heartcry

i recently just put into a formal thought the fact that there are many different types of prayers. i realize that there are categories of prayer like confession, supplication, worship, asking, etc., but as an intercessor, my tendency is to pray for others and rarely myself. that's not exactly conducive to a relationship with the Lord... if i am praying for others all the time, then how can i be listening to and responding to Him? hmmm...

i realize that this seems contradictory to the inward-focused heart work that the past several months worth of posts have centered around. i guess the difference in my mind is that heart work is just that - work. intercessory prayer for someone is different. prayer for myself is different still. this post is about the latter.

if you've read captivating, then you are familiar with the authors' stories about how intimate the Lord can be - just because He loves us and desires to show that love in crazy ways. for john, it was a huge whale breaching in front of his eyes. for staci, it was a cove full of starfish just for her.

it took me awhile to really get focused in on the fact that i was actually going to the retreat. i was distracted by a million different things in the weeks leading up to the retreat, especially the week that i left. i did not have much time to prepare my heart, to focus in on what i wanted to accomplish, much less what He wanted to accomplish. so i started reading captivating again, trying to get focused... and that's where this story picks up...

i began reading on the flight to houston. i didn't get very far, just far into it enough to reaquaint myself with the overall message of the book. i remember closing it in preparation for landing in houston, eyes shut, just focusing on my heart and trying not to think - to let my heart speak instead. i felt a silent cry go out to Him - not really a cognitive thought - for something from Him to speak to my heart - something undeniably from Him straight to my heart. silly as it sounds, if i had to put that heartcry into words... i wanted snow. but not just snow - it's not that uncommon in the higher elevations of the rockies in september - i wanted snow that was undeniably from Him to me.

i don't really remember the layover in houston, and i cat-napped on the flight to denver. did i mention that i had been up since 9:30 wednesday morning, and by the time i got to denver, it was 26 hours later? can we say punchy? but that's a different story. suffice it to say that i did not think about much - particularly about that heartcry - for the rest of thursday. that day was spent traveling, meeting a hundred women in the denver airport, traveling some more, getting registered and settled in, etc... all stories for a different time.

the session thursday night set the tone for the rest of the weekend, and by friday noon, i was totally overwhelmed by the hurt, loneliness, and despondency around me. i mean, i was floored. i found myself praying overtime - in total intercession mode - for these broken and bleeding hearts around me - so much so that i actually had to put in a prayer request to the on-site intercessors to pray for me - that i could focus on myself and my heart instead of those around me. that sounds selfish, but what good am i for anyone else if i don't address my own issues - if i don't let the Lord in and draw near to Him? i ended up see-sawing a lot - going back and forth in heart work for myself, and being unable to not pray for the women and the team there. i guess, in retrospect, that they go hand in hand. the closer i drew to the Lord, the more open my heart became to Him, and of course, the more open and aware i became of His heart for the women there. it was a beautiful dance.

friday night helen, a new friend, told me that she had spent the day crying, and i told her that i was unable to really delve deeply to where my tears dwell - i'm not much of a crier - and she promptly told me that saturday was my day. i'm laughing now at how right she was...

to put it mildly, the morning session on saturday was intense. seriously intense. it centered around His desire to be the Lover of our souls, the One in whom we trust and love and look to before anyone else in our lives. i was engaged, but being the intense person that i already am, i was not overly emotional. in reality, i was so amazed by the truth of His love, the beauty of the message that He has given ransomed heart, and the absolute need for that truth to become so pervasive in my life that it becomes just part of who i am, of who we are. i don't know if it was planned, or if staci just sensed the intensity of that moment, but she decided to take a break. she ended the session by saying that there will never be a man in our lives like the Man... and then...

the back doors of the conference center flew open, and it was snowing so hard, it was coming in sideways! i absolutely lost it. i burst into tears - no, that's not right. i completely broke down, sobbing uncontrollably because i knew - i knew - that this was from Him. He had given me a vision the night before of me dancing in the snow with Him. i was floating in the hot tub, ears underwater to isolate myself from the chatter around me, and gazing up at the silhouette of the mountains and the stars and i saw just a flash, no more than an instant - just enough to make an imprint on my heart, barely my mind - of dancing in the snow with Him. as the doors flew open and the snow flew in, the women collectively gasped in wonder and awe and everyone ran outside to play in the snow. i'm not sure how i made it outside, i just remember dropping to my knees in the snow, heart bursting with joy.

