tell me, if you can, how sexual abuse glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how a father's disappearance, leaving his wife and children abandoned, glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how a wife suffering at the hands of her husband glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how infertility glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how adultery and humiliation glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how separation and divorce glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how losing a home glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how utter despair glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how bankruptcy and identity theft glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how struggling to fit and being rejected glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how getting laid off glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how possible financial ruin - again - glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how anything in my life glorifies the LORD?
i've seen enough trial and struggle to last 10 lifetimes. don't talk to me about trials, storms and struggles. i've seen Him be faithful to bring me out of some of these situations. some, He's seen fit to leave me in. a friend of mine recently wrote me an email saying that the entire Body of the ring is suffering and that she is blown away by His sovereignty. His sovereignty??? another friend of mine recently told me that He has shown her that He is bringing me to a place where i will be settled, and that everything going on in my life is ultimately going to glorify Him. really... i wonder why He has not seen fit to show me the same thing? oh, that's right... His sovereignty. His choice. His plan. His story.
we're taught to embrace struggles, to thank Him for trusting us with trials - that storms are allowed by Him to come against us. this is biblical, to be sure. however, the idea that we are supposed to lie down and take this crap does not ring true to me. it is, in fact, a very dangerous thing to do. fine, you want to talk about embracing a fight - then embrace it the way william wallace did - head on with a full frontal assault. we're taught that our struggles are not against flesh and blood, but against evil - to be wary and alert - that our enemy prowls around day and night seeking those whom he can devour. we're also taught that there is a time and a season for everything - and everything in me is screaming FIGHT.
we're given the POWER of the Blood of Christ for a reason. we're given the armor of God for a reason. personally, i'm tired of being in this place. i'm tired of seeing the Body suffer. when are we going to stand up and fight - not individually, but as a united Body - of one heart and one mind? we've been given EVERYTHING we need for life and godliness - for His sake and ours - let's use it - let's get out of this place and let's get on with this story.
5.28.2006
5.20.2006
discipleship
last sunday, josh spoke about community groups and why they are structured the way that they are: all age groups and walks of life combined into one community, with the older members mentoring and discipling the younger. that's a biblical example, to be sure. the question that keeps running through my mind is this: who is discipling the older ones?
listen to what john eldredge has to say about discipleship:
If you're not pursuing a dangerous quest with your life, well, then, you don't need a Guide. If you haven't found yourself in the midst of a ferocious war, then you won't need a seasoned Captain. If you've settled in your mind to live as though this is a fairly neutral world and you are simply trying to live your life the best you can, then you can probably get by with the Christianity of tips and techniques. Maybe. I'll give you a fifty-fifty chance. But if you intend to live in the Story that God is telling, and if you want the life he offers, then you are going to need more than a handful of principles, however noble they may be. There are too many twists and turns in the road ahead, too many ambushes waiting only God knows where, too much at stake. You cannot possibly prepare yourself for every situation. Narrow is the way, said Jesus. How shall we be sure to find it? We need God intimately, and we need him desperately.
"You have made known to me the path of life," David said (Ps. 16:11). Yes - that's it. In all the ins and outs of this thing we call living, there is one narrow path to life, and we need help finding it.
What is Discipleship?
On the other hand, there is what we have come to accept as discipleship. A friend of mine recently handed me a program from a large and successful church somewhere in the Midwest. It's a rather exemplary model of what the idea has fallen to. Their plan for discipleship involves, first, becoming a member of this particular church. Then they encourage you to take a course on doctrine. Be "faithful" in attending the Sunday morning service and a small group fellowship. Complete a special course on Christian growth. Live a life that demonstrates clear evidence of spiritual growth. Complete a class on evangelism. Consistently look for opportunities to evangelize. Complete a course on finances, one on marriage, and another on parenting (provided that you are married or a parent). Complete a leadership training course, a hermeneutics course, a course on spiritual gifts, and another on biblical counseling. Participate in missions. Carry a significant local church ministry "load."
