day 1 - VICTORY!

Katie and I have been trying to work through some of the continuing battles that are tearing me up and wearing me down. The other day, we were talking about leadership, specifically about my hang-up that I have not been “chosen” for any type of leadership role in the Ring, or a hands-on managerial role at work, and how the “intimidation” observations exacerbate that particular struggle exponentially.

It was my stance that if people see me as intimidating, then I cannot possibly be the leader that I believe in my heart that I am called to be. Katie, being the encouraging one in this household, pointed out several lives and several situations where people see me or have come to me in a “leader” capacity. True enough, so why is this such an ongoing struggle?

We also talked about leaders that we know, and discussed the qualities that make them leaders. She made the observation that Josh NEVER says anything negative about anyone. You’ll never hear him tear someone down. He builds people up by saying good things about them to others. This gains the respect of the one being spoken to, and the one being spoken about. There’s something very encouraging and reassuring to our hearts when we hear that someone has spoken kindly of us – especially when that person is someone whom we hold in high regard.

That was a very challenging and convicting observation. Not to say that I stand around bashing people – far from it – but even the occasional indulging of an unkind observation makes me at best malicious, and at worst guilty of judgment. Ouch. Forgive me, Lord.

The Scripture for today is 1 Peter 2:-3 –

1Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. 2Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, 3now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.

I have to be honest. This morning, I was out. I was done with the Ring. I was convinced that, after 3 years, if I still have not formed any type of meaningful relationship with more than 5 people that I see EVERY Sunday, then really, who am I kidding? If I am supposed to be at the Ring, then these relationships would have formed already, at least to some degree, right? Katie is one of those who hurts when you hurt, and we were both in tears. Lately, I wake up every morning, questioning everything, stressed beyond belief and to the point of total breakdown. In Him is peace, outside of Him is chaos. I AM chaos and I MUST find a way out. He is the Way out. I just can’t seem to find the Door.

Even as I type these words, my Spirit just bowed up, battling in the spiritual realm for this ministry – for my friend. The duality is unexpected, but real none-the-less.

This forces me to think that my Spiritual and logical lives are out of whack. I’ve been in constant battle for weeks, even knowing that those I battle for are not aware of it and the part of me that craves recognition will never be satisfied. That’s perfectly consistent with the way I know Him to work – the Type A warrior with a need for recognition is gifted in a way that is hardly ever recognized. I wear myself to the bone, Spiritually-speaking, for people who will never know it, and I have to be content with knowing that He sees it – that this gift of intercession is not for me - and in fact, requires much more of me than anticipated. It requires a selflessness that is not mine. It requires discernment that is not mine. It requires immediate obedience that only comes from hearing His voice... and it requires a boldness that can be miscontrued as intimidating. He's working in me, bringing that boldness He created under His authority and submission. When that happens, this "intimidation" issue will be no more. Praise the Lord!

I hear His voice this night. It is done. The Ring Community Church is going to launch tomorrow - the battle has been well-fought by all. It’s a done deal. Victory is His, and all is well with my soul.

Currently, I’m in the midst of a battle – a battle for someone else instead of battling myself – exactly where I’m supposed to be, and I will keep fighting as long as He keeps calling me to do so. Occasionally, I ask Him to fight for me. It’s nice to sit back and watch Him fight, every now and then. But I can’t stand it for long – I have to jump back in with Him – it’s my job, it’s my gift, it’s my calling, it’s my role in the Body… and it’s my joy. It's who I am in Christ.

Psalm 45:3-4 - 3 Gird your sword upon your side, O mighty one;
clothe yourself with splendor and majesty.
4 In your majesty ride forth victoriously
in behalf of truth, humility and righteousness;
let your right hand display awesome deeds.

John 16:33 - 33"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Revelation 17:14 - "...14They will make war against the Lamb, but the Lamb will overcome them because he is Lord of lords and King of kings—and with him will be his called, chosen and faithful followers."