day 25 - contrition

When I said, a couple of posts back, that YHWH put me in my place, I meant it. I told Josh the other day that if I ever had any doubt as to the veracity or authenticity of my faith, of my salvation, or of my relationship with the Father, they have been stripped away. I am laid bare before Him, broken and contrite. As David writes, “Serve the LORD with fear and rejoice with trembling. 12 Kiss the Son, lest he be angry and you be destroyed in your way, for his wrath can flare up in a moment. Blessed are all who take refuge in him.” (Psalm 2:11-12)

The conversation went something like this:

God: OK, little bold one. Child of Mine. Reign it in. We’re doing this My way.
Me: Father, please. I’ve accepted Your will – your answer is no. Have mercy on my family. Take him quickly. Please.
God: [Silence]
Me: Father, please. Have mercy. (tears begin as I weep before Him)
God: [Silence]
Me: Mercy, Father. Mercy. Please.
God: [Silence]
Me: Father… (sound of breaking heart) Your will. Your will be done, now and always.
God: Good. Now We’re getting somewhere. Stand up, daughter.

Yeah, it sucked for me, too… and this is the abbreviated version. It seemed like such an inappropriate time for Him to reveal that side of Himself. But I’ve walked with Him long enough to know that He does everything for a reason. I went there to pray for healing. I prayed specifically for healing - to intercede for Bill’s life. I know now I was interceding for his soul.

Since I’ve been home, He won’t let me pick up a book on intercession. He won’t let me pray in my Bible studies. We’re doing it His way. He’s chosen to teach me Himself how He wants me to intercede for others. Which, in the grand scheme of things, is awesome and humbling. Right now, He’s walking me through some missteps I’ve taken along the way. He’s assured me that He’s going to fix everything - every stupid, overly-bold thing I’ve said and done - but I get to get heart-checked along the way.

Gretzky-style.

I read David’s words differently now.

Psalm 51

1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts [a] ;
you teach [b] me wisdom in the inmost place.
7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 The sacrifices of God are [c] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

Psalm 63

1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
6 On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
7 Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.

So far, the countdown posts have been seemingly self-focused, but He manages to tie them in beautifully with the 30 days. This post is about contrition – about confession – and about prayer. And it’s about selflessness. Along this back-track, He pointed out a post that, although intended to be a first-line defense – a bold stance against the enemy – managed to be an arrogant line drawn in the sand – one He did not tell me to draw, and one that may have brought more misery than necessary on this Body that I so dearly love. The text for today is Luke 5:17-26:

17One day as he was teaching, Pharisees and teachers of the law, who had come from every village of Galilee and from Judea and Jerusalem, were sitting there. And the power of the Lord was present for him to heal the sick. 18Some men came carrying a paralytic on a mat and tried to take him into the house to lay him before Jesus. 19When they could not find a way to do this because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and lowered him on his mat through the tiles into the middle of the crowd, right in front of Jesus.
20When Jesus saw their faith, he said, "Friend, your sins are forgiven."
21The Pharisees and the teachers of the law began thinking to themselves, "Who is this fellow who speaks blasphemy? Who can forgive sins but God alone?"
22Jesus knew what they were thinking and asked, "Why are you thinking these things in your hearts? 23Which is easier: to say, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up and walk'? 24But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins...." He said to the paralyzed man, "I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home." 25Immediately he stood up in front of them, took what he had been lying on and went home praising God. 26Everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. They were filled with awe and said, "We have seen remarkable things today."

One of the points made by Luke in this passage is that the paralytic’s friends put his needs before their own. They went to great lengths to see him healed. They were selfless. This post is selfless in the sense that I know I have to confess my stupidity, ask and receive His forgiveness, and He’s been very clear that I’m to do it corporately. Let me be clear – I am not cowering in defeat before the enemy, nor am I arrogantly assuming that all the spiritual warfare going on is because of me. I am humbling myself before my church, asking for their grace, and preparing to stand alongside them once more, fighting this time with Him in the lead.

Psalm 45:

3 Gird your sword upon your side, O mighty one;
clothe yourself with splendor and majesty.
4 In your majesty ride forth victoriously
in behalf of truth, humility and righteousness;
let your right hand display awesome deeds.

Your will, Father, now and always.