denial

I find myself in a season of quiet waiting. I don’t know how long this season is going to last, but it’s different than anything He has brought me to or through before.

It’s characterized mainly by denial. Denial of self indulgences, of opportunities, of possessions, of possibilities… all vague, I know, but some things are between Him and me.

It’s odd, because this season is also characterized by extreme indulgence – mainly in time with Him. I’ve taken a lot of time off work, or gone into work late, or worked from home; I’ve even taken naps in the middle of the day, with Him.

I think this peace, this trust, this quietness comes from obedience. He told me something 2 years ago, and as that time draws to a close, I have made a heart and mind decision to not question Him, to just take Him at His word and to trust. I knew, when I made this decision - and it was deliberate, I assure you - that I would be tested.

So far, the testing has been easy to spot and navigate around. Some things are more subtle, and require more focus on Him to stay the course, but I’ve managed to walk pretty steadily up to this point, quietly trusting.

I’ve read Scripture that tells us to deny self, to take up our crosses and follow Him. That always sounds so Jesus-freak-ish to me, in the sense of real world application. Or worse, it sounds SO sacrificial. Now that I think about it, I’ve had a season or 3 like that already, and they’ve been incredibly painful experiences. That’s not what this season is about.

This season is about holding Him to His promises. It’s about trusting Him enough to tell myself NO – which, believe me – that’s a big deal. Up to this point in my life, if I wanted something badly enough, I would find a way to get it. Period. Now, I think I’ve finally learned to wait for Him to provide, rather than for me to go get.

I don’t think I can adequately convey what a BIG DEAL this really is. I know this post is not written with the same passion or intensity as usually typifies my writing. My spirit is quiet, and so this post is quiet. My pastor told me a few years ago that He always answers – yes, no or wait. The question is not about what He wants us to learn during the wait. It’s about Him asking us, “Do you trust Me?”

In learning to say “Yes” to Him and "No" to me, I’ve found that I’ve learned how to wait.

temptation

I want to tell you a story. It’s not really mine to tell, but the Lord showed me something through it, so I think it’s ok… besides, the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

My friend, Christian, has a dog. More accurately, a juvenile Australian Sheppard mix – big as a dog, but still ALL puppy. Her name is Ebenezer, and she’s beautiful. Not in show dog standards, but if you can measure beauty by exuberance and unconditional love, such as dogs have, well, then, she is quite the beauty queen - cow lick down her back and all…

Now, Ebenezer has a problem with temptation and self-control. Her owners, being the intelligent men that they are, barricaded her from the Christmas tree, knowing that if she went anywhere near it, she would not be able to contain herself. As these things are want to happen, said barricade did not hold, and alas, all the presents were ripped open in sheer ecstasy and delight, and Ebenezer spent the night throwing up one of the gifts she had eaten.

I’m laughing now as I write, and I was chuckling about it yesterday when the Lord showed me something.

How like us to do the same thing, metaphorically speaking, of course (…I hope…)? His Word promises us that we can OVERWHELMINGLY CONQUER the strongholds in our lives – the temptations and the sin that keep us from living fully in the heart of God. I’m talking about real issues – lust (gasp), rage, pride, self-hatred, old pre-Jesus ways of living life and protecting ourselves… fill in your blank. How often do we barricade ourselves, thinking we are safe from something we KNOW we struggle with, only to climb right over that barricade and get into all sorts of trouble?

You may not have noticed, but I intentionally left out something that God’s Word tells us in that promise. More correctly, His Word tells us that THROUGH HIM we can overwhelmingly conquer all things. What would happen, do you suppose, if we stopped trying to protect ourselves, and allowed Him to do it for us? What would happen if we turned to Him and stood firm (or held on for dear life), trusting Him to be our Conqueror, as He promises?

Spirit Rising

As I learn and grow as a Christian, particularly as an intercessor, He is showing me things all the time – almost at a rate that doesn’t allow for full processing before something else happens. I find that I need to write the thoughts circling in my head so I don’t lose them. I’m not even sure where this post is going, but let’s see where He leads me…

One way that I learn about something is to read everything that I can about it. I have several books on intercession that I’ve been reading through. One was given to me by a very dear friend – a “Spirit” friend is the best way to describe her. She and I have not had much time to spend together over the past several years, but we are deeply linked, none-the-less. Her name is Meg, and I don’t know that I’ve ever articulated to her how clearly I see Him in her, or how much He leads me through her. No pedestal here – she is human and fallible, as we all are. She will let me down, the same as I will let her down, but there is no doubt that we will always come back together, regardless of time or distance, because He is the Center and the Root of this friendship. I could go on and on about her, but that’s not what He wants from this post… and she would be mortified, and probably already is…

