day 14 - empowered

I’m walking through a pretty tough season right now, and I’ve never been more confused or at odds Spiritually in my life... well, almost. I came as close to my head exploding as I’ve ever come in Sunday School this morning. I had several people, ALL of whom I love, respect and trust implicitly, give me conflicting “advice” about this situation and I about lost my mind. They did not intend to cause such anxiety – most of it was banter – but this is so important to me that I’m hyper-sensitive to what they were saying – and I was almost in tears, although they won’t know that until they read this.

Jesus told me this would be Him and me, and I should have known better than to ever bring it up, but I was desperate. I guess I should fill in a little detail so that this makes any kind of sense at all. I hate even writing about this. The anxiety level is still way high, even though He is slowly sorting everything out…

Before I moved to my current home, I was living with my sister. Long story short, I moved to Texas after my divorce and was called home out of an ungodly relationship into Life. I moved home and lived with my sister and her children. I lived there 13 months, and when she and her husband decided to save their marriage, it was time for me to go. If there is one thing I fear, it is stepping even slightly outside of His will for my life. I know what it’s like outside that “ring” and it sucks. I NEVER want to be there again… which explains my current anxiety, but I’m getting ahead of the story.

I was beside myself – everywhere I looked did not work out for one reason or another. My brother-in-law was ready to move back home and I had to get out. One morning, I made coffee and went outside and sat on the porch, and refused to pray. I needed to hear from Him, and I was not going to tell Him for the 586,926th time that I needed a place to live. He knew, and I needed to hear, so I shut up, for once, and listened. I had been praying for closed doors – desperate for His will and not mine. He told me that I had been asking Him to close doors. Then He asked me a question. He asked me if I had ever bothered to ask Him to open any… I didn’t answer – I didn’t say a word – I got up, got dressed, drove here “on accident” (I had no clue this place existed) and as soon as my foot hit the ground when I got out of the truck, I knew I was home. I had no idea what the apartments looked like, much less how much they cost – I only knew I was home, and that I would be here for 2 years.

Which leads me to my current dilemma… said time period is up and I cannot hear Him. I don’t want to go the legalistic route – this is what He said and I’m sticking to it, no matter what – nor will I make a decision without hearing from Him – clearly hearing from Him… and I’m not hearing much. No peace, no dialogue, not much of anything but anxiety and fear – both of which I know are not from Him, and I know He hates that I’m doing this to myself.

I know this is a leap of faith and it’s draining me. I know in the end all will be well and He will prove Himself faithful once again… but in the meantime, this is a very bad time for me. He’s showing me little by little what He wants from me, but I find myself even doubting the little bit that He has shown me… I want so desperately only His best for my life, and I know that He is pleased by that sincere desire. I think my biggest hang-up is that I am afraid that I am subconsciously finding a solution because I have not heard from Him, and that thought terrifies me. Fear is the running theme here and I recognize that. I know His Word says that He has not given us a Spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7). I know this to be true, but applying that Truth is an altogether different thing.

The Scripture for today is Acts 5:12-16 - 12The apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders among the people. And all the believers used to meet together in Solomon's Colonnade. 13No one else dared join them, even though they were highly regarded by the people. 14Nevertheless, more and more men and women believed in the Lord and were added to their number. 15As a result, people brought the sick into the streets and laid them on beds and mats so that at least Peter's shadow might fall on some of them as he passed by. 16Crowds gathered also from the towns around Jerusalem, bringing their sick and those tormented by evil[a] spirits, and all of them were healed.

I have a couple of thoughts that tie this passage into the situation I’m in right now. I believe that fear is a spiritual disease – it is not of God. I’m in a battle and I can’t fight for myself. But I can let Him fight for me. The second thing is that these people had faith that even the SHADOW of Peter falling on them would heal them. That’s amazing, outrageous faith. As Josh points out in today’s discussion in the 30 days, He is from everlasting to everlasting. The church is as empowered today as it was back then. His Spirit is ready, His heart is willing, He is able… why is that so dang hard to apply to this situation?

Lord, please, I beg You to remove me and the fear that surrounds me. I need Youdesperately. Please forgive my lack of faith - please make Your wll for my life clear so that I may follow readily. I am only but waiting for Your direction - the next marching order. Father, please. I love You, I praise You, and I ask these things in the name of Jesus Christ. AMEN