fearless

i've had a hard week. maybe that's a bit understated; i've had a really, really hard week. even that's an understatement, but you get the gist. it's been tough, and it culminated yesterday into an all-out nightmare. in the midst of it, in my more sane moments when i am not gnashing my teeth nor rending my garments, i find myself reflecting on a picture a friend of mine shared the other day:

when i first saw it, i commented with a quip, "...am learning..." little did i know how quickly that little quote would come into play in my life.

in the deepest, darkest hours of last night, alone with emotions raging inside of me, my thoughts stilled for a moment on this quote. i was raging at HIM because He has asked too much of me this time; He has asked me to forgive someone... AGAIN. the echoes of people He's asked me to forgive ran through my mind, and the sheer length of the list left me breathless. it was staggering. it IS staggering. it seemed as though the images of those who have wronged me in my life were on a reel, and it was unraveling before me as their faces crossed my mind. my heart is skipping a few beats even recalling those moments last night, and even in the remembering of the names of those who have gone before, those whom He has asked me to forgive UNSPEAKABLE wrongs, i felt my heart quaking. i'm not gonna lie - i'm shaking again just writing about this.

here's the thing: you can't truly get past a wrong until you loosen your grip around their necks and release them to Him. His justice, His timing, His way. i know this to be true. but damn it all to hell, i want to be angry. i want to allow myself to feel the weight of the wrong. i want to... live in peace, undisturbed by those who choose to exist outside the Kingdom. here's the other thing: He won't let me. His life isn't peaceful; it certainly is not lived without being subjected to scorn, injustice, betrayal.

i wrestled with these thoughts for hours. and i mean literally wrestled, as in tossed, turned, flipped, flopped, beat the pillows, and yelled in protest as i fought my flesh and rode my anger into the emotion lying beneath it - fear. i was afraid. it's that simple, and that complex. if i have to put a name to what i fear, i guess i would most honestly say that i fear life with Him is too hard, and life without Him is unbearable. He asks too much of me.

the idea of living life fearlessly has been with me for awhile. in reflecting on what i went through last night, i realized that living fearlessly does not mean living without fear. it means living through the fear and into Life... but you gotta believe that Life is worth living - and that's where i got stuck.

(j.r.r. tolkien)

truthfully, i'm not fully unstuck, which is why the tenses keep changing as i write. as i was looking for the picture of the quote mentioned at the top, i ran across all of these other pictures first. notice a theme here?

i think i'm done wrestling, for now. i will always wrestle; it's in my nature to do so. thankfully, the length of the wrestling matches has shortened over time. last night was seemingly endless, dark, fraught with anger and fear. my hope is that tonight, i will rest in the knowledge of mercy and grace, both given and received, throughout this day. last night, i was slamming myself against the Rock. this night, i choose to rest in peace, with wayward thoughts held captive and firm reminders of His mercy and grace so evident in my life today held, white-knuckled, until they are no longer a mantra and a shield, but a place in which to dwell, safe in the knowledge that the Kingdom is not at risk, and neither am i.

reflection, part 1

i've been trying to wrap my head around what's happening in our country, and i'm having a really hard time… which is weird, because i am normally very confident about what i believe and am not threatened in any way when others believe differently. and when i have been wrong, i happily and humbly changed what or how i believe according to newly discovered truth. perhaps this is the crux of my discomfort tonight; i have seen a new truth, and i cannot happily nor humbly accept it as truth.

maybe it's not that others believe differently but rather that other people i KNOW, LOVE, and RESPECT believe so very differently on a very fundamental level about who we are as humans, as friends, as christians, as americans, as global citizens… and how this DISSONANCE affects all of these aspects of our personal and national CHARACTER.

here are some of the thoughts i've been struggling with, in no particular order. feel free to comment - my purpose here is to allow my thoughts to become more coherent, thus more articulate, thus more relevant. remember, though, that this is a space for honest reflection and as such, i will guard it diligently against any form of hatred, bullying, or spite. and remember, i do this as much out of love for you as i do for the other commenters who are looking for a safe place to wander through this new world in which we find ourselves. you are loved.

division - i may have only spent 43 years on this earth, but i cannot recall a time when our country has been so divided. the most recent i can call to mind is the civil rights movement in the 1960's, but i wasn't around for that. over the past year, the past week, and especially the past five days, i've borne witness to such radically opposing views that families, friends, communities, political parties, and global allies have been strained to the breaking point and/or beyond. how can we "make america great again"* when there exists so much division that there are nightly protests AFTER the election is over? as an american, i'm so ashamed.

*i ABHOR this slogan, statement, thought. i use it here only emphatically.

fear - i have people in my life whom i love, respect, admire, and even revere who are living in fear in the aftermath of this week. the message, as far as i can discern, is that they feel unloved, unaccepted, disrespected, abhorred, and abandoned. these people cross all genders, sexual identities, races, religions, nationalities, worldview, lifestyles, education, and life experience. I LOVE THESE PEOPLE… and we now find ourselves living in a country who, quite frankly, has said that she doesn't give a COLLECTIVE SHIT about how some of our citizens' lives have quite literally turned on a dime… or a vote, as it were. we have allowed a climate of fear to permeate our country. since when are we ok with this? as an american, i'm so ashamed.

rationalization - i have a remarkable number - perhaps even disproportionally so - of friends who are HIGHLY educated and/or successful in their careers. i RESPECT their opinions and contributions to the conversation… until contribution becomes rhetoric. and then i begin to wonder who they are trying to convince - me or themselves? the die is cast - why are they still arguing their point? as an american, i'm so ashamed.

faith - this one hits a very tender part of my heart. i consider myself a faithful person. i even go so far as to claim the name christian. but it has become apparent to me that my personal theology is quite different from people with whom i have worshipped, served, cried, rejoiced, and lived A LOT of life alongside. at the core, i believe my heart is pointed toward love. and i believe that these people would say the same thing about themselves. but this cannot be, as the way we show God's love to the world is diametrically opposed. i cannot get my heart around this thought. and it has shaken me to the core. as an american, i'm so ashamed.

