[i guess i should catch you up on where i am in my story. currently, i am taking a summer class at LUMCON in cocodrie. it's a coral reef ecology class and it's been an amazing time so far. next week, we head to the keys to snorkel several reefs.]
i've known since i applied for this class earlier in the year that it was divinely appointed. somewhere in the past week, i realized that this will be the first time i've been in the keys since the last time i went diving on the reefs with my dad 20 years ago. as that realization settles in my heart, it's become increasing more tender and i know that the Lord is pressing into the deeper places of my heart, deeper into the wounds of loss, abandonment and the messages and agreements that go along with such wounds.
this knowledge came into stark relief this morning. i've made friends here; friends from all over the country - students from various universities and states, guys from wood's hole at cape cod, research vessel captains and mates, security guards, kitchen staff... anyway, it's been a neat experience to have the opportunity to talk with these folks, hear their stories, gain insight into their work or research... it's been a lot of fun.
i watched 8 of them leave harbor this morning. 4 on a research vessel, going 60 miles out to deploy an AUV glider into the depths of the gulf of mexico and 4 who are headed about 6 miles out to some of our barrier islands to research the feasibility of re-establishing populations of colonial nesting birds.
i prayed as i watched them leave, for safety, against the mental approach of "one more run" and for Jesus to romance them in ways that speak specifically to their hearts. and as i watched and prayed, tears came unbidden and silently. and that spoke of something deeper going on in my heart.
as with anything that pertains to the issues of the heart, there are many layers and depth that, as i sit here, i'm trying to understand. watching people i know putting out to sea is one. there is fear that they won't come back, that something will happen. the sea can be an unforgiving place. and then there is the ache of wanting to be on board, sharing in the adventure set before them - the longing for more. ache and desire.
i watched them leave harbor and head south, and as they disappeared from sight and i was left standing on the dock, i had a sense of... isolation? loneliness? fear? anticipation? i really don't know. all of those words seem a bit over-stated. i wasn't enveloped in grief or anything close to that. i just was. in that moment and the moments that followed, i just ached, on a lot of levels. but it was a glimmer of ache - a hint of what may come as the Lord presses deeper still into the young and tender places of my heart.
i love that He doesn't leave us in our current state of healing and restoration. about 2 years ago, i dealt with the grief of losing my dad at sea, and my heart was held and healed by Jesus. and i probably could have spent the rest of my time on earth happy with that level of healing. i love how the Lord wants more. more healing for me, more of my heart surrendered to Him. He knows that i desire LIFE, and to get there, to remain there, requires me to continue to allow Him to bind up the broken places, to set more of my heart free.
whatever He's up to, i know this - it's good. it's necessary. and it's going to be ok.
so yes. come, Lord Jesus. yes, let's go deeper still... into my heart, and Yours. and may You receive all glory and honor and praise. amen.
