tell me, if you can, how sexual abuse glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how a father's disappearance, leaving his wife and children abandoned, glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how a wife suffering at the hands of her husband glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how infertility glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how adultery and humiliation glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how separation and divorce glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how losing a home glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how utter despair glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how bankruptcy and identity theft glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how struggling to fit and being rejected glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how getting laid off glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how possible financial ruin - again - glorifies the LORD?
tell me, if you can, how anything in my life glorifies the LORD?
i've seen enough trial and struggle to last 10 lifetimes. don't talk to me about trials, storms and struggles. i've seen Him be faithful to bring me out of some of these situations. some, He's seen fit to leave me in. a friend of mine recently wrote me an email saying that the entire Body of the ring is suffering and that she is blown away by His sovereignty. His sovereignty??? another friend of mine recently told me that He has shown her that He is bringing me to a place where i will be settled, and that everything going on in my life is ultimately going to glorify Him. really... i wonder why He has not seen fit to show me the same thing? oh, that's right... His sovereignty. His choice. His plan. His story.
we're taught to embrace struggles, to thank Him for trusting us with trials - that storms are allowed by Him to come against us. this is biblical, to be sure. however, the idea that we are supposed to lie down and take this crap does not ring true to me. it is, in fact, a very dangerous thing to do. fine, you want to talk about embracing a fight - then embrace it the way william wallace did - head on with a full frontal assault. we're taught that our struggles are not against flesh and blood, but against evil - to be wary and alert - that our enemy prowls around day and night seeking those whom he can devour. we're also taught that there is a time and a season for everything - and everything in me is screaming FIGHT.
we're given the POWER of the Blood of Christ for a reason. we're given the armor of God for a reason. personally, i'm tired of being in this place. i'm tired of seeing the Body suffer. when are we going to stand up and fight - not individually, but as a united Body - of one heart and one mind? we've been given EVERYTHING we need for life and godliness - for His sake and ours - let's use it - let's get out of this place and let's get on with this story.
5.28.2006
5.20.2006
discipleship
last sunday, josh spoke about community groups and why they are structured the way that they are: all age groups and walks of life combined into one community, with the older members mentoring and discipling the younger. that's a biblical example, to be sure. the question that keeps running through my mind is this: who is discipling the older ones?
listen to what john eldredge has to say about discipleship:
If you're not pursuing a dangerous quest with your life, well, then, you don't need a Guide. If you haven't found yourself in the midst of a ferocious war, then you won't need a seasoned Captain. If you've settled in your mind to live as though this is a fairly neutral world and you are simply trying to live your life the best you can, then you can probably get by with the Christianity of tips and techniques. Maybe. I'll give you a fifty-fifty chance. But if you intend to live in the Story that God is telling, and if you want the life he offers, then you are going to need more than a handful of principles, however noble they may be. There are too many twists and turns in the road ahead, too many ambushes waiting only God knows where, too much at stake. You cannot possibly prepare yourself for every situation. Narrow is the way, said Jesus. How shall we be sure to find it? We need God intimately, and we need him desperately.
"You have made known to me the path of life," David said (Ps. 16:11). Yes - that's it. In all the ins and outs of this thing we call living, there is one narrow path to life, and we need help finding it.
What is Discipleship?
On the other hand, there is what we have come to accept as discipleship. A friend of mine recently handed me a program from a large and successful church somewhere in the Midwest. It's a rather exemplary model of what the idea has fallen to. Their plan for discipleship involves, first, becoming a member of this particular church. Then they encourage you to take a course on doctrine. Be "faithful" in attending the Sunday morning service and a small group fellowship. Complete a special course on Christian growth. Live a life that demonstrates clear evidence of spiritual growth. Complete a class on evangelism. Consistently look for opportunities to evangelize. Complete a course on finances, one on marriage, and another on parenting (provided that you are married or a parent). Complete a leadership training course, a hermeneutics course, a course on spiritual gifts, and another on biblical counseling. Participate in missions. Carry a significant local church ministry "load."
You're probably surprised that I would question this sort of program; most churches are trying to get their folks to complete something like this, one way or another. No doubt a great deal of helpful information is passed on. My goodness, you could earn an MBA with less effort. But let me ask you: A program like this - does it teach a person how to apply principles, or how to walk with God? They are not the same thing. Change the content and any cult could do this. I mean, Gandhi was a remarkable man; so was Lao-tzu, Confucius, or Thomas Jefferson. They all had principles for a better life. But only Christianity can teach you to walk with God.
We forfeit that birthright when we take folks through a discipleship program whereby they master any number of Christian precepts and miss this most important thing of all, the very thing for which we were created: intimacy with God. There are, after all, those troubling words Jesus spoke to those who where doing all the "right" things: "Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you'" (Matt 7:23). Knowing God. That's the point.
You might recall the old proverb: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." The same holds true here. Teach a man a rule and you help him solve a problem; teach a man to walk with God and you help hom solve the rest of his life. Truth be told, you couldn't master enough principles to see you safely through this Story. There are too many surprises, ambiguities, exceptions to the rule. Things are hard at work - is it time to make a move? Things are hard at home - is this just a phase your son is going through, or should you be more concerned? You can't seem to shake this depression - is it medical or something darker? What does the future hold for you - and how should you respond?
Only by walking with God can we hope to find the path that leads to life. That is what it means to be a disciple. After all - aren't we "followers of Christ"? Then by all means, let's actually follow him. Not ideas about him. Not just his principles. Him.
---- john eldredge, Waking the Dead, pp 95-96
please do not read this as an indictment against the ring. far from it. it's more a heart quest to understand how this all fits together. what are correct and biblical expectations for me to carry into a community group? who is discipling the older ones? how are the older ones supposed to disciple the younger if they aren't being discipled? it's a struggle in my mind, and one that the passage quoted above begins to address. i need to look to Him. got it. who is going to show me how to do that? who is going to show me the deeper things that await me in this walk with Jesus? am i to take from this passage that i am to walk alone with Him? no, i don't think so. i need to learn how to walk with Him as much as the next (read "younger") person.
as Jesus said, narrow is the path, and i really need help finding it. i need help staying on it. i need someone to pull me forward as i reach back to pull someone else along. our core beliefs sound great on paper. how do they play out in real life? what does that really look like? that's the great and frustrating part of being such a baby church. we get to participate in the hard part - where the vision He gave the elders 8 years ago comes to fruition and we get to figure it out as we go. Jesus, lead on. we will follow.
listen to what john eldredge has to say about discipleship:
If you're not pursuing a dangerous quest with your life, well, then, you don't need a Guide. If you haven't found yourself in the midst of a ferocious war, then you won't need a seasoned Captain. If you've settled in your mind to live as though this is a fairly neutral world and you are simply trying to live your life the best you can, then you can probably get by with the Christianity of tips and techniques. Maybe. I'll give you a fifty-fifty chance. But if you intend to live in the Story that God is telling, and if you want the life he offers, then you are going to need more than a handful of principles, however noble they may be. There are too many twists and turns in the road ahead, too many ambushes waiting only God knows where, too much at stake. You cannot possibly prepare yourself for every situation. Narrow is the way, said Jesus. How shall we be sure to find it? We need God intimately, and we need him desperately.