national identity - remember when the cubbies won the world series? can you believe that was only LAST WEEK? remember when your social media feeds and televisions were bursting with images of unity, celebration - hope? how can that be so fleeting? so tenuous? even something as catastrophic as 9/11 unified us as a country for a finite amount of time, and then something else happened, and off we were again, infighting about something. why? are our memories so short and fallible? one of my favorite lines in all of tv history is, "short memories. that is the impression i have of you as a people," said by a terrorist to a federal agent (NCIS, truth or consequences, S07E01). as an american, i'm so ashamed.

dignity - so many rabbits to chase here, but the one i've been chasing the most is trying to wrap my mind around this man's picture going up on the wall in THE white house, alongside washington, lincoln, kennedy, roosevelt… etc etc, et al. HOW CAN THIS BE REAL? how? why? how? as an american, i'm so ashamed.

i spoke to a friend yesterday. i have not actually laid eyes on this person since 2008, but i still hold them in the HIGHEST regard. some friendships, if we are very lucky, are forged in love and fire so that they thrive without the benefit of proximal geography. this person also happens to be one of the most influential people in my life, and i'm honored and humbled to call them friend. and this friend is scared. because they are gay. and getting married. this fiercely loving, smart as all hell, funny, gregarious, carpe diem friend is, for the first time in memory, AFRAID to be themselves in today's america. as an american, i'm so ashamed.

permission - i think this man won IN PART because he allowed himself to voice the unspoken, likely deeply repressed, deepest, darkest, most base aspect of humanity: he allows hate to be openly expressed. and in return, an enormous amount of people breathed a huge, collective sigh of relief and allowed their hate to surface, too. bigotry, racism, religious persecution, intolerance. as an american, i'm so ashamed.

might - americans, in general, are proud of our military might. we are certainly proud of our military friends and families, of everyone who puts on the uniform and steps up to protect our rights… even the right to vote. i PROUDLY stand in the midst of these thankful americans. where my heart skips SEVERAL beats is at the thought of putting our soldiers - our sons and daughters - at unnecessary risk because we value the world's perception of us as the mightiest military the wold has ever known. the world USED to think that about us, and the events (mostly terrorist attacks, i think) of the past few decades have seeped into our collective consciousness and we've realized that the perception has degraded over time. in response, we want to be feared again. well… if we desire to be feared, is that not because we fear? and what about nukes and torture and alienating our allies? how can we put these things back on the table and NOT expect our soldiers (and our citizens around the world) to be treated with the same tactics? are we so naive as to believe that once we openly allow torture (sorry - is that not the correct term? is it now "enhanced interrogation"?) and nuclear "re-armament" to be part of our arsenal that those SAME tools won't be used AGAINST us? as an american, i am so ashamed.

regression - we have fought valiantly to become a people who value progress, acceptance, and the continuous journey toward knowledge above just about all else. we say we value family, freedom, and the pursuit of liberty. really? is this really what we value? sadly, i think the results of this election prove just the opposite. we have allowed centuries of forging our identity as THE GLOBAL IDEAL FOR LIFE AND GOVERNMENT to be MUTED. as an american, i'm so ashamed.

unapologetic - my heart is heavy this night. i will not offer meaningless platitudes; nor will i offer apologies for voicing these thoughts. my heart is crushed, and i am surrounded by darkness as the protests continue and the reality of the next four years sinks into my soul. i was going to write, "my God have mercy on us all" as a sarcastic quip to end this post. but, honestly... right now, i think He left america to fend for ourselves a really, really long time ago. He gave us the gift of free will, and we've chosen what that looks like, and how that defines us, at least for the foreseeable future. the Kingdom is not at risk, but we, as a nation, certainly are. as an american, i am so ashamed.

as an american, i'm so ashamed.

{these thoughts are raw and mostly unfiltered. and INCOMPLETE. there's just too much churning inside to get it all out in one post. another great line comes to mind: "with hope. love should end with hope… hope guides me. it is what gets me through the day and especially the night. the hope that after you're gone from my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you,"" (kate, a knight's tale, 2001). i realize that many of you will VEHEMENTLY and perhaps VIOLENTLY disagree with me. i recognize the risk i'm taking by making these very private musings public. i believe it's a discussion worth having and therefore a risk i am WILLING to take. remember… you are loved.}

#america #election #protests #USelection #election2016 #USA

#GISHWHES #2016 #globalforest

an open letter to anyone who knows anything about the travis aaron wade debacle

ok. i think it's time for someone unbiased to speak up. in the absence of that, i will speak up. i have not formed an opinion, so i'm not on anyone's "side." i'm just tired of seeing this whole train wreck go unanswered by someone without a dog in this fight, so i will be that someone, because i have a voice too… and it needs to be heard.

first things first: i was a victim of rape. multiple times. i use the word "was" because i choose not to be a victim anymore. what was done TO me does not and never will define who i am or who i am becoming. i disclose this very personal information simply to say that i am not without empathy for anyone involved. and yes, i realize that rape is NOT the allegation here, and there is NO INTENTION to suggest that it is. it's brought up merely to establish empathetic credibility for those coming forward with allegations of inappropriate behavior by TAW.

i've been watching this unfold for a while now, and what strikes me very deeply is the naïveté of some of the people involved. it is unfathomable to me that anyone can live in a world of digital access to almost everyone on the planet and still not to know the following:

~ giving your phone number to ANYONE you don't personally know is at best UNSAFE. you also have the ability to BLOCK anyone who calls you, should you make a decision to give out your personal information and decide later that it was an unwise one. and while on the subject of phones, most have a screen capture ability. on an iPhone, press the home and power button at the same time to capture a SCREENSHOT. android peeps, look it up. it's useful technology. use the tools available to you. and one more thought - phone calls can be RECORDED. by both sides. tread carefully here, all of you.

