ugly. i find myself gasping for Air, and Life, and Love.]
oh heart of mine
why must you stray?
from One so fair
you run away
and one more time
you have to pay
the heaviness of needless shame
oh heart of mine
come back home
you've been too long
out on your own
and He's been there all along
watching for you down the road
so come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
you are looking for
so come home running
just as you are
oh child of God
so dearly loved
and ransomed by
the Savior's blood
and called by name
daughter and son
wrapped in the robe of righteousness
--come home running by chris tomlin
oh heart of mine
why must you stray?
from One so fair
you run away
and one more time
you have to pay
the heaviness of needless shame
oh heart of mine
come back home
you've been too long
out on your own
and He's been there all along
watching for you down the road
so come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
you are looking for
so come home running
just as you are
oh child of God
so dearly loved
and ransomed by
the Savior's blood
and called by name
daughter and son
wrapped in the robe of righteousness
--come home running by chris tomlin
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