i wrote in a previous post (which has since been taken down, for the sake of privacy) that i needed a reframe - a different way of looking at what happened to me at my last place of employment. i think i've thought myself into one.
as christians, we are commanded to pray for those who declare themselves our enemies. and i have, both publicly and privately, prayed for my staff. prayed for whatever deep brokenness which exists within them that would allow such violent thought and aggressive action. that was, at first, i freely admit, prayed more from a place of desperation, obedience, and a counselor's heart. and those prayers became my defense against the anxiety which has been so much a part of this season of my life. but as i become more entrenched in this new life back home, i'm less distressed by the past and more consumed with the present. that's another way of saying that time does indeed heal most wounds.
i'm not finished grieving this yet, but i've begun grieving differently. i find myself grieving less for myself and the injustice of what was allowed to happen to me and more for those who perpetrated the events. one staff member was the ringleader for all that transpired, and it is she who consumes my thoughts these days.
ok, so consumes is a bit strong. rather, when i am struck with a random thought at an increasingly random time, that thought is more about her than me. i guess that's part of grieving and forgiving. anyway, these current thoughts circle around the idea of trajectory. i once heard the concept of hell taught as unredeemed mankind being allowed to stay on their current trajectory away from God, with eternal consequence. i tend to agree with this more than some actual burning lake of fire where tortured souls dwell forever in the absence of God - He is, after all, the God of choice, is He not? if we choose to live absent from Him, then is He not obligated by His holiness and righteousness to allow us to stay that course?
but i'm starting to chase a different rabbit than the one i'm really after tonight, so let me bring my thoughts back to her. she remains nameless, of course, for the sake of her privacy, so for the sake of not using pronouns ad nauseam, i'll call her lucy. i worry about lucy. i worry about what consequence she is going to suffer for achieving her goal of getting rid of me. i used to rave in anger at the thought of lucy getting away with her schemes against me, but then something curious happened: i began to realize that God is not just my God, my Righteous Judge, but lucy's, too... and not in a "lucy has to look Jesus in the face one day and explain herself to Him" kind of way, though i surely started out thinking that way. no, that thought process has evolved into concern for lucy's trajectory, because the result of her triumph over me is that she is solidly held fast in the fear that is at the root of all her actions. through lucy's success, her actions were validated, thus cementing the deep-seated fear which caused them in the first place. instead of anger, i feel pity, and my prayers become more sincere. trapped living in fear is a horrible horrible horrible way to live this life. we all live in fear, to a certain extent, but as christians, we live in such a way that leads us into the fear in order to be released from it - Jesus says that it is for freedom that we have been set free, and not to burden ourselves again with it as we walk with Him, but rather, to walk into the fear with Him, allow Him to address it, speak to it, and heal it - and we walk away from it, leaving it in His capable hands. yes, we can tend to cycle back to it, but the holy urge is to LEAVE IT, to walk away from it, to set a course in a direction which allows for peace, love, holiness, and wholeness. to live any other way is folly.
now, 2 caveats are necessary here. 1 is that i am in no way judging lucy's walk with the Lord. she either has one or she doesn't. i make no claim to know. the other caveat is that my thoughts on wholeness and healing are more far-reaching and multi-dimensional, allowing that most of us bob and weave our way through sanctification over a lifetime.
lucy's fear, thus her actions, thus her thought processes, thus her life and her realm of influence, have been VALIDATED, and in a very public arena, which just lends more fuel to the fire. i had a couple of employees quit once they knew what was about to go down. i, as usual, was the last to know what lucy was up to. i knew she was up to something. i'm not stupid. but i had no idea that lucy is capable of such malice - of taking thoughts of violence, justifying them into thoughts of self-righteousness, and turning them into actions with far-reaching ramifications for so many more people than just her or me. people quit their jobs in this economy over her actions. i lost mine. the other employees watched lucy get away with blatant insubordination and sabotage, and what do we think they learned from that, except to FEAR lucy? vendors, patrons, colleagues - so many people know what lucy got away with, and how can that knowledge not feed cynicism and faulty thinking? what about her kids? what are they learning from a woman so trapped, so needful of securing her tiny little world that she is willing to go to such lengths to secure her place in it - what are her kids learning from her about life and how to live it?
i've wondered many, many times why the events transpired the way they did in order for me to know lucy. at the end of the day, not much has changed in my world. i still have the job i had before i moved to that one, i'm still on track to join the management team there, i'm still running, still living, still seeking after the things of God. i've made a few new friends, started writing again, and am on a hiatus from church. these few changes are not bad, and in fact, are actually very good. SO. would God send me on such a crazy mission just to meet someone He's pursuing? perhaps. i mean, yes, we have many examples throughout scripture of holy missions with absolutely insane plots and characters. His ways are definitely not our ways, even for those of us who profess to seek His ways. i think back to that night in colorado, the purity of worship, love, and adoration, the absolute certainty of knowledge that He had finally set me on His course for my life, and i can only answer with a bemused and faltering yes.
yes, He sent me there. yes, i was purposed to meet lucy. He is not random. not even close. yes, He allowed lucy to succeed, knowing that her brokenness would be reinforced, validated. and i can only declare Him wise and good beyond all reckoning, because i know that His desire is to heal lucy. i know that He knows i'd eventually see what really happened and pray for her. and i know that He knew that i'd be sitting here tonight, shaking my head in bewilderment and bemusement at His audacity. ha. i once wrote that my favorite attributes of God are that He is dangerous, wild, unfettered, and free. o, the irony.
i sang a matt redman song that weekend, driving through the mountains in colorado, and i've only just now remembered this as i think of how to wrap up these crazy thoughts. it's a song i've known for a long time, but refused to sing aloud, due to the sheer terror of Him actually holding me to the words, once sung aloud:
hear Your people saying yes,
hear Your people saying yes to You.
yes to anything You ask,
yes to anything we´re called to do.
hear Your people say amen,
hear Your people say amen to You.
let Your kingdom come on earth,
let it be just like we prayed to You.
yes and amen to everything that´s in Your heart,
yes and amen to everything that You have planned.
we live to see Your will be done,
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.
all the promises are yes,
all the promises are yes in You.
every good and perfect gift,
every blessing that we have was You.
yes and amen to everything that´s in Your heart,
yes and amen to everything that You have planned.
we live to see Your will be done,
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.
yes and amen, we´re taking up our cross for You,
give us the strength to take these dreams and follow through.
we live to see Your will be done,
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.
hear Your people saying yes,
hear Your people saying yes to You.
yes to anything You ask,
yes to anything we´re called to do.
hear Your people say amen,
hear Your people say amen to You.
let Your kingdom come on earth,
let it be just like we prayed to You.
yes and amen to everything that´s in Your heart,
yes and amen to everything that You have planned.
we live to see Your will be done,
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.
yes and amen, we´re taking up our cross for You,
give us the strength to take these dreams and follow through.
we live to see Your will be done,
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.
yes and amen.