{*EDIT #1: regarding DM's - a reader has pointed out that some applications allow you to receive DM's from anyone. this is exceptionally good news, because it offers yet another layer of protection against harassment on twitter. depending on what app you use to access twitter, it may look differently, but you have the ability to change this setting at any time.}

~ you cannot receive DM's on twitter from just anyone.* you HAVE to actually *follow each other* to DM. how this has escaped notice is beyond my comprehension. here is an example of an account i follow that follows me back:

and here is an example of an account i follow that does not follow me back:

~ you have the ability to UNFOLLOW, BLOCK, and REPORT ANYONE you want to in the twittersphere AND just about every other social media platform out there. use that ability. 

~ ridiculing people for speaking up for what or who they believe in is shameful and YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER. if you didn't know that, now you do. that goes to EVERYONE who does have a dog on either side of this fight.

~ trying to ruin someone's life and livelihood is a big deal. a VERY BIG DEAL. proceed with caution and much deliberation. 

~in the same vein, acting inappropriately, especially in a sexually suggestive manner toward any unwilling recipient, is a big deal. a VERY BIG DEAL. this type of behavior is inexcusable and IF APPLICABLE, you should cease and desist IMMEDIATELY. 

~ we have professionals trained to handle allegations like this. they are law enforcement officers trained as detectives, and they are employed by YOU and their salaries are paid for by YOUR taxes. it's THEIR JOB to find the truth and act within the law to ensure that JUSTICE prevails. up to this point, there has been no legal action against TAW regarding any of this that i am aware of. again, i'm NOT calling anyone liars here. i'm just pointing out that there is a RIGHT WAY to handle this. it's been handled incorrectly long enough.

it seems to me, based on what i've read about this entire situation, that there has been a decided lack of wisdom displayed by many involved, even marginally so, on both sides. worse, i see people living in what they call "fear." "fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil." ~aristotle fact: living in fear is a CHOICE. choose NOT to live there. it's a sucky place to dwell.

to the ones speaking out against TAW: you have a voice. you're using it. make sure you use it for good. 

to the defenders of the ones speaking against TAW: you also have a voice. make sure you use it for good. 

to the defenders of TAW: you also have a voice. make sure you use it for good. 

to those who can't or won't speak up: you also have a voice. silence is a viable option, and sometimes a very good one. 

to my SPN family: we are better than this. we are better as one. family don't end with blood, and this will not either. we are the ones who believe whole-heartedly that we must #alwayskeepfighting and that #youarenotalone, we are the #waywarddaughters and we should not be trying to shame each other, nor should we be afraid to speak up on either side of this. we are family. period. (disclaimer: the use of the hashtags in this paragraph IN NO WAY suggests or even hints that anyone connected with these campaigns shares my thoughts. they are brought up to remind us of the reality in which we dwell.)

to anyone ready to burn TAW at the stake: i encourage you to re-read this and use your mind and your reason to make your decision, not your emotions. they ARE NOT the same things. i'm not saying you are right, nor am i saying you're wrong. there is not a hint of disbelief here. HEAR ME ON THIS: I AM NOT CALLING ANYONE LIARS. i'm merely urging cautious deliberation before action, and encouraging you to involve the ones who can really help you - the authorities.

to everyone ready to burn me at the stake: i've been subject to the wrong end of the gun in a situation where someone decided they wanted to ruin me, both personally and professionally, so my voice and my experience lead me to this unfortunate moral position: to open my digital mouth to speak up. i have already lost people i consider friends to this particular situation. i know this letter to will cost me more.

at the end of the day, i have to look in the mirror and be able to live with my choices. i choose to speak into a situation to offer perspective and reason. if i've failed in that quest, then i have to live with that, too... and I'm ok with that. i've used my voice for good, and that's what i'm urging EACH ONE OF US to do.

i choose to live a life of peace and hope, not fear, anger, and vengeance. i hope you choose the same and move forward accordingly... wherever that choice brings you. grace and peace to you all.

you are loved. 

ag

ps - to those who choose to agree with me, please DO NOT try to drag me into this fight. you will not succeed. if you do happen to agree with me, the best thing you can do is RT and/or share. i also have the ability to unfollow and block, and i use them on a regular basis.

pps - feel free to comment below. know beforehand that any hate directed toward anyone will be deleted as soon as i see it. i've even enabled the ability to comment anonymously, given the very delicate nature of this situation. i've also unlocked this account so that anyone can read and comment.

ppps - i have not written in 2 years, so if i have not addressed something that's important to you, by all means, let's discuss it. as adults. respectfully. refer to my first post-script for reminder/reference.

pppps - you are loved.

tempered

[disclaimer - these thoughts are my own somewhat muddled musings about a podcast i listened to today. any interpretation of the content is my own, and should not be considered as endorsed or in any way affiliated with josh causey or the ring community church.]

i listened to a podcast today (if the link doesn't work, it's the ring community church podcast by josh causey, sermon title "isaiah 53:1-3 - despised and rejected..." you can find in the iTunes store).

that, in and of itself, is not new nor newsworthy. i've been in colorado for just over 2 months now and have only attended church here once - 2 words - "megachurch" and "yikes" - so i've been seeking spiritual nourishment in several alternate forms - podcasts, books, community, conversations, hikes in the mountains...

and that's where this story begins. in the mountains, where the veil between heaven and earth is very, very thin. i hold a running conversation with God as i walk through the mountains. i can hear Him more clearly up among the trees and boulders than just about anywhere else in the world. maybe it's because i'm away from the noise and confusion of life, or maybe it's because i am intentionally seeking His presence and interaction, but we hold actual conversations. sometimes, it's just silence - a mutual enjoyment of one another without a need for words. and sometimes, He will show me something in nature, something breath-taking and unexpected, and it's both a joyous celebration of His creativity and majesty, and a way for Him to gain access to parts of my heart that are not yet fully submitted to Him. call it a holy ambush. i find myself stepping around a bend in the trail or out onto a boulder and my breath is just gone. and in that moment of holiness, there is a stark contrast between the beauty before me and the wretchedness of the life behind me.

