stretched...

appearance

but the LORD said to samuel, "do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. the LORD does not look at the things man looks at. man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

-- 1 samuel 16:7 (niv)

i know many people - including myself - who love the Lord with all their hearts, who don't live as though this passage is a reflection of God's heart. funny how we find comfort for ourselves in this verse, but so consistently fail to extend that much-needed grace to others.

case in point - i have a friend who is a daughter of the King, strong and beautiful and courageous. however, she looks fragile and wounded. this is not what i see in her, nor is it what you should see.

similarly, when people look at me, they usually see varying degrees of strength and independence, coupled with hardness or ferocity that belies who i truly am.

looking through the eyes of Jesus... well, now that's a different perspective altogether. what we see on the outside is not an accurate reflection of one's heart, and therefore should not be what we consider to be most true about that person...

though seeing, they do not see;
though hearing, they do not hear or understand.
in them is fulfilled the prophecy of isaiah:
" 'you will be ever hearing but never understanding;
you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
for this people's heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.'

but blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.

-- Jesus, as quoted by matthew in chapter 13, verses 13-16 (niv)

200

wow - can you believe i've put you through 200 posts???

thanks for reading... really.

most true

two things from tonight are reverberating in my heart - things He's shown me that i cannot forget. i will not forget these Truths about me, about you, that are most true about us.

yes, LORD... we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.

-- isaiah 26:8

God in my living
there in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
there in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything

God in my hoping
there in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
there in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory

be my everything

-- everything, tim hughes

practice...

namaste

when paul writes, "i have been crucified with Christ and i no longer live, but Christ lives in me" (gal. 2:20), he meant it. over and over, the dying and the lepers would whisper the mystical word namaste in my ear. we really don't have a word like it in english (or even much of a western conception of it). they explained to me that namaste means, "i honor the Holy One who lives in you." i knew i could see God in their eyes. was it possible that i was becoming a Christian, that in my eyes they could catch a glimpse of the image of my Lover?

--shane claiborne, the irresistible revolution - living as an ordinary radical pp 79-80

i can't claim to have really experienced this on the level the author is describing here (he is writing about a time when he served in the home for the destitute and dying, a home started by mother teresa in calcutta, india), but i came close one day last week.

waiting for a light to change, a saw a homeless man on the side of the road, with a sign that said something to the effect of "on my way home. anything will help. God bless." as much as i hate to admit this, i normally do my best to avoid eye contact with homeless folks and beggars. there is a lot to that response - cynicism, helplessness, just plain hardness of heart sometimes... i know - very Christ-like, huh? this time was different.

first, let me say that i rarely have cash, and that i'm ALWAYS in a hurry - running late or just impatient with traffic. so i roll up to this light and see this guy and i kick into my normal response when Jesus steps in. if you know Him at all, you KNOW when He decides to show up in a situation. without hesitation, i rolled down my window while reaching for my wallet and catching his eye all at the same time. i've gotten a glimpse of what being in need is like over the past year or so. i know that i am just one step away from being out on the streets myself. so for once, i have a little cash - i have no idea how much - and He told me to give it to him. this stranger walks up to my window, his eyes old in the way that some people describe as "an old soul" - they were haggard and sagging... and beautiful. i handed him the cash saying, "this is all i have... God bless you." he takes it, and without counting it, puts it in his pocket. he says, "God bless you back" and our eyes locked... and i knew, i knew that i was looking into the eyes of Jesus.

i wanted to get out and pray with this guy. i wanted to tell him to get in, to bring him somewhere cool and out of the heat, get him some food and something cool to drink, and i wanted to bring him home. as these thoughts raced through my mind, the light changed and i had to go. immediately, i was lamenting the busy-ness of my life, wondering if i could pull over, go back, do something to spend some more time with this man. i was floored, angry, frustrated and torn, all at the same time.

and then, He spoke: whatever you do unto the least of these, you have done unto Me.

wow. my heart about burst. mind you, this all took place in the space of about 15 seconds. and in that moment, when He spoke to my heart, i knew that i didn't need to go back. i knew that He was already gone.

