enough, already

so i need to get a grip. apparently this is a daily thing that must happen in my life.

katie and i were talking between the last 2 posts. she asked me if i had any peace about any decisions i may have made in regards to leaving community group or the ring. i definitely have no peace, and have not for quite a while now. she was somewhat disappointed, knowing that i would be at peace even with a hard decision, if it was from the Lord. waking up crying can in no way be construed as being at peace. more out of frustration than anything, i read her the email that i referenced in the last post. her immediate comment was that it sounded like it could have been written today. agreeing with her, i followed her thought with one of my own, commenting that spending a year in that place was WAY too long... that place of no peace, little grace, and in constant battle with the Lord over my role in the Body... and hello, in walks the Lord, smack dab into the middle of the conversation and into my heart.

it seems i have a bit of an issue with embracing my role as an intercessor as "enough". yeah, i'm cringing from the pride in that statement, too.

interestingly, the email in reference is the one that helped identify my gift of intercession. i can't believe i didn't see that one coming from a mile away. damned if the enemy hasn't had a field day with this. take some pride and mix it with a need for self-gratification by means of recognition from my leadership at the ring, and viola! you have the perfect recipe for defeat...

well... how did Jesus combat the enemy of God? with Truth. more on that in a minute...

i know this post is all out of whack, but i'm vibrating inside at the moment, so please bear with me. before katie and i talked, i was cleaning out my bible. for those of you who know me, you know that's quite a big deal. i have 3 years worth of ring notes, prayer requests, cards, pictures... even a third day concert ticket. the amount of paper stuffed into the pockets had more than doubled the size of my bible. anyway... i was accomplishing 2 things - reducing the amount of stuff inside so that i can actually close it, and i was trying to cut ties with the ring in a tangible way. interestingly, i kept a couple of key things in there that i could not bear to part with - a letter from john eldredge, and a couple of "firsts" from the launch of the ring community church - namely our core beliefs, our prayer needs, our very first prayer request card and our very first tithe envelope. now really, how difficult is it to see where my heart is, even in an act of pulling away? who am i kidding?

before katie and i talked, nate and i were on im all afternoon, discussing this place that i cannot seem to leave - both literally and spiritually. he had red flags going up everywhere every time i mentioned leaving the ring, as did i. to say that we were both very sad is a gross understatement. katie's question about peace in making these decisions stopped me cold in my tracks.

last night we were talking about all this, and i told her about a passage of Scripture that He pointed me to on a couple of occasions while i was in florida. i was praying one night, asking the Lord for something, anything to point me in the right direction. i flipped my bible open and it landed in 1 samuel. my eyes landed on the story of david and goliath, and i read straight through to 2 samuel where david becomes king of israel. good stuff, but it didn't seem particularly applicable. my attention was drawn to some notes i had written in the section prior to the fight with goliath. "the right what with the wrong why is useless" and "partial obedience is still disobedience - He demands total, heartfelt obedience" both written in reference to 1 samuel 15:22 where samuel is rebuking saul for not obeying the LORD's instructions to the letter. my mind flitted over that, but didn't settle on any one thing that i was ready to admit to being intentionally disobedient about, so i let it go. another night, He brought me to the same passage, and the same notes. hmmm...

here's another interesting twist. the only other thing that i put aside from my bible cleaning venture is a list of passages on peace that meg passed out in sunday school a couple of weeks ago... i think the Lord has been setting me up for a while now, preparing and equipping me for this moment.

i'm slightly embarrassed - chagrined is probably a better word - by this ongoing and very public battle. however, i am more than happy to capitulate, admit to disobedience and pride and GET ON WITH IT. the enemy has had me tied up in knots of frustration and self-glorification quite long enough. there are reparations to be made, collateral damage to be undone and a new suit of humility to try on. i think this time it just might fit.