this is an important side note - i'm not one who believes that we are sinners, saved by grace. we WERE sinners, but NOW we are saints, and we all still struggle with some type of sin, and therefore all still on a life-long journey of sanctification... and i truly believe that this journey is intended to be a grand adventure, designed by a loving, powerful, masterfully creative and hilarious God.

honestly, the word "sin" doesn't enter my mind very often. i lead a fairly simple life, committed to Jesus and His call for His bride to be pure and holy, ready for His return. i struggle to think of any sin issues that are glaringly in the way of my present pursuit of life with Him. i think this is why this particular podcast caught me off guard, in a good way. it forced me to think about some things that He's been bringing up lately, and to think about them in a new and holy light.

since my arrival here, i've had a perspective on my past that is new and different and astonishing. i've seen glimpses of my past - times of utter rebellion and consuming selfishness - that i've not thought about in a very, very long time. i guess it took so many years to work through some of the trauma and grief in my life that needed holy emergency room, ICU healing BEFORE i could look back to realize how far He had to reach to pluck me out of the muck and mire of my life... my early choices made without the benefit of wisdom or Godly counsel. drugs, sex, self-worship... i have been astounded by what i've remembered while up here in the hills, and i am shocked by what i remember. i am shocked that He loved me, that He was in constant pursuit of me, even in the depths of my deepest, darkest, most shameful hours.

i know that every sin - then, now, and evermore - has been atoned for by the Blood of the Lamb. i am covered by His blood, and God sees me through the righteousness of Christ applied to my life. i am a new creation, with a heart of flesh, and indwelled by the Holy Spirit. i am a daughter of the King, a co-heir with Christ, whose worth is bestowed by the only One able to do so. my life is defined by who i am becoming, NOT by who i was. i HATE the idiom that says we are defined by the life we've lived. AS CHRISTIANS, NO WE ARE NOT, DAMMIT. we are defined by Whose we are, and who we are becoming in Him. as far as i'm concerned, it's a slap in the face of Jesus to deny the work He's accomplished in our lives by identifying ourselves with our pasts, not our present and eternal future with Him as His bride.

so when i listened to this podcast today, these glimpses of my past - full of sin and rebellion and blatant defiance of Him - came back to mind, i tried to understand what He's up to with bringing all this back up. my mind keeps circling around these thoughts: He is good. i've spent the better part of my young life flipping Him the bird and laughing about it as i went on my merry way. He loves me, then, now, always. His ways are higher than mine, and His thoughts are higher than mine. He loves me with an abandon and an intentional vulnerability that astonishes me, and is engaged in a determined pursuit that brings me to holy tears. 

i see the bleakness of my past. i relish in the beauty of redemption. i am undone by His grace, and i see more clearly now the stark contrast of my past, the holy rescue, the present journey, and eternal glory. if anything, i love Him more this night than ever.

i find myself very grateful. astonished. loved. undone. i see a stark contrast between my life before Him and my life now. i am incredibly grateful for the honest and balanced teaching I've sat under at the ring community church. i am deeply aware of my need for the people He's placed in my life - heart friends who know all of me and love me - not despite of me - but because of who i am becoming as i pursue life with Him. the wild and flippant rebel has become aware of a life worth living, a glory bestowed, a ferocious heart tempered by grace, humility, suffering, brokenness, and transformed into something beautiful... HIS.

celebrate

in my family, over the past 20 or so years, there's been a slow erosion of life, like a deep gasping moan of someone struggling for the very breath of life. it's an erosion so insidious that it's presence was barely perceptible, but this weekend, it's been exposed for the theft that it is... the Bible says that the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. i get that. or at least i have a pretty good understanding that we have an enemy, that he hates us, and that he will seize every opportunity to destroy life, any movement toward God and away from death. i don't think i had a full grasp of the "theft" part of that verse; it came to glaring light over this weekend.

apathy is a terrible thing. the results of apathy are equally as terrible. within families, when someone (or everyone) just lets things slide, something precious is lost. many precious things are lost: tradition, celebration, affirmation, acknowledgement, encouragement... the bindings of family are LOST. 

it started with birthdays in my family. when dad was lost at sea, i reported him missing on mom's birthday. the next birthday was his, and there was no celebrating that. then my sister's, and then mine, and then the kids, and all of a sudden, birthdays just didn't matter anymore. at first, it was a product of grief. but over the years it became a slow, malingering decline of the heart that invaded every aspect of who we are as a family.

the next to go were the lesser holidays. valentine's, carnival, memorial day, independence day, labor day, halloween, even the arrival of autumn... these days became just like any other day on the calendar, with not even a family dinner or phone call or text message. nothing. these holidays, which used to be so full of life and fun have faded into nothingness. such a terrible loss.

and then came the big ones - christmas and easter. we kinda sorta still make a token effort to celebrate these, well, because that's what christian families do. but even these efforts were nothing more than a home-cooked meal and football or baseball, and then everyone went back to their homes, safe from any more attempts at mustering any joy at these occasions. or connection. or laughter.

tears prick my eyes as i type, as the full weight of understanding what we've lost over the years really sinks into my heart... but this is a tale of joy. as tolkien said, you must go through the darkness to emerge into the light.

the family i am staying with is committed to living intentionally in every aspect of their lives. i can remember even within the history of this blog where i made every effort to do the same. even so, the effort and intentionality was concerned with my own life, not the life of my family. how sad to be so self-involved and so willing to let all that tradition and love and life just slip away. not that it was my job, per se, to rally the troops for every occasion under the sun, but in my quest for life and love, i left something very precious behind. i let the traditions fade into memory. i allowed that to happen. so did the other members of my family. we are apathetic, and it destroyed much of what binds a family together.