helen came up to me and said, "let's make snow angels!" so we did, in joyous abandon. then we got up and danced a jig... and He spoke to me again, "you are dancing with Me." i was laughing and crying, wrapped in His love, completely abandoned to the joy of the moment - of Him. someone said later that no one could have punctuated staci's statement that way except Jesus. and how!

we went back into session, only to come out again an hour or so later to find the snow almost completely gone - like it had never happened... and then it snowed the rest of the day, and the rest of the night. someone out there has pictures of us in the hot tub, hair covered in snow and ice. the wind was blasting, snow was landing in our eyes - it was glorious.

staggered

they played this song at the retreat. you may know it, but i have never heard it before. it blew me away. i felt His gaze on me, steady and strong. the truth of His unassuming grace struck me - the vulnerability and strength He displays in not forcing Himself on us - we are free to choose Him - He risks His heart, waiting just there for us - all of us - to risk Him.

i am staggered by Your beauty - Your unassuming grace... wow.



i have been blind, unwilling to see
the true love You're giving
i have ignored every blessing
i'm on my knees confessing
that i feel myself surrender
each time i see Your face
i am staggered by your beauty
Your unassuming grace
and i feel my heart is turning
falling into place
i can't hide
now hear my confession
i have been wrong about You
thought i was strong without You
for so long nothing could move me
for so long nothing could change me
now i feel myself surrender
each time i see Your face
i am captured by Your beauty
Your unassuming grace
and i feel my heart is turning
falling into place
i can't hide
now hear my confession
[Bridge:]
You are the air that i breathe
You're the ground beneath my feet
when did i stop believing?
cause i feel myself surrender
each time i see Your face
i am staggered by Your beauty
Your unassuming grace
and i feel my heart
falling into place
i can't hide
now hear my confession
i can't hide
now hear my confession
hear my confession
--- my confession josh groban

breathe

one of the most amazing things about our God is His wisdom - His knowledge that we would need places to go that allow us to breathe - places that are big enough for our spirits to expand and to stretch. there is something about being dwarfed by the land around you that is somehow reassuring to your soul... that the God who created those majestic peaks is so much bigger than even they... some people say that the vastness of the wilderness makes them feel insignificant. i didn't feel that way at all - i felt free.

everything about me is big but me. there's a whole lot of personality, a whole lot of brokenness, a whole lot of dreams and love and desire in there, and i rarely find a place where it is safe, welcomed even, to allow all of me to come out. i've somehow bought into the lie that i am too much. too bold, too passionate, too serious, too self-focused, too intense, too wounded, too scarred, too broken, too whatever - and i renounced that lie in the presence of God. i am not too much - you are not too much - we are the image-bearers of God.

invitation

one of the most amazing things about the ransomed heart team is their willingness and desire to invite me - each one of us, really - into the vision and the message that the Lord has given to and entrusted them with. i have never felt so intimately welcome, cherished, valued and encouraged just because i am His daughter. i don't need any special skills, any particular life experience, anything to define me and to give me worth and value in their eyes except for my love for Jesus, and His for me. what an amazing balm to my heart!

Jesus invites us into the hard places, the hurting places, but He also invites us to dance with Him, to come aside, to be silent before Him, to sing and to cry and to just be still with Him. He invited me away for a walk with Him, showing me the beauty of His creation. He invited me to pray with women from all over the world - and He burdened many women to pray specifically for me - specifically hands on, praying down the Kingdom of Heaven prayer that speaks so directly to my heart... and He created an inescapable need in me to pray even more boldly and incessantly for the team and the women there... that, in and of itself, is a miracle. it's a heart shift away from myself and toward the needs of others. i'm not talking about being willing to serve in a shelter or muck out a flooded house after katrina, and i don't mean searching for a career in Jesus. i've seen many people with hearts to serve others that don't truly live daily for Him - myself included. i realize that you can't truly love Jesus and not have that permanent shift happen eventually, but it's really quite an experience to recognize it as it's happening...

i know Jesus more intimately now than ever before. i've heard about camp highs - how i pray that this is so much more than that! i pray that it is a permanent shift toward Him. i pray that i continue to realize that the invitation stands - all the time - that He waits, just here, for me to turn to Him, to experience all that life has to offer with Him. naive? simple? perhaps...

and perhaps that's ok. perhaps it's ok to live simply trusting Him. perhaps that's the beauty of the invitation... perhaps, just perhaps, it's ok to live my life seeking Him in everything, everywhere, in everyone. i never considered myself a minimalist, just a pretty low-maintenance kind of girl. i don't ask for much... then again, maybe that's what He's been trying to show me.

