stunned

this post is out of order, but due to the sheer enormity of what has happened in the last 24 hours, i really just don't care... the next post will be titled "forget" and is a continuation of "don't". in the meantime...

i had forgotten what it feels like to have the Lord just open His arms and love me. i have never seen Him so intimately gracious and lavish with His love, provision and grace. my heart is joyous to the point of pain at being so near to Him... i can almost feel His breath on my face. He is so stinking amazing.

have you ever had dreams that you have not even admitted to being dreams come true? have you ever had prayers answered that you didn't know you prayed?

in the space of 24 hours, He has provided a way for deep healing to occur, AND has shown me His purpose for my life, AND opened my eyes to my true community that has been there all along, loving me despite me. please, let me explain...

i have been approached by a friend who desires to walk with me through the deep recesses of the wounds i've sustained in my life, to see them re-opened and exposed to the Light of Christ, to allow for true healing to occur in order that my life experience will finally be of some use to the Body. it's an amazing opportunity, and one that i would never have asked for. frankly, i'm astounded that someone would willingly traverse those waters with me... "in brokenness comes beauty and divine fragility..."

i walked onto the campus of lsu today not having a clue what He purposed for my life, for His Kingdom and His people. i left campus with an opportunity to study under a world-renowned expert in a world-renowned lab, major professors identified, thesis committee formed and thesis topic clearly defined and funding in place... all without officially declaring a degree program or even taking the GRE yet... that does not happen. we have a fundamental belief at the ring - God always blesses His ideas. does He ever... in all 33 years of my life, i've never known what i want to be when i grow up - never known my purpose, no true sense of calling on my life. now, it's so clear what He wants. a few months ago, a friend of mine likened this difficult season in my life to the time Jesus spent in the desert - at the end of His time in the desert, Jesus began His earthly ministry...

tonight, i joined a group of friends for a time of work and fellowship at one of the couples' house. as i spoke to the girls while the guys were outside laying sod about what the Lord is doing in my life, and as i spoke to the guys individually about it, He spoke to me - "see, you have the community you so desperately desire. they've been here all along. you've chosen not to be a part of the community I set in place for you. don't you see that these people love you? don't you see that you belong? don't you see that they are allies of the heart?" yes, yes, YES!

i have chills. i hope you do, too. and the coolest part of it all? just being with Him. yes, He showed up, BIG TIME. yes, He FINALLY revealed to me what He wants from my life - how i am to serve Him and His people with all He made me to be. He finally opened my eyes to the community that surrounds me. He finally placed someone in my life that desires to delve deeply into my past to allow Him to heal me... but even more than all of these great and wonderful things He's set into place - He's shown me what it means to truly seek His face more than i seek His hand.

He is so near... so near that it's hard to breathe. that alone is worth EVERYTHING. i feel like the guy who got to hold Jesus as a baby, and knew that his life was complete because of it.