back to the present tale: my birthday was a couple of days ago, and MUCH to my chagrin, heather insisted on celebrating. to me, this meant an obligatory cake and maybe a dinner. oh no, friends. not heather. she whisked me out of the house for coffee and conversation over breakfast at a little coffee house within walking distance in this little town nestled in the rocky mountains. from there, we walked to a beautiful little shop run by a sweet lady who sells stuff made by women who have been rescued from sex trafficking. after much laughter and rejoicing for these women's rescue, we walked back to the house and heather made me lunch. when questioned about what i wanted for dinner, i hemmed and hawed, not wanting to put her to any more trouble. pressed for an answer, i finally said, "IF i were at home, and IF you were my mom, i MIGHT ask you to make homemade fried chicken. or pasta. but you're NOT my mom and i don't want to be any trouble, so just make dinner for your family and i will enjoy that with you. that's more than enough for me." what a pathetic answer, and heather was having none of it. she let me demur, and said nothing. eventually, she went out with the kids and i was left alone to nap in the sunshine, take a warm bath, and move on into my bedroom for a real nap. i woke up in time to take a few calls from friends, and then (tried) to attend a family meeting at my church via speaker phone. it was an epic fail, but just hearing the distorted voices and laughter of so many people i love in one room, even over a terrible phone connection, was so good for my soul. when i emerged from my room, i walked straight into - you guessed it, the smell of fried chicken. AND goat cheese pasta. seriously?

but does the tale stop here? hardly. next up was heather's traditional birthday cake, made in my honor - a poppy seed cake, which was delicious. but that's not all. she has 3 wonderful kids, and they, one by one, presented me with hand-drawn cards and gifts. first was chocolate from the 6-year old boy (i am understating this - it was ghirardelli dark and sea salt caramel squares). next was lip balm and gum from the 9-year old girl, which made me laugh. and then i was presented with a hand-written card from the oldest boy, who is 10. he gave me a $10 bill to buy the worship cd that goes along with the book, becoming myself. such specificity and thoughtful selflessness from one so young... to which the youngest boy immediately ran to his wallet and presented me with $5 more to add to the offering. under much duress and after much protestation, i finally accepted (sorta) gracefully. and then it was heather's turn. she gave me a sweet card and a framed picture of us from the weekend we met, last march when we served together on the work crew at a captivating retreat here in colorado. reminders of life and love and joy. as if all this weren't enough to make my heart burst, the joy of the day was punctuated by texts and calls all day from friends and loved ones who wanted to make sure that i knew i was loved and missed. i even got a text from my mom, which is funny and sad - ironic - all at the same time. i went to bed with my heart just aching, bittersweet as these thoughts i am now typing were forming, and feeling well-loved, all at the same time.

and the tale does not stop there. the next day was spent much like the day before, with much intentionality and prayer and STEAK. and GIRLS NIGHT. ezra, heather's husband, grilled us steak, and then he and jake (another of the amazing husbands here) gathered all the kids - 8 in total, i believe - sent us to stacey's house for a girls night to celebrate all the february birthdays. 7 of us settled in over lemon drops and sangria, and had a spectacular night of laughter and deep connection, love and joy - a true celebration of life, and all that Jesus is doing in our lives. there might have even been a bit of 4-wheeling up the driveway, which happened to be uphill covered in show and ice...

and the tale does not stop there. today, we continued with the napping and the baking and the celebrating. my room is filled with flowers - roses, hyacinth, lilies, and a tiny cactus. i went running, and the mountains were covered in a frozen fog, even as i ran in 45 degrees, the wind whipping me breathless as i conquered the hills. i felt so alive my blood was positively zinging through my veins!

and so i sit here tonight, having retired to my room early, to give heather and ezra some time to themselves. i am equal parts sad, joyous, and deeply convicted of what i've allowed the enemy to steal from my family. to give up, to lose hope, is to lose EVERYTHING that makes a family thrive and bind together. ahhh... there are so many thoughts stirring, so many rabbits i could chase on losing hope, letting tradition die... but those are thoughts for another night. this night, i am loved. i am renewed. i am full of wonder and hope and joy.

tonight, on this birthday night of my church, my fervent prayer is that we, as a church family, never lose hope, never let go of meaningful tradition, never stop reveling in what the Lord is doing in our lives, never stop living with intentionality and love and joy... that we would never stop celebrating the faithfulness of our God, His lavish and extravagant love, His boundless grace, and His relentless pursuit of redemption, restoration, trust and love. He won't have it any other way - He insists we rejoice and be glad!

i think He may be onto something...

happy birthday to everyone who calls the ring community church family. you are much loved.

flatlander

[author's note - i have recently relocated to the front range of the colorado rocky mountains. here, i am known as a flatlander, since i am new to life at altitude, hence the name of this post.]

these days, i find myself ensconced in the home of my friend, heather, and her lovely family in colorado. this is amazing on many, many levels, to be sure, and i find myself wanting to record how drastically not just my life has changed, but also about how the details of my life have changed. for example...

BATHING/GROOMING/HYGIENE/PERSONAL CARE - this must be the place i start, as obscure as this topic may seem at first blush:

• there are no HEATERS in ANY colorado bathroom i've ever encountered. home designers, this is directed at you. what gives? who designs a home with bathrooms that are not heated, are situated against an outside wall, and said wall lacks extra insulation? BRRRR. on the upside, my yoga practice is going to be vastly improved, as my balancing skills are put to use every time i set foot in the tub.
• this deserves further elaboration, specifically bath versus shower:
• BATHING - STOP. DO NOT ENTER. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SETTING FOOT IN THE TUB WITHOUT FIRST TURNING ON THE WATER FULL HOT. resist the temptation to cool the faucet water down. trust me on this. the water will cool rapidly due to the exterior wall and lack of heater... and your own freezing cold body in desperate need of warmth. to this end, it will behoove you to delay disrobing until your bath is fully drawn.
• SHOWERING (women, this is for you, well, because men, this would just be weird - unless you're an athlete - then by all means, proceed!) - when shaving while standing, balance on one leg and raise the other to the wall in front of you. balance only on one leg and one toe pressed against the wall. this way, you minimize contact of body parts on any surface. yogis, rejoice.
• BATHING PRODUCTS - body wash, at elevation, does not foam well or for any decent length of time. anticipate using twice as much of any product (see exception below). i suspect the same goes for shaving cream, although no woman in this household uses it. my semi-educated guess as to the reason for this phenomena is lack of available oxygen in the air (we currently reside at 7300 feet of altitude).
• MOUTH WASH - this is apparently the exception to the body products rule. mouth wash foams at an alarming rate, and if you are not prepared to spit, you will end up with cheeks like a chipmunk and mouthwash spurting out at an alarming velocity. practical tip - use 1/2 your normal amount and rinse twice. my hygienist friends will appreciate this advice.
• LIQUIDS - in general, anything that does not exist in a solid state is going to explode at some point if you don't properly prepare prior to your arrival. ziploc baggies are your friends. use them copiously. double-bag EVERYTHING if you are ascending over 5000 feet. also of note, if you loosen the caps on items, you will minimize the explosion and thus loss of product. or better yet, if you are traveling to altitude for a short time, wait until you get to your destination and buy your toiletries there. this may seem wasteful at first, but especially with toiletries, why risk having them thrown away at the airport for being too large or worse, having to clean up the explosion once you've arrived?
• SALINE NASAL SPRAY - if you are hailing from a humid climate, saline nasal spray will be your best friend... that and your LIP BALM with SPF of at least 15 and KLEENEX. consider these three items the holy trinity for traveling to altitude. bring or buy copious amounts of these items and keep them with you at ALL TIMES. miss one day and your lips and skin will severely reprimand you.
• SUNSCREEN and SUNGLASSES - these really should be part of the holy trinity of which i just wrote, but that just screws up the metaphor. you are at least a mile and perhaps 2.5 miles above sea level, which means you are that much closer to the sun. you will burn here any time of year, as the summers are very hot and the winters typically include snow, which reflects sunlight onto your skin and eyes. don't spoil your trip the very first day by blistering your eyes, lips, and skin in the sun.
• WATER BOTTLES - hydrate hydrate hydrate. you cannot drink too much water here. oh, and do the earth a favor and buy ONE nalgene or "reusable" bottle. despite what my friend heather says, buying 15 nalgenes to color-coordinate with your outfits is not an excuse for said bottles eventually ending up in a landfill FOREVER. seriously - this stuff actually does not decay over time - unless we are thinking in geologic time. then yes, they will eventually degrade, in oh, about 60,000,000 years. ok, end of earth stewardship lecture.
• STATIC ELECTRICITY - it's here. it doesn't go away. be kind and discharge your built up static electricity onto a metal object before you touch a person. or an animal. or any living thing. be kind. ESPECIALLY at a gas station.

dinner is ready and i am starving, having spent all day yesterday throwing up... but that's a different story for another time. of note, it's currently 1.2 degrees with blowing snow... the windows have fogged up so the view of the snow is obscured. i'm adapting surprisingly well for someone who despises being cold. it's amazing what God can do when He calls you follow Him...

soli Deo gloria. much love, friends.

running

before i even begin to write, let me just rejoice for a moment that i finally have moved past the writer's block that struck just after i wrote the last post. REJOICE REJOICE REJOICE!

ok, now that the jig-dancing has slowed to a deep humming in my spirit...

through a series of crazy events over the past 2 days, i learned something new. something incredibly freeing. and something very cool.

i've lived outside of christian community for over a year now. until 2 weeks ago, exactly.  that's when i finally took the plunge back into community group. i'd re-entered the world of church attendance, but living in community happens outside of sunday night. and we can't do this life alone. we're not created to live this life alone.

so i found myself (and my sister!!!) sitting in a house full of people last night. because it is just that easy. and that hard. just step back in. so much grace in that. seriously.

and then i found myself pretty much kicked off the couch to pray for a girl who shared during group. in my not-so-distant world, praying for others was my norm. not so much these days. until last night.

so there i was, praying - with voice quivering, i don't mind admitting - over and for this beautiful young daughter of the King who needed Truth to overwhelm her and to re-center her. as the other women in the room continued to pray, i felt my spirit "bow up" as it were, in a posture of defiance and defense that i have not been in in quite a long time. over a year, at least. for someone who has spent the majority of the past 10 years actively developing and using the gift of intercession, not praying is just not natural... so to feel that familiar bowing up, to sense clearly danger and re-direction, to pray only what the Spirit led me to say and nothing more... well, that was like coming home.

slight digression at this juncture - i was stirred up last sunday night at church, too. it was my first sunday in over a year and a half where i wasn't late and could actually take part in the entire service. the very first song we sang was "sing to the King" and that song just riles me up. it stirs something very primal in me, and my hands flew up and stayed up. i was singing/shouting as loud as i could and didn't even care when my voice cut out when i couldn't hit a note. when the song ended, jess turned around and told me, "it just feels like everything is right with the world when you're back there singing." or something to that effect. which is kinda fun because i was praying as i was singing... for her. Jesus!

fast-forward to today. i made a coffee date with the girl we prayed over last night. intentionality is so vital, and i know that i am supposed to keep up with her. so we met and talked and shared and basically got to know one another... and get this - because she wanted someone "who has lived more life" to come alongside her. and Jesus wants me to be a part of her story? so incredibly humbling and amazing who He chooses to use, and in His timing, too. anyway, on to the point of this post - while we were talking, i ran smack dab into this new realization:

when i was learning to run (literally, feet pounding the pavement running), the first 30 runs or so is more about experiencing all the different aches, pains, cramps, stitches, foot placement, pacing, etc etc etc. and then one day, you experience something AGAIN, and instead of it being new and foreign and something to categorize and understand, it becomes something familiar, something known... something that i can say, "oh, i know what that is. keep going." 

who can guess that there is a parallel coming?

any of you who have read this blog over the years knows that i have struggled for such a long time with the idea of stagnation. of never learning ENOUGH to move on. of finding myself in the same place, again and again and again. ad nauseum.

but what He showed me this afternoon was this - coming to a place i recognize is not failure. it's not here we go again. it can be an opportunity to revisit something, if Jesus says so. but isn't that the point? i know this place. i recognize it. i can ask Jesus if there's something He wants me to revisit here, and if He says no, then KEEP GOING. 