The very first time I went to Meg’s apartment, we hardly knew each other. It was an incredible night of discovery and encouragement, sharpening and love. Talk about divine appointments… as I was leaving after several hours of non-stop talking, Meg handed me a book. To be quite candid, I didn’t have a clue back then how clearly she hears the voice of her Shepard; how immediately obedient she is, and how much her heart looks like His… but I digress again…

Meg handed me a book called, “The Ministry of Intercession,” by Andrew Murray. I didn’t have a clue what intercession is, or why she would give me this book, written with words like “importunity” that I have to look up before I can keep reading… It’s a difficult read, at best, and this said by a person who has read literally thousands of books. It’s been on my nightstand since then. Every now and then, I would pick it up and try to read it, only to put it down again. I just could not understand why she had given it to me. I just knew that she gave it to me for a reason, and that it would make sense one day.

What an understatement! Why do we ever doubt that He knows what He’s doing??? How she knew, way back then, what He would develop in me, what role He had planned for me – can only be attributed to God. She told me that night that there would be a place within the Ring that only I could fill – that if I was truly where He wanted me to be, this need within the ministry would develop that He would equip me to meet. HUGE CAVEAT – I am in NO WAY saying that I am the only intercessor within the Ring – I’m not even the most effective. I have so much to learn – which brings me to the original thought for this post.

There are many ways He’s shown me how to intercede for others. Different types of prayer, different ways of walking with someone, sharing and, at times, carrying their burdens when they are too heavy. By far the coolest way He has allowed me to intercede for someone is what I’ve come to call “Spirit Rising.” It’s only happened a few times, and it’s incredible.

I can only describe it as a rising – a rushing – a filling – a roaring – of His Holy Spirit deep within me, and I know His power has been unleashed in the spiritual realm and there is some serious battle going on. I can’t see it, there is nothing to go on except for what I feel let loose – it’s Him through me in an awesome rising up of His Spirit. During those times, in those situations, I am walking in His full authority over a situation, and it’s incredibly powerful. That’s probably why He has only allowed it to happen a few times, so far.

I must keep my heart ever humble before HIM, or this could be easily taken away, or worse, abused. I don’t know if you’ve ever walked through something, knowing that He has been unleashed, that you are walking in the full authority of Jesus Christ – but it’s amazing.

Man, he’s pissed!

As we get closer and closer to the launch of the Ring Community Church, the spiritual activity is, of course, heating up. WAY UP. This is just one story – there are many more…

I’ve been battling the same lies that he always tells me – you’re too old, you don’t belong, you’re ineffective, you’re unapproachable… all crap, but they hurt all the same. Praise God that I know them for what they are – attempts by a pissed off enemy to render his foes ineffective. Praise God that I can recognize that and dismiss them as lies.

I’ve been battling in other areas of my life as well – mostly relational stuff that hurts, too. It seems that this particular method of attack is a common one in the ministry right now, but it’s effective only so long as we focus on the lies and ourselves. Pretty intense stuff, but again, I know what it is, and therefore how to fight it. I believe most of us know this is spiritual attack – if you are involved in the Ring and are experiencing this kind of crap in your life – know what it is, and know that you are covered – by people within the Ring ministry that are fighting for you, and by The Intercessor Himself. Fight the lies and trust the Truth.

But today… man, oh, man. Does he fight dirty when he’s pissed!!!

I stayed home today – I sensed a pressing need to stay home with my Lord, to pray, to work through some of these lies and find my way through the murk back to Life. I was struggling this morning, really having a hard time praying, same as I have for the past several weeks or so. I finally went to take a nap, praying for Him to reveal Himself to me, praying for Him to speak to me or to give me a vision – to give me something to go on.

I’m still shaking my head in amazement. The enemy of God really is so audacious, and he certainly does not pull any punches.

It took me awhile to go to sleep – I just lay there, praying and singing, waiting for Him to show me what I need to see. When I finally slept, I had the most vivid dream, and it was most assuredly NOT from Him, although He allowed it. That will make sense in a minute.

I had a very vivid and profane dream. I will not go into detail, but suffice it to say that it shocked me. In that place between dreaming and consciousness, as I was realizing what I was dreaming about and understanding that it was an attack, I was brought fully awake by an audible, “F*** you.” In my bedroom! In my home! How dare he come into this place?

I knew that I would have to get angry – really angry – before I would be able to fight with any effectiveness. Well, I’m angry. No, I’m pissed. That particular little demon was bound and sent straight to HIS throne for judgment. By HIS divine nature that exists within me, by HIS authority given to me as a child of the Most High, by all the power of Heaven – by HIM and Him alone – it’s ON. Bring it.

