brush strokes

coming to the realization that i need to get a grip is not the same thing as actually getting a grip.

as i continue to come up for air and climb out of this place, i'm beginning to realize that life is a constant battle and looking for the end of the current skirmish is useless. paul warns us repeatedly that our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against the unseen forces of evil around us. Lief Enger writes that, "We and the world, my children, will always be at war. Retreat is impossible. Arm yourselves." C.S. Lewis writes in Mere Christianity, "One of the things that surprised me when I first read the New Testament seriously was that it talked so much about a Dark Power in the universe - a mighty evil spirit who was held to be the Power behind death and disease, and sin. The difference is that Christianity thinks this Dark Power was created by God, and was good when he created it, and went wrong. Christianity agrees... this universe is at war."

the Lord spoke to me through josh sunday night. surrender is the word of the day, and consistent with the way my team prayed for me in mexico. in surrendering to Him, He will equip me to step back into the battle, where i belong. there is something that He wants me to let go of, but damned if i know what it is. i'm not intentionally holding anything from Him. in fact, i'm trying very hard to wear this new suit of humility, but it doesn't fit quite right.

thinking through that, i've realized that it does not fit because i'm trying to imitate the way i see it displayed in the lives of those i love. imitating Christ's humility is a beautifully multi-faceted process, and i'm learning that it's ok for my life, my faith and my humility to be uniquely from Him - that is, in fact, where it's supposed to come from. i've found that my faith does not look like anyone else's - and it's not supposed to. i've tried to imitate the humility that i see in the lives of my friends and it just does not work. it doesn't work because it isn't me.

funny how some of the people who read my blog avoided meeting my eyes sunday night. funny how honesty makes some of you uncomfortable. that's ok with me.

i find that my spirit is screaming louder than my flesh, for a change. galatians 5:1 says that it is for freedom that Christ set us free. if that's true, and we all know that it is, it stands to reason that i'm balking because i feel oppressed by the enemy and repressed by judgment and religion within the church. here me loud and clear - i do not look like you. i don't want to look like you. i admire and love you, but i am not you.

my heart is ferocious, passionate and bold. i cannot pretend to be otherwise. i refuse to be yoked with the burden of mediocrity. i refuse to be placed in a mold that makes everyone around me breathe a little easier. if my life challenges you, praise God. if my life convicts you, praise God. each of your lives challenges and convicts me, and i praise His name everyday for that.

humility in my life is not going to look like anyone else that i know. we are all wired differently, and i'm ok with that. we are all beautifully and wonderfully made - in His image - we are all brush strokes on a canvas that form a complete portrait of His face... and what a beautiful portrait it is.

Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O LORD my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.

-Psalm 86:11-12