so simple. so beautiful. so much freedom. so like Jesus.

reframe (or, vengeance part 2)

i wrote in a previous post (which has since been taken down, for the sake of privacy) that i needed a reframe - a different way of looking at what happened to me at my last place of employment. i think i've thought myself into one.


as christians, we are commanded to pray for those who declare themselves our enemies. and i have, both publicly and privately, prayed for my staff. prayed for whatever deep brokenness which exists within them that would allow such violent thought and aggressive action. that was, at first, i freely admit, prayed more from a place of desperation, obedience, and a counselor's heart. and those prayers became my defense against the anxiety which has been so much a part of this season of my life. but as i become more entrenched in this new life back home, i'm less distressed by the past and more consumed with the present. that's another way of saying that time does indeed heal most wounds.


i'm not finished grieving this yet, but i've begun grieving differently. i find myself grieving less for myself and the injustice of what was allowed to happen to me and more for those who perpetrated the events. one staff member was the ringleader for all that transpired, and it is she who consumes my thoughts these days. 


ok, so consumes is a bit strong. rather, when i am struck with a random thought at an increasingly random time, that thought is more about her than me. i guess that's part of grieving and forgiving. anyway, these current thoughts circle around the idea of trajectory. i once heard the concept of hell taught as unredeemed mankind being allowed to stay on their current trajectory away from God, with eternal consequence. i tend to agree with this more than some actual burning lake of fire where tortured souls dwell forever in the absence of God - He is, after all, the God of choice, is He not? if we choose to live absent from Him, then is He not obligated by His holiness and righteousness to allow us to stay that course?


but i'm starting to chase a different rabbit than the one i'm really after tonight, so let me bring my thoughts back to her. she remains nameless, of course, for the sake of her privacy, so for the sake of not using pronouns ad nauseam, i'll call her lucy. i worry about lucy. i worry about what consequence she is going to suffer for achieving her goal of getting rid of me. i used to rave in anger at the thought of lucy getting away with her schemes against me, but then something curious happened: i began to realize that God is not just my God, my Righteous Judge, but lucy's, too... and not in a "lucy has to look Jesus in the face one day and explain herself to Him" kind of way, though i surely started out thinking that way. no, that thought process has evolved into concern for lucy's trajectory, because the result of her triumph over me is that she is solidly held fast in the fear that is at the root of all her actions. through lucy's success, her actions were validated, thus cementing the deep-seated fear which caused them in the first place. instead of anger, i feel pity, and my prayers become more sincere. trapped living in fear is a horrible horrible horrible way to live this life. we all live in fear, to a certain extent, but as christians, we live in such a way that leads us into the fear in order to be released from it - Jesus says that it is for freedom that we have been set free, and not to burden ourselves again with it as we walk with Him, but rather, to walk into the fear with Him, allow Him to address it, speak to it, and heal it - and we walk away from it, leaving it in His capable hands. yes, we can tend to cycle back to it, but the holy urge is to LEAVE IT, to walk away from it, to set a course in a direction which allows for peace, love, holiness, and wholeness. to live any other way is folly.


now, 2 caveats are necessary here. 1 is that i am in no way judging lucy's walk with the Lord. she either has one or she doesn't. i make no claim to know. the other caveat is that my thoughts on wholeness and healing are more far-reaching and multi-dimensional, allowing that most of us bob and weave our way through sanctification over a lifetime.


lucy's fear, thus her actions, thus her thought processes, thus her life and her realm of influence, have been VALIDATED, and in a very public arena, which just lends more fuel to the fire. i had a couple of employees quit once they knew what was about to go down. i, as usual, was the last to know what lucy was up to. i knew she was up to something. i'm not stupid. but i had no idea that lucy is capable of such malice - of taking thoughts of violence, justifying them into thoughts of self-righteousness, and turning them into actions with far-reaching ramifications for so many more people than just her or me. people quit their jobs in this economy over her actions. i lost mine. the other employees watched lucy get away with blatant insubordination and sabotage, and what do we think they learned from that, except to FEAR lucy? vendors, patrons, colleagues - so many people know what lucy got away with, and how can that knowledge not feed cynicism and faulty thinking? what about her kids? what are they learning from a woman so trapped, so needful of securing her tiny little world that she is willing to go to such lengths to secure her place in it - what are her kids learning from her about life and how to live it?


i've wondered many, many times why the events transpired the way they did in order for me to know lucy. at the end of the day, not much has changed in my world. i still have the job i had before i moved to that one, i'm still on track to join the management team there, i'm still running, still living, still seeking after the things of God. i've made a few new friends, started writing again, and am on a hiatus from church. these few changes are not bad, and in fact, are actually very good. SO. would God send me on such a crazy mission just to meet someone He's pursuing? perhaps. i mean, yes, we have many examples throughout scripture of holy missions with absolutely insane plots and characters. His ways are definitely not our ways, even for those of us who profess to seek His ways. i think back to that night in colorado, the purity of worship, love, and adoration, the absolute certainty of knowledge that He had finally set me on His course for my life, and i can only answer with a bemused and faltering yes.


yes, He sent me there. yes, i was purposed to meet lucy. He is not random. not even close. yes, He allowed lucy to succeed, knowing that her brokenness would be reinforced, validated. and i can only declare Him wise and good beyond all reckoning, because i know that His desire is to heal lucy. i know that He knows i'd eventually see what really happened and pray for her. and i know that He knew that i'd be sitting here tonight, shaking my head in bewilderment and bemusement at His audacity. ha. i once wrote that my favorite attributes of God are that He is dangerous, wild, unfettered, and free. o, the irony.


i sang a matt redman song that weekend, driving through the mountains in colorado, and i've only just now remembered this as i think of how to wrap up these crazy thoughts. it's a song i've known for a long time, but refused to sing aloud, due to the sheer terror of Him actually holding me to the words, once sung aloud:


hear Your people saying yes,
hear Your people saying yes to You.
yes to anything You ask,
yes to anything we´re called to do.