You're probably surprised that I would question this sort of program; most churches are trying to get their folks to complete something like this, one way or another. No doubt a great deal of helpful information is passed on. My goodness, you could earn an MBA with less effort. But let me ask you: A program like this - does it teach a person how to apply principles, or how to walk with God? They are not the same thing. Change the content and any cult could do this. I mean, Gandhi was a remarkable man; so was Lao-tzu, Confucius, or Thomas Jefferson. They all had principles for a better life. But only Christianity can teach you to walk with God.
We forfeit that birthright when we take folks through a discipleship program whereby they master any number of Christian precepts and miss this most important thing of all, the very thing for which we were created: intimacy with God. There are, after all, those troubling words Jesus spoke to those who where doing all the "right" things: "Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you'" (Matt 7:23). Knowing God. That's the point.
You might recall the old proverb: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." The same holds true here. Teach a man a rule and you help him solve a problem; teach a man to walk with God and you help hom solve the rest of his life. Truth be told, you couldn't master enough principles to see you safely through this Story. There are too many surprises, ambiguities, exceptions to the rule. Things are hard at work - is it time to make a move? Things are hard at home - is this just a phase your son is going through, or should you be more concerned? You can't seem to shake this depression - is it medical or something darker? What does the future hold for you - and how should you respond?
Only by walking with God can we hope to find the path that leads to life. That is what it means to be a disciple. After all - aren't we "followers of Christ"? Then by all means, let's actually follow him. Not ideas about him. Not just his principles. Him.
---- john eldredge, Waking the Dead, pp 95-96
please do not read this as an indictment against the ring. far from it. it's more a heart quest to understand how this all fits together. what are correct and biblical expectations for me to carry into a community group? who is discipling the older ones? how are the older ones supposed to disciple the younger if they aren't being discipled? it's a struggle in my mind, and one that the passage quoted above begins to address. i need to look to Him. got it. who is going to show me how to do that? who is going to show me the deeper things that await me in this walk with Jesus? am i to take from this passage that i am to walk alone with Him? no, i don't think so. i need to learn how to walk with Him as much as the next (read "younger") person.
as Jesus said, narrow is the path, and i really need help finding it. i need help staying on it. i need someone to pull me forward as i reach back to pull someone else along. our core beliefs sound great on paper. how do they play out in real life? what does that really look like? that's the great and frustrating part of being such a baby church. we get to participate in the hard part - where the vision He gave the elders 8 years ago comes to fruition and we get to figure it out as we go. Jesus, lead on. we will follow.
listen to what john eldredge has to say about discipleship:
If you're not pursuing a dangerous quest with your life, well, then, you don't need a Guide. If you haven't found yourself in the midst of a ferocious war, then you won't need a seasoned Captain. If you've settled in your mind to live as though this is a fairly neutral world and you are simply trying to live your life the best you can, then you can probably get by with the Christianity of tips and techniques. Maybe. I'll give you a fifty-fifty chance. But if you intend to live in the Story that God is telling, and if you want the life he offers, then you are going to need more than a handful of principles, however noble they may be. There are too many twists and turns in the road ahead, too many ambushes waiting only God knows where, too much at stake. You cannot possibly prepare yourself for every situation. Narrow is the way, said Jesus. How shall we be sure to find it? We need God intimately, and we need him desperately.
"You have made known to me the path of life," David said (Ps. 16:11). Yes - that's it. In all the ins and outs of this thing we call living, there is one narrow path to life, and we need help finding it.
What is Discipleship?
On the other hand, there is what we have come to accept as discipleship. A friend of mine recently handed me a program from a large and successful church somewhere in the Midwest. It's a rather exemplary model of what the idea has fallen to. Their plan for discipleship involves, first, becoming a member of this particular church. Then they encourage you to take a course on doctrine. Be "faithful" in attending the Sunday morning service and a small group fellowship. Complete a special course on Christian growth. Live a life that demonstrates clear evidence of spiritual growth. Complete a class on evangelism. Consistently look for opportunities to evangelize. Complete a course on finances, one on marriage, and another on parenting (provided that you are married or a parent). Complete a leadership training course, a hermeneutics course, a course on spiritual gifts, and another on biblical counseling. Participate in missions. Carry a significant local church ministry "load."
