battle

August 16 – 12:36 am

I know that everything we go through is not a fight – not spiritual warfare, but sometimes it is, and there is no denying it. Continuing from the previous post - recognizing that I am in the midst of a battle is not the same thing as winning that battle or defeating the enemy. In fact, I believe that recognition brings on more opposition. At least, it seems to be the case more often than not.

I recognized that my friend was under opposition. I prayed through it. I prepared for it as well as I could. I braced for the battle and was soundly defeated. Why is that?

Frankly, I am not in the mood for philosophical bullshit. I’ve just been through a battle and I’m still seething. Being angry – this angry – is bad enough… but the real fear here – the relevant emotion, if you will, is non-emotion. Disengagement - as in, my heart is totally removed from what is happening around me. For someone who is trying to live from her deep heart, disengagement is a BAD thing.

I am self-righteous angry, not heart-pounding, adrenaline-pumping, can’t-talk-straight angry. The fact that my heart is so not involved is indicative of defeat. OK, so maybe it’s because I’ve not allowed it to reach my heart. I think if it did, I’d break. Does that mean I’ve defeated myself?

August 16 – 5:36 am

I woke up with a demon on my head. OK, so I didn’t see it, but I was definitely pinned to the bed and could not move – at all. All I could do was cry out to Jesus. I couldn’t even rebuke it myself. As if that isn’t bad enough, here’s a strange twist – I was not afraid. No fear at all… I just recognized what was happening, realized that I couldn’t do anything about it, and cried out to the One who could.

The stupid part about all this is that I knew going into last night that there is more going on here than just talking through some things with my friend. I know – head knowledge – that I needed to approach the conversation wary and alert, and armed to the teeth. How many times am I going to screw this up? How many times am I going to go into a situation without Jesus? Even if I go into the situation prayed up as I did last night, as soon as I get in the drivers seat, the battle is lost.