He told me on that walk that i don't ask for the big things - that i've stopped asking for much - or maybe i've stopped believing that "much" is what i want. i know now that i want a lot - of Him. i intend to accept His invitation to live my life with Him... and that doesn't mean vocationally, or seeking some place to serve, or seeking a "normal" life - i don't even know what that means! i just want to live deeply from my heart, fully alive in Him, all the time. i want that Life to overflow into everything else about me, and into everyone else around me... as josh says, get the vertical right, and the horizontal falls into place...

that invitation is extended to you, as well. there is beauty, there is danger, there is a villian and a Hero to this story we are invited into. will you be content to watch from the safety of mediocrity, or are you willing to step forth, hand stretched out to the One who invites? yes, there will be suffering and sorrow. yes, there will be joy and triumph. yes, there will be hardship and grief. and YES, there will be life in abundance. there will be adventure and romance and love and loss, but we travel together, toward eden.

john eldregde writes in epic, "We have reached the moment where we, too, must find the courage and rise up to recover our hearts and fight for the hearts of others. The hour is late, and much time has been wasted. Aslan is on the move; we must rally to him at the stone table... This is our most desperate hour. You are needed."

abide

one of the things we were invited into during the retreat was to open our hearts to the desires that dwell there, to the wounds driven so deeply there, and to journey farther into the ache - to ask Jesus to meet us in that place.

what an amazing concept - to journey farther into the ache. most of us try to stifle it, to ignore it, or to deny it altogether. but to be invited to actually go there, to embrace it, to own it, and then to abide there with Him... wow. there is so much healing that He wants to accomplish - so much He wants access to that i've not acknowledged, much less given Him permission to enter in and to heal.

i am not discounting the tremendous work He had already begun in my heart. He is doing HUGE things in my heart and my life. He just wants more. image that. i've allowed Him into ugly, hurful places in my heart, and He's not repulsed - He wants more.

shimmer

this is the first of several posts about the captivating retreat. you may get sick of hearing about it, but i have to record what happened while it's still fresh in my mind. i don't want to forget one second of it...

God's presence was so thick you could not escape Him if you wanted to. the beauty of the rockies in the fall was enhanced - magnified - by His presence... it's as though the very air around me shimmered with Him... it reminds me of the scene in genesis, just before He began to create the earth...

Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. - genesis 1:2

covered by a canopy of prayers, God's Spirit hovered over us. it's as though we could reach out and touch His face. He was there in the stillness of the night, the beauty of uninhibited worship, the heartwrenching sobs and shouts of perfect joy - He was everywhere... and He was magnificent.

come away

i had chosen not to write this post, but it has stayed on my heart and comes repeatedly to mind, so i figure i need to see it in writing, or i'm meant to share it with you. you should know by now that i do not fear transparency, but i think i hesitated to write this one because i know how much i am loved by my community - if i had written this when it happened, you guys would have been beating down my door to stage an intervention.

got your attention yet? good. the claim i make on my blogger profile - you know, the one that says i'm too serious most of the time? true enough, but this is more serious than most. ready?

i've been going through a hard time this year. it's been a struggle. but it had not really descended into depression until the summer. i was in pretty bad shape - not able to get out of bed, not caring if i got out of bed, for that matter. headaches all the time, crying every day, blanketed by a hopelessness totally uncharacteristic for me - all this to the point where even my mom and my sister had never seen me that way, and didn't quite know what to do with me.

i was thoroughly sick of myself, my situation, my life, my struggles - all of it. i found myself in the Word one night, trying to backtrack to the point in my life where things had really gone wrong. i was thinking back to early march when i was looking for a house to buy for me and mom. had i gone wrong there? should i not have called off the house hunt when i found out i was losing my job? should i have trusted the Lord to provide and just stayed on the path i believe He had sent me down? confused, i was praying specifically about the house and told the Lord the i really needed to hear from Him. i flipped open my Bible and landed in 2 kings 20:1 -

In those days, Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz went to him and said, "This is what the LORD says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover."

my reaction? i laughed. hard. i thought to myself, well that's fine. going home to Jesus sounds a whole lot better than staying here... then it struck me - i was actually ok with dying, rather than living one more second inside this body and this life. not suicidal, just ok with the thought of dying. you can say that got my attention...

wondering why He would send me to that passage - i mean, really, how often does the word in your mind actually end up in the passage you turn to? - i read the whole thing to get the context:

In those days, Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz went to him and said, "This is what the LORD says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover."

Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the LORD, "Remember, O LORD, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes." And Hezekiah wept bitterly.

Before Isaiah had left the middle court, the word of the LORD came to him: "Go back and tell Hezekiah, the leader of my people, 'This is what the LORD, the God of your father David says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you. On the third day from now you will go up to the temple of the LORD. I will add fifteen years to your life." 1:1-6

my reaction? i didn't want those 15 years - not one second of them. here is a perfect example of intercession - dude prayed for himself and was allowed to intercede for himself - and i wanted nothing to do with it. let me just say that, as the reality of my state of mind sank in, it scared the crap out of me.

it scared me enough to send me all the way to florida in a very short period of time. the few people i did tell about it, i downplayed it big-time. but the ugly, scary truth was that i had to seek out the Lord, and i had to do it right away. as John Eldredge writes in Waking the Dead, He leads us away, to a quiet place, to restore our soul. (psalm 23) this was not a 'hit your face in the bedroom or prayer closet' crisis - i had to be willing to do anything He asked of me to go to Him. i had to suck up the cost of a plane ticket and put aside all reservations i had about going (hello? unemployed here!). i had to go away, to come aside, to get away from everyone and everything, and go to the Lord. i also had to be willing to listen, and to allow Him to do whatever it was He wanted to accomplish in me. the other posts about the trip go into more detail about the work He did in my life, but that's not what He wants from this post.

i think the point is this - we need... no. we must - stop. we must stop believing that we can do this on our own. we must stop believing the lie that we can't afford the time or the money to go away. it is critical, to our lives and to our relationship with the Lord. we must stop believing the lie that things will fall apart if we go away. i really hate to break it to you, but if the Lord calls you away, the world here is not going to stop functioning in your absence. in fact, we will be better off once you return, restored and renewed in your faith and love for Him, and in the work He has called you to. we need all of you, not a burnt-out shell of you.

He has called me away, one more time. i have learned to listen to Him, to realize that He wants something from me - that He desires time with me. will the bank still want to interview me when i get back? maybe. if it's of Him, then yes. my obedience is not going to screw up my chances for employment here - it will bring me the clarity and healing that i so desperately desire. after all, we are talking about the God of the Universe here. God Almighty, the Maker of heaven and earth. The Creator. The Sovereign Lord. The Lord of Hosts (angel armies). Yeah, He's got me covered.

I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous...
-God (Joshua 1:5-6 - NASB)

allies

going back to the past weekend in ft morgan...

friday was spent visiting katie's parents in foley and snorkeling off the beach at the condo. i haven't snorkeled since my dad was lost... i found it's kinda like riding a bike - once you know, you know. in fact, i think i'm more comfortable in the water than on land - but that's another post for a different day.

everyone else arrived friday night. not everyone knew each other, but they all knew me and katie, and they all go to the ring... plenty of common ground. my heart continued to burst at the level of intricacy that He went to for us. i know for me, every room, every balcony, every hallway - everywhere i went - was filled with people i love. my heart could hardly stand it.

it gets even better. the strain that i've seen so clearly on so many dear faces began to ease. there was laughter, joy, eagerness to experience all the weekend had to offer - freedom to just live in a community of people you love, and who love you in return. some people were sad, some reprieved, some relaxed, some struggling, some hurting - but we all went away together, and the Lord bound us to one another in a way that could not have happened otherwise.

we had at least 4 community groups represented there. so many friendships were strengthened and solidified... and then we came home to a message about going to battle for each other, in individual lives and as a church. it could not have been more appropriate. the more we get into each other's lives, the more we know each other - our strengths AND our weaknesses - the more effectively we can battle on behalf of one another. that can only happen by choice. we have to choose to become vulnerable, in order to become strong.

josh made the point that there's no use in trying to pretend that we don't struggle with sin issues. i could not agree more. in fact, i would add that we contribute to the overall struggle of the Church to be real and authentic in a world that is desperate for authenticity when we try.

who wants to go someplace where everyone has it together? i've said it before, and i'll say it again - i'd be the first one out the door if i thought for one second that i was the only one in the place struggling with something - and defeated on a pretty regular basis. this blog is the perfect example of my point. i don't have all the answers. i have lots and lots of questions. i get angry, sad, hurt, exuberant, confident, cocky, humble - all the while living and learning about Jesus in a community of people who are "guilty" of the same things... and that's the point. He is the point. life is messy. so? do any of us think for one second that Jesus is surprised by our antics? according to His Word, we are the image-bearers of God. we are made new. we were given new hearts, and that heart is good - it has to be - it's from Him.

