breathing

i have a confession to make.

i suffer from an anxiety disorder (as if that was not screamingly obvious from my last post), as do all the women in my family. it's been interesting to watch the disorder change over time in each of us, as our circumstances change and life rolls on. my mom "accepts" her lot as her fault and suffers accordingly, my sister overmedicates, my niece self-medicates and self-destructs, and i... well i've been better, and i've been worse. which begs the question - where is this lasting, inside out change that christianity promises?

yes, yes. the pious call it sanctification over time. the atheists call it brainwashing. medical professionals and mental health professionals, in rare agreement, call it maturity over time culminating in wisdom - sagacity. i'm not sure what i call it, other than painful and disruptive, at present.

i do find that it's changed over the past year. it's become more pervasive - more intrusive. it interrupts my sleep - when i can actually sleep. it crowds out thoughts and comes unbidden into just about any situation. and it feels different too. it used to be a general unease and an inability to turn off my brain at night. it's now much more debilitating and affects me physically... which is why running is such a joy and a triumph for me - running is 90% mental and i rejoice in developing that discipline.

but the bitch of suffering from such a hidden dysfunction (chemical imbalance is rather difficult to detect in your average bear, at least at first glance) is that i am just about universally perceived as confident, capable, intelligent, trustworthy. a person of integrity and character. and in that perception, even if it echoes with truth, people fail to realize just how alone, afraid, and increasingly fragile that persona has become. that is quite a solitary place to exist.

the anxiety manifests differently these days, as well. i first became aware of the disorder during my separation and subsequent divorce over 10 years ago. i've managed it with medication, education, and faith. so why are the thoughts more pervasive, more disruptive, more frequent, more potentially damaging? i'm still medicated. i'm still educated - can't really go backwards on that one, right? so that leaves faith.

i have another confession to make.

my faith in God-the-Father, Jesus-the-Savior, and the Holy Spirit-counsellor has dwindled into something unrecognizable as faith. i've can't even muster up anger about His perceived indifference to my plight. i'm tired of fighting, tired of trying to understand Him, tired of trying to fix whatever it is that i fucked up so badly that grace can't or won't cover it. i'm tired of semi-jokingly referring to myself as jacob, wrestling with the angel in an exercise in futility. i'm just tired.

i have another confession to make.

after 10+ years of regular attendance in church, bible studies, and community groups, i have not stepped foot inside the door of a church in almost 9 months. NINE. wow - i just had to count that out on my fingers to make sure i had that right. that's crazy. i used to spend between 4 and 6 hours every sunday afternoon/night FOR OVER TEN YEARS investing in people and a vision that i truly, deeply believed in. those same people didn't even realize i was gone when i moved, and they surely haven't sounded the trumpets upon my return to BR. don't hear me casting stones here - i've made almost zero effort into reintegrating into that community.

does the lack of one lend to the progression of the other? likely. i had a brief conversation via text tonight with one of the very few people with whom i've stayed in contact with since october. she was wondering if and when i'll be returning to our church, and my most honest answer was not anytime soon. i read resignation and obligation in her words, but i know a bit about her heart, and it's more than that for her. she fiercely believes all that our church lacks will come with the fullness of time. i wish i shared her conviction. i really do.

i have a confession to make.

i want to be known, loved, and valued... i suspect we all do. and i want to offer the same, unconditionally. but i don't know how anymore, if i ever knew in the first place. i want to sleep. i want to succeed in life. i want to be able to support myself. i want my life to be significant. i want to offer light and hope, authenticity and transparency. i want religion stripped away and simple faith to prevail. i want to NOT wake up 15 times a night, on the verge of panic about some small but important thing that needs attending. i want to stop hearing taunts of failure and mediocrity.

there was a time in the life of this blog where i stated vociferously that i wanted to live fully alive in Christ. i don't even know what that means anymore. i'm reading a book about the life of paul, and in the narrative, there is a moment when young saul travels to jerusalem for his sister's wedding. he finds himself on the first night in that holy place unable to sleep, troubled deeply in his soul. he decided, during a crisis of faith, to love God whether He loved him back or not. i am not so devoted. but i believe he wanted the same thing that haunts me tonight - i want to be able to sing these words:

standing on this mountaintop 

looking just how far we've come 

knowing that for every step 

You were with us 

kneeling on this battle ground 

seeing just how much You've done 

knowing every victory 

is Your power in us 

scars and struggles on the way 

but with joy our hearts can say 

yes, our hearts can say 

never once did we ever walk alone 

never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

never once did we ever walk alone 

never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful


scars and struggles on the way 

but with joy our hearts can say 

never once did we ever walk alone 

carried by Your constant grace 

held within Your perfect peace 

never once, no, we never walk alone 

never once did we ever walk alone 

never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

every step we are breathing in Your grace
evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

