tempered

[disclaimer - these thoughts are my own somewhat muddled musings about a podcast i listened to today. any interpretation of the content is my own, and should not be considered as endorsed or in any way affiliated with josh causey or the ring community church.]

i listened to a podcast today (if the link doesn't work, it's the ring community church podcast by josh causey, sermon title "isaiah 53:1-3 - despised and rejected..." you can find in the iTunes store).

that, in and of itself, is not new nor newsworthy. i've been in colorado for just over 2 months now and have only attended church here once - 2 words - "megachurch" and "yikes" - so i've been seeking spiritual nourishment in several alternate forms - podcasts, books, community, conversations, hikes in the mountains...

and that's where this story begins. in the mountains, where the veil between heaven and earth is very, very thin. i hold a running conversation with God as i walk through the mountains. i can hear Him more clearly up among the trees and boulders than just about anywhere else in the world. maybe it's because i'm away from the noise and confusion of life, or maybe it's because i am intentionally seeking His presence and interaction, but we hold actual conversations. sometimes, it's just silence - a mutual enjoyment of one another without a need for words. and sometimes, He will show me something in nature, something breath-taking and unexpected, and it's both a joyous celebration of His creativity and majesty, and a way for Him to gain access to parts of my heart that are not yet fully submitted to Him. call it a holy ambush. i find myself stepping around a bend in the trail or out onto a boulder and my breath is just gone. and in that moment of holiness, there is a stark contrast between the beauty before me and the wretchedness of the life behind me.

this is an important side note - i'm not one who believes that we are sinners, saved by grace. we WERE sinners, but NOW we are saints, and we all still struggle with some type of sin, and therefore all still on a life-long journey of sanctification... and i truly believe that this journey is intended to be a grand adventure, designed by a loving, powerful, masterfully creative and hilarious God.

honestly, the word "sin" doesn't enter my mind very often. i lead a fairly simple life, committed to Jesus and His call for His bride to be pure and holy, ready for His return. i struggle to think of any sin issues that are glaringly in the way of my present pursuit of life with Him. i think this is why this particular podcast caught me off guard, in a good way. it forced me to think about some things that He's been bringing up lately, and to think about them in a new and holy light.

since my arrival here, i've had a perspective on my past that is new and different and astonishing. i've seen glimpses of my past - times of utter rebellion and consuming selfishness - that i've not thought about in a very, very long time. i guess it took so many years to work through some of the trauma and grief in my life that needed holy emergency room, ICU healing BEFORE i could look back to realize how far He had to reach to pluck me out of the muck and mire of my life... my early choices made without the benefit of wisdom or Godly counsel. drugs, sex, self-worship... i have been astounded by what i've remembered while up here in the hills, and i am shocked by what i remember. i am shocked that He loved me, that He was in constant pursuit of me, even in the depths of my deepest, darkest, most shameful hours.

i know that every sin - then, now, and evermore - has been atoned for by the Blood of the Lamb. i am covered by His blood, and God sees me through the righteousness of Christ applied to my life. i am a new creation, with a heart of flesh, and indwelled by the Holy Spirit. i am a daughter of the King, a co-heir with Christ, whose worth is bestowed by the only One able to do so. my life is defined by who i am becoming, NOT by who i was. i HATE the idiom that says we are defined by the life we've lived. AS CHRISTIANS, NO WE ARE NOT, DAMMIT. we are defined by Whose we are, and who we are becoming in Him. as far as i'm concerned, it's a slap in the face of Jesus to deny the work He's accomplished in our lives by identifying ourselves with our pasts, not our present and eternal future with Him as His bride.

so when i listened to this podcast today, these glimpses of my past - full of sin and rebellion and blatant defiance of Him - came back to mind, i tried to understand what He's up to with bringing all this back up. my mind keeps circling around these thoughts: He is good. i've spent the better part of my young life flipping Him the bird and laughing about it as i went on my merry way. He loves me, then, now, always. His ways are higher than mine, and His thoughts are higher than mine. He loves me with an abandon and an intentional vulnerability that astonishes me, and is engaged in a determined pursuit that brings me to holy tears. 