"You have made known to me the path of life," David said (Ps. 16:11). Yes - that's it. In all the ins and outs of this thing we call living, there is one narrow path to life, and we need help finding it.
What is Discipleship?
On the other hand, there is what we have come to accept as discipleship. A friend of mine recently handed me a program from a large and successful church somewhere in the Midwest. It's a rather exemplary model of what the idea has fallen to. Their plan for discipleship involves, first, becoming a member of this particular church. Then they encourage you to take a course on doctrine. Be "faithful" in attending the Sunday morning service and a small group fellowship. Complete a special course on Christian growth. Live a life that demonstrates clear evidence of spiritual growth. Complete a class on evangelism. Consistently look for opportunities to evangelize. Complete a course on finances, one on marriage, and another on parenting (provided that you are married or a parent). Complete a leadership training course, a hermeneutics course, a course on spiritual gifts, and another on biblical counseling. Participate in missions. Carry a significant local church ministry "load."
You're probably surprised that I would question this sort of program; most churches are trying to get their folks to complete something like this, one way or another. No doubt a great deal of helpful information is passed on. My goodness, you could earn an MBA with less effort. But let me ask you: A program like this - does it teach a person how to apply principles, or how to walk with God? They are not the same thing. Change the content and any cult could do this. I mean, Gandhi was a remarkable man; so was Lao-tzu, Confucius, or Thomas Jefferson. They all had principles for a better life. But only Christianity can teach you to walk with God.
We forfeit that birthright when we take folks through a discipleship program whereby they master any number of Christian precepts and miss this most important thing of all, the very thing for which we were created: intimacy with God. There are, after all, those troubling words Jesus spoke to those who where doing all the "right" things: "Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you'" (Matt 7:23). Knowing God. That's the point.
You might recall the old proverb: "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." The same holds true here. Teach a man a rule and you help him solve a problem; teach a man to walk with God and you help hom solve the rest of his life. Truth be told, you couldn't master enough principles to see you safely through this Story. There are too many surprises, ambiguities, exceptions to the rule. Things are hard at work - is it time to make a move? Things are hard at home - is this just a phase your son is going through, or should you be more concerned? You can't seem to shake this depression - is it medical or something darker? What does the future hold for you - and how should you respond?
Only by walking with God can we hope to find the path that leads to life. That is what it means to be a disciple. After all - aren't we "followers of Christ"? Then by all means, let's actually follow him. Not ideas about him. Not just his principles. Him.
---- john eldredge, Waking the Dead, pp 95-96
please do not read this as an indictment against the ring. far from it. it's more a heart quest to understand how this all fits together. what are correct and biblical expectations for me to carry into a community group? who is discipling the older ones? how are the older ones supposed to disciple the younger if they aren't being discipled? it's a struggle in my mind, and one that the passage quoted above begins to address. i need to look to Him. got it. who is going to show me how to do that? who is going to show me the deeper things that await me in this walk with Jesus? am i to take from this passage that i am to walk alone with Him? no, i don't think so. i need to learn how to walk with Him as much as the next (read "younger") person.
as Jesus said, narrow is the path, and i really need help finding it. i need help staying on it. i need someone to pull me forward as i reach back to pull someone else along. our core beliefs sound great on paper. how do they play out in real life? what does that really look like? that's the great and frustrating part of being such a baby church. we get to participate in the hard part - where the vision He gave the elders 8 years ago comes to fruition and we get to figure it out as we go. Jesus, lead on. we will follow.
5.16.2006
brush strokes
coming to the realization that i need to get a grip is not the same thing as actually getting a grip.
as i continue to come up for air and climb out of this place, i'm beginning to realize that life is a constant battle and looking for the end of the current skirmish is useless. paul warns us repeatedly that our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against the unseen forces of evil around us. Lief Enger writes that, "We and the world, my children, will always be at war. Retreat is impossible. Arm yourselves." C.S. Lewis writes in Mere Christianity, "One of the things that surprised me when I first read the New Testament seriously was that it talked so much about a Dark Power in the universe - a mighty evil spirit who was held to be the Power behind death and disease, and sin. The difference is that Christianity thinks this Dark Power was created by God, and was good when he created it, and went wrong. Christianity agrees... this universe is at war."
the Lord spoke to me through josh sunday night. surrender is the word of the day, and consistent with the way my team prayed for me in mexico. in surrendering to Him, He will equip me to step back into the battle, where i belong. there is something that He wants me to let go of, but damned if i know what it is. i'm not intentionally holding anything from Him. in fact, i'm trying very hard to wear this new suit of humility, but it doesn't fit quite right.
thinking through that, i've realized that it does not fit because i'm trying to imitate the way i see it displayed in the lives of those i love. imitating Christ's humility is a beautifully multi-faceted process, and i'm learning that it's ok for my life, my faith and my humility to be uniquely from Him - that is, in fact, where it's supposed to come from. i've found that my faith does not look like anyone else's - and it's not supposed to. i've tried to imitate the humility that i see in the lives of my friends and it just does not work. it doesn't work because it isn't me.
funny how some of the people who read my blog avoided meeting my eyes sunday night. funny how honesty makes some of you uncomfortable. that's ok with me.
i find that my spirit is screaming louder than my flesh, for a change. galatians 5:1 says that it is for freedom that Christ set us free. if that's true, and we all know that it is, it stands to reason that i'm balking because i feel oppressed by the enemy and repressed by judgment and religion within the church. here me loud and clear - i do not look like you. i don't want to look like you. i admire and love you, but i am not you.
my heart is ferocious, passionate and bold. i cannot pretend to be otherwise. i refuse to be yoked with the burden of mediocrity. i refuse to be placed in a mold that makes everyone around me breathe a little easier. if my life challenges you, praise God. if my life convicts you, praise God. each of your lives challenges and convicts me, and i praise His name everyday for that.
humility in my life is not going to look like anyone else that i know. we are all wired differently, and i'm ok with that. we are all beautifully and wonderfully made - in His image - we are all brush strokes on a canvas that form a complete portrait of His face... and what a beautiful portrait it is.
Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O LORD my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
-Psalm 86:11-12
as i continue to come up for air and climb out of this place, i'm beginning to realize that life is a constant battle and looking for the end of the current skirmish is useless. paul warns us repeatedly that our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against the unseen forces of evil around us. Lief Enger writes that, "We and the world, my children, will always be at war. Retreat is impossible. Arm yourselves." C.S. Lewis writes in Mere Christianity, "One of the things that surprised me when I first read the New Testament seriously was that it talked so much about a Dark Power in the universe - a mighty evil spirit who was held to be the Power behind death and disease, and sin. The difference is that Christianity thinks this Dark Power was created by God, and was good when he created it, and went wrong. Christianity agrees... this universe is at war."
the Lord spoke to me through josh sunday night. surrender is the word of the day, and consistent with the way my team prayed for me in mexico. in surrendering to Him, He will equip me to step back into the battle, where i belong. there is something that He wants me to let go of, but damned if i know what it is. i'm not intentionally holding anything from Him. in fact, i'm trying very hard to wear this new suit of humility, but it doesn't fit quite right.
thinking through that, i've realized that it does not fit because i'm trying to imitate the way i see it displayed in the lives of those i love. imitating Christ's humility is a beautifully multi-faceted process, and i'm learning that it's ok for my life, my faith and my humility to be uniquely from Him - that is, in fact, where it's supposed to come from. i've found that my faith does not look like anyone else's - and it's not supposed to. i've tried to imitate the humility that i see in the lives of my friends and it just does not work. it doesn't work because it isn't me.
funny how some of the people who read my blog avoided meeting my eyes sunday night. funny how honesty makes some of you uncomfortable. that's ok with me.
i find that my spirit is screaming louder than my flesh, for a change. galatians 5:1 says that it is for freedom that Christ set us free. if that's true, and we all know that it is, it stands to reason that i'm balking because i feel oppressed by the enemy and repressed by judgment and religion within the church. here me loud and clear - i do not look like you. i don't want to look like you. i admire and love you, but i am not you.
my heart is ferocious, passionate and bold. i cannot pretend to be otherwise. i refuse to be yoked with the burden of mediocrity. i refuse to be placed in a mold that makes everyone around me breathe a little easier. if my life challenges you, praise God. if my life convicts you, praise God. each of your lives challenges and convicts me, and i praise His name everyday for that.
humility in my life is not going to look like anyone else that i know. we are all wired differently, and i'm ok with that. we are all beautifully and wonderfully made - in His image - we are all brush strokes on a canvas that form a complete portrait of His face... and what a beautiful portrait it is.
Teach me your way, O LORD,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
I will praise you, O LORD my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
-Psalm 86:11-12
5.13.2006
one more time
as my grief process runs it's course, it's time to decide what to do with the rest of my life. what's the next step? find a new job? go back to school at 33? take a break and decide later? get married and be done with it all?
all are options, but only one rings true and brings me peace. guess who just applied to the graduate school at lsu? that would be yours truly. i don't have a clue what i'll be studying yet, but it's a step in the right direction and i'm more excited than i care to admit.
funny how i didn't feel out of place on campus yesterday. funny how i've been surrounded by 20-somethings for 3 years now and it's just a part of my life that i know is from Him. this is just one more way He is proving that He sees the big picture and i don't - one more way He has been equipping me for this next season.
what's ironically funny to me is that all the students i know hate projects and exams. the reality is that the difference between work and school is that you get paid for one and you pay for the other. you still have projects, tests, timelines and stress. going in the opposite direction from everyone else - as is typical for me - from work to school - brings a sense of excitement and anticipation... now, if i can just figure out what He wants me to study, i'll be doing good.
yeah, i know. His timing, right?
another cool aspect to this new turn of events is that i get to experience school as me - not as a wife - and believe me, there is a huge difference. i get to go to games (in the student section, no less!), i get to stay at school to study and work on projects, i get to take off-campus classes out in the field, i get to participate in any extra-curricular activity that my schedule will allow - i get to be a student on His terms, not my ex's. how awesome is that???
i've been given yet another opportunity to make a difference with my life - for Him and His glory. i've got a month until classes start and i cannot wait... remind me of that when i start complaining about projects and timelines...
all are options, but only one rings true and brings me peace. guess who just applied to the graduate school at lsu? that would be yours truly. i don't have a clue what i'll be studying yet, but it's a step in the right direction and i'm more excited than i care to admit.
funny how i didn't feel out of place on campus yesterday. funny how i've been surrounded by 20-somethings for 3 years now and it's just a part of my life that i know is from Him. this is just one more way He is proving that He sees the big picture and i don't - one more way He has been equipping me for this next season.
what's ironically funny to me is that all the students i know hate projects and exams. the reality is that the difference between work and school is that you get paid for one and you pay for the other. you still have projects, tests, timelines and stress. going in the opposite direction from everyone else - as is typical for me - from work to school - brings a sense of excitement and anticipation... now, if i can just figure out what He wants me to study, i'll be doing good.
yeah, i know. His timing, right?
another cool aspect to this new turn of events is that i get to experience school as me - not as a wife - and believe me, there is a huge difference. i get to go to games (in the student section, no less!), i get to stay at school to study and work on projects, i get to take off-campus classes out in the field, i get to participate in any extra-curricular activity that my schedule will allow - i get to be a student on His terms, not my ex's. how awesome is that???
i've been given yet another opportunity to make a difference with my life - for Him and His glory. i've got a month until classes start and i cannot wait... remind me of that when i start complaining about projects and timelines...
5.11.2006
enough, already
so i need to get a grip. apparently this is a daily thing that must happen in my life.
katie and i were talking between the last 2 posts. she asked me if i had any peace about any decisions i may have made in regards to leaving community group or the ring. i definitely have no peace, and have not for quite a while now. she was somewhat disappointed, knowing that i would be at peace even with a hard decision, if it was from the Lord. waking up crying can in no way be construed as being at peace. more out of frustration than anything, i read her the email that i referenced in the last post. her immediate comment was that it sounded like it could have been written today. agreeing with her, i followed her thought with one of my own, commenting that spending a year in that place was WAY too long... that place of no peace, little grace, and in constant battle with the Lord over my role in the Body... and hello, in walks the Lord, smack dab into the middle of the conversation and into my heart.
it seems i have a bit of an issue with embracing my role as an intercessor as "enough". yeah, i'm cringing from the pride in that statement, too.
interestingly, the email in reference is the one that helped identify my gift of intercession. i can't believe i didn't see that one coming from a mile away. damned if the enemy hasn't had a field day with this. take some pride and mix it with a need for self-gratification by means of recognition from my leadership at the ring, and viola! you have the perfect recipe for defeat...
well... how did Jesus combat the enemy of God? with Truth. more on that in a minute...
i know this post is all out of whack, but i'm vibrating inside at the moment, so please bear with me. before katie and i talked, i was cleaning out my bible. for those of you who know me, you know that's quite a big deal. i have 3 years worth of ring notes, prayer requests, cards, pictures... even a third day concert ticket. the amount of paper stuffed into the pockets had more than doubled the size of my bible. anyway... i was accomplishing 2 things - reducing the amount of stuff inside so that i can actually close it, and i was trying to cut ties with the ring in a tangible way. interestingly, i kept a couple of key things in there that i could not bear to part with - a letter from john eldredge, and a couple of "firsts" from the launch of the ring community church - namely our core beliefs, our prayer needs, our very first prayer request card and our very first tithe envelope. now really, how difficult is it to see where my heart is, even in an act of pulling away? who am i kidding?
before katie and i talked, nate and i were on im all afternoon, discussing this place that i cannot seem to leave - both literally and spiritually. he had red flags going up everywhere every time i mentioned leaving the ring, as did i. to say that we were both very sad is a gross understatement. katie's question about peace in making these decisions stopped me cold in my tracks.
