reflection, part 1

i've been trying to wrap my head around what's happening in our country, and i'm having a really hard time… which is weird, because i am normally very confident about what i believe and am not threatened in any way when others believe differently. and when i have been wrong, i happily and humbly changed what or how i believe according to newly discovered truth. perhaps this is the crux of my discomfort tonight; i have seen a new truth, and i cannot happily nor humbly accept it as truth.

maybe it's not that others believe differently but rather that other people i KNOW, LOVE, and RESPECT believe so very differently on a very fundamental level about who we are as humans, as friends, as christians, as americans, as global citizens… and how this DISSONANCE affects all of these aspects of our personal and national CHARACTER.

here are some of the thoughts i've been struggling with, in no particular order. feel free to comment - my purpose here is to allow my thoughts to become more coherent, thus more articulate, thus more relevant. remember, though, that this is a space for honest reflection and as such, i will guard it diligently against any form of hatred, bullying, or spite. and remember, i do this as much out of love for you as i do for the other commenters who are looking for a safe place to wander through this new world in which we find ourselves. you are loved.

division - i may have only spent 43 years on this earth, but i cannot recall a time when our country has been so divided. the most recent i can call to mind is the civil rights movement in the 1960's, but i wasn't around for that. over the past year, the past week, and especially the past five days, i've borne witness to such radically opposing views that families, friends, communities, political parties, and global allies have been strained to the breaking point and/or beyond. how can we "make america great again"* when there exists so much division that there are nightly protests AFTER the election is over? as an american, i'm so ashamed.

*i ABHOR this slogan, statement, thought. i use it here only emphatically.

fear - i have people in my life whom i love, respect, admire, and even revere who are living in fear in the aftermath of this week. the message, as far as i can discern, is that they feel unloved, unaccepted, disrespected, abhorred, and abandoned. these people cross all genders, sexual identities, races, religions, nationalities, worldview, lifestyles, education, and life experience. I LOVE THESE PEOPLE… and we now find ourselves living in a country who, quite frankly, has said that she doesn't give a COLLECTIVE SHIT about how some of our citizens' lives have quite literally turned on a dime… or a vote, as it were. we have allowed a climate of fear to permeate our country. since when are we ok with this? as an american, i'm so ashamed.

rationalization - i have a remarkable number - perhaps even disproportionally so - of friends who are HIGHLY educated and/or successful in their careers. i RESPECT their opinions and contributions to the conversation… until contribution becomes rhetoric. and then i begin to wonder who they are trying to convince - me or themselves? the die is cast - why are they still arguing their point? as an american, i'm so ashamed.

faith - this one hits a very tender part of my heart. i consider myself a faithful person. i even go so far as to claim the name christian. but it has become apparent to me that my personal theology is quite different from people with whom i have worshipped, served, cried, rejoiced, and lived A LOT of life alongside. at the core, i believe my heart is pointed toward love. and i believe that these people would say the same thing about themselves. but this cannot be, as the way we show God's love to the world is diametrically opposed. i cannot get my heart around this thought. and it has shaken me to the core. as an american, i'm so ashamed.

national identity - remember when the cubbies won the world series? can you believe that was only LAST WEEK? remember when your social media feeds and televisions were bursting with images of unity, celebration - hope? how can that be so fleeting? so tenuous? even something as catastrophic as 9/11 unified us as a country for a finite amount of time, and then something else happened, and off we were again, infighting about something. why? are our memories so short and fallible? one of my favorite lines in all of tv history is, "short memories. that is the impression i have of you as a people," said by a terrorist to a federal agent (NCIS, truth or consequences, S07E01). as an american, i'm so ashamed.

dignity - so many rabbits to chase here, but the one i've been chasing the most is trying to wrap my mind around this man's picture going up on the wall in THE white house, alongside washington, lincoln, kennedy, roosevelt… etc etc, et al. HOW CAN THIS BE REAL? how? why? how? as an american, i'm so ashamed.

i spoke to a friend yesterday. i have not actually laid eyes on this person since 2008, but i still hold them in the HIGHEST regard. some friendships, if we are very lucky, are forged in love and fire so that they thrive without the benefit of proximal geography. this person also happens to be one of the most influential people in my life, and i'm honored and humbled to call them friend. and this friend is scared. because they are gay. and getting married. this fiercely loving, smart as all hell, funny, gregarious, carpe diem friend is, for the first time in memory, AFRAID to be themselves in today's america. as an american, i'm so ashamed.