-- never once, matt redman

fear

i'm supposed to be going to bed. well, i am in bed but i'm nowhere near exhaustion, which is what's required these days for me to fall asleep.


sigh. i just set my alarm clock for the first time in nearly 4 months. i worked so many hours that i would get home around 11 and just crash til my body woke up at 9. and another thing - before all that insanity, i used to set my alarm for 8 to roll out the door at 8:10 to be at work for 8:20-ish. if i miss anything about my last job, it's uniforms. yeah yeah. they were ugly and uncomfortable but at least they required absolutely no thought at all.


i had a feeling this would be a whiny-ish post. sorry. let's see if it takes us anywhere constructive.


i've been in this mood all day. i went to sleep last night, thankful for constant provision, and woke up this morning to the thought of, "oh shit. cameron likes coun--- COUNTRY --- music. oh shit shit shit." and that thought, of course, set me off on the tip of a spiral of pissed-off-edness. eh, well. grief comes in waves and it's disingenuous to lead you to believe that i'm ok all the time. because i definitely am not. most of the time, but definitely not all. today was a wallow-in-self-pity-on-the-brink-of-spirally day.


i'm trying to change that tonight. self-pity is selfish and shallow and so... annoying. trust me - i'm annoyed with myself. you can be too. it's totally ok.


so what set me off was being subject to country music all day. that thought makes me want to shoot someone. i absolutely abhor, no loathe, no. what's the word? I CAN'T FUCKING STAND COUNTRY MUSIC. how's that for using my stellar vocabulary? mom would be proud.


anyway. it's funny what's bothering me about going back to BPBR. it's not time-clocks or stoned college kid coworkers or even being a peon after being the boss. it's frigging country music. so what's up with that? i grew up listening to it. i owned an 8-track of john denver's greatest hits and knew more willie nelson when i was 7 than most people do in a lifetime (thanks, dad). seven spanish angels, anyone? no? 


ahhh. anyway. i listened to all forms of that crap all the way through my teens. my 20's were mostly grunge. somewhere in my early 30's i realized how... self-centered and small the country music genre is and it made me mad and sad at the same time. forget the stereotypical "my dog ran off and so did my wife i'll pay you for the dog and to keep the wife" crap. although that is pretty terrible. it's not even real. well, maybe there are folks out there who live that kind of life but who does so ON PURPOSE? and SINGS about it? GLORIFIES it? IMMORTALIZES it in song and in radio waves that travel only God knows how far into the universe? we even subject whoever inhabits the far reaches of space with that crap. i'm hopeful that tolkien's description of the angelic hosts singing in the early hours of creation (the silmarillion, page 3) is true and their voices drown out all the noise we send out.


oh yeah - fair warning - this blog is likely to become less and less politically correct. in case you haven't noticed that yet. i'd say i'm sorry to offend you, but that would be disingenuous too. not that my intent is to offend; my intent is to provoke you to think for yourself. it always has been.


so back to psycho-analyzing my reaction to country music. taking a stab at the obvious psychology, i'd say that this level of extreme negative reaction to something so seemingly innocuous as a music genre is rooted, as most things are, in fear. how's that for pulling wisdom outta nowhere?


so what do i fear? well, quite a lot of things, actually, although most would be surprised to hear me admit that. i seem to put off this... essence? of fearlessness. am i not the one who has "valiant one" TATTOOED on her back? as in a name bestowed by God Himself? yep, that's me. i can give you a long list of things i do not fear but what's the fun in that? let's hack away into the deep recesses of my psyche to see what's behind this fear that's masking as hatred of country music. goody. i'm sure i'll sleep much better once this is all out.


