undaunted

I know – that’s a pretty bold statement... consider the source.

Let’s take a brief look at 2006 so far – a “year in review”, if you will. We’ll look at it through 2 lenses.

The World View

January 1 – Sunday School is amazing. I don’t know what changed from one Sunday to the next, but the dynamic is different somehow and it’s obvious that the Lord is doing something there.

January 2 – my family gets a call that my cousin has had a heart attack while traveling for work, and is in critical condition in a hospital in Knoxville.

January 5 – my family gets another call, more urgent this time, that my cousin is not responding to medical treatment, and is, in fact, expected to die. The Lord sends me to Knoxville – 9 hours away.

January 6 - I experience the incredibly difficult process of making the decision to take Bill off life support and watching him die, and experiencing my family's grief knowing that my prayers for healing my have somehow contributed to their level of grief. I was absolutely convinced that He sent me there to pray for healing, specifically.

January 7– I drive Bill’s wife home to Mississippi, and within hours, I am being screamed at by a drunken, grief-stricken cousin. I am beyond despair, and have been up for over 50 hours straight.

January 8 – a week to the day after the incredible start to the Sunday School class, and I roll back into Baton Rouge just in time for the Ring. My friends pray for me, my Lord refuels me, and He prepares me to go back to Mississippi for the funeral, which promises more family dysfunction and drama.

January 9 – back to work for a day, then a trip to meet with my pastor for some sense of normalcy in a world gone mad. I’ve hit bottom by then, and am infused by His strength. I am beginning to get my feet under me again.

January 10 – back on the road to Mississippi, sister in tow, to help with arrangements and attend the wake.

January 11 – the funeral sucked. I had a slight altercation with the reverend and embarrassed my mom. Yay grief and judgment. Back home and back to work.

January 31 – the Intent to Vacate is due on my apartment. The Lord told me I would be here 2 years, but He said that 2 years ago, and His silence is deafening. I try to turn in a conditional Intent to Vacate, and the office refuses to accept it, but say they are willing to work with me, as there is a waiting list for my apartment, and as soon as it’s turned in, we’re out – there’s no turning back. Yay more stress.

Brief digression – I lost my last home in a disastrous divorce – my ex maintained possession of the house and did not pay for it. When I moved home from Texas, the banks came after me, as I was the only one holding a job. I spent that summer working in the abandoned house, repairing holes in the walls and repainting everything – no electricity and no running water – did I mention that said house is 17’ aboveground? I was forced into bankruptcy 2 years ago after the banks foreclosed on the property and sued me personally. There's nothing quite like the feeling of showing up to work on a house that my ex committed adultry in and the locks on the doors have been drilled. I did not know that life held so much humiliation. But wait - there's more.

February – I believe that the Lord wants me to step out in faith. I apply for a mortgage with my mom, and we are approved for quite a bit of house. The hunt is on for THE house He has for us. I found one house that I fell in love with that was outside my price range, so I decided to not risk it. Another house dropped in my lap, this time from a coworker, and it’s perfect for me. After much prayer, I realize that while it is perfect for me, it is not perfect for me, Katie and Mom. My agent happens to call and encourages me to make an offer on the first house, which I do – I would have regretted not trying. I ask the owners to come down significantly, and they meet me halfway. Halfway is not good enough – I made my best offer and I really do not feel any peace about making a counter offer. I stick to my initial offer. The owners happen to be en route to Baton Rouge from south Florida, and they have the house appraised – 3 times – and each time the appraisal come in right at what I offered. They refuse to sell, I refuse to go into a house upside down – not to mention that no bank in the world will finance over 100% LTV to a person 2 years out of a Chapter 7 bankruptcy, so the deal dies around the first week of March.

I would be remiss is I failed to mention the launch of the Ring Community Church on February 12. What an AMAZING display of the Lord’s faithfulness, and a night of unsurpassed worship and praise to the Father. GLORY.

March 6 – Katie puts her notice in at work that she won’t be committing to a new class in the spring. She’ll be unemployed by June if she does not find something between now and then.