Worthy???

Here’s a random thought that’s been running around in my mind for quite a while now. Maybe you guys can shed some light for me…

Many of the worship songs we know and love proclaim His worth. Here’s my question:

Who are we, the created, to determine the worth of the Creator?

It boggles my mind.

Turkey Day – Part 2…

So, my friend Allison called me as soon as I finished posting the last blog. She invited me to go to the movies with her and a couple of her friends. My transition from loving being alone to YAY FRIENDS was instant.

Allison, unlike me, is never late. She asked me to be at her house at 6:20, to be at the theater at 6:45 (it’s only 10 minutes away, max) for a 7:20 showing. So I’m on time (yay) and we get to the theater at 6:30… which is actually kinda fun, because we got into the auditorium 30 minutes before start – which means that we go to watch a blurb on global warming, ScreenVision and lots of movie trailers. Oh, I left out the part where she and Heather knew everybody in the theater, so it’s like a bunch of friends in there… ok, so it was a bunch of friends in there, but I only knew 3 – but it felt like I knew everyone.

We went to see “Just Friends.” It was non-stop, can’t breathe, can’t make-a-sound-because-you-can’t-breathe-much-less-laugh hysterical. The entire audience was in stitches – for the entire movie.

It was great – not the movie, although it was hysterical – what was really great was that He knew, as much as I loved being alone today, I was beginning to feel alone, if you understand…

Anyway, He put me on her heart and I tagged along with them and had a total blast. I knew I nick-named her Beautiful for a reason…

Tanning on Turkey Day

I love the Lord. Have I told anyone that lately?

He’s given me 5 days of downtime – time to be completely alone if I want – which I do at the moment.

This is the very first Thanksgiving Day I’ve spent by myself. Over-worked and under-rested (yes, that’s a word – I just made it up) I declined to do the family thing this year. My roommate is in Alabama with her family, my family is in Mississippi and I’m ALONE!!!

It’s funny how the passage of time changes your perspective. The 13 years I was with my ex, I dreaded the holidays, Thanksgiving in particular. It was the perfect excuse for all the men in his family to drink themselves stupid, and the women invariably bore the brunt of said stupidity. The years immediately following my marriage were times of loneliness – different than the loneliness that I experienced as a wife – and wondering when I would share in the festivities of another family’s traditions, and what they would be like.

This year, I find myself alone and thankful for it. I grew up in a very loose-knit family that I love, but one that only gathers for Thanksgiving and funerals. The community I’ve experienced at the Ring has gone a long way toward showing me what true fellowship looks and acts like. I look with alien’s eyes into the lives of my friends and the dynamics of their families, and maybe I’m a little envious of the love, laughter and belonging they share.

Praise the Lord that I belong to a much larger family now – the family of God – and, more intimately, the Ring family. If it is His will, one day I’ll belong to an earthly family – my husband’s family – and I’ll know the acceptance and belonging that comes with adoption into that family. For now, my adoption into the family of God more than sustains me.

So, how did I spend this balmy, Southern Thanksgiving? I read all morning, I tanned by the pool (yep, lying out at the end of November!) and then came in, ate a whole plate of green bean casserole left over from our Community Group Thanksgiving feast earlier this week, and read some more. It was great.

worship under water

I can't sing. That's probably not a big surprise to anyone who has sat beside me in church. I love to sing, but I'm one of those who can adjust their voice to whoever is singing, but solo is altogether... well, just wrong.

With that said, I was singing my little heart out in the shower last Friday. I mean, really belting it out. I was praising Him loud and proud... my neighbors could probably hear me...

I was singing a medley of songs - just praising Him with whatever lyrics came to mind. This went on for about 15 minutes when I moved on to, "Grace Flows Down," which is a derivation of the original, "Amazing Grace." All of a sudden, I had an accompaniment to my musical in the shower. Over the sound of my voice and the running water, I heard my cat, Manny, at the bathroom door. He was singing with me... proof that he is not the demon cat from hell - yes, that's directed at you Katie, Megan, Misty, Allison, Laurel, Michelle and whoever else denies his salvation...

He's really funny - he only sings along with me to "Grace Flows Down" and "Amazing Grace" - no other songs. He picked it up from my niece, Brittany, when I was living with my sister. She has a gorgeous voice and sings at the top of her lungs, too. He sang with her, and now he sings with me.

It was great. I had this picture of Him in my mind - hands clamped over His ears and grinning down at me, loving every minute of it.

one last day...

