10 years ago, today

October 14, 1995. One of the biggest mistakes of my life happened on that day, and, many years later, one of the biggest miracles in my life occurred during the fallout resulting from the decisions made that day.

I was married in a beautiful outdoor wedding on an almost-perfect October afternoon. I was late to my own wedding, which will not surprise my friends in the least. What's really funny is that the wedding was held in one of the gardens on a university-owned property. Weddings are not allowed there - I may be the only person ever married there... perhaps it should stay that way... Anyway, there was a bus load of French tourists touring the grounds, and they got to the garden just as the wedding began. They thought we were filming a wedding for a western movie. They all had video cams and filmed my wedding! How random is that? There are at least 20 people in France that have my wedding in their personal video bibliothèque...

My favorite picture from the wedding is of my now ex-husband. He's standing by himself, looking for all the world like he's about to bolt. Man, do I wish he would have. Yeah, I've heard all the crap about, "you wouldn't be who and where you are today without your past happening that way..." I respectfully disagree. Here's why:

I am NOT defined by where I've been, what I've done or what I've been through. Shaped, perhaps, but not defined. I AM defined by who I'm becoming in Christ, day after day, walking with Him. As far as I'm concerned, my marriage was a 7+ year detour away from the Lord. Free will and all that good stuff... I could have chosen a much straighter path, letting Him guide my steps... but no.

We dated for 6 years and were married for 7. 13 years, plus the grief and recovery time that took several more years of my life - totally wasted. To say that I regret the marriage is a HUGE understatement. The only saving grace is that I know that my Lord does not waste a hurt. He does not allow our "adventures" away from Him to go to waste. He will use my life experience for His Kingdom's sake, to help heal, to help avoid, to help HIS light shine when people's worlds go completely black.

During the course of my marriage, I experienced many things, mostly bad. Verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, financial ruin, heritage lost, infertility (praise the Lord), legal trouble, humiliation, complete loss of my identity as Ann, much less who I was in Christ. In short - I settled.

Out of the bad, of course there was some Good. I used to sit with my mother-in-law for hours on end, talking about a God I didn't really know, talking about a Bible that I really didn't understand. I remember being very frustrated that I didn't know if what she was saying was Truth or not. Something in me cringed at some of the things she said - a still, small voice - a knowing - that some things were not Truth. Out of those conversations sparked my adult journey with the Lord. I needed to know, for myself, what this whole faith thing is all about. And, I needed to know what I truly believed as an adult.

I knew Jesus as a very small child. I used to sneak out of my bedroom at night, go into the living room, and sit with Him, gazing at the brightly lit Christmas tree, lost in conversation with Him. As I grew older, I did the typical teenage independent, don't need anybody thing. That was further reinforced when my dad disappeared. I am woman, hear me roar, and all that. Enter Todd, and the next 13-15 years are history.

Of course, the triumph of this story is that He can pull us out of the worst of circumstances. That He says, "No" for a reason. That He turns all things for good for those who love Him. He saved me from myself. "For those who seek to gain their lives will lose it." That, absolutely, without doubt, Jesus Christ has the power to change any human life. He didn't just change mine - I am made new. Completely new. Praise You, Jesus.

Over the past couple of years, I've wanted to tell Mary (his mom) what an impact she had on my spiritual life. I've resisted up to this point, not willing to open that whole can of vicious worms. Learning a lesson from Lot's wife, I've refused to go back. There is nothing for me there.

But now, once again, He has graciously given me my voice (albeit a cyber voice) to say what needs to be said. I know the chances of her ever reading this are nil, but that's OK. I'll see her in eternity one glorious day and she'll know. This is really for me, and I know it. Call it closure.

Mary, wherever you are, I love you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for playing your role in my life so well. He used you to help me find my way back to Him, and He is blessed, as I am blessed. I pray His best for you and yours, always.