i see the bleakness of my past. i relish in the beauty of redemption. i am undone by His grace, and i see more clearly now the stark contrast of my past, the holy rescue, the present journey, and eternal glory. if anything, i love Him more this night than ever.

i find myself very grateful. astonished. loved. undone. i see a stark contrast between my life before Him and my life now. i am incredibly grateful for the honest and balanced teaching I've sat under at the ring community church. i am deeply aware of my need for the people He's placed in my life - heart friends who know all of me and love me - not despite of me - but because of who i am becoming as i pursue life with Him. the wild and flippant rebel has become aware of a life worth living, a glory bestowed, a ferocious heart tempered by grace, humility, suffering, brokenness, and transformed into something beautiful... HIS.

celebrate

in my family, over the past 20 or so years, there's been a slow erosion of life, like a deep gasping moan of someone struggling for the very breath of life. it's an erosion so insidious that it's presence was barely perceptible, but this weekend, it's been exposed for the theft that it is... the Bible says that the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. i get that. or at least i have a pretty good understanding that we have an enemy, that he hates us, and that he will seize every opportunity to destroy life, any movement toward God and away from death. i don't think i had a full grasp of the "theft" part of that verse; it came to glaring light over this weekend.

apathy is a terrible thing. the results of apathy are equally as terrible. within families, when someone (or everyone) just lets things slide, something precious is lost. many precious things are lost: tradition, celebration, affirmation, acknowledgement, encouragement... the bindings of family are LOST. 

it started with birthdays in my family. when dad was lost at sea, i reported him missing on mom's birthday. the next birthday was his, and there was no celebrating that. then my sister's, and then mine, and then the kids, and all of a sudden, birthdays just didn't matter anymore. at first, it was a product of grief. but over the years it became a slow, malingering decline of the heart that invaded every aspect of who we are as a family.

the next to go were the lesser holidays. valentine's, carnival, memorial day, independence day, labor day, halloween, even the arrival of autumn... these days became just like any other day on the calendar, with not even a family dinner or phone call or text message. nothing. these holidays, which used to be so full of life and fun have faded into nothingness. such a terrible loss.

and then came the big ones - christmas and easter. we kinda sorta still make a token effort to celebrate these, well, because that's what christian families do. but even these efforts were nothing more than a home-cooked meal and football or baseball, and then everyone went back to their homes, safe from any more attempts at mustering any joy at these occasions. or connection. or laughter.

tears prick my eyes as i type, as the full weight of understanding what we've lost over the years really sinks into my heart... but this is a tale of joy. as tolkien said, you must go through the darkness to emerge into the light.

the family i am staying with is committed to living intentionally in every aspect of their lives. i can remember even within the history of this blog where i made every effort to do the same. even so, the effort and intentionality was concerned with my own life, not the life of my family. how sad to be so self-involved and so willing to let all that tradition and love and life just slip away. not that it was my job, per se, to rally the troops for every occasion under the sun, but in my quest for life and love, i left something very precious behind. i let the traditions fade into memory. i allowed that to happen. so did the other members of my family. we are apathetic, and it destroyed much of what binds a family together.

back to the present tale: my birthday was a couple of days ago, and MUCH to my chagrin, heather insisted on celebrating. to me, this meant an obligatory cake and maybe a dinner. oh no, friends. not heather. she whisked me out of the house for coffee and conversation over breakfast at a little coffee house within walking distance in this little town nestled in the rocky mountains. from there, we walked to a beautiful little shop run by a sweet lady who sells stuff made by women who have been rescued from sex trafficking. after much laughter and rejoicing for these women's rescue, we walked back to the house and heather made me lunch. when questioned about what i wanted for dinner, i hemmed and hawed, not wanting to put her to any more trouble. pressed for an answer, i finally said, "IF i were at home, and IF you were my mom, i MIGHT ask you to make homemade fried chicken. or pasta. but you're NOT my mom and i don't want to be any trouble, so just make dinner for your family and i will enjoy that with you. that's more than enough for me." what a pathetic answer, and heather was having none of it. she let me demur, and said nothing. eventually, she went out with the kids and i was left alone to nap in the sunshine, take a warm bath, and move on into my bedroom for a real nap. i woke up in time to take a few calls from friends, and then (tried) to attend a family meeting at my church via speaker phone. it was an epic fail, but just hearing the distorted voices and laughter of so many people i love in one room, even over a terrible phone connection, was so good for my soul. when i emerged from my room, i walked straight into - you guessed it, the smell of fried chicken. AND goat cheese pasta. seriously?