last night we were talking about all this, and i told her about a passage of Scripture that He pointed me to on a couple of occasions while i was in florida. i was praying one night, asking the Lord for something, anything to point me in the right direction. i flipped my bible open and it landed in 1 samuel. my eyes landed on the story of david and goliath, and i read straight through to 2 samuel where david becomes king of israel. good stuff, but it didn't seem particularly applicable. my attention was drawn to some notes i had written in the section prior to the fight with goliath. "the right what with the wrong why is useless" and "partial obedience is still disobedience - He demands total, heartfelt obedience" both written in reference to 1 samuel 15:22 where samuel is rebuking saul for not obeying the LORD's instructions to the letter. my mind flitted over that, but didn't settle on any one thing that i was ready to admit to being intentionally disobedient about, so i let it go. another night, He brought me to the same passage, and the same notes. hmmm...
here's another interesting twist. the only other thing that i put aside from my bible cleaning venture is a list of passages on peace that meg passed out in sunday school a couple of weeks ago... i think the Lord has been setting me up for a while now, preparing and equipping me for this moment.
i'm slightly embarrassed - chagrined is probably a better word - by this ongoing and very public battle. however, i am more than happy to capitulate, admit to disobedience and pride and GET ON WITH IT. the enemy has had me tied up in knots of frustration and self-glorification quite long enough. there are reparations to be made, collateral damage to be undone and a new suit of humility to try on. i think this time it just might fit.
katie and i were talking between the last 2 posts. she asked me if i had any peace about any decisions i may have made in regards to leaving community group or the ring. i definitely have no peace, and have not for quite a while now. she was somewhat disappointed, knowing that i would be at peace even with a hard decision, if it was from the Lord. waking up crying can in no way be construed as being at peace. more out of frustration than anything, i read her the email that i referenced in the last post. her immediate comment was that it sounded like it could have been written today. agreeing with her, i followed her thought with one of my own, commenting that spending a year in that place was WAY too long... that place of no peace, little grace, and in constant battle with the Lord over my role in the Body... and hello, in walks the Lord, smack dab into the middle of the conversation and into my heart.
it seems i have a bit of an issue with embracing my role as an intercessor as "enough". yeah, i'm cringing from the pride in that statement, too.
interestingly, the email in reference is the one that helped identify my gift of intercession. i can't believe i didn't see that one coming from a mile away. damned if the enemy hasn't had a field day with this. take some pride and mix it with a need for self-gratification by means of recognition from my leadership at the ring, and viola! you have the perfect recipe for defeat...
well... how did Jesus combat the enemy of God? with Truth. more on that in a minute...
i know this post is all out of whack, but i'm vibrating inside at the moment, so please bear with me. before katie and i talked, i was cleaning out my bible. for those of you who know me, you know that's quite a big deal. i have 3 years worth of ring notes, prayer requests, cards, pictures... even a third day concert ticket. the amount of paper stuffed into the pockets had more than doubled the size of my bible. anyway... i was accomplishing 2 things - reducing the amount of stuff inside so that i can actually close it, and i was trying to cut ties with the ring in a tangible way. interestingly, i kept a couple of key things in there that i could not bear to part with - a letter from john eldredge, and a couple of "firsts" from the launch of the ring community church - namely our core beliefs, our prayer needs, our very first prayer request card and our very first tithe envelope. now really, how difficult is it to see where my heart is, even in an act of pulling away? who am i kidding?
before katie and i talked, nate and i were on im all afternoon, discussing this place that i cannot seem to leave - both literally and spiritually. he had red flags going up everywhere every time i mentioned leaving the ring, as did i. to say that we were both very sad is a gross understatement. katie's question about peace in making these decisions stopped me cold in my tracks.
last night we were talking about all this, and i told her about a passage of Scripture that He pointed me to on a couple of occasions while i was in florida. i was praying one night, asking the Lord for something, anything to point me in the right direction. i flipped my bible open and it landed in 1 samuel. my eyes landed on the story of david and goliath, and i read straight through to 2 samuel where david becomes king of israel. good stuff, but it didn't seem particularly applicable. my attention was drawn to some notes i had written in the section prior to the fight with goliath. "the right what with the wrong why is useless" and "partial obedience is still disobedience - He demands total, heartfelt obedience" both written in reference to 1 samuel 15:22 where samuel is rebuking saul for not obeying the LORD's instructions to the letter. my mind flitted over that, but didn't settle on any one thing that i was ready to admit to being intentionally disobedient about, so i let it go. another night, He brought me to the same passage, and the same notes. hmmm...
here's another interesting twist. the only other thing that i put aside from my bible cleaning venture is a list of passages on peace that meg passed out in sunday school a couple of weeks ago... i think the Lord has been setting me up for a while now, preparing and equipping me for this moment.
i'm slightly embarrassed - chagrined is probably a better word - by this ongoing and very public battle. however, i am more than happy to capitulate, admit to disobedience and pride and GET ON WITH IT. the enemy has had me tied up in knots of frustration and self-glorification quite long enough. there are reparations to be made, collateral damage to be undone and a new suit of humility to try on. i think this time it just might fit.
here
continuing from the last post - "here" is a relative term, i've discovered.
i came across an email written by me in august 2005 - almost a year ago - and it could have been written today. it describes, to the t, exactly where i find myself today. when i said i don't belong here, i meant at the ring. i also meant baton rouge. reading that email, i've realized that "here" is a spiritual place, not a church or a city.
that's huge. as in epiphany huge. as in God showed up in a hurry on this one. wow.
i'm not saying that all is well in my world. i am saying that He is stepping in at a critical moment, and i am so thankful i'm afraid to breathe.
o praise You, Jesus.
i came across an email written by me in august 2005 - almost a year ago - and it could have been written today. it describes, to the t, exactly where i find myself today. when i said i don't belong here, i meant at the ring. i also meant baton rouge. reading that email, i've realized that "here" is a spiritual place, not a church or a city.
that's huge. as in epiphany huge. as in God showed up in a hurry on this one. wow.
i'm not saying that all is well in my world. i am saying that He is stepping in at a critical moment, and i am so thankful i'm afraid to breathe.
o praise You, Jesus.
severed
i did a lot of thinking while i was away. one consistent theme is that HE has seen fit to sever most of my ties here in baton rouge. no job, no home, lots of suffering friendships and unexpected changes of heart.
i don't belong here anymore. i don't know why or even when that happened, i just know it to be true.
in thinking through that, it occured to me that my life can be viewed in 3-year cycles, going back at least 21 years that i can really remember. i am approaching the end of this current 3-year cycle since i've been involved in the ring. i thought that i had finally found my home - my place in the world and in the Body of Christ.
apparently not. there is too much hurt here. i can no longer believe that my being here is of HIM.
this is not a woe-is-me post. this is an honest assessment of what i believe HE is doing in my life. i think HE is preparing me for the next season... whatever that means - and where-ever that is. my constant prayer is that i stay in tune with HIS voice and am able to clearly distinguish it from the rest of the voices in my head.
