restless

i'm trying to get a grip on this restlessness that has me so tightly in it's grasp.

i remember another time in my life when i was at a crossroads. it was late 2001 - early 2002, and my life was absolutely shattered. there was nothing recognizable about it. in the space of 6 months, 9/11 happened, my husband left me, i discovered his adultery, i lost my home, i lost his family, i graduated lsu with a worthless degree, moved to texas, started a new job, got tangled up in a soul-killing rebound, faced the beginning of bankruptcy and realized that somewhere, somehow, something had gone incredibly wrong. i remember this song playing as i was crossing the mississippi river bridge, headed to texas for what i thought was a new life:

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
--Rascal Flatts

i sit here tonight and let the hurt come back. the tears are flowing and i sense that He is near. i haven't thought much about all that happened back then in a while... i wonder why it is so heavy on my heart tonight.

the older i get, the less pluck i have. i've been down the "movin' on" road a few times in this life, and i can't seem to muster enough of my heart to really, truly, honest-to-God think about actually crossing that bridge again.

i've lost my way. i've lost my heart. i've lost everything - again - and i just do not have it in me to pull myself up by the bootstraps one more time. the difference this time is that i've never faced this, side-by-side with Jesus. the last time i crossed that bridge, i was mad as hell at God. i didn't even look back for a glimpse of tiger stadium - my eyes were looking for the state line.

the Lord has never asked me to leave a place, a community, that i love before. i don't know how. i'm asking Him for absolute clarity - He's asking me for faith. i want the note on the bedside table - He is painfully silent. there will be nothing left for Him to salvage if this keeps up for much longer. He is thumbs-down again, and i don't know that i've ever been lower before Him. it's come to a point where i'm at the mercy of His provision for everything, but every token, every gesture of charity feels like a stone thrown. the very confidence and pride that took me to texas has been totally stripped away and replaced with humility and doubt. how do i move forward with that? broken and bruised instead of confident and cocky.

yet, i see the beauty. isn't that crazy? He has me in this place, this posture of humility, so i guess it's safe to say that i'm suffering for Him. i just don't see how it glorifies Him yet. i would hardly compare this suffering to what paul writes about, but i am suffering. to what end? is there still so much of me that needs to be ripped out that He's broken out the heavy duty pruning shears? i know that at the end of this, i will be more effective for the Kingdom, more Christlike...

you know, my mother has led a life of suffering and loss. i'd rather that not be a generational cycle... but now that i think about it, so have i. what's that about? i think that may be one of the reasons why i'm so restless.

my head hurts from crying. i can't see to write anymore. my heart hurts and i want it to stop. taking my cue from a lesson learned at the retreat, i am letting this hurt overwhelm me - i am consciously allowing it in. there is something here He wants access to, something that He wants to heal... and i'm all about that. so... let's do this thing. Jesus, what is this about?