upward

altar

sitting in church tonight, i realized the enormity of the change in my life cannot go unacknowledged. so, my thoughts go back to that fateful phone call last summer in the lab that started me on this present journey. tomorrow, i start a brand new era of my life. tonight, i remember the past, and offer both to Jesus, praising His name that my life has been forever altered. i offer these words as my altar to Him:

the sky is grey and the light is far
the sea is a rage within my heart
i turn my sight to the crashing waves
i cry in the night just to be saved

i need eyes to be my guide
i need a voice that’s louder than mine
i need hope
i need You
cause i can’t do this alone

grace i call Your name
oh won’t Your smile fall over me
i’m cracked and dry on hands and knees
oh sweet grace rain down on me
i need You grace

i pray for dawn a new day to live
i pray for mercy only Jesus gives
though darkness falls and a million cry
i believe over all there’s a greater light shining for us
come down and save me

-- grace, by phil wickham

fences

i learned a lesson this summer.

somewhere along the way, i've realized that this season is one of preparation - a time of transition - for the next. i've recognized that this present journey is from dot to dot, each one bringing me back to my heart, and ultimately, His heart.

i spent the spring and early summer months traveling. i do this every spring. it's vital to my heart, and a very intentional way of removing myself from all that is familiar and seeking Him. now, don't get me wrong - i am more fully alive when i am traveling with Him, allowing Him to show me things about myself that i have forgotten, but it's not all easy, or even fun. i spend a lot of that time in self-reflection, allowing Him to show me the many things about myself that need to be more fully His. some of it's ugly. really ugly. but some of it's not.

this may, i was in florida. we went for a quick trip over to crystal river. there is a manatee refuge there, and our intention was to visit the refuge, explore the river, and generally just do something different. we ended up kayaking out to a place on the river called three sisters. it's a natural spring - well, 3 of them. it's absolutely stunning. i'll put some pics up after i finish getting these thoughts out of my head and into written form...

i've never kayaked before... and it was hard work... and i loved it. the Lord got a lot of mileage out of those 2 days. He showed me the way He had fashioned my heart for His creation - or more correctly, for restoring what we've lost due to poor stewardship or just plain ignorance. (i began this thought process in steward but haven't really expounded on that line of thought yet...) He also showed me that i love the hard work and the solitude and the mystery of kayaking. sounds silly, i know, but surely you've figured out that this is going somewhere...

when i got home, to say i was restless is an absurd understatement. i was going crazy. one day, my nephew was here and i decided that young boys and incredibly restless aunts need to go out and live a little. so i went to the mighty web and lo and behold, there is a local kayak club, and surprise, surprise... they were having a "demo day" on the lsu lakes that very day. after a little arguing with myself, i decided to go for it. i grabbed my nephew and off we went. we got to the lakes, signed our lives away, picked out a couple of boats, and the next thing we knew, we were paddling around the lakes.

if you know anything about the lakes at all, you know that they are yuck. they are shallow, polluted and only God knows what's actually in them... but none of that mattered. we were off on an adventure, alive and loving it. we decided to look for a deep spot to jump in the water to cool off for a sec, heebie jeebies about the lakes and all. it was H-O-T hot. so we set out toward the center of the lake, checking the depth every so often with our paddles. we finally found a spot that was ~5 feet - deep enough to keep my feet off the nasty bottom - and in we went. i hooked my feet on my kayak and just floated, enjoying the pounding of my heart ( i really, really hate nasty, can't-see-anything water) and the joy in my nephew's eyes. we were cutting up, daring one another to go underwater, splashing each other, silly stuff like that. it was silly, and it was fun. and then...