but does the tale stop here? hardly. next up was heather's traditional birthday cake, made in my honor - a poppy seed cake, which was delicious. but that's not all. she has 3 wonderful kids, and they, one by one, presented me with hand-drawn cards and gifts. first was chocolate from the 6-year old boy (i am understating this - it was ghirardelli dark and sea salt caramel squares). next was lip balm and gum from the 9-year old girl, which made me laugh. and then i was presented with a hand-written card from the oldest boy, who is 10. he gave me a $10 bill to buy the worship cd that goes along with the book, becoming myself. such specificity and thoughtful selflessness from one so young... to which the youngest boy immediately ran to his wallet and presented me with $5 more to add to the offering. under much duress and after much protestation, i finally accepted (sorta) gracefully. and then it was heather's turn. she gave me a sweet card and a framed picture of us from the weekend we met, last march when we served together on the work crew at a captivating retreat here in colorado. reminders of life and love and joy. as if all this weren't enough to make my heart burst, the joy of the day was punctuated by texts and calls all day from friends and loved ones who wanted to make sure that i knew i was loved and missed. i even got a text from my mom, which is funny and sad - ironic - all at the same time. i went to bed with my heart just aching, bittersweet as these thoughts i am now typing were forming, and feeling well-loved, all at the same time.

and the tale does not stop there. the next day was spent much like the day before, with much intentionality and prayer and STEAK. and GIRLS NIGHT. ezra, heather's husband, grilled us steak, and then he and jake (another of the amazing husbands here) gathered all the kids - 8 in total, i believe - sent us to stacey's house for a girls night to celebrate all the february birthdays. 7 of us settled in over lemon drops and sangria, and had a spectacular night of laughter and deep connection, love and joy - a true celebration of life, and all that Jesus is doing in our lives. there might have even been a bit of 4-wheeling up the driveway, which happened to be uphill covered in show and ice...

and the tale does not stop there. today, we continued with the napping and the baking and the celebrating. my room is filled with flowers - roses, hyacinth, lilies, and a tiny cactus. i went running, and the mountains were covered in a frozen fog, even as i ran in 45 degrees, the wind whipping me breathless as i conquered the hills. i felt so alive my blood was positively zinging through my veins!

and so i sit here tonight, having retired to my room early, to give heather and ezra some time to themselves. i am equal parts sad, joyous, and deeply convicted of what i've allowed the enemy to steal from my family. to give up, to lose hope, is to lose EVERYTHING that makes a family thrive and bind together. ahhh... there are so many thoughts stirring, so many rabbits i could chase on losing hope, letting tradition die... but those are thoughts for another night. this night, i am loved. i am renewed. i am full of wonder and hope and joy.

tonight, on this birthday night of my church, my fervent prayer is that we, as a church family, never lose hope, never let go of meaningful tradition, never stop reveling in what the Lord is doing in our lives, never stop living with intentionality and love and joy... that we would never stop celebrating the faithfulness of our God, His lavish and extravagant love, His boundless grace, and His relentless pursuit of redemption, restoration, trust and love. He won't have it any other way - He insists we rejoice and be glad!

i think He may be onto something...

happy birthday to everyone who calls the ring community church family. you are much loved.

flatlander

[author's note - i have recently relocated to the front range of the colorado rocky mountains. here, i am known as a flatlander, since i am new to life at altitude, hence the name of this post.]

these days, i find myself ensconced in the home of my friend, heather, and her lovely family in colorado. this is amazing on many, many levels, to be sure, and i find myself wanting to record how drastically not just my life has changed, but also about how the details of my life have changed. for example...