March 8 – I am unable to wake up for an early morning coffee date with Meg – I physically cannot open my eyes, much less get out of bed. I manage to get a text message to her, and try to go back to sleep. Later that morning, I’m walking the dog and I am sobbing as I walk, with no idea why. As I approach my apartment building, I see my downstairs neighbor, Mama Bertie, as I call her, and she come out and hugs me. I break down totally, and cry on her shoulder for a good 10 minutes. Embarrassed and confused, I make my excuses and go get ready for work.

Another slight digression – my boss has been acting funny – avoiding me – for weeks. Something’s up – I just don’t know what…

Back to March 8 – I have an 11:00 meeting with my boss to go over some work stuff. The Lord keeps prompting me to talk to him about my feelings of inadequacy – that I’m somehow letting him down because he is so stressed, and I’ve become nothing more than a highly over-compensated data entry clerk – which I did not sign up for and am very unhappy in that role. I argue with the Lord, and praise God He won. Long story short, he tells me he is restructuring my department, and my position is being eliminated – this is probably a direct result of my repeated insistence that he needs to be in Baton Rouge more – that the company has no day-to-day leadership and is floundering. Yay corporate America. Which is bullshit – what’s really going on is that he does not believe in my ability to lead – and he does not want to make the rest of the sales staff unhappy – of all of us, I am the expendable one. He was planning to tell me that afternoon, but since I brought it up, he told me that morning. I had a meeting with my realtor at lunch to go look at another house, which I probably would have put an offer on… so the house hunt comes to a screeching halt, Katie and I are moving into my mom’s 2 bedroom condo, and I’m waiting for D-Day when I’m finally told that I’ve been let go. Yay arrows of abandonment and rejection hitting me in the deep places of my heart.

March 15 – as much as I try to keep all this under wraps, the rumor mill at work is alive and well, and I find out that I’m THE topic of conversation at work – which is extremely embarrassing to me. Office political bullshit ensues, and heads are about to roll – attempts at defrauding the company are being exposed (no, I’m not defrauding the company) and things are getting crazy. For the most part, I am able to hold my head high and stand firmly in my faith - which is cool, because when people notice that, I get to point to Jesus as my Source.

March 17 – today was not such a good day. I feel rejected, invaluable as a person and as an employee, and my heart is heavy to the point of pain. My faith is taking a real beating, and I am despondent.

There’s more to this whole long story, but you get the gist.

The Spiritual View

January – I was given the honor of praying for my cousin’s soul, leading my family spiritually though an incredibly painful time, and giving Bill’s wife a crash-course in Christianity 101 – even though she’s been “saved” for 3 years (part of the reason for the altercation with the reverend.) I was allowed to intercede for Bill’s soul and show God’s light in a very dark place.

February – I took a leap of faith and He was faithful to His promise of 2 years – to the day. He allowed me to step out in faith, trusting Him to stop me, and He did. The lease here has been fulfilled, and any money I earn between now and the time I’m let go is being saved to pay my truck note and insurance so that I won’t be a burden on my mom. I’m planning a month break – going to stay with a friend in Florida to go fishing, and to sit on the beach at sunrise and sunset, and to regain my perspective – and to just rest in Him for a while.

March – I’m losing my job because I strive for personal excellence and perfection, and that makes people uncomfortable (I prefer convicted, but whatever). The Lord brought me to that place, and only the Lord can bring me away. May I shine His light brightly in these last days.

I don’t have a clue what the Lord is doing – but I know He’s doing something BIG. I’ve always said I’m along for the ride – well, I’m hanging on for dear life and I’m about at my wits end. I have more good days than bad – today was really bad.

So, what’s the point of this ridiculously long post? In a word – defiance. I am not defined by my circumstances. I am not defined by friendships that have not developed like I thought they would. Discouraged, but not defined. I will not believe the lies of the enemy of God that tell me I am abandoned and rejected by my boss and my community. That’s total bullshit.

Ultimately, it’s been an amazing year – I just have to look through the right lens. He’s up to something, and I cannot wait to see what He’s got in store – I just hope my heart can take it between now and then.