josh jokingly called me a nomad a few weeks back. i'm sure he didn't have a clue how close he came to nailing it.
i don't belong here anymore. i don't know why or even when that happened, i just know it to be true.
in thinking through that, it occured to me that my life can be viewed in 3-year cycles, going back at least 21 years that i can really remember. i am approaching the end of this current 3-year cycle since i've been involved in the ring. i thought that i had finally found my home - my place in the world and in the Body of Christ.
apparently not. there is too much hurt here. i can no longer believe that my being here is of HIM.
this is not a woe-is-me post. this is an honest assessment of what i believe HE is doing in my life. i think HE is preparing me for the next season... whatever that means - and where-ever that is. my constant prayer is that i stay in tune with HIS voice and am able to clearly distinguish it from the rest of the voices in my head.
josh jokingly called me a nomad a few weeks back. i'm sure he didn't have a clue how close he came to nailing it.
change of name
it occured to me that HIS light is not shining brightly through me - more like a smoldering glow. it also occured to me that, unintentionally, the previous title was more than a little arrogant.
so... welcome to snippets of my life. they will never tell the whole story, but hopefully, they will always point back to HIM.
so... welcome to snippets of my life. they will never tell the whole story, but hopefully, they will always point back to HIM.
5.03.2006
found
it's been a month to the day since my last post. to put it mildly - it's been a rough time.
there may be a time when i feel the need to expound on the battle i've been fighting, but not today. briefly, i've been battling with the Lord - a battle i know i'm going to lose - but a battle i have to fight, none-the-less. i've been rendered completely ineffective for His Kingdom, and have been, quite honestly, very selfish and inward focused.
this post is about grace. His grace. it's also about intimacy - physical and spiritual. so, be warned. this is going to be very personal, very intimate and quite possibly "r" rated. it's your decision to continue reading.
i choose to allow Him to heal me. i choose to trust Him. i choose to experience the hurt later on, in order to experience His healing now. i choose not to question my Lord, but rather to lay my heart bare before Him, knowing that He knows far better than i what i need.
there may be a time when i feel the need to expound on the battle i've been fighting, but not today. briefly, i've been battling with the Lord - a battle i know i'm going to lose - but a battle i have to fight, none-the-less. i've been rendered completely ineffective for His Kingdom, and have been, quite honestly, very selfish and inward focused.
this post is about grace. His grace. it's also about intimacy - physical and spiritual. so, be warned. this is going to be very personal, very intimate and quite possibly "r" rated. it's your decision to continue reading.
i mentioned that i have been battling the Lord for quite a while now. i've been very angry with Him. i've been pouting. i've been very defiant and completely devoid of grace. all this a culmination of circumstances beginning in january with the death of my cousin, and ending with being laid off, unable to take the break i need (as i define need) and living with my mother at 33 years of age. yes - it's an honest statement to say that i am pissed off at the Lord. it's ok, kids - He can handle my anger - i've been much angrier than this with Him, i assure you.
in the midst of this anger, He remains steady and unpredictable. typical.
i met with Him the other night, very unexpectdly and very intimately. here's the part where if you have any religious or legalistic tendencies in your faith, you may want to stop reading.
i want to introduce you to my Jesus - the all-encompassing, all-consuming, ever-present, ever-loving Jesus. He showed up rather unexpectedly the other night. although He was invited, i've stopped expecting Him to show up - faithless, i know, but an accurate statement. He showed up in a way that i did not expect Him to. nor did i expect Him to do what He did.
in the interest of privacy, i'll limit the description to the work He did in my heart. in a time where i've defined what i need from Him, He shows up and ministers in a completely unexpected way - a way that i have not recently asked Him, nor expected Him, to show up. i need Him to show up in many ways, but not in this way, in this time. He showed up to heal some very, very old wounds. intimate wounds that i left on the back burner, expecting Him to heal them at a much later, more "appropriate" time in my life for these specific wounds. i'm talking about deeply intimate wounds - wounds that began when i was 12 and have been twisted and scarred and re-opened and never healed. yes, we're talking about s-e-x.
gasp. "wait!" you cry. "s-e-x outside of marriage is a sin. Jesus would not show up in the midst of sin. you must be completely inundated with lies from the enemy. ann, you have lost your mind. we're calling an intervention."
but no. i have not lost my mind - i have found Jesus again. He came to me in the midst of an opportunity to sin, and used the intimacy of that situation to minister very tenderly to His battle-weary, scarred and wounded child. He has begun to heal my heart (and according to what He showed katie, He's begun to heal my body, too - but that 's a different story for a different time).
interestingly, He's chosen a man to carry out His healing work in my heart - a man who is leaving this place within a year. He's healing wounds, and asking me to trust Him to chose the method, knowing the hurt will run deeply when he leaves. He's asking me to trust Him with that hurt, too, when it comes.i choose to allow Him to heal me. i choose to trust Him. i choose to experience the hurt later on, in order to experience His healing now. i choose not to question my Lord, but rather to lay my heart bare before Him, knowing that He knows far better than i what i need.
4.03.2006
not about me
after many years of planning and being told by Him to wait – i was finally baptized into the Body of Christ on the evening of march 26, 2006. i was even allowed the honor of the first official dunking of the ring community church. even more than that - i was allowed to share in that moment with my community - with my church - with my friends and family. after 3 frustrating years of not understanding why He would not allow it to happen... i would not have had it any other way. i was, and still am, amazed and humbled by the extraordinary love and acceptance poured over me that night. my heart aches at the joy of it, even still. i pray it always does.
His timing intrigues me. in the midst of a cycle of brokenness, He asks me to publicly declare my devotion and surrender to Him. that’s a happy thing to do during good times. it’s much more about obedience, faith and love during this time in my life.
as the band led us in worship and even while josh spoke about the meaning of baptism, i sat on the stairs leading down into the baptismal font, praying about what He wanted from me, how i could adequately convey what He’s done in my life, and asking Him about this odd timing, and i heard clearly from Him for the first time in a very long time. He impressed on my heart in an undeniable way: this is not about me – my life is not my own – my life is not about me – it’s for and about HIM.
i realize that’s a pretty basic precept of our faith. maybe it’s just taken 3 years of walking closely with Him to truly understand that.
now, in my experience, if He takes 3 years to do anything, He’s up to something – BIG. i have an unsettled, anticipatory, sinking, joyous feeling that He’s about to rock my world. He began breaking me in january, and He has not stopped.
a friend of mine told me that when He pulls the rug out from under our lives, it’s because He wants our full attention and focus on Him. well. He’s got it.
3.17.2006
undaunted
I know – that’s a pretty bold statement... consider the source.
Let’s take a brief look at 2006 so far – a “year in review”, if you will. We’ll look at it through 2 lenses.
The World View
January 1 – Sunday School is amazing. I don’t know what changed from one Sunday to the next, but the dynamic is different somehow and it’s obvious that the Lord is doing something there.
January 2 – my family gets a call that my cousin has had a heart attack while traveling for work, and is in critical condition in a hospital in Knoxville.
