i'll tell you, if i can, how all of the questions posed in the last post can be answered - how all of these circumstances can possibly glorify the LORD.
i have to be honest. in the weeks that i have been trying to write this post, i've found that i'm not going to be able to tell you HOW He is going to be glorified by my life. i just know that He will. does that make sense? i have not seen the full glory that He intends for many of these things - but i know that i will - and if i don't, my descendents will. sometimes, things happen that won't be fully understood in our lifetimes. the only way my heart can make sense of it is to fully embrace the truth that He never wastes a hurt, and that He always turns things for His good.
t made a statement a few weeks ago, that i'm not convinced was planned - it seemed more an afterthought, but it's stuck with me, resonating in my mind day after day. he said that "waits" are "opportunities to forget." that's it - exactly. i may never know how He chooses to glorify Himself, but i know - i cannot forget - that He has delivered, provided, forgiven, fought... prevailed WITHOUT FAIL. i don't believe that He's going to stop anytime soon...
reaux talked about taking thoughts captive, and that not doing so is an act of disobedience. that's a new thought for me. i'm hitting on thoughts because they are so much a part of defeat. too many lies, too much pride, too much flesh, too much me in there. if i would just stop, and KNOW, well, now, that would be an entirely different story, now wouldn't it?
jake talked about fear and anxiety crippling us - dividing our thoughts and our minds - our hearts - from the only One deserving of so much mental energy. i mean, really. i initially thought that i was going to try to answer each question posed in "don't", but that's really beside the point, isn't it? our faith is in the unseen, the yet to happen, the promises. yes, i need to heal, i need to trust, and i need to obey. i need to take the hint from josh's message on the israelites...
don't forget
the song below has been circling in my heart for weeks now. it's only by your prayers and His grace that i'm able to run to Him. thank you, deeply, for being on this journey with me.
When I cannot feel,
when my wounds don't heal
Lord I humbly kneel, hidden in You
Lord, You are my life
so I don't mind to die
Just as long as I am hidden in You
If I could just sit with You a while,
if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me
though I'm wounded,
though I die
If I could just sit with You a while,
I need You to hold me
Moment by moment,
'till forever passes by
When I know I’ve sinned
when I should have been
Crying out my God
and hidden in you
Lord I need you now,
more than I know how
So I humbly bow,
hidden in you
If I could just sit with You a while,
if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me
though I'm wounded,
though I die
If I could just sit with You a while,
I need You to hold me
Moment by moment,
'till forever passes by
If I could just sit with You a while,
I need You to hold me
Moment by moment,
'till forever passes by
Moment by moment,
'till forever passes by
- lyrics taken from the MercyMe website
6.21.2006
6.02.2006
stunned
this post is out of order, but due to the sheer enormity of what has happened in the last 24 hours, i really just don't care... the next post will be titled "forget" and is a continuation of "don't". in the meantime...
i had forgotten what it feels like to have the Lord just open His arms and love me. i have never seen Him so intimately gracious and lavish with His love, provision and grace. my heart is joyous to the point of pain at being so near to Him... i can almost feel His breath on my face. He is so stinking amazing.
have you ever had dreams that you have not even admitted to being dreams come true? have you ever had prayers answered that you didn't know you prayed?
in the space of 24 hours, He has provided a way for deep healing to occur, AND has shown me His purpose for my life, AND opened my eyes to my true community that has been there all along, loving me despite me. please, let me explain...
i have been approached by a friend who desires to walk with me through the deep recesses of the wounds i've sustained in my life, to see them re-opened and exposed to the Light of Christ, to allow for true healing to occur in order that my life experience will finally be of some use to the Body. it's an amazing opportunity, and one that i would never have asked for. frankly, i'm astounded that someone would willingly traverse those waters with me... "in brokenness comes beauty and divine fragility..."
