fearless

i've had a hard week. maybe that's a bit understated; i've had a really, really hard week. even that's an understatement, but you get the gist. it's been tough, and it culminated yesterday into an all-out nightmare. in the midst of it, in my more sane moments when i am not gnashing my teeth nor rending my garments, i find myself reflecting on a picture a friend of mine shared the other day:

when i first saw it, i commented with a quip, "...am learning..." little did i know how quickly that little quote would come into play in my life.

in the deepest, darkest hours of last night, alone with emotions raging inside of me, my thoughts stilled for a moment on this quote. i was raging at HIM because He has asked too much of me this time; He has asked me to forgive someone... AGAIN. the echoes of people He's asked me to forgive ran through my mind, and the sheer length of the list left me breathless. it was staggering. it IS staggering. it seemed as though the images of those who have wronged me in my life were on a reel, and it was unraveling before me as their faces crossed my mind. my heart is skipping a few beats even recalling those moments last night, and even in the remembering of the names of those who have gone before, those whom He has asked me to forgive UNSPEAKABLE wrongs, i felt my heart quaking. i'm not gonna lie - i'm shaking again just writing about this.

here's the thing: you can't truly get past a wrong until you loosen your grip around their necks and release them to Him. His justice, His timing, His way. i know this to be true. but damn it all to hell, i want to be angry. i want to allow myself to feel the weight of the wrong. i want to... live in peace, undisturbed by those who choose to exist outside the Kingdom. here's the other thing: He won't let me. His life isn't peaceful; it certainly is not lived without being subjected to scorn, injustice, betrayal.

i wrestled with these thoughts for hours. and i mean literally wrestled, as in tossed, turned, flipped, flopped, beat the pillows, and yelled in protest as i fought my flesh and rode my anger into the emotion lying beneath it - fear. i was afraid. it's that simple, and that complex. if i have to put a name to what i fear, i guess i would most honestly say that i fear life with Him is too hard, and life without Him is unbearable. He asks too much of me.

the idea of living life fearlessly has been with me for awhile. in reflecting on what i went through last night, i realized that living fearlessly does not mean living without fear. it means living through the fear and into Life... but you gotta believe that Life is worth living - and that's where i got stuck.

(j.r.r. tolkien)

truthfully, i'm not fully unstuck, which is why the tenses keep changing as i write. as i was looking for the picture of the quote mentioned at the top, i ran across all of these other pictures first. notice a theme here?

i think i'm done wrestling, for now. i will always wrestle; it's in my nature to do so. thankfully, the length of the wrestling matches has shortened over time. last night was seemingly endless, dark, fraught with anger and fear. my hope is that tonight, i will rest in the knowledge of mercy and grace, both given and received, throughout this day. last night, i was slamming myself against the Rock. this night, i choose to rest in peace, with wayward thoughts held captive and firm reminders of His mercy and grace so evident in my life today held, white-knuckled, until they are no longer a mantra and a shield, but a place in which to dwell, safe in the knowledge that the Kingdom is not at risk, and neither am i.