January 5 – my family gets another call, more urgent this time, that my cousin is not responding to medical treatment, and is, in fact, expected to die. The Lord sends me to Knoxville – 9 hours away.
January 6 - I experience the incredibly difficult process of making the decision to take Bill off life support and watching him die, and experiencing my family's grief knowing that my prayers for healing my have somehow contributed to their level of grief. I was absolutely convinced that He sent me there to pray for healing, specifically.
January 7– I drive Bill’s wife home to Mississippi, and within hours, I am being screamed at by a drunken, grief-stricken cousin. I am beyond despair, and have been up for over 50 hours straight.
January 8 – a week to the day after the incredible start to the Sunday School class, and I roll back into Baton Rouge just in time for the Ring. My friends pray for me, my Lord refuels me, and He prepares me to go back to Mississippi for the funeral, which promises more family dysfunction and drama.
January 9 – back to work for a day, then a trip to meet with my pastor for some sense of normalcy in a world gone mad. I’ve hit bottom by then, and am infused by His strength. I am beginning to get my feet under me again.
January 10 – back on the road to Mississippi, sister in tow, to help with arrangements and attend the wake.
January 11 – the funeral sucked. I had a slight altercation with the reverend and embarrassed my mom. Yay grief and judgment. Back home and back to work.
January 31 – the Intent to Vacate is due on my apartment. The Lord told me I would be here 2 years, but He said that 2 years ago, and His silence is deafening. I try to turn in a conditional Intent to Vacate, and the office refuses to accept it, but say they are willing to work with me, as there is a waiting list for my apartment, and as soon as it’s turned in, we’re out – there’s no turning back. Yay more stress.
Brief digression – I lost my last home in a disastrous divorce – my ex maintained possession of the house and did not pay for it. When I moved home from Texas, the banks came after me, as I was the only one holding a job. I spent that summer working in the abandoned house, repairing holes in the walls and repainting everything – no electricity and no running water – did I mention that said house is 17’ aboveground? I was forced into bankruptcy 2 years ago after the banks foreclosed on the property and sued me personally. There's nothing quite like the feeling of showing up to work on a house that my ex committed adultry in and the locks on the doors have been drilled. I did not know that life held so much humiliation. But wait - there's more.
February – I believe that the Lord wants me to step out in faith. I apply for a mortgage with my mom, and we are approved for quite a bit of house. The hunt is on for THE house He has for us. I found one house that I fell in love with that was outside my price range, so I decided to not risk it. Another house dropped in my lap, this time from a coworker, and it’s perfect for me. After much prayer, I realize that while it is perfect for me, it is not perfect for me, Katie and Mom. My agent happens to call and encourages me to make an offer on the first house, which I do – I would have regretted not trying. I ask the owners to come down significantly, and they meet me halfway. Halfway is not good enough – I made my best offer and I really do not feel any peace about making a counter offer. I stick to my initial offer. The owners happen to be en route to Baton Rouge from south Florida, and they have the house appraised – 3 times – and each time the appraisal come in right at what I offered. They refuse to sell, I refuse to go into a house upside down – not to mention that no bank in the world will finance over 100% LTV to a person 2 years out of a Chapter 7 bankruptcy, so the deal dies around the first week of March.
I would be remiss is I failed to mention the launch of the Ring Community Church on February 12. What an AMAZING display of the Lord’s faithfulness, and a night of unsurpassed worship and praise to the Father. GLORY.
March 6 – Katie puts her notice in at work that she won’t be committing to a new class in the spring. She’ll be unemployed by June if she does not find something between now and then.
March 8 – I am unable to wake up for an early morning coffee date with Meg – I physically cannot open my eyes, much less get out of bed. I manage to get a text message to her, and try to go back to sleep. Later that morning, I’m walking the dog and I am sobbing as I walk, with no idea why. As I approach my apartment building, I see my downstairs neighbor, Mama Bertie, as I call her, and she come out and hugs me. I break down totally, and cry on her shoulder for a good 10 minutes. Embarrassed and confused, I make my excuses and go get ready for work.
Another slight digression – my boss has been acting funny – avoiding me – for weeks. Something’s up – I just don’t know what…
Back to March 8 – I have an 11:00 meeting with my boss to go over some work stuff. The Lord keeps prompting me to talk to him about my feelings of inadequacy – that I’m somehow letting him down because he is so stressed, and I’ve become nothing more than a highly over-compensated data entry clerk – which I did not sign up for and am very unhappy in that role. I argue with the Lord, and praise God He won. Long story short, he tells me he is restructuring my department, and my position is being eliminated – this is probably a direct result of my repeated insistence that he needs to be in Baton Rouge more – that the company has no day-to-day leadership and is floundering. Yay corporate America. Which is bullshit – what’s really going on is that he does not believe in my ability to lead – and he does not want to make the rest of the sales staff unhappy – of all of us, I am the expendable one. He was planning to tell me that afternoon, but since I brought it up, he told me that morning. I had a meeting with my realtor at lunch to go look at another house, which I probably would have put an offer on… so the house hunt comes to a screeching halt, Katie and I are moving into my mom’s 2 bedroom condo, and I’m waiting for D-Day when I’m finally told that I’ve been let go. Yay arrows of abandonment and rejection hitting me in the deep places of my heart.
March 15 – as much as I try to keep all this under wraps, the rumor mill at work is alive and well, and I find out that I’m THE topic of conversation at work – which is extremely embarrassing to me. Office political bullshit ensues, and heads are about to roll – attempts at defrauding the company are being exposed (no, I’m not defrauding the company) and things are getting crazy. For the most part, I am able to hold my head high and stand firmly in my faith - which is cool, because when people notice that, I get to point to Jesus as my Source.
March 17 – today was not such a good day. I feel rejected, invaluable as a person and as an employee, and my heart is heavy to the point of pain. My faith is taking a real beating, and I am despondent.
There’s more to this whole long story, but you get the gist.
The Spiritual View
January – I was given the honor of praying for my cousin’s soul, leading my family spiritually though an incredibly painful time, and giving Bill’s wife a crash-course in Christianity 101 – even though she’s been “saved” for 3 years (part of the reason for the altercation with the reverend.) I was allowed to intercede for Bill’s soul and show God’s light in a very dark place.
February – I took a leap of faith and He was faithful to His promise of 2 years – to the day. He allowed me to step out in faith, trusting Him to stop me, and He did. The lease here has been fulfilled, and any money I earn between now and the time I’m let go is being saved to pay my truck note and insurance so that I won’t be a burden on my mom. I’m planning a month break – going to stay with a friend in Florida to go fishing, and to sit on the beach at sunrise and sunset, and to regain my perspective – and to just rest in Him for a while.
March – I’m losing my job because I strive for personal excellence and perfection, and that makes people uncomfortable (I prefer convicted, but whatever). The Lord brought me to that place, and only the Lord can bring me away. May I shine His light brightly in these last days.
