silent

my frustration level is running on high octane right now... the decisions i need to make become more and more convoluted and confusing as time passes. stemming from a desperate need to understand what the hell is going on in my life, i'm putting to words what i believe are my options. because this is such an inward-focused post, it may not make any sense at all to you - and that, in some ways, is deliberate. i need to be able to get it all out and not worry about it's readability. call it brainstorming, heartsearching, bellyacheing, whatever, but this one is for me. i share it with you because i believe so stongly in sharing our lives with one another - but i make no promises as to you having a clue what i'm writing about.

the way i see it:

option 1 - seattle - mhgs
option 2 - seattle - job
option 3 - baton rouge - nobts
option 4 - baton rouge - job
option 5 - baton rouge - lsu
option 6 - run away

the way He sees it:

options 1-6 - lack of faith

on top of all this is a silent disapproval that permeates many of my relationships... which stems from a lack of understanding and social norms. i totally get it that you don't get it - i don't get it either.

unexpected

so much for me trying to get my sleep schedule back to anything resembling "normal"... with the addition of the music player to this blog, i've been searching through all my old music to find songs that mean something to me so that i can share them with you. this morning, i was up past 4 am looking for one particular song. the name was eluding me, and that was driving me nuts... so, stubborn one that i am, i dug out some old cd's that i burned almost 5 years ago, to the day - i burned them right around the time my divorce was finalized.

i have never listened to them.

i know that's strange - but i knew when i burned them that my intent was not to listen to them, but rather to capture a season of my life so as not to lose it. i wanted to capture all of the emotion, pain, fear and loneliness of that time, even as i wanted a place where the good memories could remain, intact and unforgotten. the cd's are entitled, "heartbreak 1" and "heartbreak 2". going through them tonight, it's amazing how beautifully they reflect the end of a relationship, the end of that part of my life, and how they even manage to allow some of the good times to bring a smile to my face. even as my heart tugged, there were very few tears... i only actually cried when enya's "intro to watermark" came on - how random is that??? out of 40 songs ranging from clint black and keith whitley (yes, country - what else fits so well in this situation?), the calling to stp, rem to system of a down, godsmack to son volt, bad company to nirvana, alice in chains to pavarotti... the songs manage to capture all of the emotions, and, in some very strange way, to validate them. the pain was real, and even with the passing of time and the fading of those memories, it's strange to realize that i need those emotions to be valid and real.

huh. i never realized that i needed that until just now.

the lack of tears was unexpected and somehow reassuring. to find that i have reached a point where i can look back and smile, remember, and KNOW that part of my heart is healed... that's priceless. it was quite an experience to listen to the music, remember the pain, and it not be about my ex. it was rather surreal, now that i think back over it. the pain was dull and sharp, all at the same time, but it wasn't about him, it was about the death of the relationship. strange distinction, i know, but real all the same.

Jesus stepped into the darkness that still lurks deep in the recesses of my heart, and although He has already done so much, He continues His healing work - sometimes without me even realizing it. there are other wounds stemming from that time in my life that are yet to be addressed... but it seems as though He brought me there tonight just to show me how far He's taken me. i think He just offered me a gentle nudge of reassurance that He is continuing His work of changing and softening and reshaping my heart. that's so amazing to me... and so gracious of Him to go back to that place with me, especially because i didn't even know i needed to go back.

i've never been one to look back very often - i believe my life is about where i am going, not about where i've been. i do so every now and again here on this blog as a way to share my life with you, and as a way for me to go back and let Him finish anything left unattended after all this time. i think it's fair to say that i am not normally given to shying away from pain, conflict or struggle - and i think it's cool that He's pointed out that He was redeveloping and reshaping those qualities even back then. it's incredible to look back now and see His hand all over this life. i love how personal He is! speaking of - brian has a great post up right now about how personal Jesus is - not just Jesus Himself, but His message, His way - all of Him is just, well, intimately involved and intertwined in our lives, throughout our lives. nate also has a really good post that explores this... this... inward invasion of our hearts.