mediocrity. smallness - life, not stature. failure. repeated failure. lack of control of my surroundings. lack of control of my circumstances, for that matter. being one step away from homelessness. not being loved. not loving well. not being valued. definitely not being known. and being known. (that's a cruel double-edged sword i'll leave alone for tonight.) not leaving this world better than i found it. that i care too much about the land and not enough about people. not being able to hear His voice or worship Him fully and whole-heartedly. ah, the tears come and tonight, they are not cathartic. it doesn't help that i have "to the wild country" playing in my mind.


so how does one get from fear to hatred? of all the answers rushing to flow through these fingertips, only one is correct: eyes inward. not outward. not upward. faithless.


ouch. brutally honest even now. surprised? i didn't think so.


i could wrap this up with religious platitude. i could quote 15 scriptures off the top of my head that would make all of us feel better. but i find myself strangely resistant to make it that... thoughtless. and by "thoughtless" i mean "without thought". rote.


i need a JC reframe. in place of that, i sit hear with heart ruthlessly exposed and no shalom. the hounds are at bay for the moment... i can hear them, but they can't get through the door. i had a friend who used to bookend whoever or whatever she was praying for with Jesus, making a prayer out of simple sentence structure. example: Jesus ann Jesus. see? isn't that beautiful in its simplicity? i tweaked it a bit through the years, as it seems to help me truly place the Cross between me and all others, and place it before and behind those i pray for.


i used to be, and suppose i still am, considered to be somewhat of a prayer warrior, although in all honesty, that has not been true of me for quite some time. maybe the place to start again is here:


JESUS ann JESUS fear JESUS country music JESUS.

again

i started running again today.

there is such VICTORY in that simple sentence. it feels like REDEMPTION. like somehow, all that's happened in my past has been undone. no, not undone. FORGIVEN. REDEEMED.

HOPE.

strength and courage, friends. or should i say STRENGTH and COURAGE? yes, i believe so.

i know a PEACE tonight that i've not known in a very long time. i've been spending these late hours wrapped in anxiety and dread. but not tonight. maybe it's the endorphins. maybe it's the SATISFACTION of having begun a NEW NORMAL. or maybe it's the realization that my slate has been wiped CLEAN - that i can do and be ANYTHING and ANYONE i want. such FREEDOM in those statements. i can start COMPLETELY OVER. again.

and here's the thing - that's not written with an ounce of bitterness. that's written with JOY so... strangely out of place that i know it's HOLY. there was a time in the not-so-distant past where major life events sent me reeling, sometimes for years. but not anymore. not this time. not ever again.

i started running again today.

deeper still

[i guess i should catch you up on where i am in my story. currently, i am taking a summer class at LUMCON in cocodrie. it's a coral reef ecology class and it's been an amazing time so far. next week, we head to the keys to snorkel several reefs.]

i've known since i applied for this class earlier in the year that it was divinely appointed. somewhere in the past week, i realized that this will be the first time i've been in the keys since the last time i went diving on the reefs with my dad 20 years ago. as that realization settles in my heart, it's become increasing more tender and i know that the Lord is pressing into the deeper places of my heart, deeper into the wounds of loss, abandonment and the messages and agreements that go along with such wounds.

this knowledge came into stark relief this morning. i've made friends here; friends from all over the country - students from various universities and states, guys from wood's hole at cape cod, research vessel captains and mates, security guards, kitchen staff... anyway, it's been a neat experience to have the opportunity to talk with these folks, hear their stories, gain insight into their work or research... it's been a lot of fun.

i watched 8 of them leave harbor this morning. 4 on a research vessel, going 60 miles out to deploy an AUV glider into the depths of the gulf of mexico and 4 who are headed about 6 miles out to some of our barrier islands to research the feasibility of re-establishing populations of colonial nesting birds.

i prayed as i watched them leave, for safety, against the mental approach of "one more run" and for Jesus to romance them in ways that speak specifically to their hearts. and as i watched and prayed, tears came unbidden and silently. and that spoke of something deeper going on in my heart.

as with anything that pertains to the issues of the heart, there are many layers and depth that, as i sit here, i'm trying to understand. watching people i know putting out to sea is one. there is fear that they won't come back, that something will happen. the sea can be an unforgiving place. and then there is the ache of wanting to be on board, sharing in the adventure set before them - the longing for more. ache and desire.