I’ve been given a gift. A glorious gift from a glorious God; HE has allowed the warmth to linger – just for a day – for less than 24 hours before a cold front comes through from the west and brings the bite of chilly air. I’ve had this debate with, well, just about everyone I’ve talked to about the changing seasons. Most are looking forward to beautiful weather and cooler temperatures. Me, not so much. I hate being cold. I recognize His hand in the change of the seasons; I see the beauty of it all, and somewhere it speaks softly to my soul. It speaks of change, of stability, of the passage of time – lots of things that are proof that He knew what He was doing when He set everything in motion. My issue with all of this is being cold. I hate being cold. I can’t even wrap it in thoughts of His glorious design – I just flat hate being cold. Cold in south Louisiana is much different than any other place I’ve lived in the winter (Wyoming and north Texas). It’s a damp, chill-you-to-the-bones, make-your-muscles-shake-and-shiver-and-hurt kind of cold that lingers until April. The advent of the “winter” here sets in me a longing for warm spring days when the earth comes alive again, and His majesty and splendor are revealed positively everywhere. The earth bursts with life and hope and color and beauty. The “winter” in the South is nothing compared to other climes, and that’s fine – that’s why I don’t live there. But today, this glorious day, He has seen fit to give me one more day of warmth and sunshine and heavy, sultry southern air, and I love Him for it. This day is for me, and I praise Him for it. See, Meg – I’m not intense all the time… just most of the time… :P Here are some pictures I took this past spring here in BR, San Diego, La Jolla, Azle (that’s in TX) – reminders of places I’ve been and of things to come… I hope you enjoy them. Oh - one more thing - a HUGE THANK YOU to Travis and Matt for their help with the pics and html table - no way I could have done this without them. Thanks, guys! You're AWESOME!!!

Bitterness is a choice...

Bitterness is a choice…

The Body of Christ at the church I attend on Sunday mornings is broken. Apparently, this brokenness has been in the works, so to speak, for a while – several years, in fact. The good news here is that the Lord works mightily in our lives, individually and collectively, through the brokenness. How broken we have to be is entirely up to us. But because He loves us SO MUCH, He will continue to allow us to make wrong choices – it’s that dang free will thing – so that once we finally break, He can come in and do absolutely amazing things in and through us. “His strength is made perfect in our weakness.”

One of the reasons that I love going to church is that I learn so much. I have been praying for unity in the Body of Christ. A couple of weeks ago, my pastor spoke on the Body, and about how we already have unity through Christ’s sacrificial life, death, resurrection and ascension… we just don’t live like it. One Life, one death, one resurrection, one ascension – one Savior. How much more unity do we need before we actually GET IT, for crying out loud?

The next Sunday morning, I attended a different Sunday School than I normally do. It was actually kinda cool – I had absolutely no doubt that I was supposed to go, even though the times I have been before have been somewhat uncomfortable for me. We continued the discussion from the main sermon on extending grace, on forgiveness and what that looks like truly lived out it our lives. The discussion centered on how to continue the healing process within in church. It was a pretty provocative discussion, in the sense that it made you really think about His forgiveness. Who are we to withhold forgiveness from anyone? The staff ministers (we are pastor-less at the moment – the pastor I keep referring to is the pastor of the Ring Community Church, a church plant of the main church I attend on Sunday mornings) are trying to move the Body through the healing process towards Him. It’s quite a daunting task. Oddly enough, I had a lot to say in that particular discussion, because I have vast amounts of experience in brokenness, forgiveness (both sides of extending and receiving grace) and bitterness.

Ultimately, bitterness is a choice. Either you allow the Lord to work in your heart and you either ask for or receive forgiveness, or you become bitter.  A really good example of this from the Scriptures is in Genesis, in the story of Jacob and Isaac. It goes something like this (Genesis 27) – Isaac had 2 sons, Jacob and Esau. Esau, as the oldest son, was to receive the father’s blessing and therefore his inheritance. Enter Rebekah, the mom, and the web of lies begins. She directs her gullible younger son, Jacob, to trick his aging father into giving him his blessing, therefore stealing it from his older brother. Check out this passage in verses 41 and 42 – “41 Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, "The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob." 42 When Rebekah was told what her older son Esau had said, she sent for her younger son Jacob and said to him, "Your brother Esau is consoling himself with the thought of killing you.”  Now, personally, I sympathize with Esau and don’t blame him for being angry. But to allow that anger to eat way at his heart, to grow and change to bitterness and thoughts of murder (no forgiveness there…) allows satan in and ultimately causes corruption from the inside out. (I’m currently studying Genesis in a Bible study by Beth Moore called, The Patriarchs – Encountering the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, so a lot of this is coming from that teaching – just to give the author and the Author credit).