You're probably surprised that I would question this sort of program; most churches are trying to get their folks to complete something like this, one way or another. No doubt a great deal of helpful information is passed on. My goodness, you could earn an MBA with less effort. But let me ask you: A program like this - does it teach a person how to apply principles, or how to walk with God? They are not the same thing. Change the content and any cult could do this. I mean, Gandhi was a remarkable man; so was Lao-tzu, Confucius, or Thomas Jefferson. They all had principles for a better life. But only Christianity can teach you to walk with God.
We forfeit that birthright when we take folks through a discipleship program whereby they master any number of Christian precepts and miss this most important thing of all, the very thing for which we were created: intimacy with God. There are, after all, those troubling words Jesus spoke to those who where doing all the "right" things: "Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you'" (Matt 7:23). Knowing God. That's the point.
You might recall the old proverb: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." The same holds true here. Teach a man a rule and you help him solve a problem; teach a man to walk with God and you help hom solve the rest of his life. Truth be told, you couldn't master enough principles to see you safely through this Story. There are too many surprises, ambiguities, exceptions to the rule. Things are hard at work - is it time to make a move? Things are hard at home - is this just a phase your son is going through, or should you be more concerned? You can't seem to shake this depression - is it medical or something darker? What does the future hold for you - and how should you respond?
Only by walking with God can we hope to find the path that leads to life. That is what it means to be a disciple. After all - aren't we "followers of Christ"? Then by all means, let's actually follow him. Not ideas about him. Not just his principles. Him.
---- john eldredge, Waking the Dead, pp 95-96
please do not read this as an indictment against the ring. far from it. it's more a heart quest to understand how this all fits together. what are correct and biblical expectations for me to carry into a community group? who is discipling the older ones? how are the older ones supposed to disciple the younger if they aren't being discipled? it's a struggle in my mind, and one that the passage quoted above begins to address. i need to look to Him. got it. who is going to show me how to do that? who is going to show me the deeper things that await me in this walk with Jesus? am i to take from this passage that i am to walk alone with Him? no, i don't think so. i need to learn how to walk with Him as much as the next (read "younger") person.
as Jesus said, narrow is the path, and i really need help finding it. i need help staying on it. i need someone to pull me forward as i reach back to pull someone else along. our core beliefs sound great on paper. how do they play out in real life? what does that really look like? that's the great and frustrating part of being such a baby church. we get to participate in the hard part - where the vision He gave the elders 8 years ago comes to fruition and we get to figure it out as we go. Jesus, lead on. we will follow.
5.16.2006
brush strokes
coming to the realization that i need to get a grip is not the same thing as actually getting a grip.
as i continue to come up for air and climb out of this place, i'm beginning to realize that life is a constant battle and looking for the end of the current skirmish is useless. paul warns us repeatedly that our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against the unseen forces of evil around us. Lief Enger writes that, "We and the world, my children, will always be at war. Retreat is impossible. Arm yourselves." C.S. Lewis writes in Mere Christianity, "One of the things that surprised me when I first read the New Testament seriously was that it talked so much about a Dark Power in the universe - a mighty evil spirit who was held to be the Power behind death and disease, and sin. The difference is that Christianity thinks this Dark Power was created by God, and was good when he created it, and went wrong. Christianity agrees... this universe is at war."
the Lord spoke to me through josh sunday night. surrender is the word of the day, and consistent with the way my team prayed for me in mexico. in surrendering to Him, He will equip me to step back into the battle, where i belong. there is something that He wants me to let go of, but damned if i know what it is. i'm not intentionally holding anything from Him. in fact, i'm trying very hard to wear this new suit of humility, but it doesn't fit quite right.
thinking through that, i've realized that it does not fit because i'm trying to imitate the way i see it displayed in the lives of those i love. imitating Christ's humility is a beautifully multi-faceted process, and i'm learning that it's ok for my life, my faith and my humility to be uniquely from Him - that is, in fact, where it's supposed to come from. i've found that my faith does not look like anyone else's - and it's not supposed to. i've tried to imitate the humility that i see in the lives of my friends and it just does not work. it doesn't work because it isn't me.
funny how some of the people who read my blog avoided meeting my eyes sunday night. funny how honesty makes some of you uncomfortable. that's ok with me.
