unexpected

so much for me trying to get my sleep schedule back to anything resembling "normal"... with the addition of the music player to this blog, i've been searching through all my old music to find songs that mean something to me so that i can share them with you. this morning, i was up past 4 am looking for one particular song. the name was eluding me, and that was driving me nuts... so, stubborn one that i am, i dug out some old cd's that i burned almost 5 years ago, to the day - i burned them right around the time my divorce was finalized.

i have never listened to them.

i know that's strange - but i knew when i burned them that my intent was not to listen to them, but rather to capture a season of my life so as not to lose it. i wanted to capture all of the emotion, pain, fear and loneliness of that time, even as i wanted a place where the good memories could remain, intact and unforgotten. the cd's are entitled, "heartbreak 1" and "heartbreak 2". going through them tonight, it's amazing how beautifully they reflect the end of a relationship, the end of that part of my life, and how they even manage to allow some of the good times to bring a smile to my face. even as my heart tugged, there were very few tears... i only actually cried when enya's "intro to watermark" came on - how random is that??? out of 40 songs ranging from clint black and keith whitley (yes, country - what else fits so well in this situation?), the calling to stp, rem to system of a down, godsmack to son volt, bad company to nirvana, alice in chains to pavarotti... the songs manage to capture all of the emotions, and, in some very strange way, to validate them. the pain was real, and even with the passing of time and the fading of those memories, it's strange to realize that i need those emotions to be valid and real.

huh. i never realized that i needed that until just now.

the lack of tears was unexpected and somehow reassuring. to find that i have reached a point where i can look back and smile, remember, and KNOW that part of my heart is healed... that's priceless. it was quite an experience to listen to the music, remember the pain, and it not be about my ex. it was rather surreal, now that i think back over it. the pain was dull and sharp, all at the same time, but it wasn't about him, it was about the death of the relationship. strange distinction, i know, but real all the same.

Jesus stepped into the darkness that still lurks deep in the recesses of my heart, and although He has already done so much, He continues His healing work - sometimes without me even realizing it. there are other wounds stemming from that time in my life that are yet to be addressed... but it seems as though He brought me there tonight just to show me how far He's taken me. i think He just offered me a gentle nudge of reassurance that He is continuing His work of changing and softening and reshaping my heart. that's so amazing to me... and so gracious of Him to go back to that place with me, especially because i didn't even know i needed to go back.

i've never been one to look back very often - i believe my life is about where i am going, not about where i've been. i do so every now and again here on this blog as a way to share my life with you, and as a way for me to go back and let Him finish anything left unattended after all this time. i think it's fair to say that i am not normally given to shying away from pain, conflict or struggle - and i think it's cool that He's pointed out that He was redeveloping and reshaping those qualities even back then. it's incredible to look back now and see His hand all over this life. i love how personal He is! speaking of - brian has a great post up right now about how personal Jesus is - not just Jesus Himself, but His message, His way - all of Him is just, well, intimately involved and intertwined in our lives, throughout our lives. nate also has a really good post that explores this... this... inward invasion of our hearts.

inward invasion - that's exactly right! Jesus stands, just here, waiting for us to ask Him in. once we do... watch out. He's up to more than just binding up the brokenhearted - He's here to stay, and His presence creates a longing, a yearning, for MORE - more healing, more love, more of our hearts given over to Him, day after day. in my experience, i couldn't just give Him my heart and all the brokenness there... at least, it wasn't a one-time deal. trusting Him as Savior is one thing - getting to know Him is quite another experience. we keep going back, going deeper. the whole point of intimacy is a complete and thorough knowledge of one another - reciprocity is the key that allows for relationship. the overflow of this relationship is love - love for God and love for man. those would be commandments 1 and 2, as it turns out. funny that, as that's where release for the prisoners (oppressed) begins, as well. (in case you're unfamiliar with the text, i'm referencing isaiah 61:1-2, which Jesus quoted in luke 4:18-19 when He revealed Himself as the Christ.)

i'm not sure how i progressed from looking for a song, to realizing that my pain was real and valid, to recognizing His inward invasion of my heart, and, from all this, to have arrived at the very basics of being a disciple of Christ - love. He's doing something pretty crazy in me. in the space of 12 or so hours (it's taken a while to get this post right), He's taken me from the death of a tangible relationship to the reality of life with Him.

from death to life... that's the beauty of the Gospel. it's the allure of the invitation to freedom and life... and the invitation to die, so that we may live - and that others may live, as well.