wrath

josh has been speaking on love for the past few weeks; initially on how we express our love to Him, even as He loves us. this past sunday, he began speaking about loving our neighbors - about how our love for Him should overflow into the lives around us - that there should not be a stopping point for those we are willing to love.

here's my question - what about the ones that don't, won't or can't receive love from us? what do we **realistically** do about loving them?

i ask this because i have become the object of my neighbor's wrath - literally. she thinks i'm the devil incarnate. she believes that i am brain-washing, poisoning and abusing my mom. psychologically, i realize that she is deeply depressed, deeply grieving and striking out at the world around her... and has made overt attempts at ugliness and pity, depending on her mood that day (or that hour...) it's created a horribly awkward living condition for my mom and me, and for her, as well, i'm sure.

i really don't feel like going into the whole story, and i'm not sure the details are the point. suffice it to say that we have had a verbal altercation that was brutally ugly and hurtful, and she continues to ambush my mom when i'm gone, telling her how much i suck. imagine the position that puts my mother in... it infuriates me. the sunday school answer is to love her anyway. ok, what does that look like? responding to ridiculous 'for sale' signs hung on her door? reacting to her continuous bombardment of my mom? no, i don't think so. as a matter of fact, i think the most loving thing we can do is NOT react to her antics.

here's the hardest part of all - she hates me because i'm a christian... and she claims the name of Christ. infighting is horrible and hurtful and damn it, damaging to Christ's reputation - the Bride should not be fighting amongst Herself. apparently her church let her down - did not perform to her expectations - when her husband died, and she has become a bitter, angry, abusive, controlling, desperately unhappy child of God. (let that be a warning, huh?)

so, what to do? once i allowed the Holy Spirit to talk me out of kicking her door in, i've been in "pray and wait" mode. this has been going on for 8 or 9 weeks now. katie says we need to show her tangible love. i disagree. knowing her mental state, (and you have to trust me here - she is too far gone for me to help her) i know that she desperately needs non-reaction (non-affirmation of her behavior) and professional counselling - and a whole lot of Jesus. but, do i bear some responsibility here? how do i show her Christ's love when all she does is sneer and spit?

i don't have any answers, but i do know that the God of the Universe is pursuing his child, and for whatever reason, He has me here... according to her, to make her life a living hell. she's done a good job of doing that to herself - i just happen to be the current object of her wrath. if it weren't me, it would be someone else. don't get me wrong - i am not afraid of confrontation - i would go talk to her IF i knew that He sent me, and had gone before me to prepare her heart to receive me.

one of the questions josh asked the other night pertained to the golden rule. how would i want someone to treat me (or love me) in this situation? i'm pretty sure that i would not want to be left here to rot in my self-pity and bitter rage...

in a MUCH scaled-down version of her situation, i have, over the past several months, been in a slow downward spiral of faith and trust, with the resulting improper expectations, tantrums, bitterness, hurt and the proverbial giving God the finger. heeding her situation as a serious warning, i'm drawn to seek Him out on this. more personal, i guess... a couple of months ago, in talking with my leadership, the common question they kept asking me was, "what do you need from us?" i could not give them an answer. a little farther along in the process, i know that i need (present tense) "praying down the Kingdom of Heaven, kicking some serious demon butt, hands-on" prayer. i know that my community has been praying for me, but i'm beginning to realize that it's the tangible, touchable acts of love that really speak to my heart.

in thinking about what my neighbor needs from me... what if she needs the same thing? oh, how my heart hesitates over that thought. trying to view her as my leadership viewed me, and trying to draw parallels, i see that they reached out to me to a certain extent, and then left it to me. who knows if that was that right or wrong approach? in His hands, all He cares about is that there was an approach at all... so, trying to apply this to my neighbor - how do i even begin to reach out? do i wait her out?

as hesitant as my heart is over the prospect of taking the initiative to love her tangibly, i have visions of her completely freed from her grief and rage, full of the joy of the Lord and radiant. only He can do that - in both of us. how He is going to cause that to come about, and what my role in her life is supposed to look like, only He knows at the moment. of this i am sure - He wants both of us completely free, so that we can love Him completely.

Lord, show us the way to You.