Forgiveness is an outward sign of an inward condition, same as bitterness – it’s a heart reflection. Ultimately, forgiveness MJST happen one heart at a time, through intimacy with Christ – through a surrendered life, and a heart that seeks after, and abides in, the heart of God. As I said, our church leadership has a daunting task. Only through His transforming power and grace are we going to heal and move on. But, praise the Lord, He is so much bigger than a few stubborn hearts. I cannot wait to see HIM and His Kingdom displayed in its full glory in the Body and to the community in which we live.

Sin and Redemption

Sin and Redemption

“Do I really have to do this?” Silence. An overwhelming sense of “You know you do, so quit asking” and yet, the flesh cringes and fear creeps in (ok, absolutely terrifies and envelopes) and I am caught.

The problem with sin is that it has consequences – sometimes far-reaching. The beauty of redemption and forgiveness is that they allow His light to shine, to heal, to correct, and to guide us to places we’d rather not go, but are blessed to have taken the journey once it’s over.

I’ve had several comments (not on the blog… boooo on people who won’t comment there) about my last post regarding the level of detail – or lack thereof – leaving a lot to the imagination. Well, quite honestly, it’s not just my sin – there are others involved which I will protect at all costs – and if I may be blunt, the sin is not the point. The healing, the love, the growth, the breaking out of 20-year sin cycles – His glory reigning in and over that situation – HE is the point. So rein your imaginations in – you’ll not get the details – they are not the point.

Continuing on from the last post, I talked to my pastor on a Tuesday. That Wednesday, I found myself in a position of asking for forgiveness from the one I hurt. Further proof that He is doing amazing things in my heart; that it has become more humble and unable to stand a wrong done to someone… I’ve had some difficult conversations in my life – we all have – but this one ranks right on up there in the top 5. Many tears and a couple of hours later, His light had further strengthened in me and another arrow had been knocked loose.

Don’t get me wrong – this was only achieved by Him and His grace. My obedience was part of it, my willingness to humble myself was part of it – but the desperate need to right a wrong, to repent and receive forgiveness – those are the things that drove me past my fear and into His light. As we talked, His Word absolutely exploded and He was glorified. His Word tells us that He turns all things for good for those who love Him – believe it, for it is Truth.

That Friday, the same friend and I ran out for Chinese take out. Check out the fortune cookies:

• My friend’s – Truth is a torch that gleams through the fog without dispelling it


• Mine – You gain strength when you stop and look fear in the face

Who says He can’t speak through ancient Chinese wisdom? He is the LORD Almighty – He can do whatever He pleases, and praise Him for it!

We lay our crowns

We lay our crowns…

The Lord really spoke to me this weekend. He spoke words of love, forgiveness, patience and discipline. He spoke of dying to self and truly living for Him. He spoke to me of healing, of truly desiring to live my life for Him, and what that looks like – really looks like. It requires a heart change – a permanent shift towards Him and His likeness. A Higher Calling… we are called to Something more.

We fall down, we lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus.

The greatness of His mercy and love, at the feet of Jesus.

And we cry Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lamb.

I’ve sung that song many times over the years, but Sunday morning was different. He spoke to my heart about what that means now, and what that means THEN – before the Lord.

When I began this post, my thoughts were circling around crowns of pride, ambition, self will, independence, arrogance, self blindness…

Now, they circle more around crowns of wounds – wounds that we carry around with us and refuse to lay at His feet. Or not even refuse – maybe we don’t even realize they are there until He shows them to us. John Eldredge calls them arrows. Arrows or crowns… either way, we are called to pull them out or take them off – and LAY THEM DOWN at the feet of Jesus. I wonder what our lives would look like if we really did that consistently?

I fell down Friday night. I fell into a cycle of sin that I’ve been captive to for 20 years. Desperate for His truth to be fully displayed in my life, I dug deep for the courage to ask for help. After 3 days of tears, shame and His patient love and ministering, He sent me to my pastor. We talked about many things – too much to try to record here, but one thing my pastor showed me was in these words that the Apostle Paul wrote in Philippians 4:4-7, and He revealed them to me in a new light:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

I had feared that my heart had grown numb, maybe even hard. He placed me in an emotional bubble to allow me time to heal after 30 years of fighting Him, but the length of time in said bubble was beginning to scare me. My pastor suggested that HE was guarding my heart. I believe him, and HIM. My pastor also suggested that I may be more wounded that I thought. I know that now to be true. Now that I know, I can allow Him to heal me, completely. I believe that Jesus Christ has the power to change any human life – even mine. “He is Light – there is no darkness in Him at all.” (for all you sticklers out there, I admit that may be slightly paraphrased, but you get the point)

That’s what He’s been waiting for. This particular crown has been taken off, the arrow has been pulled out, and I lay them down at His feet.

