crossroads

i have a difficult decision to make - a conundrum, if you will. part of the complexity of this problem involves my finances (i accidentally typed mt finances - yeah...).

i try very hard not to make decisions - especially life decisions - based on finances. if i am choosing the course of my life based on money, then it stands to reason that i am pursuing money more than i am pursuing the Lord.

trust me on this one - i am not trying to be super holy, or live on a measure of faith that i do not really have. i am simply trying to make some good decisions about my life, for a change. i want to trust my Lord, i want to follow Him, and i want to glorify Him by finding His perfect will for my life, and pursuing that purpose passionately.

i don't believe that i can accomplish that goal by letting money be the deciding factor. yes, i have bills to pay. yes, i live in this world, too. yes, i know we have to work for the things we have in this life - but the longer i go without, the less value i see in material things. conversely, the longer i go without, the more unattainable even the basic things in life seem to be. i'm not even talking about wealth - i'm talking about basic things that most people have - you know, a home, a spouse, 2.5 kids and a couple of dogs. i don't think that's a lot to ask - that's pretty much the norm in our society. but who wants normal, right? right?

i find myself at 33 years of age living at home with my mom. as grateful as i am for her - and i am tremendously grateful - this is not where i expected to be at this point in my life. i expected by now to have a purpose, a calling - a clue as to what my life is supposed to be about.

most of you know that i was laid off in april. most of you know how much i've struggled mentally and spiritually since then. it's been pretty messy... most of you know that i started back to lsu as a grad student over the summer. most of you know that i have been desperately seeking funding for the fall.

well, i've found it. before you start jumping up and down, praising the Lord, let me just say that this is where the conundrum comes into play. grad school, i've discovered, is basically a bunch of hoops to jump through - there seems to be more focus on following the rules than actually gaining an education. nothing comes without a price, as the saying goes. by accepting the funding, i basically put my life in someone else's hands for the next 2 years or so. let me just say that idea does not sit well with me...

so, choice number one is to accept the assistantship. this comes with a couple of costs. yes, it pays my tuition. it also pays about a third of my former salary. yes, i know - college is a struggle and there are millions of other students struggling right along with me. i'm not saying i'm special, or that i deserve anything better than anyone else. i am saying that there are other considerations - like the fact that my family is in debt up to our eyeballs, and me stepping out of the financial picture for 2 years affects my family, not just me. then there is the whole becoming beholden to someone else for any length of time. that does not sit well with me, on any level. again, i realize that there are thousands of grad students that have to suck it up and give a committee of people a major say in their lives for a few years - i just don't like it - at all. i don't like being forced to work on something that i have no interest in. i don't like being bound to someone else's bidding and agenda - for any amount of time. another aspect, and the most troublesome to me, is the fact that the school has really jumped through hoops for me. they are granting me provisional acceptance into a department, without requiring me to meet the admission requirements for that department. they have offered me provisional assistance, again without having jumped through all the normal entrance hoops - gre scores, letters of recommendation, etc. but here's the thing - i've been running all over campus, meeting with all sorts of people, and the end result feels very much like manipulation, not blessing. it feels like i've manipulated the situation, and will be manipulated in return. from the outside looking in, it seems like a wide-open door, but from my perspective, i don't see the Lord in this scenario - i see me.

then there is choice number two - allowing my mom to take some of our last-ditch-effort-to-save-our-finances money, otherwise known as a second mortgage, and pay my tuition with that. that alleviates the assistantship problems, but contributes to my mom's debt. not an easy choice for me to make. she's not paid one red cent for my education up to this point, and she is in less of a position to pay for it now than she was when i began my college career.

choice number three is a non-choice, but one you have probably asked yourself why i haven't brought up by now. i have a substantial student loan debt amassed from my undergrad work. i am reluctant to double my debt in 2 years to an even more ridiculous sum. most graduate work is funded, either by the school, or by an employer. everytime i've tried to suck it up and go the loan route, i get a resounding NO from the Lord. hence the non-choice.

choice number four is to work during the day and take classes at night. this seems the ideal option, but no doors have opened up in the world of employment for me, except for the student worker position at the lab that only allows me to work 20 hours a week - which does not come close to paying the bills. the other problem with that is the fact that they want me to take over a project that requires me to be there at 7 in the morning, every day... when you stop laughing at the idea of me actually being up and somewhere at that time in the morning... the biggest problem with this is that my classes are at night, and i can't afford the gas to leave campus between work and school, so i would be on campus 13 hours a day. that's a lot - for anybody.

choice number five is to drop school altogether and wait. this may be the hardest of all, because it effectively makes me a bum in the eyes of the world. as hard as this one is, it's also the one that gives me the greatest peace, which makes no sense at all. is it fear of the unknown and a reluctance to step out of my comfort zone, or it is His peace? why is it that we always feel as though we have to be doing something? a friend of mine told me last night that sometimes, the Lord just wants us to wait on Him... not to do anything - just trust Him, and wait for the next marching order.

so there are my options, as i see them. none of them are very appealing, and truth be told, it's very difficult to make such a decision when my heart and mind are not aligned and engaged.

if you've made it this far into this post, thanks for sticking with me, although i didn't expect you to. this is really a way for me to think through my options, to really take a long hard look at them, and try to see them clearly. the Lord has been very faithful to teach me not to look at my circumstances right now, especially right now. He wants me looking at Him. He wants me involved in the lives of those i love so much, who are struggling and hurting so much. He wants to continue to heal my heart. in other words, He wants me to look at my situation through His eyes. He wants me to believe Him, not my circumstances.

Lord, give me eyes to see and ears to hear, and open my heart, that i may turn, and follow You.