"ma'am. is this your vessel?" "oh! well, hello! actually, no, it's not." "ma'am. i'm asking you to board your vessels immediately and follow me to shore." huh? crap. leave it to me to get escorted off the lakes... and in front of my nephew. not that i was embarrassed - not at all. but i was immediately aware that this was a teachable moment for my nephew. so i engaged our escort in conversation, joking about being escorted off the lake and banished from the water. by the time we reached the shore, we were buddies and he immediately showed me a different type of kayak, explained what was "in bounds" and off we went again, paddling around the lakes - with strict instructions to stay out of the water.

i've shared this story with several friends along and along. the response that still reverberates in my soul is this: "Enjoy your nephew and also finding ways to kayak out of bounds." the reason it's stuck with me is this - i have never lived my life "in bounds." i've ALWAYS lived "out of bounds" and i like it that way. and it applies across all areas of my life... especially spiritually.

so here's the lesson i learned. i'm not meant to live my life in bounds - and i'm not going to. i'm not going to get tied up in rules and supposed to's. i'm not. i refuse. i will live my life on His terms, not anyone else's. my favorite description of God is "dangerous, wild, unfettered and free." is that always comfortable? absolutely not. does it always look "right"? not a chance. am i going to encounter criticism? that's a given - usually from those who are running away from their heart, not toward it. that's ok. part of my assignment, if you will, is to live my life in such a way that demonstrates HIM. not HIM in a box. not HIM in a behavior modification class. will my life look scary and different to some? YES!!! and that's the whole point. i mean to live my life challenging Who we think we want Him to be, Who we believe He really is, and what we think He's really like.

i intend to live my life out of bounds.

dance

for those of you who read this who go to my church... if you saw a blur in the rafters tonight during worship... that was me, dancing with Jesus. He reached down and met my outstretched hands with His own, drew me up and twirled us through the rafters. it was ecstasy. it was worship in its truest form...

it was beautiful. He is beautiful. wow.

sigh...

LORD I WANT TO YEARN FOR YOU, I WANT TO BURN WITH PASSION OVER YOU, AND ONLY YOU!

i am at the end of myself... and Who do i meet? the King, inviting me to dance in His arms - His bride, His beloved, His own. He knows. and He reminded me that He knows... He knows how difficult this time is, and how my heart yearns for answers... and in the meantime, He wants to dance.

i'm inclined to acquiesce... HA. who am i kidding? i'm thrilled to be back in the safety in His arms, where i belong. everything else is gravy.

guard

this diverges from the last post, but something really cool happened last week that i don't want to forget...

i was praying with a group of friends. that, in and of itself, is not so strange in my world. however... the need to pray for myself in the midst of praying for someone else is new-ish. i felt a very strong warning in my spirit to protect myself - spiritually speaking - from words that were about to be spoken. strange... but i've learned to trust His promptings. so, from somewhere deep inside, i cried out for His protection - more specifically, for Him to guard my heart... and the coolest thing happened.

i very rarely experience Jesus in a tangible way... i suppose that's the case for most of us. but this night, i felt - and saw, if i am perfectly honest - His hand covering my heart.

stop for a minute and soak up those words. i felt His hand covering my heart!

that was enough for my heart to almost burst at His nearness, but there's more. the timing was absolutely perfect. the words and thoughts that came immediately following this divine encounter (sorry - i can't find the words to do this any justice) were very obviously meant to harm me... not by those who spoke them, but by the enemy of my heart. vicious arrows, meant to drive deeply in with barbs that are loathe to let go. i felt them bouncing off His hand.

i felt them bouncing off His hand!!! and it remained there, throughout the rest of the night, as the discussion continued and the arrows kept flying. i really don't know what else to say... other than He is truly a warrior, a mighty God, loving and protective and personal to the extreme. He saw the ambush coming, and thwarted it Himself, guarding the heart He has been so carefully restoring.

steward

[this is definitely not a completed thought... but i am pressed to go ahead and post this. i will expound on my thoughts as they cohere.]

ok, so before you think i'm off to live a life of solitude in the mountains... as lovely as that sounds, He did not bring me here, immerse me in christian community, only to pick me up and drop me in a new place where everything of value i've learned here is lost. no, no - He has something far more grand and adventurous up His sleeve.

for me - and i can only speak for me - for me, life has become a delicate balance of loving others well and taking care of my own heart. i, me - no one else - i am responsible for how i respond to the lives i'm allowed to come alongside, whether it's for a day, a week, a couple of years, or a lifetime.