Praise the Lord. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lamb.

10 years ago, today

October 14, 1995. One of the biggest mistakes of my life happened on that day, and, many years later, one of the biggest miracles in my life occurred during the fallout resulting from the decisions made that day.

I was married in a beautiful outdoor wedding on an almost-perfect October afternoon. I was late to my own wedding, which will not surprise my friends in the least. What's really funny is that the wedding was held in one of the gardens on a university-owned property. Weddings are not allowed there - I may be the only person ever married there... perhaps it should stay that way... Anyway, there was a bus load of French tourists touring the grounds, and they got to the garden just as the wedding began. They thought we were filming a wedding for a western movie. They all had video cams and filmed my wedding! How random is that? There are at least 20 people in France that have my wedding in their personal video bibliothèque...

My favorite picture from the wedding is of my now ex-husband. He's standing by himself, looking for all the world like he's about to bolt. Man, do I wish he would have. Yeah, I've heard all the crap about, "you wouldn't be who and where you are today without your past happening that way..." I respectfully disagree. Here's why:

I am NOT defined by where I've been, what I've done or what I've been through. Shaped, perhaps, but not defined. I AM defined by who I'm becoming in Christ, day after day, walking with Him. As far as I'm concerned, my marriage was a 7+ year detour away from the Lord. Free will and all that good stuff... I could have chosen a much straighter path, letting Him guide my steps... but no.

We dated for 6 years and were married for 7. 13 years, plus the grief and recovery time that took several more years of my life - totally wasted. To say that I regret the marriage is a HUGE understatement. The only saving grace is that I know that my Lord does not waste a hurt. He does not allow our "adventures" away from Him to go to waste. He will use my life experience for His Kingdom's sake, to help heal, to help avoid, to help HIS light shine when people's worlds go completely black.

During the course of my marriage, I experienced many things, mostly bad. Verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, financial ruin, heritage lost, infertility (praise the Lord), legal trouble, humiliation, complete loss of my identity as Ann, much less who I was in Christ. In short - I settled.

Out of the bad, of course there was some Good. I used to sit with my mother-in-law for hours on end, talking about a God I didn't really know, talking about a Bible that I really didn't understand. I remember being very frustrated that I didn't know if what she was saying was Truth or not. Something in me cringed at some of the things she said - a still, small voice - a knowing - that some things were not Truth. Out of those conversations sparked my adult journey with the Lord. I needed to know, for myself, what this whole faith thing is all about. And, I needed to know what I truly believed as an adult.

I knew Jesus as a very small child. I used to sneak out of my bedroom at night, go into the living room, and sit with Him, gazing at the brightly lit Christmas tree, lost in conversation with Him. As I grew older, I did the typical teenage independent, don't need anybody thing. That was further reinforced when my dad disappeared. I am woman, hear me roar, and all that. Enter Todd, and the next 13-15 years are history.

Of course, the triumph of this story is that He can pull us out of the worst of circumstances. That He says, "No" for a reason. That He turns all things for good for those who love Him. He saved me from myself. "For those who seek to gain their lives will lose it." That, absolutely, without doubt, Jesus Christ has the power to change any human life. He didn't just change mine - I am made new. Completely new. Praise You, Jesus.

Over the past couple of years, I've wanted to tell Mary (his mom) what an impact she had on my spiritual life. I've resisted up to this point, not willing to open that whole can of vicious worms. Learning a lesson from Lot's wife, I've refused to go back. There is nothing for me there.

But now, once again, He has graciously given me my voice (albeit a cyber voice) to say what needs to be said. I know the chances of her ever reading this are nil, but that's OK. I'll see her in eternity one glorious day and she'll know. This is really for me, and I know it. Call it closure.

Mary, wherever you are, I love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for playing your role in my life so well. He used you to help me find my way back to Him, and He is blessed, as I am blessed. I pray His best for you and yours, always.

what's this about a mustard seed?

This has been a two-day effort, so I'm actually referring to Tuesday morning, just for the record... this day was spent shopping and traveling, so I don't want to waste your time - no cool God moments today... well, maybe except for the fact that I actually made it home... I was taking pictures for my book, Life at 80 (ish) mph, trying to capture the devastation of Katrina in east Louisiana and Mississippi along I-10 while driving, well, 80-ish mph... yay cruise control and lightening-fast reflexes! On to the the real story...

I was on the beach this morning - 5 am on the dot. The moon had already set, and I was 20 miles west of Gulf Shores, near Fort Morgan. Nothing out there but me and the stars. I haven't seen that many stars in years. It was reminiscent of my childhood vacations to the Florida keys... but that's a different story for another day.