permission - i think this man won IN PART because he allowed himself to voice the unspoken, likely deeply repressed, deepest, darkest, most base aspect of humanity: he allows hate to be openly expressed. and in return, an enormous amount of people breathed a huge, collective sigh of relief and allowed their hate to surface, too. bigotry, racism, religious persecution, intolerance. as an american, i'm so ashamed.

might - americans, in general, are proud of our military might. we are certainly proud of our military friends and families, of everyone who puts on the uniform and steps up to protect our rights… even the right to vote. i PROUDLY stand in the midst of these thankful americans. where my heart skips SEVERAL beats is at the thought of putting our soldiers - our sons and daughters - at unnecessary risk because we value the world's perception of us as the mightiest military the wold has ever known. the world USED to think that about us, and the events (mostly terrorist attacks, i think) of the past few decades have seeped into our collective consciousness and we've realized that the perception has degraded over time. in response, we want to be feared again. well… if we desire to be feared, is that not because we fear? and what about nukes and torture and alienating our allies? how can we put these things back on the table and NOT expect our soldiers (and our citizens around the world) to be treated with the same tactics? are we so naive as to believe that once we openly allow torture (sorry - is that not the correct term? is it now "enhanced interrogation"?) and nuclear "re-armament" to be part of our arsenal that those SAME tools won't be used AGAINST us? as an american, i am so ashamed.

regression - we have fought valiantly to become a people who value progress, acceptance, and the continuous journey toward knowledge above just about all else. we say we value family, freedom, and the pursuit of liberty. really? is this really what we value? sadly, i think the results of this election prove just the opposite. we have allowed centuries of forging our identity as THE GLOBAL IDEAL FOR LIFE AND GOVERNMENT to be MUTED. as an american, i'm so ashamed.

unapologetic - my heart is heavy this night. i will not offer meaningless platitudes; nor will i offer apologies for voicing these thoughts. my heart is crushed, and i am surrounded by darkness as the protests continue and the reality of the next four years sinks into my soul. i was going to write, "my God have mercy on us all" as a sarcastic quip to end this post. but, honestly... right now, i think He left america to fend for ourselves a really, really long time ago. He gave us the gift of free will, and we've chosen what that looks like, and how that defines us, at least for the foreseeable future. the Kingdom is not at risk, but we, as a nation, certainly are. as an american, i am so ashamed.

as an american, i'm so ashamed.

{these thoughts are raw and mostly unfiltered. and INCOMPLETE. there's just too much churning inside to get it all out in one post. another great line comes to mind: "with hope. love should end with hope… hope guides me. it is what gets me through the day and especially the night. the hope that after you're gone from my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you,"" (kate, a knight's tale, 2001). i realize that many of you will VEHEMENTLY and perhaps VIOLENTLY disagree with me. i recognize the risk i'm taking by making these very private musings public. i believe it's a discussion worth having and therefore a risk i am WILLING to take. remember… you are loved.}

#america #election #protests #USelection #election2016 #USA

#GISHWHES #2016 #globalforest

an open letter to anyone who knows anything about the travis aaron wade debacle

ok. i think it's time for someone unbiased to speak up. in the absence of that, i will speak up. i have not formed an opinion, so i'm not on anyone's "side." i'm just tired of seeing this whole train wreck go unanswered by someone without a dog in this fight, so i will be that someone, because i have a voice too… and it needs to be heard.

first things first: i was a victim of rape. multiple times. i use the word "was" because i choose not to be a victim anymore. what was done TO me does not and never will define who i am or who i am becoming. i disclose this very personal information simply to say that i am not without empathy for anyone involved. and yes, i realize that rape is NOT the allegation here, and there is NO INTENTION to suggest that it is. it's brought up merely to establish empathetic credibility for those coming forward with allegations of inappropriate behavior by TAW.

i've been watching this unfold for a while now, and what strikes me very deeply is the naïveté of some of the people involved. it is unfathomable to me that anyone can live in a world of digital access to almost everyone on the planet and still not to know the following:

~ giving your phone number to ANYONE you don't personally know is at best UNSAFE. you also have the ability to BLOCK anyone who calls you, should you make a decision to give out your personal information and decide later that it was an unwise one. and while on the subject of phones, most have a screen capture ability. on an iPhone, press the home and power button at the same time to capture a SCREENSHOT. android peeps, look it up. it's useful technology. use the tools available to you. and one more thought - phone calls can be RECORDED. by both sides. tread carefully here, all of you.