now, take that truth and apply it to all of the heartwork He's been doing lately (time is rather fluid for me, so "lately" applies to a much broader time span - about a year-ish). casting a broad stroke, He has been showing me - reminding me - of the things that make me come alive - things i care deeply about - things that i am devoted to.

in the church, much emphasis is placed on stewardship - of people, money, time, relationships - and that is certainly biblical and necessary. however, my heart beats for a different kind of stewardship - and it's just as biblical and necessary, although not as prevalent in the everyday life of a church. my heart beats for the land and the sea and the creatures... and the beautiful and glorious thing is that He has called me to this love, this responsibility, this devotion because He trusts me and believes in me - how crazy is that???

i've wondered for almost a year how mhgs and seattle fit into this picture. in short, they don't. rather, they were dots - stepping stones on the path back to my heart - that forced me to really look at my life, my heart - and be ok with what i found there. what i found is that i am not called to walk with people through the darkest hours of their lives as a profession. i certainly do that in my personal lives and loves, but my heart is not wired to be a counselor... and that's ok. it's more than ok - it's an honest assessment of who i am, and who He made me to be. i love that He demands that level of honesty and transparency from me (well, i love it most of the time...).

so the obvious question is, "what's next?" truthfully, i don't know. back to school for a master's is an option, although i'm in no way convinced that i'm to be a scientist. i find myself these days immersed in loving well (i use that phrase a lot, but it's perfectly applicable) and staying tuned into the treasures He drops in my lap, and what they are meant to show me. i've long since accepted that this part of the journey is directed step by step by Him alone, and that's as it should be.

remember

i've spent a lot of time wondering why i struggle so much with really feeling a sense of belonging anywhere i've landed along this journey. it's been less intense than in the past, sort of tucked away in the recesses of my heart. it's much more of an on-going, quiet conversation between me and my Lord... and He, as always, is faithful to answer. rather, this time, He is faithful to remind...

He is faithful to remind me of all the things He used to shape me as a little girl - things that shaped my thought processes, the way i view the world, and the way i view Him. He dropped another treasure in my lap tonight in the form of a movie. we watched miss potter, and while there is much there that struck chords of dreams long forgotten, the closing line ("where i belong.") is what made me realize that i haven't spent the last 34 years trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do with my life - i've spent the last 25 or so years trying to remember:


there are times i fear i lose myself
i don't know who i am
i get caught up in the struggle and the strain
with my back against a stonewall
my finger in the dam
losin' strength and goin' down again


and i take a look around me
my eyes can't find the sun
there's nothing wild as far as i can see
then my heart turns to alaska
and freedom on the run
i can hear her spirit callin' me


to the mountains, i can rest there
to the rivers, i will be strong
to the forest, i'll find peace there
to the wild country, where i belong


oh, i know some times i worry
on worldly ways and means
and i can see the future killing me
on a misbegotten highway
of prophecies and dreams
a road to nowhere and eternity


and i know it's just changes
yes, and mankind marchin' on
i know we can't live in yesterday
but compared to what we're losin'
and what it means to me
i'd give my life and throw the rest away


to the mountains, i can rest there
to the rivers, i will be strong
to the forest, i'll find peace there
to the wild country, where i belong
i belong to the wild country...
where i belong

to the wild country
--words and music by john denver

courage

rise and run to the place where fear and dreams collide...

--leigh barkalow, captivating retreat, ransomed heart ministries

[i don't know who the original author of this quote is, so i can only credit the speaker]

these words bring me to a place in my soul where the ache of possibility and the fear of hope leave me stripped bare, in a place of absolute vulnerability before my King.

well

an entry from my journal written at the captivating retreat in september 2006:

... can i live deeply from my heart for You, so that i may champion, call out, encourage, allure, arouse, defend, LOVE fully? all good things come from You... i've been so afraid to ask You, Lord, but i'm asking now, with much fear and trembling. help me to love well - to love You first, and from the overflow of that, love my friends, my family, my community... dare i ask You for more than You've already given me... i ask You, with a heart that strives to be open to Your answer. Lord, i await You...