i watched them leave harbor and head south, and as they disappeared from sight and i was left standing on the dock, i had a sense of... isolation? loneliness? fear? anticipation? i really don't know. all of those words seem a bit over-stated. i wasn't enveloped in grief or anything close to that. i just was. in that moment and the moments that followed, i just ached, on a lot of levels. but it was a glimmer of ache - a hint of what may come as the Lord presses deeper still into the young and tender places of my heart.

i love that He doesn't leave us in our current state of healing and restoration. about 2 years ago, i dealt with the grief of losing my dad at sea, and my heart was held and healed by Jesus. and i probably could have spent the rest of my time on earth happy with that level of healing. i love how the Lord wants more. more healing for me, more of my heart surrendered to Him. He knows that i desire LIFE, and to get there, to remain there, requires me to continue to allow Him to bind up the broken places, to set more of my heart free.

whatever He's up to, i know this - it's good. it's necessary. and it's going to be ok.

so yes. come, Lord Jesus. yes, let's go deeper still... into my heart, and Yours. and may You receive all glory and honor and praise. amen.

perspective, 3

[so it's been awhile since i've written anything in this series, but i'm listening to satellite radio in my office and this song just came on. view it through the lens of singing to Him... how cool is that? yes, i realize that He is risen and alive, but humor me... i think it's a beautiful picture of what our hearts really yearn for... the One who was, who is and is to come.]

maybe in another life
i could find You there
pulled away before Your time
i can't deal it's so unfair

and it feels
and it feels like
heaven's so far away
and it feels
yeah it feels like
the world has grown cold
now that You've gone away

leaving flowers on Your grave
show that i still care
but black roses and hail marys
can't bring back what's taken from me
i reach to the sky
and call out Your name
and if i could trade
i would

and it feels
and it feels like
heaven's so far away
and it stings
yeah it stings now
the world is so cold
now that You've gone away

-- gone away by the offspring

dad

from Shooting the Pistol - Courtside Photos of Pete Maravich at LSU by Danny Brown:

[for me to immortalize my dad in writing is one thing. to have someone else do it is quite another story...]

I need to make special mention here of Baton Rouge State-Times staff photographer Charles Gerald. He began work at the newspaper in December 1967 and became my best friend. Charlie and I remained very close until his death in December 1990, when he and his boat were lost at sea off Miami in bad weather conditions. He was simply the best photographer I have ever met. He had an eye that could see a photo where none was apparent, and that one photo would tell the whole story of what he was covering. He won numerous awards from the news services in many different catagories. I learned a lot from Charlie.

...

And although I would like to think of myself as a great photographer, I'm really not. At least not on the level of those friends I mentioned above, particularly Charlie Gerald.

...

and... the best for last - at least for me - there's a picture of my dad on page 92 between the T and the O. yeah, that's him with the long sideburns looking cooler than cool. i KNEW i got it from somewhere...

obedience

i wonder...

does God want us to respond to Him out of a moral or religious obligation that's well-intentioned and called "obedience"?

or...

does God long for us to respond out of a deep love and need for Him in every aspect of our lives?

methinks it is the latter.

intentionality

the heart is the connecting point, the meeting place between any two persons. the kind of deep soul intimacy we crave with God and with others can be experienced only from the heart. i know a man who took his daughter to dinner; she was surprised, delighted. for years she had been hoping he would pursue her. when they had been seated, he pulled out his day timer and began to review the goals he had set for her that year. “i wanted to burst into tears and run out of the restaurant,” she said. we don’t want to be someone’s project; we want to be the desire of their heart. gerald may laments, “by worshiping efficiency, the human race has achieved the highest level of efficiency in history, but how much have we grown in love?”

we’ve done the same to our relationship with God. christians have spent their whole lives mastering all sorts of principles, done their duty, carried on the programs of their church . . . and never known God intimately, heart to heart. the point is not an efficient life of activity—the point is intimacy with God. “you will find me,” God says, “when you seek me with all your heart” (Jer. 29:13). As oswald chambers said, “so that is what faith is—God perceived by the heart.”

what more can be said, what greater case could be made than this: to find God, you must look with all your heart. to remain present to God, you must remain present to your heart. to hear his voice, you must listen with your heart. to love him, you must love with all your heart. you cannot be the person God meant you to be, and you cannot live the life he meant you to live, unless you live from the heart.