BATHING/GROOMING/HYGIENE/PERSONAL CARE - this must be the place i start, as obscure as this topic may seem at first blush:

• there are no HEATERS in ANY colorado bathroom i've ever encountered. home designers, this is directed at you. what gives? who designs a home with bathrooms that are not heated, are situated against an outside wall, and said wall lacks extra insulation? BRRRR. on the upside, my yoga practice is going to be vastly improved, as my balancing skills are put to use every time i set foot in the tub.
• this deserves further elaboration, specifically bath versus shower:
• BATHING - STOP. DO NOT ENTER. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SETTING FOOT IN THE TUB WITHOUT FIRST TURNING ON THE WATER FULL HOT. resist the temptation to cool the faucet water down. trust me on this. the water will cool rapidly due to the exterior wall and lack of heater... and your own freezing cold body in desperate need of warmth. to this end, it will behoove you to delay disrobing until your bath is fully drawn.
• SHOWERING (women, this is for you, well, because men, this would just be weird - unless you're an athlete - then by all means, proceed!) - when shaving while standing, balance on one leg and raise the other to the wall in front of you. balance only on one leg and one toe pressed against the wall. this way, you minimize contact of body parts on any surface. yogis, rejoice.
• BATHING PRODUCTS - body wash, at elevation, does not foam well or for any decent length of time. anticipate using twice as much of any product (see exception below). i suspect the same goes for shaving cream, although no woman in this household uses it. my semi-educated guess as to the reason for this phenomena is lack of available oxygen in the air (we currently reside at 7300 feet of altitude).
• MOUTH WASH - this is apparently the exception to the body products rule. mouth wash foams at an alarming rate, and if you are not prepared to spit, you will end up with cheeks like a chipmunk and mouthwash spurting out at an alarming velocity. practical tip - use 1/2 your normal amount and rinse twice. my hygienist friends will appreciate this advice.
• LIQUIDS - in general, anything that does not exist in a solid state is going to explode at some point if you don't properly prepare prior to your arrival. ziploc baggies are your friends. use them copiously. double-bag EVERYTHING if you are ascending over 5000 feet. also of note, if you loosen the caps on items, you will minimize the explosion and thus loss of product. or better yet, if you are traveling to altitude for a short time, wait until you get to your destination and buy your toiletries there. this may seem wasteful at first, but especially with toiletries, why risk having them thrown away at the airport for being too large or worse, having to clean up the explosion once you've arrived?
• SALINE NASAL SPRAY - if you are hailing from a humid climate, saline nasal spray will be your best friend... that and your LIP BALM with SPF of at least 15 and KLEENEX. consider these three items the holy trinity for traveling to altitude. bring or buy copious amounts of these items and keep them with you at ALL TIMES. miss one day and your lips and skin will severely reprimand you.
• SUNSCREEN and SUNGLASSES - these really should be part of the holy trinity of which i just wrote, but that just screws up the metaphor. you are at least a mile and perhaps 2.5 miles above sea level, which means you are that much closer to the sun. you will burn here any time of year, as the summers are very hot and the winters typically include snow, which reflects sunlight onto your skin and eyes. don't spoil your trip the very first day by blistering your eyes, lips, and skin in the sun.
• WATER BOTTLES - hydrate hydrate hydrate. you cannot drink too much water here. oh, and do the earth a favor and buy ONE nalgene or "reusable" bottle. despite what my friend heather says, buying 15 nalgenes to color-coordinate with your outfits is not an excuse for said bottles eventually ending up in a landfill FOREVER. seriously - this stuff actually does not decay over time - unless we are thinking in geologic time. then yes, they will eventually degrade, in oh, about 60,000,000 years. ok, end of earth stewardship lecture.
• STATIC ELECTRICITY - it's here. it doesn't go away. be kind and discharge your built up static electricity onto a metal object before you touch a person. or an animal. or any living thing. be kind. ESPECIALLY at a gas station.

dinner is ready and i am starving, having spent all day yesterday throwing up... but that's a different story for another time. of note, it's currently 1.2 degrees with blowing snow... the windows have fogged up so the view of the snow is obscured. i'm adapting surprisingly well for someone who despises being cold. it's amazing what God can do when He calls you follow Him...

soli Deo gloria. much love, friends.