ruined, again

[many of the ideas here are not original thought - they are largely lessons learned from the team at ransomed heart, and from the ring, and things He's shown me along the way...]

Jesus ruined my life.

you know... the life i had all planned out growing up. not dreams, per se, but life according to ann. my plan. my life.

my life, huh? ummm... not so much - but i have a sneaking suspicion that He has so much more in store for this life than i've ever dared to imagine.

if my life had turned out as planned, let's look at what my life would look like today. (i'll keep it to adulthood, for the sake of readability) i got married at 22, and immediately started trying to have kids. i wanted 3-4 boys (NO girls!) and i was going to be finished having kids by age 30. i bought my first house at age 23, and planned to own my home outright by flipping homes 3 times. so by now, i would have been married 12 years, had 3-4 boys and been working on house number 3.

now, let's look at what my life actually looks like. i'm divorced. and single. no kids. no home. no job, for that matter.

now, it seems to me that when the Lord strips away EVERY aspect of your life, He has a damn good reason for doing so. circumstantially, from the outside looking in, my life is pretty scary to most people. in His eyes, it's EXACTLY what it's supposed to be... strange that He has taken so much time, involved so many people and has gone to so much trouble just for me. God doesn't strike me as One to jack around with His kids' lives just for the entertainment factor - although i have to admit to imagining Him getting a really good, deep-down belly laugh from my antics, shaking His head in wonder or bemusement every now and again.

He didn't just ruin my life. He ruined me. there's a couple of things i've learned about the Lord over the years. He's a REALLY BIG GOD. He is faithful, especially when we are not. you don't have the power to screw up His plans. you can choose to participate to the fullest, or stay in the margins. He is not safe. He's an insane risk-taker. He's incredibly vulnerable, with a quiet strength that just staggers me. He's wildly lavish, and decidedly jealous. He will break you to have you, and He will ruin your life. He is passionate in His pursuit of you, and will do anything to win your heart... which just happens to be the one thing He can't take from you.

when you really wrap your brain around Who He is (good luck with that), around His extravagant love for us... just a glimmer of that knowledge will absolutely ruin you. it will wipe away every preconceived notion of what life is supposed to look like, who you thought He was, what you thought the message of the Gospels is - all ruined, just like that. poof. and when you come face to face with your sulf-sufficient pride, arrogance - your humanity - sigh. and then He... He brings you fully into His heart, and you realize that there is more going on here than you dared to imagine. "i wonder what sort of tale we've fallen into?" sam wonders in the fellowship of the ring. yes, exactly.

following Jesus is not about behavior modification. it's not about being good or following the rules. it's not about duty or obligation or even sin (GASP)... and it's not about circumstances. following Jesus is about love. it's that simple, and that profound... and that beautiful.