I am really struggling for words to describe this morning. I think I'm still processing. The sun rose (gloriously, I might add) a little after 6, so for the first hour or so, I soaked up the stars. The heavens are a sight to behold. It's such a shame that we don't or can't see them every morning. He flung them out there for us, as reminders of Him and His creativity, His love, His heart for us, and we miss His love notes all the time. I wonder how He feels - has felt over the ages - as we go along with our lives, not noticing the intricate detail He went to for us?

When I finally gave up and accepted the fact that He was not going to give me a cliff-notes version on astronomy 101, I began to pray. To say I was struggling is an under-statement. I had a very real sense that the situations I was praying for were at a point where MY faith had to sustain us, because the people who were so desperate for prayer were at the breaking point. How scary is that? What does that say about intercession? Him through me, Him through me, Him through me.

He showed me that I had to let some things go - so I released some very old wounds to Him. My father, my ex - both of which played pretty big roles in shaping my life. Praise the Lord. Two more arrows dislodged and wounds bleeding, bathed in His blood. Waves crashing and not another soul around, I could not help but sing to Him:

Open up the skies of mercy,

Rain down Your cleansing flood.

Healing waters, rise around us.

Hear our cries, Lord, let them rise.

It's Your kindness, Lord,

that leads us to repentance.

Your favor, Lord, is our desire.

Your beauty, Lord,

makes us stand in silence.

Your love, Your love

is better than life.

OK, here's a question for you guys - I know you're reading, but not many are commenting. Which is OK, but I'd really like some feedback on this one.

What does it mean when you're praying for physical healing, and in the midst of your prayer, your hand is raised in accord with the mental image of His hand on Bart's body, and the hand attached to my body gets hot? Not glowing red or anything, but definitely heated way up?

If anyone makes any Binny Hinn jokes, remember I know where you live.

um, could You lower the veil, please?

Today was way different. I didn't stick to the plan - which is fine, but man, did He slam me...

One of my constant prayers is for clarity - for Him to lift the veil, just a little. Well, He took me seriously today, and I have been positively overwhelmed at our absolute NEED for Him. We need so much! We have so many prayers! We desire so many answers! We need to TRUST HIM. He's constantly asking me, "Do you trust Me?" That's a topic for another time.

What's on my heart tonight is our desperate need for God. And I don't have many words. As I unwrap this gift of intercession, He shows me something, allows me to process it, then shows me something else. Today, all day, He has allowed prayer after prayer after prayer to come on my heart. Prayers from friends, from strangers, from everywhere, and I am thrown for a loop. Apparently His definition of clarity and mine are completely different... He is showing me the magnitude, seriousness and responsibility of this gift. And, quite frankly, it scares the crap out of me. I hear Him asking me, "Ann. Do you trust ME?"

Lord, please, may my answer ALWAYS be a bold and resounding YES, even as my flesh and my mind cringe. Lord, may it be so.

twilight prayer

I'm in Alabama this morning, taking a much-needed vacation. Becky and I agreed to pray together across the miles while I'm away. My intention was to be at the beach at 5, but apparently He had other plans.

I went to sleep last night, trusting Him to wake me up. And He did, of course. I can't say that it was at 5, but it was early. I was so burdened to pray for my roommate. She is interviewing for a job and is very nervous, overwhelmed and feels totally inadequate. I prayed HARD for Him to reveal her heart to the people involved in the interview process. I prayed for her to see her worth, ability and value in Him, through Him, and given to her by Him. I wonder if she felt the supplication going to Him on her behalf?

Sometimes it's really hard to know what to do with what He shows me, or places on my heart. Should I get up and pray with her? If I don't, am I withholding from her, and Him? So began my twilight prayer. In the stillness of early morning, I lay in bed, praying with fervor for His will to be done, for the enemy to not hold sway on her thoughts, for the interviewers to see Him brightly and clearly in and through her, despite her fears. I prayed many things in that quiet place, intimate things that will not be recorded here.

The really cool thing about God is that He is no more restricted by religion and manmade rituals or practices than the man in the moon. He does not need me on my knees, or even on my face, physically speaking, to know the sincerity of my prayers, to hear my hearts cry. I believe these positions of humility are much more for us than for Him. They indicate an outward sign of an inward humility, reverence and supplication - and worship. I love that I can lie in bed and have the same conversation and have Him listen just as intently as when I'm literally on my face. He loves that I know that I am not bound to ritualistic prostrations (is that a word?) to know that He is listening intently. Not just listening; He is responding, allowing me to intercede, to converse with the God of the universe - the Most High God - Jesus, the Son of God. This transcendent, eminent, intimate God was with me, in me and through me. Imagine that.