-- john eldredge, waking the dead pp 48–49 (emphasis mine)

above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

-- king soloman, proverbs 4:23

actually, that whole chapter punctuates this truth beautifully:

Wisdom Is Supreme

1 Listen, my sons, to a father's instruction;
pay attention and gain understanding.

2 I give you sound learning,
so do not forsake my teaching.

3 When I was a boy in my father's house,
still tender, and an only child of my mother,

4 he taught me and said,
"Lay hold of my words with all your heart;
keep my commands and you will live.

5 Get wisdom, get understanding;
do not forget my words or swerve from them.

6 Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
love her, and she will watch over you.

7 Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

8 Esteem her, and she will exalt you;
embrace her, and she will honor you.

9 She will set a garland of grace on your head
and present you with a crown of splendor."

10 Listen, my son, accept what I say,
and the years of your life will be many.

11 I guide you in the way of wisdom
and lead you along straight paths.

12 When you walk, your steps will not be hampered;
when you run, you will not stumble.

13 Hold on to instruction, do not let it go;
guard it well, for it is your life.

14 Do not set foot on the path of the wicked
or walk in the way of evil men.

15 Avoid it, do not travel on it;
turn from it and go on your way.

16 For they cannot sleep till they do evil;
they are robbed of slumber till they make someone fall.

17 They eat the bread of wickedness
and drink the wine of violence.

18 The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn,
shining ever brighter till the full light of day.

19 But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness;
they do not know what makes them stumble.

20 My son, pay attention to what I say;
listen closely to my words.

21 Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;

22 for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man's whole body.

23 Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.

24 Put away perversity from your mouth;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.

25 Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.

26 Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.

27 Do not swerve to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.

eaux!!!

i find myself in need of some laughter. thinking back over recent events that i've not shared here, deep chuckles rumble up before the thought fully forms to share a conversation with you. allow me to set the stage...

january 7, 2008. my tigers are playing for the national championship in the dome. i'm glued to the tv, with my reluctant but loyal friend beside me. we're deep into the 2nd quarter, and my tigers are getting their feet under them, settling down to play some football... and i get a text. what follows is a transcript of the ensuing hilarity. enjoy!

friends: go tigers!

us: NO!!! IT'S GEAUX TIGERS!

friend: ah, oui! j'ai oublie l'influence francais/cajun, etc... seaux, does that make it, "neaux! it's geaux tigers!"??! :PEA hee hee! weaux, i crack me up sometimes, eh?!

us: oy vey! we stand corrected, eh?

friend: ooch aye! so, here's a mix o' yiddish n sco-ish canadian, eh?

us: LOL LOL si senorita! gotta keep you on your toes...

friend: well, i am short. it's how i reach most things... glad i could make you laugh. :)

...(i'm caught up in the game at this point)...

friend: *yawn... paddle over to ann... slump n pounnnncccceee - slow motion pounce* goodnite! hope the tigers r fanfrikkintastic 2nite! !) love u! zee wittle asian canadian

us (meaning me after my tigers won): DA DA DA DAH! GEAUX TIGERS! eaux-k, now you can geaux to sleep! good night, love!

gasping

[when my life seems to have come to a shuddering halt, the Lord tends to my heart in the craziest ways - sometimes a kayak, or a hair-raising rappel down a mountain face... many times He uses music. this song brings me back from the brink of desperation and despair. sound dramatic? maybe. but from this end, the stagnation is real, and ugly. i find myself gasping for Air, and Life, and Love.]


oh heart of mine
why must you stray?
from One so fair
you run away
and one more time
you have to pay
the heaviness of needless shame

oh heart of mine
come back home
you've been too long
out on your own
and He's been there all along
watching for you down the road

so come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
you are looking for
so come home running
just as you are

oh child of God
so dearly loved
and ransomed by
the Savior's blood
and called by name
daughter and son
wrapped in the robe of righteousness

--come home running by chris tomlin

resurrection

[i first heard this song at captivating. it pierces me... these words have the power to strip me bare, reminded of how far we've fallen from our original glory. He's used this song to keep me focused on Him - on what He's up to in my heart and in my life. it's fitting to end this year with a song that brings me close to His heart... where i belong.]

i'm at a loss for words
there's nothing to say
i sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
how did my heart become so lifeless, so cold
where did the passion go?

when all my efforts seem like chasing the wind
i've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
i've lost the feeling and i'm down to the core
i can't fake it anymore

here i am
at the end
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
what i've lost to the world
what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again
again

You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
make something beautiful
out of all this suffering

here i am
once again
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
what i've lost to the world
what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again
again

You have a way of turning winter to spring
make something beautiful
out of all this suffering

here i am
once again
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead

here i am
once again
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can raise me from the dead
what i've lost to the world
what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again
again

i need...