hear Your people say amen,
hear Your people say amen to You.
let Your kingdom come on earth,
let it be just like we prayed to You.

yes and amen to everything that´s in Your heart,
yes and amen to everything that You have planned.
we live to see Your will be done, 
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.


all the promises are yes,
all the promises are yes in You.
every good and perfect gift,
every blessing that we have was You.


yes and amen to everything that´s in Your heart,
yes and amen to everything that You have planned.
we live to see Your will be done, 
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.

yes and amen, we´re taking up our cross for You,
give us the strength to take these dreams and follow through.
we live to see Your will be done, 
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.


hear Your people saying yes,
hear Your people saying yes to You.
yes to anything You ask,
yes to anything we´re called to do.


hear Your people say amen,
hear Your people say amen to You.
let Your kingdom come on earth,
let it be just like we prayed to You.


yes and amen to everything that´s in Your heart,
yes and amen to everything that You have planned.
we live to see Your will be done, 
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.


yes and amen, we´re taking up our cross for You,
give us the strength to take these dreams and follow through.
we live to see Your will be done, 
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.


yes and amen.

breathing

i have a confession to make.

i suffer from an anxiety disorder (as if that was not screamingly obvious from my last post), as do all the women in my family. it's been interesting to watch the disorder change over time in each of us, as our circumstances change and life rolls on. my mom "accepts" her lot as her fault and suffers accordingly, my sister overmedicates, my niece self-medicates and self-destructs, and i... well i've been better, and i've been worse. which begs the question - where is this lasting, inside out change that christianity promises?

yes, yes. the pious call it sanctification over time. the atheists call it brainwashing. medical professionals and mental health professionals, in rare agreement, call it maturity over time culminating in wisdom - sagacity. i'm not sure what i call it, other than painful and disruptive, at present.

i do find that it's changed over the past year. it's become more pervasive - more intrusive. it interrupts my sleep - when i can actually sleep. it crowds out thoughts and comes unbidden into just about any situation. and it feels different too. it used to be a general unease and an inability to turn off my brain at night. it's now much more debilitating and affects me physically... which is why running is such a joy and a triumph for me - running is 90% mental and i rejoice in developing that discipline.

but the bitch of suffering from such a hidden dysfunction (chemical imbalance is rather difficult to detect in your average bear, at least at first glance) is that i am just about universally perceived as confident, capable, intelligent, trustworthy. a person of integrity and character. and in that perception, even if it echoes with truth, people fail to realize just how alone, afraid, and increasingly fragile that persona has become. that is quite a solitary place to exist.

the anxiety manifests differently these days, as well. i first became aware of the disorder during my separation and subsequent divorce over 10 years ago. i've managed it with medication, education, and faith. so why are the thoughts more pervasive, more disruptive, more frequent, more potentially damaging? i'm still medicated. i'm still educated - can't really go backwards on that one, right? so that leaves faith.

i have another confession to make.

my faith in God-the-Father, Jesus-the-Savior, and the Holy Spirit-counsellor has dwindled into something unrecognizable as faith. i've can't even muster up anger about His perceived indifference to my plight. i'm tired of fighting, tired of trying to understand Him, tired of trying to fix whatever it is that i fucked up so badly that grace can't or won't cover it. i'm tired of semi-jokingly referring to myself as jacob, wrestling with the angel in an exercise in futility. i'm just tired.

i have another confession to make.

after 10+ years of regular attendance in church, bible studies, and community groups, i have not stepped foot inside the door of a church in almost 9 months. NINE. wow - i just had to count that out on my fingers to make sure i had that right. that's crazy. i used to spend between 4 and 6 hours every sunday afternoon/night FOR OVER TEN YEARS investing in people and a vision that i truly, deeply believed in. those same people didn't even realize i was gone when i moved, and they surely haven't sounded the trumpets upon my return to BR. don't hear me casting stones here - i've made almost zero effort into reintegrating into that community.

does the lack of one lend to the progression of the other? likely. i had a brief conversation via text tonight with one of the very few people with whom i've stayed in contact with since october. she was wondering if and when i'll be returning to our church, and my most honest answer was not anytime soon. i read resignation and obligation in her words, but i know a bit about her heart, and it's more than that for her. she fiercely believes all that our church lacks will come with the fullness of time. i wish i shared her conviction. i really do.

i have a confession to make.

i want to be known, loved, and valued... i suspect we all do. and i want to offer the same, unconditionally. but i don't know how anymore, if i ever knew in the first place. i want to sleep. i want to succeed in life. i want to be able to support myself. i want my life to be significant. i want to offer light and hope, authenticity and transparency. i want religion stripped away and simple faith to prevail. i want to NOT wake up 15 times a night, on the verge of panic about some small but important thing that needs attending. i want to stop hearing taunts of failure and mediocrity.

there was a time in the life of this blog where i stated vociferously that i wanted to live fully alive in Christ. i don't even know what that means anymore. i'm reading a book about the life of paul, and in the narrative, there is a moment when young saul travels to jerusalem for his sister's wedding. he finds himself on the first night in that holy place unable to sleep, troubled deeply in his soul. he decided, during a crisis of faith, to love God whether He loved him back or not. i am not so devoted. but i believe he wanted the same thing that haunts me tonight - i want to be able to sing these words:

standing on this mountaintop 

looking just how far we've come 

knowing that for every step 

You were with us 

kneeling on this battle ground 

seeing just how much You've done 

knowing every victory 

is Your power in us 

scars and struggles on the way 

but with joy our hearts can say 

yes, our hearts can say 

never once did we ever walk alone 

never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

never once did we ever walk alone 

never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful


scars and struggles on the way 

but with joy our hearts can say 

never once did we ever walk alone 

carried by Your constant grace 

held within Your perfect peace 

never once, no, we never walk alone 

never once did we ever walk alone 

never once did You leave us on our own 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

every step we are breathing in Your grace
evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise

You are faithful, God, You are faithful 

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

-- never once, matt redman