Imagine that He is the Lover of our souls. Imagine that He is relentlessly pursuing us, desiring to engage our hearts, to restore them, to be the One we turn to in the twilight hours. Imagine it, and then believe it. Absorb it. Process it. Revel in Him and His glorious, passionate love for us.

and on the third day...

Ok, so I know that's the obvious title, but I couldn't resist.

4:58 am. Really. Absolutely amazing. What's even more amazing is that I rolled out of bed at 4:46 and still made it to church for 4:58... I might have been speeding just a little bit...

This morning was all about freedom. Freedom to come before the Lord and to come together with absolute authenticity. If you know me at all, authenticity is one of my buzz words. Transparency is another - I believe they go hand-in-hand.

How awesome is it to be able to come together as sisters and friends, with no rules, no schedule, no... religion. Just a shared desire to learn more about the Lord, to grow more like Him, and a burden to pray for our churches. I am so blessed by Him. I find myself very grateful for the women He has placed in my life and for the roles they are so eager to play - friend, sister, mentor, discipler, accountability partner, encourager... the list goes on and on, and I am positively surrounded by women like this - of many ages and seasons of life. I guess He doesn't trust me on my own just yet... and praise Him for it.

I've never been very girly - tomboy is a better description. Don't get me wrong - I am a woman of many passions. I love romance, clothes (thanks to Mich), candlelight, great food - and Braveheart... I think this is an area that has been so deficient in my life for so long that I'm making up for lost time. That seems to be the running theme in my Christian walk.

I always seem to be sprinting towards Him, making up for lost time. And there is so much more to learn! So much more to see! So many more lives to touch! So much more of HIM! That, to me, is the coolest thing about Christianity - the journey never ends until you are looking Him in the face - and then you begin the real one. The forever one. With Him. As it was meant to be.

I absolutely cannot wait. In the meantime, I am enjoying the ride immensely. It is my heart's desire that you are on that journey with me. Do you know my Jesus?

the second day

4:58 - again. Amazing...no, really. For me to be on time for anything is atypical - for me to be early 2 days in a row is amazing. Prayer this morning was more worship than prayer, which was awesome.

Becky brought 3 tea lights, representing the Trinity. In the darkness, in the stillness of early morning, He surrounded us with His presence that was...real. What's the word? Transcendence. Wow.

Forgiveness and division. That's what He brought to us this morning to converse with Him about. As we stood trembling in the gap, we could not help but to fall at His feet in worship. Singing, without any musical accompaniment, can be an awkward thing. But driven by the intensity of His presence, we could respond no other way.

Only You have come to find me,

Only You have come to pull me out.

Only You have come to save me,

Only You have come to wrap Your arms around me.

And no one has ever loved me

like the way You love me.

Wrap Your arms around me.

Praise You, Jesus.

careful what you pray for...

Lately, I've been praying for more time - more hours in a day. Well... funny how He takes me at my word... and it's very obvious to me that He has a sense of humor. A friend of mine was sent northward by her husband to get out of Rita's way, and on her way home, she had one of those "God moments" that I so long for. She travelled with Him all the way home - which is evidenced by the fact that she actually made it home at all - she was writing and praying, which means He was driving... but that's not the point.

He told her to pray - with me - at 5:00 in the morning (yes, 5:00 am) at the church, for the Body of Christ. Pretty specific stuff. Now, you need to realize that I covet sleep. In my opinion, I don't get nearly enough sleep. He obviously thinks otherwise. As I whined and moaned my way to obedience, He showed me Isaiah 62:6-7:

I have posted watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem;

they will never be silent day or night.

You who call on the LORD,

give yourselves no rest,

and give Him no rest

till he establishes Jerusalem and makes her

the praise of the earth.

We met for the first time this morning. I arrived - by the grace of God - at 4:58 am. Oh, that we would always be so obedient, for the rewards are so great! What a sweet, sweet, passionate, powerful, trembling, awesome, magnificent, glorious time with the Lord! He is doing something new - something awesome - and it is my privilege to be a part of it, deemed worthy to serve Him in this way.

To help you understand the Scripture reference, I guess I should explain my role in the Body of Christ. I am an intercessor (...you who call on the LORD...) for the Body of Christ. What does that mean, you might ask? Don't have a clue. Really.

I'm learning as I go, and it's going to be an awesome adventure. My favorite description of our God is "dangerous, wild, unfettered, and free" (my apologies to the author - I don't know who you are, but your words circle in my mind). The Christian life is not meant to be easy, it's not meant to be mundane and ordinary - safe. We are set apart, a holy nation, led and loved by Ha-Shem, Yahweh, the LORD of all creation.

Hang on. It's going to be quite a ride, and I could not be more awed or excited.