so here's the question - what are we afraid of? each other? Him? the world? our sin?

and here's the good news - get over it. you are going to make mistakes. people are going to not like you. you are going to struggle with some sin issue all your life - even if you are sinless, the pride of sinlessness will get you. so give it over, already. and while i'm at it - false humility and brokenness aren't going to cut it.

i can hear the "yes, but" already. i am not saying staying in sin is ok. i'm basically expounding on the themes paul explores so thoroughly in the letter to the romans. i am saying that we will remain in defeat as long as we try to hide from each other.

so how did i get from ft morgan to sin? simply this - we are in the midst of a battle. we are at war. how can we fight effectively for one another if we don't stop, admit our faults, ask for help, let people into our lives and become allies of the heart? what a beautiful picture of the Bride if we do... and what a stupid battle to lose if we do not. He gives us untold opportunities to come together as a community. He lavishes His love and grace on us. i don't believe that He does these things by happenstance. we would be wise to take advantage of His wisdom... after all, He is the Man with the plan.

think about it - how honoring would it be to the Lord if we just accepted Him at His Word? we are blessed. we are chosen. we are loved. we are forgiven. we are redeemed. we are accepted. we are adopted. it is enough... He is enough.

after all, it's not about us anyway, now is it? it's about coming fully alive for the Kingdom. it's about letting our hearts beat strongly in Him, and for Him, and yes, from Him. it's about letting go of our fear and letting Him in - letting each other in - becoming allies of the heart, battling side by side for as long as He allows us. this point in the life of our church will never be here again. we get to experience this - no one else. why do you think that is? the Kingdom needs us. He is equipping us to do His work here and now, in this Body, in this time. by all means, let's obey the call to arms. let's obey the call to fellowship. let's obey the call to HIM.

seriously, part 2

so this "next step" journey is playing out as expected.

i spent the morning looking at Christian grad schools, delving more deeply into my desire to serve the Lord and His kids through Christian counseling. i even found a school and contacted them for more information... which is confusing, because my heart beats so strongly for the ring, it's hard to understand why He would call me away. i'm not saying He is, i just have to be open to all possibilities right now. He didn't bring me through the past 8 months of hell just for kicks - He was preparing me for the next season.

i kid you not - 5 minutes after sending that request - guess who called to set up an interview? thankfully, i was on the phone with my sister and they left a voicemail. honestly, i don't want to interview this week - if at all - i have serious doubts as to whether this is a path i want to choose at all... i left that side of banking 10 years ago for a reason. i don't want to find a job so that i can earn a paycheck. i want to serve my Lord. i also want to help my family. Lord, please help me trust in Your provision, so that i can choose wisely.

i feel like i'm playing a divine game of chess. it's my move, and i really want to put the match on hold long enough to go to colorado. there is more heart work to be done in me, and i'm committed to allowing the Lord full access to me - all of me. i want to be able to focus on Him, rather than worry about finding a job... i'm much more concerned with finding my calling.

Teach me your way, O Lord,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

Psalm 86:11

yes indeed

i've been writing this post in my head for days, and i still don't know how to articulate what i want to say.

we got to the condo late thursday night. after getting everything out of the car, i settled in by turning off all the lights and letting the light of the full moon illuminate the rooms. i wandered around the condo, struck by it's beauty - the physical beauty of the condo, the natural beauty of the beach and the waves, but so much more than that - i was positively overwhelmed by His presence.

my heart was overflowing, bursting with joy at His nearness. if Jesus had walked in and sat down on the bed, i would not have blinked an eye, He was so real. we sing songs about His extravagance, the Word talks about how He loves to lavish us with grace and all good things... but i didn't have a clue until that night what we were singing about. not really.

i flipped my bible open, and landed in isaiah 52. 3 words jumped off the page at me:

it is I.

seriously

sometimes i know more than the average bear.

sometimes that knowlegde is freakishly dead-on. as an example, i knew that on the way to mexico, we would have transportation problems - nothing serious, just that it would be a long, arduous journey. an 18-hour drive turned into a 24-hour drive with numerous flat tires and pit stops. i also knew that my mom would hurt her ankle while walking my dog while i was in mexico - and she did. she broke it the day we were driving home. lastly, i knew that i would not have a job when i got back, and i didn't. weird, huh?