i walked onto the campus of lsu today not having a clue what He purposed for my life, for His Kingdom and His people. i left campus with an opportunity to study under a world-renowned expert in a world-renowned lab, major professors identified, thesis committee formed and thesis topic clearly defined and funding in place... all without officially declaring a degree program or even taking the GRE yet... that does not happen. we have a fundamental belief at the ring - God always blesses His ideas. does He ever... in all 33 years of my life, i've never known what i want to be when i grow up - never known my purpose, no true sense of calling on my life. now, it's so clear what He wants. a few months ago, a friend of mine likened this difficult season in my life to the time Jesus spent in the desert - at the end of His time in the desert, Jesus began His earthly ministry...
tonight, i joined a group of friends for a time of work and fellowship at one of the couples' house. as i spoke to the girls while the guys were outside laying sod about what the Lord is doing in my life, and as i spoke to the guys individually about it, He spoke to me - "see, you have the community you so desperately desire. they've been here all along. you've chosen not to be a part of the community I set in place for you. don't you see that these people love you? don't you see that you belong? don't you see that they are allies of the heart?" yes, yes, YES!
i have chills. i hope you do, too. and the coolest part of it all? just being with Him. yes, He showed up, BIG TIME. yes, He FINALLY revealed to me what He wants from my life - how i am to serve Him and His people with all He made me to be. He finally opened my eyes to the community that surrounds me. He finally placed someone in my life that desires to delve deeply into my past to allow Him to heal me... but even more than all of these great and wonderful things He's set into place - He's shown me what it means to truly seek His face more than i seek His hand.
He is so near... so near that it's hard to breathe. that alone is worth EVERYTHING. i feel like the guy who got to hold Jesus as a baby, and knew that his life was complete because of it.
i had forgotten what it feels like to have the Lord just open His arms and love me. i have never seen Him so intimately gracious and lavish with His love, provision and grace. my heart is joyous to the point of pain at being so near to Him... i can almost feel His breath on my face. He is so stinking amazing.
have you ever had dreams that you have not even admitted to being dreams come true? have you ever had prayers answered that you didn't know you prayed?
in the space of 24 hours, He has provided a way for deep healing to occur, AND has shown me His purpose for my life, AND opened my eyes to my true community that has been there all along, loving me despite me. please, let me explain...
i have been approached by a friend who desires to walk with me through the deep recesses of the wounds i've sustained in my life, to see them re-opened and exposed to the Light of Christ, to allow for true healing to occur in order that my life experience will finally be of some use to the Body. it's an amazing opportunity, and one that i would never have asked for. frankly, i'm astounded that someone would willingly traverse those waters with me... "in brokenness comes beauty and divine fragility..."
i walked onto the campus of lsu today not having a clue what He purposed for my life, for His Kingdom and His people. i left campus with an opportunity to study under a world-renowned expert in a world-renowned lab, major professors identified, thesis committee formed and thesis topic clearly defined and funding in place... all without officially declaring a degree program or even taking the GRE yet... that does not happen. we have a fundamental belief at the ring - God always blesses His ideas. does He ever... in all 33 years of my life, i've never known what i want to be when i grow up - never known my purpose, no true sense of calling on my life. now, it's so clear what He wants. a few months ago, a friend of mine likened this difficult season in my life to the time Jesus spent in the desert - at the end of His time in the desert, Jesus began His earthly ministry...
tonight, i joined a group of friends for a time of work and fellowship at one of the couples' house. as i spoke to the girls while the guys were outside laying sod about what the Lord is doing in my life, and as i spoke to the guys individually about it, He spoke to me - "see, you have the community you so desperately desire. they've been here all along. you've chosen not to be a part of the community I set in place for you. don't you see that these people love you? don't you see that you belong? don't you see that they are allies of the heart?" yes, yes, YES!
i have chills. i hope you do, too. and the coolest part of it all? just being with Him. yes, He showed up, BIG TIME. yes, He FINALLY revealed to me what He wants from my life - how i am to serve Him and His people with all He made me to be. He finally opened my eyes to the community that surrounds me. He finally placed someone in my life that desires to delve deeply into my past to allow Him to heal me... but even more than all of these great and wonderful things He's set into place - He's shown me what it means to truly seek His face more than i seek His hand.
He is so near... so near that it's hard to breathe. that alone is worth EVERYTHING. i feel like the guy who got to hold Jesus as a baby, and knew that his life was complete because of it.
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