{*EDIT #1: regarding DM's - a reader has pointed out that some applications allow you to receive DM's from anyone. this is exceptionally good news, because it offers yet another layer of protection against harassment on twitter. depending on what app you use to access twitter, it may look differently, but you have the ability to change this setting at any time.}

~ you cannot receive DM's on twitter from just anyone.* you HAVE to actually *follow each other* to DM. how this has escaped notice is beyond my comprehension. here is an example of an account i follow that follows me back:

and here is an example of an account i follow that does not follow me back:

~ you have the ability to UNFOLLOW, BLOCK, and REPORT ANYONE you want to in the twittersphere AND just about every other social media platform out there. use that ability. 

~ ridiculing people for speaking up for what or who they believe in is shameful and YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER. if you didn't know that, now you do. that goes to EVERYONE who does have a dog on either side of this fight.

~ trying to ruin someone's life and livelihood is a big deal. a VERY BIG DEAL. proceed with caution and much deliberation. 

~in the same vein, acting inappropriately, especially in a sexually suggestive manner toward any unwilling recipient, is a big deal. a VERY BIG DEAL. this type of behavior is inexcusable and IF APPLICABLE, you should cease and desist IMMEDIATELY. 

~ we have professionals trained to handle allegations like this. they are law enforcement officers trained as detectives, and they are employed by YOU and their salaries are paid for by YOUR taxes. it's THEIR JOB to find the truth and act within the law to ensure that JUSTICE prevails. up to this point, there has been no legal action against TAW regarding any of this that i am aware of. again, i'm NOT calling anyone liars here. i'm just pointing out that there is a RIGHT WAY to handle this. it's been handled incorrectly long enough.

it seems to me, based on what i've read about this entire situation, that there has been a decided lack of wisdom displayed by many involved, even marginally so, on both sides. worse, i see people living in what they call "fear." "fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil." ~aristotle fact: living in fear is a CHOICE. choose NOT to live there. it's a sucky place to dwell.

to the ones speaking out against TAW: you have a voice. you're using it. make sure you use it for good. 

to the defenders of the ones speaking against TAW: you also have a voice. make sure you use it for good. 

to the defenders of TAW: you also have a voice. make sure you use it for good. 

to those who can't or won't speak up: you also have a voice. silence is a viable option, and sometimes a very good one. 

to my SPN family: we are better than this. we are better as one. family don't end with blood, and this will not either. we are the ones who believe whole-heartedly that we must #alwayskeepfighting and that #youarenotalone, we are the #waywarddaughters and we should not be trying to shame each other, nor should we be afraid to speak up on either side of this. we are family. period. (disclaimer: the use of the hashtags in this paragraph IN NO WAY suggests or even hints that anyone connected with these campaigns shares my thoughts. they are brought up to remind us of the reality in which we dwell.)

to anyone ready to burn TAW at the stake: i encourage you to re-read this and use your mind and your reason to make your decision, not your emotions. they ARE NOT the same things. i'm not saying you are right, nor am i saying you're wrong. there is not a hint of disbelief here. HEAR ME ON THIS: I AM NOT CALLING ANYONE LIARS. i'm merely urging cautious deliberation before action, and encouraging you to involve the ones who can really help you - the authorities.

to everyone ready to burn me at the stake: i've been subject to the wrong end of the gun in a situation where someone decided they wanted to ruin me, both personally and professionally, so my voice and my experience lead me to this unfortunate moral position: to open my digital mouth to speak up. i have already lost people i consider friends to this particular situation. i know this letter to will cost me more.

at the end of the day, i have to look in the mirror and be able to live with my choices. i choose to speak into a situation to offer perspective and reason. if i've failed in that quest, then i have to live with that, too... and I'm ok with that. i've used my voice for good, and that's what i'm urging EACH ONE OF US to do.

i choose to live a life of peace and hope, not fear, anger, and vengeance. i hope you choose the same and move forward accordingly... wherever that choice brings you. grace and peace to you all.

you are loved. 

ag

ps - to those who choose to agree with me, please DO NOT try to drag me into this fight. you will not succeed. if you do happen to agree with me, the best thing you can do is RT and/or share. i also have the ability to unfollow and block, and i use them on a regular basis.

pps - feel free to comment below. know beforehand that any hate directed toward anyone will be deleted as soon as i see it. i've even enabled the ability to comment anonymously, given the very delicate nature of this situation. i've also unlocked this account so that anyone can read and comment.

ppps - i have not written in 2 years, so if i have not addressed something that's important to you, by all means, let's discuss it. as adults. respectfully. refer to my first post-script for reminder/reference.

pppps - you are loved.