inward invasion - that's exactly right! Jesus stands, just here, waiting for us to ask Him in. once we do... watch out. He's up to more than just binding up the brokenhearted - He's here to stay, and His presence creates a longing, a yearning, for MORE - more healing, more love, more of our hearts given over to Him, day after day. in my experience, i couldn't just give Him my heart and all the brokenness there... at least, it wasn't a one-time deal. trusting Him as Savior is one thing - getting to know Him is quite another experience. we keep going back, going deeper. the whole point of intimacy is a complete and thorough knowledge of one another - reciprocity is the key that allows for relationship. the overflow of this relationship is love - love for God and love for man. those would be commandments 1 and 2, as it turns out. funny that, as that's where release for the prisoners (oppressed) begins, as well. (in case you're unfamiliar with the text, i'm referencing isaiah 61:1-2, which Jesus quoted in luke 4:18-19 when He revealed Himself as the Christ.)

i'm not sure how i progressed from looking for a song, to realizing that my pain was real and valid, to recognizing His inward invasion of my heart, and, from all this, to have arrived at the very basics of being a disciple of Christ - love. He's doing something pretty crazy in me. in the space of 12 or so hours (it's taken a while to get this post right), He's taken me from the death of a tangible relationship to the reality of life with Him.

from death to life... that's the beauty of the Gospel. it's the allure of the invitation to freedom and life... and the invitation to die, so that we may live - and that others may live, as well.

music!!!

and the master, the man... introducing matthew and his mad skillz
----> a radio!!!

woo hoo!!! go matthew, go matthew, go matthew!!!

decide

this is today's entry from diary of an old soul by george mcdonald. any attempt by me to comment or expound on it will only take away from it's beauty.

'Tis--shall thy will be done for me?--or mine,
And I be made a thing not after thine--
My own, and dear in paltriest details?
Shall I be born of God, or of mere man?
Be made like Christ, or on some other plan?--
I let all run--set thou and trim my sails;
Home then my course, let blow whatever gales.

perspective 2

so this wasn't the song i thought i was posting next, but it's been circling in my mind. again, if you know it, try to refrain from singing it to yourself as you read the words - view it through the lens of worship, but with a cool twist - HE is singing to us... i love the passionate pursuit and desire for deep intimacy that this song conveys - especially from His perspective... "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." - zephaniah 3:17

it’s by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done
to be so in love with you and so alone

follow Me where I go
what I do and who I know
make it part of you to be a part of Me
follow Me up and down
all the way and all around
take My hand and say you’ll follow Me

it’s long been on My mind
you know it’s been a long, long time
I’ve tried to find the way that I can make you understand
the way I feel about you and just how much I need you
to be there where I can talk to you
when there’s no one else around

you see I’d like to share My life with you
and show you things I’ve seen
places that I’m going to
places where I’ve been
to have you there beside Me and never be alone
and all the time that you’re with Me
we will be at home

-- follow me, written by john denver

forty-seven

[this is a joint effort by me, katie, paula and nate... we're all in this together]

our annual concentrated time of prayer is typically known as "the 30 days". that time has now been stretched to 43 days, to include january 1 through february 12. this year, it was extended to 47 days, as we held our first family meeting on february 16. 47 days of prayer, of spiritual craziness and watching God trump the enemy again and again and again.

what we want to record here is a list of lessons learned this year, so as not to go into next year unprepared. some are obvious, some are not. this list is a way to remember - a place to come back to reflect and, hopefully, allow the Lord to continue to teach us over time.