i find that my spirit is screaming louder than my flesh, for a change. galatians 5:1 says that it is for freedom that Christ set us free. if that's true, and we all know that it is, it stands to reason that i'm balking because i feel oppressed by the enemy and repressed by judgment and religion within the church. here me loud and clear - i do not look like you. i don't want to look like you. i admire and love you, but i am not you.
my heart is ferocious, passionate and bold. i cannot pretend to be otherwise. i refuse to be yoked with the burden of mediocrity. i refuse to be placed in a mold that makes everyone around me breathe a little easier. if my life challenges you, praise God. if my life convicts you, praise God. each of your lives challenges and convicts me, and i praise His name everyday for that.
humility in my life is not going to look like anyone else that i know. we are all wired differently, and i'm ok with that. we are all beautifully and wonderfully made - in His image - we are all brush strokes on a canvas that form a complete portrait of His face... and what a beautiful portrait it is.
Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O LORD my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
-Psalm 86:11-12
as i continue to come up for air and climb out of this place, i'm beginning to realize that life is a constant battle and looking for the end of the current skirmish is useless. paul warns us repeatedly that our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against the unseen forces of evil around us. Lief Enger writes that, "We and the world, my children, will always be at war. Retreat is impossible. Arm yourselves." C.S. Lewis writes in Mere Christianity, "One of the things that surprised me when I first read the New Testament seriously was that it talked so much about a Dark Power in the universe - a mighty evil spirit who was held to be the Power behind death and disease, and sin. The difference is that Christianity thinks this Dark Power was created by God, and was good when he created it, and went wrong. Christianity agrees... this universe is at war."
the Lord spoke to me through josh sunday night. surrender is the word of the day, and consistent with the way my team prayed for me in mexico. in surrendering to Him, He will equip me to step back into the battle, where i belong. there is something that He wants me to let go of, but damned if i know what it is. i'm not intentionally holding anything from Him. in fact, i'm trying very hard to wear this new suit of humility, but it doesn't fit quite right.
thinking through that, i've realized that it does not fit because i'm trying to imitate the way i see it displayed in the lives of those i love. imitating Christ's humility is a beautifully multi-faceted process, and i'm learning that it's ok for my life, my faith and my humility to be uniquely from Him - that is, in fact, where it's supposed to come from. i've found that my faith does not look like anyone else's - and it's not supposed to. i've tried to imitate the humility that i see in the lives of my friends and it just does not work. it doesn't work because it isn't me.
funny how some of the people who read my blog avoided meeting my eyes sunday night. funny how honesty makes some of you uncomfortable. that's ok with me.
i find that my spirit is screaming louder than my flesh, for a change. galatians 5:1 says that it is for freedom that Christ set us free. if that's true, and we all know that it is, it stands to reason that i'm balking because i feel oppressed by the enemy and repressed by judgment and religion within the church. here me loud and clear - i do not look like you. i don't want to look like you. i admire and love you, but i am not you.
my heart is ferocious, passionate and bold. i cannot pretend to be otherwise. i refuse to be yoked with the burden of mediocrity. i refuse to be placed in a mold that makes everyone around me breathe a little easier. if my life challenges you, praise God. if my life convicts you, praise God. each of your lives challenges and convicts me, and i praise His name everyday for that.
humility in my life is not going to look like anyone else that i know. we are all wired differently, and i'm ok with that. we are all beautifully and wonderfully made - in His image - we are all brush strokes on a canvas that form a complete portrait of His face... and what a beautiful portrait it is.
Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O LORD my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
-Psalm 86:11-12
5.13.2006
one more time
as my grief process runs it's course, it's time to decide what to do with the rest of my life. what's the next step? find a new job? go back to school at 33? take a break and decide later? get married and be done with it all?
all are options, but only one rings true and brings me peace. guess who just applied to the graduate school at lsu? that would be yours truly. i don't have a clue what i'll be studying yet, but it's a step in the right direction and i'm more excited than i care to admit.
funny how i didn't feel out of place on campus yesterday. funny how i've been surrounded by 20-somethings for 3 years now and it's just a part of my life that i know is from Him. this is just one more way He is proving that He sees the big picture and i don't - one more way He has been equipping me for this next season.
