defiance

it seems as though this year, my life has been one of defiance. defiance for God, not from Him. i've spent my life either ignoring God, running away from Him, or more recently, running toward Him. in learning to run toward God, i've learned also what that decision, that way of life, costs those who choose it. for it is a choice.

i've chosen to defy religion. i've chosen to defy what's expected of me by the world and by the church. i've chosen His way. i've chosen Life.

that choice has cost me.

it's cost friendships. it's cost respect in the eyes of others. it's cost community. it's cost me, well... me.

living fully alive - or trying to get there and stay there - is not a la-dee-da kind of life... although it is truly the only way to really live. there are times of deep despair, and times of unspeakable joy. there is pain and sorrow. and there is adventure - heart-thudding moments of being stretched beyond already crazy limits i've set for myself. it's exhausting, this living.

but it's worth it.

that's not written lightly. it really is worth it. i'm fully cognizant of how easy it would be to give up - to settle for a life of mediocrity and death, for surely my heart would die were i to give up. i know this, and that knowledge propels me forward when it would be so much easier to just give in.

i wrote earlier this year that i intend to live my life out of bounds. and so i have. and it's been glorious. i've never traveled more extensively, loved more ferociously, hurt more significantly, been more lonely, or lived more intentionally.

were i to choose to live a "normal" christian life, i would be a blip on the radar rather than the saddle burr i've become. my life challenges those who see it, or glimpses of it, really. my heart and my life have been most correctly described as renegade. i've also been described as a bulldog. a slight nuance, but a significant one. in the times when the pain of that particular observation subsides a bit, i wonder about the state of the hearts of the observers, that they would see and interpret my heart so incredibly differently.

so again i choose Jesus. and i accept the consequences of that decision. i accept the misunderstanding, the fear, the downright dislike... and through the very human reaction of pain and isolation, my spirit rejoices that perhaps the box, if not shredded, has grown just a little. what box? the box that we've put God into. my spirit rejoices that the misunderstanding of God's heart is questioned, if just briefly.

tonight, as most everyone i know sits in church - out of love or obligation or both - i sit here, alone with my thoughts and the desires of my heart. it throbs with wonder and glee at the cunning brilliance of our God, putting into motion a plan that will ultimately cost Him His life, in order to gain back ours. my heart beats in rebellion and sadness that this night has become about salvation. so easy to make it about that, right? i understand. so much easier to grasp the idea of "your sins are forgiven" than the idea of life restored and hearts renewed, and all that will require of us.

... and i can't help but think that He's grinning, too, heart beating in love and adoration and staggering vulnerability that we are beginning to understand. the lies of the enemy are being exposed. our mistrust in the heart of God is being proved false and unfounded... again. He proved it when He slipped into the world as a babe. He proved it through the example He set with His life. He proved it when He died. He proved it when He rose. He proved it when He ascended. He proved it when He sent His Spirit. and He's been proving it ever since.

amazing. my heart stumbles over the thought of the Holy One proving Himself to anyone or anything. that He continues to do so just staggers me. He continues to defy us, the enemy and the box we keep trying to put Him in. is it such a difficult thought to think that the God who lives a life of defiance calls us to live such a life, as well?