1. don't go into this expecting to get your ass kicked - because you will
2. drama is self-inflicted - it is a choice
3. not everyone intercedes in the same way - some petition, some have divine insight, some wrestle with demons, some declare His glory, some just pray it down - but the whole combines into a beautiful canopy of prayer
4. when battling demons - the Word is NOT NEGOTIABLE
5. when you have nothing nice to say - SHUT UP (note to self)
6. the enemy is not very creative - the same tactics work again, and again, and again, and...
7. the enemy apparently does not like it when a Body comes together to read Neil T. Anderson's WHO I AM IN CHRIST
8. be prepared to come up for "grace filled air" and spur one another on... sometimes that's the only way to get to the finish line
9. load your mp3 player with worship music and let it play as you sleep - all night long
10. love covers all transgressions (proverbs 10:12)
11. when your wife has a 200 pound demon sitting on her while she sleeps, and wakes up swinging and screaming the name of Jesus, don't commit her to the nearest psych ward for a thorazine drip - pray with her instead
12. the enemy is targeting us because we are in the center of God's will - the more ferocious the battle, the greater the victory for the Kingdom
13. know when to "just" pray, and when to intervene in a situation - sometimes the Lord really does want to show off
14. discernment is a beautiful thing - USE IT
15. wisdom is a wonderful thing - ASK FOR IT... and apply it
16. if the Lord wakes you up in the middle of the night to write an email - get up and write it - immediately
17. fast when He tells you to, stop when He releases you
18. be intentional about staying away from situations or people that will cause you to lose focus on Him
19. give the pastor guy some grace - he really needs it - he is the one really on the front lines
20. the enemy is all about causing division and strife... and a little air-headedness (oh, wait - can i blame that on him?)
21. unfortunately, being a friend or family member of a crazy intercessor chick during 47 days of spiritual craziness is not as easy as one would like - just a head's up
22. rage should only ever be directed at the one deserving of such malice - the enemy of our souls
23. the enemy knows our buttons, and will push them mercilessly
24. if you really, really, really don't feel like doing something - drag your butt there, even if someone else has to do the dragging
25. accountability is an absolute necessity
26. be deliberate about praying for yourself FIRST - it's not selfish, it's essential
27. if your first thought is to react - DON'T
28. recognition brings on opposition - be ready for it
29. when you do mess something up, own up to it, apologize and move on
30. it's not your job to cover everyone and everything - that's why we are called a BODY
31. the Lord will send people your way to help you, teach you, encourage you and love you
32. the dots WILL connect
33. "worship is the highest form of warfare"
34. declare His magnificence in the face of evil AND in His presence
35. demonic assault does not just manifest spiritually - he is not beyond physical affliction
36. if you can't actually see to read the words on the page in front of you... the book is an absolute must-read... in this case, Anderson's Victory Over the Darkness
37. just because it's almost over doesn't mean lightning won't strike again - in the same place
38. put others' needs in front of your own - His timing is perfect - you can count on it
39. be deliberate in circling the wagons when part of your community is in need of help - even if they don't know it
40. when your world goes beyond crazy - hang on - He's about to rock your face
41. the Body is what it is because you are who you are (HIS) - don't forget that
42. life emerges victorious even in the face of opposition - praise you, Lord!
43. hearing, and listening to, the voice of your Shepherd is CRITICAL
44. fight against distraction and diminishment with everything you have - you're here for a reason
45. just because something HURTS does not mean it's causing HARM
46. STEP AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER... before you throw a couple of punches at the monitor
47. keep things in perspective - HE will not fail US (joshua 1:5)

stretch

we made it!!!

the Lord brought the ring community church through our first year. if i had to pick one word to describe the past 365 days, it would be "stretch". we've grown in ways that we never thought of, faced things that we didn't anticipate, celebrated life and mourned loss, danced, sang, ate A LOT... we lived life side-by-side through all sorts of things that came our way.

and the coolest part about it? as josh said last night, this is not about us at all - it's all about Him, and His glory. no way could we have made it through without Him.

but by the grace of God go we, into the next year. may His will be done, now and always.

perspective 1

this is the first of several posts where i plan to take traditionally secular songs and view them through the lens of worship. if you know the song - try to refrain from singing it in your mind while you read it - let your spirit absorb the words.

i've chosen this one first for 2 reasons - katie thought to view this artist's songs through this lens a couple of years ago - and then paula and i were in lifeway last night, and i actually found this one released as a worship song, covered by travis cottrell on the cd, "found".

You fill up my senses
like a night in the forest
like the mountains in springtime
like a walk in the rain
like a storm in the desert
like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
come fill me again

come let me love You
let me give my life to You
let me drown in Your laughter
let me die in Your arms
let me lay down beside You
let me always be with You
come let me love You
come love me again

-- annie's song, written by john denver

faith

i'm reading diary of an old soul by george mcdonald with some friends as a daily devotional this year. here is the one for my birthday:

Thou near then, I draw nearer--to thy feet,
And sitting in thy shadow, look out on thy shine;
Ready at thy first word to leave my seat--
Not thee: thou goest too. From every clod
Into thy footprint flows the indwelling wine;
And in my daily bread, keen-eyed I greet
It's being's heart, the very body of God.

step by step, into His heart. it is everything i desire... and everything i fear.