what's ironically funny to me is that all the students i know hate projects and exams. the reality is that the difference between work and school is that you get paid for one and you pay for the other. you still have projects, tests, timelines and stress. going in the opposite direction from everyone else - as is typical for me - from work to school - brings a sense of excitement and anticipation... now, if i can just figure out what He wants me to study, i'll be doing good.
yeah, i know. His timing, right?
another cool aspect to this new turn of events is that i get to experience school as me - not as a wife - and believe me, there is a huge difference. i get to go to games (in the student section, no less!), i get to stay at school to study and work on projects, i get to take off-campus classes out in the field, i get to participate in any extra-curricular activity that my schedule will allow - i get to be a student on His terms, not my ex's. how awesome is that???
i've been given yet another opportunity to make a difference with my life - for Him and His glory. i've got a month until classes start and i cannot wait... remind me of that when i start complaining about projects and timelines...
all are options, but only one rings true and brings me peace. guess who just applied to the graduate school at lsu? that would be yours truly. i don't have a clue what i'll be studying yet, but it's a step in the right direction and i'm more excited than i care to admit.
funny how i didn't feel out of place on campus yesterday. funny how i've been surrounded by 20-somethings for 3 years now and it's just a part of my life that i know is from Him. this is just one more way He is proving that He sees the big picture and i don't - one more way He has been equipping me for this next season.
what's ironically funny to me is that all the students i know hate projects and exams. the reality is that the difference between work and school is that you get paid for one and you pay for the other. you still have projects, tests, timelines and stress. going in the opposite direction from everyone else - as is typical for me - from work to school - brings a sense of excitement and anticipation... now, if i can just figure out what He wants me to study, i'll be doing good.
yeah, i know. His timing, right?
another cool aspect to this new turn of events is that i get to experience school as me - not as a wife - and believe me, there is a huge difference. i get to go to games (in the student section, no less!), i get to stay at school to study and work on projects, i get to take off-campus classes out in the field, i get to participate in any extra-curricular activity that my schedule will allow - i get to be a student on His terms, not my ex's. how awesome is that???
i've been given yet another opportunity to make a difference with my life - for Him and His glory. i've got a month until classes start and i cannot wait... remind me of that when i start complaining about projects and timelines...
5.11.2006
enough, already
so i need to get a grip. apparently this is a daily thing that must happen in my life.
katie and i were talking between the last 2 posts. she asked me if i had any peace about any decisions i may have made in regards to leaving community group or the ring. i definitely have no peace, and have not for quite a while now. she was somewhat disappointed, knowing that i would be at peace even with a hard decision, if it was from the Lord. waking up crying can in no way be construed as being at peace. more out of frustration than anything, i read her the email that i referenced in the last post. her immediate comment was that it sounded like it could have been written today. agreeing with her, i followed her thought with one of my own, commenting that spending a year in that place was WAY too long... that place of no peace, little grace, and in constant battle with the Lord over my role in the Body... and hello, in walks the Lord, smack dab into the middle of the conversation and into my heart.
it seems i have a bit of an issue with embracing my role as an intercessor as "enough". yeah, i'm cringing from the pride in that statement, too.
interestingly, the email in reference is the one that helped identify my gift of intercession. i can't believe i didn't see that one coming from a mile away. damned if the enemy hasn't had a field day with this. take some pride and mix it with a need for self-gratification by means of recognition from my leadership at the ring, and viola! you have the perfect recipe for defeat...
well... how did Jesus combat the enemy of God? with Truth. more on that in a minute...
i know this post is all out of whack, but i'm vibrating inside at the moment, so please bear with me. before katie and i talked, i was cleaning out my bible. for those of you who know me, you know that's quite a big deal. i have 3 years worth of ring notes, prayer requests, cards, pictures... even a third day concert ticket. the amount of paper stuffed into the pockets had more than doubled the size of my bible. anyway... i was accomplishing 2 things - reducing the amount of stuff inside so that i can actually close it, and i was trying to cut ties with the ring in a tangible way. interestingly, i kept a couple of key things in there that i could not bear to part with - a letter from john eldredge, and a couple of "firsts" from the launch of the ring community church - namely our core beliefs, our prayer needs, our very first prayer request card and our very first tithe envelope. now really, how difficult is it to see where my heart is, even in an act of pulling away? who am i kidding?