I don’t have a clue what the Lord is doing – but I know He’s doing something BIG. I’ve always said I’m along for the ride – well, I’m hanging on for dear life and I’m about at my wits end. I have more good days than bad – today was really bad.
So, what’s the point of this ridiculously long post? In a word – defiance. I am not defined by my circumstances. I am not defined by friendships that have not developed like I thought they would. Discouraged, but not defined. I will not believe the lies of the enemy of God that tell me I am abandoned and rejected by my boss and my community. That’s total bullshit.
Ultimately, it’s been an amazing year – I just have to look through the right lens. He’s up to something, and I cannot wait to see what He’s got in store – I just hope my heart can take it between now and then.
Let’s take a brief look at 2006 so far – a “year in review”, if you will. We’ll look at it through 2 lenses.
The World View
January 1 – Sunday School is amazing. I don’t know what changed from one Sunday to the next, but the dynamic is different somehow and it’s obvious that the Lord is doing something there.
January 2 – my family gets a call that my cousin has had a heart attack while traveling for work, and is in critical condition in a hospital in Knoxville.
January 5 – my family gets another call, more urgent this time, that my cousin is not responding to medical treatment, and is, in fact, expected to die. The Lord sends me to Knoxville – 9 hours away.
January 6 - I experience the incredibly difficult process of making the decision to take Bill off life support and watching him die, and experiencing my family's grief knowing that my prayers for healing my have somehow contributed to their level of grief. I was absolutely convinced that He sent me there to pray for healing, specifically.
January 7– I drive Bill’s wife home to Mississippi, and within hours, I am being screamed at by a drunken, grief-stricken cousin. I am beyond despair, and have been up for over 50 hours straight.
January 8 – a week to the day after the incredible start to the Sunday School class, and I roll back into Baton Rouge just in time for the Ring. My friends pray for me, my Lord refuels me, and He prepares me to go back to Mississippi for the funeral, which promises more family dysfunction and drama.
January 9 – back to work for a day, then a trip to meet with my pastor for some sense of normalcy in a world gone mad. I’ve hit bottom by then, and am infused by His strength. I am beginning to get my feet under me again.
January 10 – back on the road to Mississippi, sister in tow, to help with arrangements and attend the wake.
January 11 – the funeral sucked. I had a slight altercation with the reverend and embarrassed my mom. Yay grief and judgment. Back home and back to work.
January 31 – the Intent to Vacate is due on my apartment. The Lord told me I would be here 2 years, but He said that 2 years ago, and His silence is deafening. I try to turn in a conditional Intent to Vacate, and the office refuses to accept it, but say they are willing to work with me, as there is a waiting list for my apartment, and as soon as it’s turned in, we’re out – there’s no turning back. Yay more stress.
Brief digression – I lost my last home in a disastrous divorce – my ex maintained possession of the house and did not pay for it. When I moved home from Texas, the banks came after me, as I was the only one holding a job. I spent that summer working in the abandoned house, repairing holes in the walls and repainting everything – no electricity and no running water – did I mention that said house is 17’ aboveground? I was forced into bankruptcy 2 years ago after the banks foreclosed on the property and sued me personally. There's nothing quite like the feeling of showing up to work on a house that my ex committed adultry in and the locks on the doors have been drilled. I did not know that life held so much humiliation. But wait - there's more.
February – I believe that the Lord wants me to step out in faith. I apply for a mortgage with my mom, and we are approved for quite a bit of house. The hunt is on for THE house He has for us. I found one house that I fell in love with that was outside my price range, so I decided to not risk it. Another house dropped in my lap, this time from a coworker, and it’s perfect for me. After much prayer, I realize that while it is perfect for me, it is not perfect for me, Katie and Mom. My agent happens to call and encourages me to make an offer on the first house, which I do – I would have regretted not trying. I ask the owners to come down significantly, and they meet me halfway. Halfway is not good enough – I made my best offer and I really do not feel any peace about making a counter offer. I stick to my initial offer. The owners happen to be en route to Baton Rouge from south Florida, and they have the house appraised – 3 times – and each time the appraisal come in right at what I offered. They refuse to sell, I refuse to go into a house upside down – not to mention that no bank in the world will finance over 100% LTV to a person 2 years out of a Chapter 7 bankruptcy, so the deal dies around the first week of March.
I would be remiss is I failed to mention the launch of the Ring Community Church on February 12. What an AMAZING display of the Lord’s faithfulness, and a night of unsurpassed worship and praise to the Father. GLORY.
March 6 – Katie puts her notice in at work that she won’t be committing to a new class in the spring. She’ll be unemployed by June if she does not find something between now and then.
March 8 – I am unable to wake up for an early morning coffee date with Meg – I physically cannot open my eyes, much less get out of bed. I manage to get a text message to her, and try to go back to sleep. Later that morning, I’m walking the dog and I am sobbing as I walk, with no idea why. As I approach my apartment building, I see my downstairs neighbor, Mama Bertie, as I call her, and she come out and hugs me. I break down totally, and cry on her shoulder for a good 10 minutes. Embarrassed and confused, I make my excuses and go get ready for work.
Another slight digression – my boss has been acting funny – avoiding me – for weeks. Something’s up – I just don’t know what…
Back to March 8 – I have an 11:00 meeting with my boss to go over some work stuff. The Lord keeps prompting me to talk to him about my feelings of inadequacy – that I’m somehow letting him down because he is so stressed, and I’ve become nothing more than a highly over-compensated data entry clerk – which I did not sign up for and am very unhappy in that role. I argue with the Lord, and praise God He won. Long story short, he tells me he is restructuring my department, and my position is being eliminated – this is probably a direct result of my repeated insistence that he needs to be in Baton Rouge more – that the company has no day-to-day leadership and is floundering. Yay corporate America. Which is bullshit – what’s really going on is that he does not believe in my ability to lead – and he does not want to make the rest of the sales staff unhappy – of all of us, I am the expendable one. He was planning to tell me that afternoon, but since I brought it up, he told me that morning. I had a meeting with my realtor at lunch to go look at another house, which I probably would have put an offer on… so the house hunt comes to a screeching halt, Katie and I are moving into my mom’s 2 bedroom condo, and I’m waiting for D-Day when I’m finally told that I’ve been let go. Yay arrows of abandonment and rejection hitting me in the deep places of my heart.
March 15 – as much as I try to keep all this under wraps, the rumor mill at work is alive and well, and I find out that I’m THE topic of conversation at work – which is extremely embarrassing to me. Office political bullshit ensues, and heads are about to roll – attempts at defrauding the company are being exposed (no, I’m not defrauding the company) and things are getting crazy. For the most part, I am able to hold my head high and stand firmly in my faith - which is cool, because when people notice that, I get to point to Jesus as my Source.
March 17 – today was not such a good day. I feel rejected, invaluable as a person and as an employee, and my heart is heavy to the point of pain. My faith is taking a real beating, and I am despondent.
There’s more to this whole long story, but you get the gist.
