yoked

continuing from the last post...

after i wrote the last post, i went to Jesus, heart bare and open before Him. He pointed out 3 things in specific that He wants to deal with. this post will attempt to explore one of them.

a major part of what makes this season so hard is that very few people understand why i'm not pouring coffee. why i didn't go work in retail during the holiday season. why i am not just doing ANYTHING to earn a few bucks here and there to help carry the load. simply put - i can't. He has told me to wait, and i can only listen to Him, even when it makes no logical sense at all. but that's not the real issue at hand.

my mom is suffering, but not because she has had to pay a bill or 2 for me. she hates seeing me in this position because she doesn't understand either. she certainly does not condemn me, and would never push me to just do something, anything, to move past this point in my life. she just loves me. she also loves my sister and her family. our whole family dynamic is in shambles right now... but that's not the point of this post.

since i moved in with her in april, i have had the rare privilege of praying for her. not blessing the food or "simple" prayers like that - really praying over her, interceding for her. that has been such an incredible thing to do. i've been given the front row seat in watching her faith come alive, to see her heart re-engage with the Lord after being shut down for so long under the weight of her life. part of what last night was about was realizing (again) that i am here for a reason, that my time here is not just about me. the Lord is doing really cool stuff in my mom, and i get to be a part of that.

her birthday was a couple of weeks ago. without going into detail, i made her cry. not happy tears, tears of pain and despair. i was absolutely stricken. after all the words, the apologies, the attempts to make her feel better, the only thing i was left with was to pray for her. and let me just tell you, when i say i prayed for her, i PRAYED for her. i sat on her bed, holding her hand, tears flowing, heart open, words pouring out and over her. afterwards, she just held me for a while. it was an amazingly intimate moment with a woman i love, but really don't know very well when it comes down to it. how well do the kids REALLY know their parents, after all is said and done? at the end of the day, how well do you know your mom as a person?

something really cool happened after i prayed for her. i realized that i had never really gone to bat for her as an intercessor. how crazy is that? the peace that i asked the Lord to blanket her with really did, and she has been much calmer and more hopeful... until i open my mouth and say something stupid to hurt her or to cause anxiety again. i don't know why the Lord trusts or expects me to lead my family spiritually, because i keep screwing it up. the downside to living with mom is that i don't have a safe place, a place of refuge, to just vent. to just cry. to just be angry. to be raw and real. these processes are vital to who i am, and they are severely hampered because i am here, in her home, in her presence. my pain affects her, and that effectively (most of the time) puts a cork in my willingness to be transparent and raw in front of her.

downside notwithstanding, i got to see something really cool, just this morning. she was leaving to go to wal-mart for last minute groceries (we are master menu planners...). i was supposed to go with her, but i woke up with a screaming headache, either from crying last night, sinuses, the ointment i am using to treat my eyes... or a combination of all of them. anyway, as she was walking out the door, i made the comment that i am sick and tired of being sick and tired. she tossed over her shoulder that she would keep me in her prayers. as i quipped back "gee, thanks, mom" she offered an aside that floored me - "as if i don't already."

wow. who knew? i didn't know that my mom prayed, much less prayed for me. it made my heart beat faster to know that she is turning to the Lord, petitioning Him for her family. i mean, it makes perfect sense, i just never thought about it. i doubt very seriously that she prays for herself - she is far and away the most selfless person i know - almost to the point of detriment... and that is clearly my job. He wants me to step it up a notch in interceding for my family. i had asked Him a few months ago to burden my heart for my family, because if i am to be brutally honest, i am rarely prompted to pray for them. yes, they drive me crazy, i love them dearly, but our little family is not very close. i see examples of deeply rooted families, but i have never known that closeness... we all pretty much keep to ourselves. sad, i know - which is why i prayed to be more burdened for them.

those 5 little words are the springboard that will make today and tomorrow bearable. they are just a continuation of the work the Lord is doing in our family, and they are a ray of hope in this darkness i find myself in right now. my life, our lives, are one day at a time right now. things are hard, but when i asked Jesus what last night was about, He showed me that while this feels very personal, while it is very personal, He is doing so much more than i can see. He is trusting me to keep turning to Him for answers. this season is not just about obedience and faith, it's about love. His love for me, yes, but more important to my heart, His love for those i love. His all-consuming love that is going to captivate my mom's heart. His constant pursuit that is going to overcome my sister and her family. He is the Glue that will bind this little family together - He is the One that is going to accomplish the healing and restoration that we so desperately need. they don't know what He's up to... but i do. and that knowledge makes my heart a little lighter, my load a little less heavy. i'm yoked up with Him, and He has taken the lead. i'm to follow, to learn by His example... and the beauty of that makes my heart ache.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. - matthew 11:28-30