-- resurrection by nicol sponberg

defiance

it seems as though this year, my life has been one of defiance. defiance for God, not from Him. i've spent my life either ignoring God, running away from Him, or more recently, running toward Him. in learning to run toward God, i've learned also what that decision, that way of life, costs those who choose it. for it is a choice.

i've chosen to defy religion. i've chosen to defy what's expected of me by the world and by the church. i've chosen His way. i've chosen Life.

that choice has cost me.

it's cost friendships. it's cost respect in the eyes of others. it's cost community. it's cost me, well... me.

living fully alive - or trying to get there and stay there - is not a la-dee-da kind of life... although it is truly the only way to really live. there are times of deep despair, and times of unspeakable joy. there is pain and sorrow. and there is adventure - heart-thudding moments of being stretched beyond already crazy limits i've set for myself. it's exhausting, this living.

but it's worth it.

that's not written lightly. it really is worth it. i'm fully cognizant of how easy it would be to give up - to settle for a life of mediocrity and death, for surely my heart would die were i to give up. i know this, and that knowledge propels me forward when it would be so much easier to just give in.

i wrote earlier this year that i intend to live my life out of bounds. and so i have. and it's been glorious. i've never traveled more extensively, loved more ferociously, hurt more significantly, been more lonely, or lived more intentionally.

were i to choose to live a "normal" christian life, i would be a blip on the radar rather than the saddle burr i've become. my life challenges those who see it, or glimpses of it, really. my heart and my life have been most correctly described as renegade. i've also been described as a bulldog. a slight nuance, but a significant one. in the times when the pain of that particular observation subsides a bit, i wonder about the state of the hearts of the observers, that they would see and interpret my heart so incredibly differently.

so again i choose Jesus. and i accept the consequences of that decision. i accept the misunderstanding, the fear, the downright dislike... and through the very human reaction of pain and isolation, my spirit rejoices that perhaps the box, if not shredded, has grown just a little. what box? the box that we've put God into. my spirit rejoices that the misunderstanding of God's heart is questioned, if just briefly.

tonight, as most everyone i know sits in church - out of love or obligation or both - i sit here, alone with my thoughts and the desires of my heart. it throbs with wonder and glee at the cunning brilliance of our God, putting into motion a plan that will ultimately cost Him His life, in order to gain back ours. my heart beats in rebellion and sadness that this night has become about salvation. so easy to make it about that, right? i understand. so much easier to grasp the idea of "your sins are forgiven" than the idea of life restored and hearts renewed, and all that will require of us.

... and i can't help but think that He's grinning, too, heart beating in love and adoration and staggering vulnerability that we are beginning to understand. the lies of the enemy are being exposed. our mistrust in the heart of God is being proved false and unfounded... again. He proved it when He slipped into the world as a babe. He proved it through the example He set with His life. He proved it when He died. He proved it when He rose. He proved it when He ascended. He proved it when He sent His Spirit. and He's been proving it ever since.

amazing. my heart stumbles over the thought of the Holy One proving Himself to anyone or anything. that He continues to do so just staggers me. He continues to defy us, the enemy and the box we keep trying to put Him in. is it such a difficult thought to think that the God who lives a life of defiance calls us to live such a life, as well?

mythic

allow me, then, to review what we have encountered. first, our lives are not a random series of events; they tell a Story that has meaning. we aren’t in a movie we’ve arrived at twenty minutes late; we are in a Sacred Romance. there really is something wonderful that draws our heart; we are being wooed. but there is also something fearful. we face an enemy with vile intentions. is anyone in charge? someone strong and kind who notices us? at some point we have all answered that question “no” and gone on to live in a smaller story. but the answer is “yes”—there is someone strong and kind who notices us. our Story is written by God, who is more than author, he is the romantic lead in our personal dramas. he created us for himself, and now he is moving heaven and earth to restore us to his side. his wooing seems wild because he seeks to free our heart from the attachments and addictions we’ve chosen, thanks to the Arrows we’ve known.

