anyway

i find myself at a point in my life where absolutely nothing makes sense, and life as i knew it no longer exists. i've yet to decide if this is a good thing or not... however, if i truly believe that God is sovereign and good, then it follows that all the things that are happening to me are ultimately for my benefit and His glory.

as hurt keeps rolling my way, i'm trying to learn to embrace it, like Jesus did at lazarus' tomb. what did He do? He wept. He accepted the pain, allowed Himself to feel every nuance of it and lived fully in that moment. but here's the thing - He didn't stay in that moment. He embraced it, experienced it, and moved on.

well. i've got the weeping part down (much to my chagrin). the only saving grace here is that i don't just weep for me - i weep for my friends who are going through so much. at a time in my life where it would be SO much easier to harden my heart and run away, i choose to keep it open to Him and to stay put. don't get me wrong - that's a daily decision - sometimes an hourly one. here's the thing - before He brought me to the ring, before learning to walk daily with the Lord, i existed for so long with walls around my heart, and that's a not-good place to be. notice i existed, i survived - i was not living. st. ireaneus said that the glory of God is man fully alive. giving in and becoming hard and unavailable again is not the answer - it is not Life.

i've experienced the hurt. i'm trying to embrace it. i'm ready to move on. i want to live and love every moment of every day. mostly, i want to know Him. i want to experience Him full throttle. i want to rest in Him. i want to laugh with Him. i want to dance before Him. i want to weep with Him. i want to serve Him. i want to love Him with everything that i am. i want to love on my friends, to minister and to fight and to weep and to laugh and to counsel... i've been taken out, and i'm sorry for that. "not that i have obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but i press on..."

josh said sunday that he desires that anyone who walks through the doors of the ring truly know and see the love of God through His people. funny that. that's EXACTLY what drew me to the ring. i stepped into the sanctuary and saw a room full of people that openly loved Jesus and one another, and i desperately wanted to be a part of that. the sick part - the defeated part - is that i still look into that place every sunday night and desire to belong.

so where is the disconnect? what happened? why do i still feel so separate from those who love the Lord and the ring as much as i do? i really don't know. honestly. i don't know what happened along the way that caused me to remain separate and distant from those i love so much. why is it so hard to become part of the Love and the Life that i saw, and still see, in that room, in that Body? what flaw exists within me that will not allow this to happen? Lord, whatever it is, please take it away.

i've reached a point where i'm tired of being flat on my back, getting up, and getting slapped back down again. i want to fight back. i want to stand firmly in the truth of who i am in Christ. and i want the oppression to stop. i want to belong. i want to serve my Lord. only He can cause these things to come about in my life.

i realize that this post is just about as out of whack as it can get - as is my life, so there you go.

i find myself in a place where i want to be able to say, clearly, firmly and unconditionally - i love You, no matter what my life looks like, no matter what You take away, no matter what You allow to come against me, no matter what - i love You anyway.