well, i've had another round of weirdness. i knew that He would require me to make a hard decision regarding school, and that He would equip me to make that decision. i also knew that i would get a call the day after i resigned from school regarding the application i put in at regions. that opportunity fell in my lap a few weeks ago, and i knew at that time that i would be contacted by them. i'm not clear on how far this is going to go, although my gut feeling is that i'm going to be offered the job. i'm really just praying for open and shut doors that guide me to Him.

what i don't know is what to do with this. i don't ever claim to be completely right in my understanding of what the Lord wants from me. i get as close as i can, and then trust Him to keep me straight.

this seems, at this moment, to be a test. He has restarted my heartbeat for my girls - for being available and desirous of becoming deeply involved in their lives again. that has played out yesterday and all morning long, with emails and im popping everywhere. at the same time, i have a desire to go to a Christian grad school (maybe seminary?) to pursue an education in Christian counseling.

before you laugh your head off, i admit i am not the girl to go to when someone wants sympathy or when someone just needs to mourn. i'm more of the girl you would go to when you are ready to go to battle to let the Lord heal you. i'm told i have an eerie ability to cut straight through to the heart of the matter. please do not read here that i think any of this is me - i readily acknowledge that the Lord has allowed craziness in my life - throughout my life - and has provided a way for healing as well, so that i may be used by Him for His kids.

so how does managing a bank near the lsu campus and Christian counseling come together? maybe they don't. maybe that's the test. maybe it's His provision while i'm in school next semester. maybe He wants me to choose. or maybe He just wants to bless me. who knows?

the only thing that i'm sure of is that He has told me plainly that He wants me praying incessantly... come to think of it, He's been telling me that since january. hmmm... and, He's making sure that things keep coming up that require me to stay at His feet, and that requires me to purposefully bring myself and my life under His full authority and lordship EVERYDAY.

it might just be me, but i'm getting the impression that He is serious...

freedom

the Lord is so amazing, i hardly know where to begin.

tuesday was such an awesome day, from the very moment of wakening to sitting here tonight, tired and thrilled, all at the same time.

i woke up this morning, very early, enveloped in anxiety. i recognized the spirit of fear/anxiety, rebuked it, and it left me - immediately. it was SO awesome. i went back to sleep, only for the scenario to play out again later. what a cool way to start the day!

i made coffee and walked the dog, praying all the while for the decision that needed to be made today. the only one that brought me any peace was the one that made no logical sense at all. i sat down at my computer, only to have 5 emails from you guys regarding the previous post. thank you so much for your prayers and encouragement - and i cannot praise the Lord enough for surrounding me with a community that loves and encourages me so steadfastly. and what an example to my mom of a godly community in action - wow - you guys have no idea how much the Lord used you this day. thank you deeply for praying for us.

the rest of the story goes like this - i made an incredibly illogical, yet obedient and peaceful decision today - i resigned from school and from my job in the lab. how crazy is that??? and even better - as i had to explain this incredibly illogical decision to decidedly logical people, i got to keep pointing to Jesus as my Lord, my reason, my strength, my faith, and my hope. glory to His name!

the next few weeks are chock full of fellowship, healing, restoration and HIM. i cannot wait to see what He's up to. He told me to take a time out, to focus on Him, on His continued healing of my heart, on loving my community, and not focusing on my circumstances - that He is in total control over every aspect of my life - He wants my attention on Him. He has freed me from the worries of circumstance - He's freed me to love Him and to obey Him, and has given me the strength and the courage to do so.

joshua 1:5-6 - I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. Be strong and of good courage. (kjv)

how great is our God???

crossroads

i have a difficult decision to make - a conundrum, if you will. part of the complexity of this problem involves my finances (i accidentally typed mt finances - yeah...).

i try very hard not to make decisions - especially life decisions - based on finances. if i am choosing the course of my life based on money, then it stands to reason that i am pursuing money more than i am pursuing the Lord.

trust me on this one - i am not trying to be super holy, or live on a measure of faith that i do not really have. i am simply trying to make some good decisions about my life, for a change. i want to trust my Lord, i want to follow Him, and i want to glorify Him by finding His perfect will for my life, and pursuing that purpose passionately.

i don't believe that i can accomplish that goal by letting money be the deciding factor. yes, i have bills to pay. yes, i live in this world, too. yes, i know we have to work for the things we have in this life - but the longer i go without, the less value i see in material things. conversely, the longer i go without, the more unattainable even the basic things in life seem to be. i'm not even talking about wealth - i'm talking about basic things that most people have - you know, a home, a spouse, 2.5 kids and a couple of dogs. i don't think that's a lot to ask - that's pretty much the norm in our society. but who wants normal, right? right?