before katie and i talked, nate and i were on im all afternoon, discussing this place that i cannot seem to leave - both literally and spiritually. he had red flags going up everywhere every time i mentioned leaving the ring, as did i. to say that we were both very sad is a gross understatement. katie's question about peace in making these decisions stopped me cold in my tracks.
last night we were talking about all this, and i told her about a passage of Scripture that He pointed me to on a couple of occasions while i was in florida. i was praying one night, asking the Lord for something, anything to point me in the right direction. i flipped my bible open and it landed in 1 samuel. my eyes landed on the story of david and goliath, and i read straight through to 2 samuel where david becomes king of israel. good stuff, but it didn't seem particularly applicable. my attention was drawn to some notes i had written in the section prior to the fight with goliath. "the right what with the wrong why is useless" and "partial obedience is still disobedience - He demands total, heartfelt obedience" both written in reference to 1 samuel 15:22 where samuel is rebuking saul for not obeying the LORD's instructions to the letter. my mind flitted over that, but didn't settle on any one thing that i was ready to admit to being intentionally disobedient about, so i let it go. another night, He brought me to the same passage, and the same notes. hmmm...
here's another interesting twist. the only other thing that i put aside from my bible cleaning venture is a list of passages on peace that meg passed out in sunday school a couple of weeks ago... i think the Lord has been setting me up for a while now, preparing and equipping me for this moment.
i'm slightly embarrassed - chagrined is probably a better word - by this ongoing and very public battle. however, i am more than happy to capitulate, admit to disobedience and pride and GET ON WITH IT. the enemy has had me tied up in knots of frustration and self-glorification quite long enough. there are reparations to be made, collateral damage to be undone and a new suit of humility to try on. i think this time it just might fit.
katie and i were talking between the last 2 posts. she asked me if i had any peace about any decisions i may have made in regards to leaving community group or the ring. i definitely have no peace, and have not for quite a while now. she was somewhat disappointed, knowing that i would be at peace even with a hard decision, if it was from the Lord. waking up crying can in no way be construed as being at peace. more out of frustration than anything, i read her the email that i referenced in the last post. her immediate comment was that it sounded like it could have been written today. agreeing with her, i followed her thought with one of my own, commenting that spending a year in that place was WAY too long... that place of no peace, little grace, and in constant battle with the Lord over my role in the Body... and hello, in walks the Lord, smack dab into the middle of the conversation and into my heart.
it seems i have a bit of an issue with embracing my role as an intercessor as "enough". yeah, i'm cringing from the pride in that statement, too.
interestingly, the email in reference is the one that helped identify my gift of intercession. i can't believe i didn't see that one coming from a mile away. damned if the enemy hasn't had a field day with this. take some pride and mix it with a need for self-gratification by means of recognition from my leadership at the ring, and viola! you have the perfect recipe for defeat...
well... how did Jesus combat the enemy of God? with Truth. more on that in a minute...
i know this post is all out of whack, but i'm vibrating inside at the moment, so please bear with me. before katie and i talked, i was cleaning out my bible. for those of you who know me, you know that's quite a big deal. i have 3 years worth of ring notes, prayer requests, cards, pictures... even a third day concert ticket. the amount of paper stuffed into the pockets had more than doubled the size of my bible. anyway... i was accomplishing 2 things - reducing the amount of stuff inside so that i can actually close it, and i was trying to cut ties with the ring in a tangible way. interestingly, i kept a couple of key things in there that i could not bear to part with - a letter from john eldredge, and a couple of "firsts" from the launch of the ring community church - namely our core beliefs, our prayer needs, our very first prayer request card and our very first tithe envelope. now really, how difficult is it to see where my heart is, even in an act of pulling away? who am i kidding?
before katie and i talked, nate and i were on im all afternoon, discussing this place that i cannot seem to leave - both literally and spiritually. he had red flags going up everywhere every time i mentioned leaving the ring, as did i. to say that we were both very sad is a gross understatement. katie's question about peace in making these decisions stopped me cold in my tracks.
