found

it's been a month to the day since my last post. to put it mildly - it's been a rough time.

there may be a time when i feel the need to expound on the battle i've been fighting, but not today. briefly, i've been battling with the Lord - a battle i know i'm going to lose - but a battle i have to fight, none-the-less. i've been rendered completely ineffective for His Kingdom, and have been, quite honestly, very selfish and inward focused.

this post is about grace. His grace. it's also about intimacy - physical and spiritual. so, be warned. this is going to be very personal, very intimate and quite possibly "r" rated. it's your decision to continue reading.

i mentioned that i have been battling the Lord for quite a while now. i've been very angry with Him. i've been pouting. i've been very defiant and completely devoid of grace. all this a culmination of circumstances beginning in january with the death of my cousin, and ending with being laid off, unable to take the break i need (as i define need) and living with my mother at 33 years of age. yes - it's an honest statement to say that i am pissed off at the Lord. it's ok, kids - He can handle my anger - i've been much angrier than this with Him, i assure you.

in the midst of this anger, He remains steady and unpredictable. typical.

i met with Him the other night, very unexpectdly and very intimately. here's the part where if you have any religious or legalistic tendencies in your faith, you may want to stop reading.

i want to introduce you to my Jesus - the all-encompassing, all-consuming, ever-present, ever-loving Jesus. He showed up rather unexpectedly the other night. although He was invited, i've stopped expecting Him to show up - faithless, i know, but an accurate statement. He showed up in a way that i did not expect Him to. nor did i expect Him to do what He did.

in the interest of privacy, i'll limit the description to the work He did in my heart. in a time where i've defined what i need from Him, He shows up and ministers in a completely unexpected way - a way that i have not recently asked Him, nor expected Him, to show up. i need Him to show up in many ways, but not in this way, in this time. He showed up to heal some very, very old wounds. intimate wounds that i left on the back burner, expecting Him to heal them at a much later, more "appropriate" time in my life for these specific wounds. i'm talking about deeply intimate wounds - wounds that began when i was 12 and have been twisted and scarred and re-opened and never healed. yes, we're talking about s-e-x.

gasp. "wait!" you cry. "s-e-x outside of marriage is a sin. Jesus would not show up in the midst of sin. you must be completely inundated with lies from the enemy. ann, you have lost your mind. we're calling an intervention."

but no. i have not lost my mind - i have found Jesus again. He came to me in the midst of an opportunity to sin, and used the intimacy of that situation to minister very tenderly to His battle-weary, scarred and wounded child. He has begun to heal my heart (and according to what He showed katie, He's begun to heal my body, too - but that 's a different story for a different time).

interestingly, He's chosen a man to carry out His healing work in my heart - a man who is leaving this place within a year. He's healing wounds, and asking me to trust Him to chose the method, knowing the hurt will run deeply when he leaves. He's asking me to trust Him with that hurt, too, when it comes.

i choose to allow Him to heal me. i choose to trust Him. i choose to experience the hurt later on, in order to experience His healing now. i choose not to question my Lord, but rather to lay my heart bare before Him, knowing that He knows far better than i what i need.