i find myself at 33 years of age living at home with my mom. as grateful as i am for her - and i am tremendously grateful - this is not where i expected to be at this point in my life. i expected by now to have a purpose, a calling - a clue as to what my life is supposed to be about.

most of you know that i was laid off in april. most of you know how much i've struggled mentally and spiritually since then. it's been pretty messy... most of you know that i started back to lsu as a grad student over the summer. most of you know that i have been desperately seeking funding for the fall.

well, i've found it. before you start jumping up and down, praising the Lord, let me just say that this is where the conundrum comes into play. grad school, i've discovered, is basically a bunch of hoops to jump through - there seems to be more focus on following the rules than actually gaining an education. nothing comes without a price, as the saying goes. by accepting the funding, i basically put my life in someone else's hands for the next 2 years or so. let me just say that idea does not sit well with me...

so, choice number one is to accept the assistantship. this comes with a couple of costs. yes, it pays my tuition. it also pays about a third of my former salary. yes, i know - college is a struggle and there are millions of other students struggling right along with me. i'm not saying i'm special, or that i deserve anything better than anyone else. i am saying that there are other considerations - like the fact that my family is in debt up to our eyeballs, and me stepping out of the financial picture for 2 years affects my family, not just me. then there is the whole becoming beholden to someone else for any length of time. that does not sit well with me, on any level. again, i realize that there are thousands of grad students that have to suck it up and give a committee of people a major say in their lives for a few years - i just don't like it - at all. i don't like being forced to work on something that i have no interest in. i don't like being bound to someone else's bidding and agenda - for any amount of time. another aspect, and the most troublesome to me, is the fact that the school has really jumped through hoops for me. they are granting me provisional acceptance into a department, without requiring me to meet the admission requirements for that department. they have offered me provisional assistance, again without having jumped through all the normal entrance hoops - gre scores, letters of recommendation, etc. but here's the thing - i've been running all over campus, meeting with all sorts of people, and the end result feels very much like manipulation, not blessing. it feels like i've manipulated the situation, and will be manipulated in return. from the outside looking in, it seems like a wide-open door, but from my perspective, i don't see the Lord in this scenario - i see me.

then there is choice number two - allowing my mom to take some of our last-ditch-effort-to-save-our-finances money, otherwise known as a second mortgage, and pay my tuition with that. that alleviates the assistantship problems, but contributes to my mom's debt. not an easy choice for me to make. she's not paid one red cent for my education up to this point, and she is in less of a position to pay for it now than she was when i began my college career.

choice number three is a non-choice, but one you have probably asked yourself why i haven't brought up by now. i have a substantial student loan debt amassed from my undergrad work. i am reluctant to double my debt in 2 years to an even more ridiculous sum. most graduate work is funded, either by the school, or by an employer. everytime i've tried to suck it up and go the loan route, i get a resounding NO from the Lord. hence the non-choice.

choice number four is to work during the day and take classes at night. this seems the ideal option, but no doors have opened up in the world of employment for me, except for the student worker position at the lab that only allows me to work 20 hours a week - which does not come close to paying the bills. the other problem with that is the fact that they want me to take over a project that requires me to be there at 7 in the morning, every day... when you stop laughing at the idea of me actually being up and somewhere at that time in the morning... the biggest problem with this is that my classes are at night, and i can't afford the gas to leave campus between work and school, so i would be on campus 13 hours a day. that's a lot - for anybody.

choice number five is to drop school altogether and wait. this may be the hardest of all, because it effectively makes me a bum in the eyes of the world. as hard as this one is, it's also the one that gives me the greatest peace, which makes no sense at all. is it fear of the unknown and a reluctance to step out of my comfort zone, or it is His peace? why is it that we always feel as though we have to be doing something? a friend of mine told me last night that sometimes, the Lord just wants us to wait on Him... not to do anything - just trust Him, and wait for the next marching order.

so there are my options, as i see them. none of them are very appealing, and truth be told, it's very difficult to make such a decision when my heart and mind are not aligned and engaged.

if you've made it this far into this post, thanks for sticking with me, although i didn't expect you to. this is really a way for me to think through my options, to really take a long hard look at them, and try to see them clearly. the Lord has been very faithful to teach me not to look at my circumstances right now, especially right now. He wants me looking at Him. He wants me involved in the lives of those i love so much, who are struggling and hurting so much. He wants to continue to heal my heart. in other words, He wants me to look at my situation through His eyes. He wants me to believe Him, not my circumstances.