and we—who are we, really? we are not pond scum, nor are we the lead in the story. we are the Beloved; our hearts are the most important thing about us, and our desire is wild because it is made for a wild God. we are the Beloved, and we are addicted. we’ve either given our heart to other lovers and can’t get out of the relationships, or we’ve tried our best to kill desire (often with the help of others) and live lives of safe, orderly control. either way, we play into the hands of the one who hates us. satan is the mortal enemy of God and therefore ours as well, who comes with offers of less-wild lovers, hoping to deceive us in order to destroy our heart and thus prevent our salvation or cripple our sanctification. these are the stage, the characters, and the plot in the broadest possible terms. where do we go from here?

-- john eldredge (the sacred romance pp 147-148)

Godhead

november 3, 2007. i was in jacksonville, visiting a friend and tending to my heart. hurricane noel had just brushed by, and we were on ponte vedra beach, looking for whatever had been uncovered or washed ashore by the wind and waves. i was looking at a small cliff created by severe beach erosion, looking backwards through time, exposed by the different layers of the collapse.

(this is the same beach i was... summoned to in the summer of 2006. it lies along the same body of water where my father was lost at sea some 16 years ago. He healed much in my heart that summer. this beach has become ours.)

as i tarried, i asked the Lord what He wanted to show me that day. He said, "I am faithful and true." i agreed with Him, praising Him that i know that to be true.

He said, "NO. I am Faithful and True." ahhh... got it. "yes, Lord, You are." and i got the sense that i was speaking to more than Jesus, my friend, or Jesus, my ally, or even Abba, my Father.

i felt prompted to look down and to the right, and i saw something old - very old... (as in 10,000 years old... a pleistocene-era upper right molar of a horse, as it turns out) i picked it up, and He said, "AND I am Ancient, as well."

to say i almost fell flat on my face is an understatement. my heart sang even as i trembled in the very real presence of the Holy of Holies - the Ancient of Days - the Most High God... the Godhead, three in one.

Faithful. True. Ancient.

Father. Son. Holy Spirit.

i am trembling, even now, as i type this a month later.

rise

we are now far into this Epic that every great story points to. we have reached the moment where we, too, must find our courage and rise up to recover our hearts and fight for the hearts of others. the hour is late, and much time has been wasted. aslan is on the move; we must rally to him at the stone table. we must find geppetto lost at sea. we must ride hard, ride to minas tirith and join the last great battle for middle earth.

Jesus calls to you to be his intimate ally once more. there are great things to be done and great sacrifices to be made. you won’t lose heart if you know what’s really going on here, where this Story is headed and what your Lover has promised to you.

it is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. it is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. it is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name . . . that is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is that it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still. (telling the truth)

this is the gospel.

this is the Story we are living in.

may you play your part well.

-- john eldredge (epic, 103, 104)

stretched...

appearance

but the LORD said to samuel, "do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. the LORD does not look at the things man looks at. man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

-- 1 samuel 16:7 (niv)

i know many people - including myself - who love the Lord with all their hearts, who don't live as though this passage is a reflection of God's heart. funny how we find comfort for ourselves in this verse, but so consistently fail to extend that much-needed grace to others.

case in point - i have a friend who is a daughter of the King, strong and beautiful and courageous. however, she looks fragile and wounded. this is not what i see in her, nor is it what you should see.

similarly, when people look at me, they usually see varying degrees of strength and independence, coupled with hardness or ferocity that belies who i truly am.

looking through the eyes of Jesus... well, now that's a different perspective altogether. what we see on the outside is not an accurate reflection of one's heart, and therefore should not be what we consider to be most true about that person...

though seeing, they do not see;
though hearing, they do not hear or understand.
in them is fulfilled the prophecy of isaiah:
" 'you will be ever hearing but never understanding;
you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
for this people's heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.'

but blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.

-- Jesus, as quoted by matthew in chapter 13, verses 13-16 (niv)

200

wow - can you believe i've put you through 200 posts???

thanks for reading... really.

most true

two things from tonight are reverberating in my heart - things He's shown me that i cannot forget. i will not forget these Truths about me, about you, that are most true about us.

yes, LORD... we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.

-- isaiah 26:8

God in my living
there in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
there in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything

God in my hoping
there in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
there in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory

be my everything

-- everything, tim hughes

practice...