last night we were talking about all this, and i told her about a passage of Scripture that He pointed me to on a couple of occasions while i was in florida. i was praying one night, asking the Lord for something, anything to point me in the right direction. i flipped my bible open and it landed in 1 samuel. my eyes landed on the story of david and goliath, and i read straight through to 2 samuel where david becomes king of israel. good stuff, but it didn't seem particularly applicable. my attention was drawn to some notes i had written in the section prior to the fight with goliath. "the right what with the wrong why is useless" and "partial obedience is still disobedience - He demands total, heartfelt obedience" both written in reference to 1 samuel 15:22 where samuel is rebuking saul for not obeying the LORD's instructions to the letter. my mind flitted over that, but didn't settle on any one thing that i was ready to admit to being intentionally disobedient about, so i let it go. another night, He brought me to the same passage, and the same notes. hmmm...
here's another interesting twist. the only other thing that i put aside from my bible cleaning venture is a list of passages on peace that meg passed out in sunday school a couple of weeks ago... i think the Lord has been setting me up for a while now, preparing and equipping me for this moment.
i'm slightly embarrassed - chagrined is probably a better word - by this ongoing and very public battle. however, i am more than happy to capitulate, admit to disobedience and pride and GET ON WITH IT. the enemy has had me tied up in knots of frustration and self-glorification quite long enough. there are reparations to be made, collateral damage to be undone and a new suit of humility to try on. i think this time it just might fit.
here
continuing from the last post - "here" is a relative term, i've discovered.
i came across an email written by me in august 2005 - almost a year ago - and it could have been written today. it describes, to the t, exactly where i find myself today. when i said i don't belong here, i meant at the ring. i also meant baton rouge. reading that email, i've realized that "here" is a spiritual place, not a church or a city.
that's huge. as in epiphany huge. as in God showed up in a hurry on this one. wow.
i'm not saying that all is well in my world. i am saying that He is stepping in at a critical moment, and i am so thankful i'm afraid to breathe.
o praise You, Jesus.
i came across an email written by me in august 2005 - almost a year ago - and it could have been written today. it describes, to the t, exactly where i find myself today. when i said i don't belong here, i meant at the ring. i also meant baton rouge. reading that email, i've realized that "here" is a spiritual place, not a church or a city.
that's huge. as in epiphany huge. as in God showed up in a hurry on this one. wow.
i'm not saying that all is well in my world. i am saying that He is stepping in at a critical moment, and i am so thankful i'm afraid to breathe.
o praise You, Jesus.
severed
i did a lot of thinking while i was away. one consistent theme is that HE has seen fit to sever most of my ties here in baton rouge. no job, no home, lots of suffering friendships and unexpected changes of heart.
i don't belong here anymore. i don't know why or even when that happened, i just know it to be true.
in thinking through that, it occured to me that my life can be viewed in 3-year cycles, going back at least 21 years that i can really remember. i am approaching the end of this current 3-year cycle since i've been involved in the ring. i thought that i had finally found my home - my place in the world and in the Body of Christ.
apparently not. there is too much hurt here. i can no longer believe that my being here is of HIM.
this is not a woe-is-me post. this is an honest assessment of what i believe HE is doing in my life. i think HE is preparing me for the next season... whatever that means - and where-ever that is. my constant prayer is that i stay in tune with HIS voice and am able to clearly distinguish it from the rest of the voices in my head.
josh jokingly called me a nomad a few weeks back. i'm sure he didn't have a clue how close he came to nailing it.
i don't belong here anymore. i don't know why or even when that happened, i just know it to be true.
in thinking through that, it occured to me that my life can be viewed in 3-year cycles, going back at least 21 years that i can really remember. i am approaching the end of this current 3-year cycle since i've been involved in the ring. i thought that i had finally found my home - my place in the world and in the Body of Christ.
apparently not. there is too much hurt here. i can no longer believe that my being here is of HIM.
this is not a woe-is-me post. this is an honest assessment of what i believe HE is doing in my life. i think HE is preparing me for the next season... whatever that means - and where-ever that is. my constant prayer is that i stay in tune with HIS voice and am able to clearly distinguish it from the rest of the voices in my head.
josh jokingly called me a nomad a few weeks back. i'm sure he didn't have a clue how close he came to nailing it.
change of name
it occured to me that HIS light is not shining brightly through me - more like a smoldering glow. it also occured to me that, unintentionally, the previous title was more than a little arrogant.
so... welcome to snippets of my life. they will never tell the whole story, but hopefully, they will always point back to HIM.
so... welcome to snippets of my life. they will never tell the whole story, but hopefully, they will always point back to HIM.