Lord, give me eyes to see and ears to hear, and open my heart, that i may turn, and follow You.

soapbox - 1

i hate labels.

you know - alcoholic, addict, single, racial identifiers, denominational identifiers, sinner, lost - that kind of thing.

i finally found Scriptural references to back me up on this. the gist is this - you've sinned, but you are not that sin - you don't become that sin (i'm quoting beth moore again). whether it's transgression (deliberate sin) or sin (in the general sense), we do not become the sin we've committed, nor do we have to remain enslaved to it... it is for freedom that Christ set us free (galatians 5:1)... psalm 19:13 and 32:1-6 are the OT reference points. in the NT, as Christians, we are REDEEMED. we are NOT defined by that sin - that totally takes away from the sufficiency of the work of the cross. according to ephesians 1:3-8 (kjv) we are loved, blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, and forgiven. this is further backed up by philippians 2:15 and romans 4:1-17.

that's who the Word of God says i am. if you want to label me, go ahead, but please do your best to stay within the confines of who God says i am. i am a Christian - i will not accept any other label.

disclaimer - i wrote this sunday afternoon - before kayla spoke and before josh's sermon - how cool is that? it was saved as a draft... although i have to give josh props for the idea that the church needs a whole lot of cool tatoos to remind us of who we are in Christ...

saved, v2

i watched saved tonight - the movie, not the tv show. josh mentioned it a few weeks ago, and it's stuck in my mind, so i decided to see what my reaction to it would be. i should clarify that josh mentioned it in relation to how loving God and loving the Body should look like contrasted against what it so often ends up looking like without our even realizing it.

honestly, parts of it were funny, parts of it turned my stomach, and parts of it were too irreverent for my taste. regardless of my opinion, the thought that has me up at 4 in the morning is not necessarily the whole bashing Christ's reputation, or even the blatant exposure of the hypocrisy that our lives can look like. what worries me is the cynicism that can be brought about by the shame of having been "that girl"... and i'm not talking about the pregnant one, or even the one who totally renounces God. i'm talking about the pharisee... i'm also concerned with the cynicism that can be brought about in our lives by the ones who were authentic - whose hearts and motives were pure in loving, worshiping and living for Jesus - and were still seen as fake and brainwashed.

i realize that to the world, hands up praising God worship can be an odd thing. believing prayer can seem like insanity to those with no faith. but here's the thing - we aren't supposed to look like the world, nor are we necessarily supposed to go out of our way to make someone comfortable when we are in the presence of God. i don't know about you, but there's not a whole lot of comfort being fully in His presence. peace, joy, conviction, love, confusion, fear... there's lots of things i feel in the presence of God, but comfort is rarely one of them. i daresay that if i am ever comfortable in His presence, then that's a pretty good indicator that i need to do a heart check, and quickly.

the Word says that we are to guard our hearts, our minds - even our eyes and ears - to be careful about what we allow in. i'm not saying that we should live in a bubble - what good does that do? - but we are not supposed to live in and of the world, either. we are set apart by God, a holy nation, co-heirs to the throne of Christ. when are we going to live like we truly believe that? is there ever going to be a point when there is not something inside of us that struggles to deny Christ at times?

i think the most disturbing thing about the movie, and the thing i am most grateful for in the Body of Christ that makes up the ring, is that through Christ, grace is the over-riding theme of our lives. there was a decided lack of grace displayed by most of the characters in the movie, and there is a decided abundance of grace at the ring. i've learned more about grace in action through the Body at work - in shelters after katrina, in community groups when tensions run high, in lack of communication and consistent forgiveness and understanding. there is no expectation of perfection, from the leadership down. yes, the bar is set high, but Christ sets that bar, not us. and it's Christ that enables and empowers us to display grace - to give it and receive it - when there is no logical explanation for it. isn't that what grace is all about? it's all about undeserved mercy, and makes no logical sense at all... and that's our clue that we may actually have it right...

Lord, please protect us from the cynicism that can sneak in and harden our hearts. continue to pour Your love and grace in and through our lives. continue to run rampant in our hearts, convince us to surrender to You once and for all. Jesus, we have so much to learn, so much to rectify with the world, so much of You that we want to accurately show the world around us. Father, help us to do that. help us to love, to be humble and patient, to overflow with love and honor and power and grace - all for You, to bring glory to Your name. help us, Lord, to do that consistently. in Jesus' name, AMEN.