unrequited

have you ever found yourself at a crossroad, only to discover that you've been there many times before? all the landmarks are the same. the choices are the same - which means you've chosen the same circuitous route the last time you were here. how do you get off the merry-go-round and jump into the fray? how do you choose correctly, so as not to end up here again?

two roads diverged in a wood, and i - i chose the one less traveled, as frost has it. that's all fine and well if life were really just about "choose path a" or "choose path b". however... nothing is as simple as we'd like it to be, nor as clear and certain. Jesus is the Way, but we, by far and large, get to write our own stories. as someone who has made a myriad of poor choices along the way, it's a little disheartening to realize that i can't just sit back and expect the Lord to live for me. He invites us to journey with Him, to step out onto God's stage, to play our role well, as dan allender puts it in to be told. my constant and agonizing dilemma is that i don't have a clue where the stage is, much less which costume to put on, or what role i am to play. from what i've been hearing from the Lord, my life exists to reveal His glory, and to reveal an aspect of His character that no other life can. that's a cool thought - i just wish He had seen fit to send me a script.

let's take a little tangent to see if i can illustrate the larger thought process going on here - stick with me - it will seem convoluted, but hopefully, i will be able to wrap the thoughts together into some form of cohesive whole... i made a conscious decision to stick with my marriage long after it was nothing but a farce. i had convinced myself that i needed to do everything in my power to "make it work" so that i could look back and say that i tried everything i possibly could before i gave up - when, in reality, i had already given up. given the perspective of time and a little wisdom, i begin to see the flaws in that reasoning. my marriage was dead and doomed far before my ex left me. so what really led me to stay for many more years than i should have? the awful and honest answer is pride. i had to convince myself that i would shoulder no blame for the failure... which is total bullshit. of course i shoulder and share blame for failure - how arrogant and stupid of me to waste precious time "doing everything that i could" when there was nothing left to be saved. (i suppose i should add the caveat that we were unequally yoked...)

there was nothing about the extra years added to my marriage that glorified God. there was nothing there that pointed to Him... it was only after he had finally left me, and i finally had my excuse to divorce him - and promptly fell flat on my face - that the Lord showed up to fix anything. in my utter brokenness, He was able to finally get my attention, nay, submission, that He was really after... and i became teachable.

one of the words consistently used to describe me is "strong." i became "strong" as a way to cope with all life threw at me. let me just tell you, it's not all that it's cracked up to be. without the Lord, being strong equates to being hard, instead of the gentle strength that the Lord intends for us to possess. being "strong" required the Lord to be "stronger" than me. He allowed a series of major life events to happen in my life, one at a time, right on the heels of each other, and it was the sum of these events that eventually broke me, well before i understood the concept of brokenness - or was at least able to recognize it, and therefore name it.

so what about the life i lead right now glorifies God? not much is my biggest fear. what am i doing for the Kingdom of God? more importantly - what am i going to do for the Kingdom? these are the answers that i'm seeking, and the questions continually bring me back to this place - i've been brought back to this crossroad, able to recognize that i've been here before - and that i'd rather not come back to this place again... ever. so how do i put this behind me, so that i don't return to this place of loneliness, fear and uncertainty?

by listening to my heart. by choosing to decide. what makes my heart beat faster? what makes me ache? what makes me so angry i could spit, and what makes me so full of joy that tears are the only true release? the answers to these questions will guide me toward all that Jesus intends for my life. life is a journey into the heart of God, is it not? journeys don't imply places of rest, peace and respite... although i will surely encounter all of those many times in this life. journeys also involve aching with loneliness and death, struggle and defeat, triumph and joy. one of the ministers of my former church put it this way - find a problem and be a part of the solution. that leaves a ginormous number of possibilities, and i'd much rather be called with more specificity. the enormity of possibility is too overwhelming for me.

i've often described life as a series of seasons - i think "jaunts" may be a better word. these jaunts connect to become the larger foray into living life well. what matters most to me is that i reveal the character and glory of God along each jaunt... which brings me to the original thought for this post. i don't have difficulties embracing the Truth of who God says i am, or the sufficiency of the Cross, or the beauty of redemption. my life right now seems to be a paradigm between embracing the Truth and truly walking in it... and what does that look like, anyway? apparently not like i expected it to...

in this moment, watching the relentless onslaught of the waters of the gulf of mexico, i am struck by how hard i've tried to live the Truth i've been taught over the past several years - and how discouraging it is that i continue to end up here, at this same crossroad - again. i've taken some time to read back over the posts on this blog, and it seems that i've not made much forward progress in the things that my heart truly struggles with - acceptance, belonging, a deep need to be settled and secure... and needed, wanted and loved. my identity in Christ tells me that i am all these things, and more. would it be horribly uncomfortable for you if i admitted that, as much as i want that to be enough, it's not? i still ache for more... kinda like the little kid in grade school who has no friends and is constantly picked on, who, in an effort to comfort her, is told that Jesus loves her. yeah, that's great, but it doesn't stop the torment. or offering the homeless guy on the side of the road a track... you get the point. I WANT MORE.

here's the problem, as i see it. i've learned the value of community and developed a deep desire to abide there - yet i remove myself from it on a daily basis. my deep need for solitude is juxtaposed over my deep need to be valued. i am constantly barraged with thoughts of not belonging, which points to the warfare set against me. i don't have (much of) a problem with my current circumstances, but many in my life do, and that causes tension between my desire to be accepted and my desire to please God. my heart aches to be loved, and refuses the love offered. i am silent, even as i deeply mourn the silence of others in my life.

recognizing that i am my biggest problem has not yet helped me move forward. i am truly blessed with a few deep and abiding friendships, and we walk together, teaching each other more about loving God and loving man... and loving ourselves. there are other relationships in my life that feel more like curses, and it is time to talk to Jesus about what He wants to do about that. and while i'm so introspective and in a posture to listen... my heart has been mishandled from the beginning, by myself and by others. it's time to talk to Him about that, too.