5.03.2006
found
it's been a month to the day since my last post. to put it mildly - it's been a rough time.
there may be a time when i feel the need to expound on the battle i've been fighting, but not today. briefly, i've been battling with the Lord - a battle i know i'm going to lose - but a battle i have to fight, none-the-less. i've been rendered completely ineffective for His Kingdom, and have been, quite honestly, very selfish and inward focused.
this post is about grace. His grace. it's also about intimacy - physical and spiritual. so, be warned. this is going to be very personal, very intimate and quite possibly "r" rated. it's your decision to continue reading.
i choose to allow Him to heal me. i choose to trust Him. i choose to experience the hurt later on, in order to experience His healing now. i choose not to question my Lord, but rather to lay my heart bare before Him, knowing that He knows far better than i what i need.
there may be a time when i feel the need to expound on the battle i've been fighting, but not today. briefly, i've been battling with the Lord - a battle i know i'm going to lose - but a battle i have to fight, none-the-less. i've been rendered completely ineffective for His Kingdom, and have been, quite honestly, very selfish and inward focused.
this post is about grace. His grace. it's also about intimacy - physical and spiritual. so, be warned. this is going to be very personal, very intimate and quite possibly "r" rated. it's your decision to continue reading.
i mentioned that i have been battling the Lord for quite a while now. i've been very angry with Him. i've been pouting. i've been very defiant and completely devoid of grace. all this a culmination of circumstances beginning in january with the death of my cousin, and ending with being laid off, unable to take the break i need (as i define need) and living with my mother at 33 years of age. yes - it's an honest statement to say that i am pissed off at the Lord. it's ok, kids - He can handle my anger - i've been much angrier than this with Him, i assure you.
in the midst of this anger, He remains steady and unpredictable. typical.
i met with Him the other night, very unexpectdly and very intimately. here's the part where if you have any religious or legalistic tendencies in your faith, you may want to stop reading.
i want to introduce you to my Jesus - the all-encompassing, all-consuming, ever-present, ever-loving Jesus. He showed up rather unexpectedly the other night. although He was invited, i've stopped expecting Him to show up - faithless, i know, but an accurate statement. He showed up in a way that i did not expect Him to. nor did i expect Him to do what He did.
in the interest of privacy, i'll limit the description to the work He did in my heart. in a time where i've defined what i need from Him, He shows up and ministers in a completely unexpected way - a way that i have not recently asked Him, nor expected Him, to show up. i need Him to show up in many ways, but not in this way, in this time. He showed up to heal some very, very old wounds. intimate wounds that i left on the back burner, expecting Him to heal them at a much later, more "appropriate" time in my life for these specific wounds. i'm talking about deeply intimate wounds - wounds that began when i was 12 and have been twisted and scarred and re-opened and never healed. yes, we're talking about s-e-x.
gasp. "wait!" you cry. "s-e-x outside of marriage is a sin. Jesus would not show up in the midst of sin. you must be completely inundated with lies from the enemy. ann, you have lost your mind. we're calling an intervention."
but no. i have not lost my mind - i have found Jesus again. He came to me in the midst of an opportunity to sin, and used the intimacy of that situation to minister very tenderly to His battle-weary, scarred and wounded child. He has begun to heal my heart (and according to what He showed katie, He's begun to heal my body, too - but that 's a different story for a different time).
interestingly, He's chosen a man to carry out His healing work in my heart - a man who is leaving this place within a year. He's healing wounds, and asking me to trust Him to chose the method, knowing the hurt will run deeply when he leaves. He's asking me to trust Him with that hurt, too, when it comes.i choose to allow Him to heal me. i choose to trust Him. i choose to experience the hurt later on, in order to experience His healing now. i choose not to question my Lord, but rather to lay my heart bare before Him, knowing that He knows far better than i what i need.
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