and an entry from the march 2007 retreat:

... just one simple question, Lord. will You teach me to love well?...

help me to love well.

i had forgotten that i asked Him that. those exact words have come up several times over the past few months, as He peels back the layers of resolve and woundedness and re-shapes my heart... but i didn't connect the dots until i re-read my journals from the retreats the other night.

i had forgotten - but He hadn't.

exchange

my feet are wet with dew.

i woke up this morning to what's become a typical sense of unease. ignoring it, i said 'good morning' to the Lord, boiled water for coffee, and walked the dog as the coffee dripped.

my heart is burdened beyond anything i've known in a long time. trying to push past all the lies that come screaming at me first thing in the morning, i found simple joy in the warmth of the early morning sun on my face. as we rounded the building, i saw a squirrel sitting in a bird bath, birds busy at the feeders above, and i thought to myself, "see how He provides for the birds of the air, for His creatures... isn't He great?"

He's been waking me up around 7:30 consistently for awhile now. it's amazing. i've been quietly praying for Him to reset my internal clock, for more time with Him in the quiet hours of the morning, and He is faithful to answer. i've given up the late night hours when i can really write in exchange for dew and sunshine, provided by, and shared with, the King.

my heart is stirred, longing. it is still burdened and heavy, but a little less so, broken by a glimpse of His face.

my feet are wet with dew.

onward

i've been paid 2 totally different compliments in the past week, completely unsolicited and exactly what my heart needs to hear:

the first one just makes me laugh, which is always nice - it was a very spontaneous, "i didn't think you could get any cooler..."

and the one my heart really needed - "as i watched the movie [pirates 3] i couldn't help but compare keira knightley's character [elizabeth swan] to you... her ferocity, leadership, sheer determination and courage... the way she is drawn to the sea, and how comfortable she is aboard the ship..." there was more, but my heart stopped at the initial comparison. what an amazing thing for my heart to hear from someone i love deeply and whom i admire immensely!

i love it when He does that!

there is more to say, so there may be a part 2, but this is where my heart is resting right now.

curious, isn't it?

of all the things you can't do... which will you do?

-- captain jack sparrow pirates of the caribbean - at world's end

[this is a quote from a tv spot in the jacksonville market. i haven't seen it again to verify the wording - i will when the movie comes out... in the meantime, it's a great quote and way too applicable to my life...]

it seems this may be from a deleted scene, as it wasn't in the movie. still a GREAT quote...

treasure hunt

we went on a treasure hunt the other day... well, at least what i consider a treasure hunt. we were looking for a tracking band that was on a wood stork. the band had been sending out a mortality signal, which means that the wearer of said band was likely dead. since these devices are upwards of $5000 each, there is a pretty good effort made to locate the bands once the mortality signal goes out. all we had to go by were GPS coordinates emitted every 3 days. here are some pictures of the adventure - what a great time!!!





this is where we launched from - that's not fog - it's smoke from all the fires here - currently over 230 wildfires in florida.

dang, where's my rod and reel when i need them???

getting close!!! that's a cypress swamp normally - florida is in extreme drought, hence the wildfires...

ummm... this may be harder than we thought... that grass is 5' tall - and so am i...

found it!!! and it only took us 20 minutes or so... he was calling on the patron saint of lost items... apparently there is no need to bury a statue for this saint...

no, that's not your eyes - it's blurry on purpose - if i let you see the coordinates, i'd have to kill you... now that's a fine piece of technology recovered... and the bird was definitely d-e-a-d dead.

this one's not!!! that's a limpkin... or so i was told by the expert.

sooo beautiful!

wow - such beauty in the midst of hard times - the cypress roots are exposed due to the drought.

bonus!!! that's a bald eagle eyeing us from the top of a palm tree missing it's crown - probably from a hurricane.

reach

virginia tech is selling t-shirts to raise money for the victims' families... there are many needs, including funeral expenses and counseling for the students and faculty.

they are 5 bucks each. the website is http://www.hokiesunited.org.vt.edu/.

i'm not trying to talk you into helping... but i am inviting you to participate in the healing process for this community.