The Spiritual View
January – I was given the honor of praying for my cousin’s soul, leading my family spiritually though an incredibly painful time, and giving Bill’s wife a crash-course in Christianity 101 – even though she’s been “saved” for 3 years (part of the reason for the altercation with the reverend.) I was allowed to intercede for Bill’s soul and show God’s light in a very dark place.
February – I took a leap of faith and He was faithful to His promise of 2 years – to the day. He allowed me to step out in faith, trusting Him to stop me, and He did. The lease here has been fulfilled, and any money I earn between now and the time I’m let go is being saved to pay my truck note and insurance so that I won’t be a burden on my mom. I’m planning a month break – going to stay with a friend in Florida to go fishing, and to sit on the beach at sunrise and sunset, and to regain my perspective – and to just rest in Him for a while.
March – I’m losing my job because I strive for personal excellence and perfection, and that makes people uncomfortable (I prefer convicted, but whatever). The Lord brought me to that place, and only the Lord can bring me away. May I shine His light brightly in these last days.
I don’t have a clue what the Lord is doing – but I know He’s doing something BIG. I’ve always said I’m along for the ride – well, I’m hanging on for dear life and I’m about at my wits end. I have more good days than bad – today was really bad.
So, what’s the point of this ridiculously long post? In a word – defiance. I am not defined by my circumstances. I am not defined by friendships that have not developed like I thought they would. Discouraged, but not defined. I will not believe the lies of the enemy of God that tell me I am abandoned and rejected by my boss and my community. That’s total bullshit.
Ultimately, it’s been an amazing year – I just have to look through the right lens. He’s up to something, and I cannot wait to see what He’s got in store – I just hope my heart can take it between now and then.
2.12.2006
GLORY
Wow.
My heart is still beating out of my chest, and the worship service has been over for hours. I prayed tonight for Him to blow us away – to do exceeding, abundantly above and beyond anything we could ask or imagine.
Wow.
What a glorious God we serve! What an amazing worship experience! I don’t want to try to put all the pieces together in my mind tonight – this night is all about HIM.
Wow.
I am more in love with Jesus than I have ever been. I am blown away by His faithfulness, His surprises, His overwhelming LOVE for His kids.
Wow.
What an amazing gift to be allowed to be a part of - watching Him show off – watching Him fulfill His promises in the presence of so many. What an amazing gift to be allowed to be part of it all.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
--Anne Murray
The Scripture Josh used to lead us through the birth of the Ring Community Church was from 2 Chronicles –
5:13-15 - 13 The trumpeters and singers joined in unison, as with one voice, to give praise and thanks to the LORD. Accompanied by trumpets, cymbals and other instruments, they raised their voices in praise to the LORD and sang:
"He is good;
his love endures forever."
Then the temple of the LORD was filled with a cloud, 14 and the priests could not perform their service because of the cloud, for the glory of the LORD filled the temple of God.
6:15 - 15 You have kept your promise to your servant David my father; with your mouth you have promised and with your hand you have fulfilled it—as it is today.
6:40 - 40 "Now, my God, may your eyes be open and your ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place.
7:15 - 15 Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place.
7:1-4 - 1 When Solomon finished praying, fire came down from heaven and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices, and the glory of the LORD filled the temple. 2 The priests could not enter the temple of the LORD because the glory of the LORD filled it. 3 When all the Israelites saw the fire coming down and the glory of the LORD above the temple, they knelt on the pavement with their faces to the ground, and they worshiped and gave thanks to the LORD, saying,
"He is good;
his love endures forever."
4 Then the king and all the people offered sacrifices before the LORD.
6:7-9 - 7 "My father David had it in his heart to build a temple for the Name of the LORD, the God of Israel. 8 But the LORD said to my father David, 'Because it was in your heart to build a temple for my Name, you did well to have this in your heart. 9 Nevertheless, you are not the one to build the temple, but your son, who is your own flesh and blood—he is the one who will build the temple for my Name.
The fulfillment of His promise to the Ring settles me deep in my soul. My heart is overflowing with love and adoration and praise. I am overwhelmed with the wonder of it all. My words are few tonight - there is no way for me to adequately convey what is in my heart. That will have to wait for another time. Tonight, I don't know if I want to dance, sing, or get on my face before Him. There is not a way to show Him what is in my heart - good thing He's God... He can just take a peak inside and see the love overflowing there.
What a glorious night, and what a GLORIOUS GOD!
My heart is still beating out of my chest, and the worship service has been over for hours. I prayed tonight for Him to blow us away – to do exceeding, abundantly above and beyond anything we could ask or imagine.
Wow.
What a glorious God we serve! What an amazing worship experience! I don’t want to try to put all the pieces together in my mind tonight – this night is all about HIM.
Wow.
I am more in love with Jesus than I have ever been. I am blown away by His faithfulness, His surprises, His overwhelming LOVE for His kids.
Wow.
What an amazing gift to be allowed to be a part of - watching Him show off – watching Him fulfill His promises in the presence of so many. What an amazing gift to be allowed to be part of it all.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!
--Anne Murray
The Scripture Josh used to lead us through the birth of the Ring Community Church was from 2 Chronicles –
5:13-15 - 13 The trumpeters and singers joined in unison, as with one voice, to give praise and thanks to the LORD. Accompanied by trumpets, cymbals and other instruments, they raised their voices in praise to the LORD and sang:
"He is good;
his love endures forever."
Then the temple of the LORD was filled with a cloud, 14 and the priests could not perform their service because of the cloud, for the glory of the LORD filled the temple of God.
6:15 - 15 You have kept your promise to your servant David my father; with your mouth you have promised and with your hand you have fulfilled it—as it is today.
6:40 - 40 "Now, my God, may your eyes be open and your ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place.
7:15 - 15 Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place.
7:1-4 - 1 When Solomon finished praying, fire came down from heaven and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices, and the glory of the LORD filled the temple. 2 The priests could not enter the temple of the LORD because the glory of the LORD filled it. 3 When all the Israelites saw the fire coming down and the glory of the LORD above the temple, they knelt on the pavement with their faces to the ground, and they worshiped and gave thanks to the LORD, saying,
"He is good;
his love endures forever."
4 Then the king and all the people offered sacrifices before the LORD.
6:7-9 - 7 "My father David had it in his heart to build a temple for the Name of the LORD, the God of Israel. 8 But the LORD said to my father David, 'Because it was in your heart to build a temple for my Name, you did well to have this in your heart. 9 Nevertheless, you are not the one to build the temple, but your son, who is your own flesh and blood—he is the one who will build the temple for my Name.
The fulfillment of His promise to the Ring settles me deep in my soul. My heart is overflowing with love and adoration and praise. I am overwhelmed with the wonder of it all. My words are few tonight - there is no way for me to adequately convey what is in my heart. That will have to wait for another time. Tonight, I don't know if I want to dance, sing, or get on my face before Him. There is not a way to show Him what is in my heart - good thing He's God... He can just take a peak inside and see the love overflowing there.
What a glorious night, and what a GLORIOUS GOD!
2.11.2006
day 1 - VICTORY!
Katie and I have been trying to work through some of the continuing battles that are tearing me up and wearing me down. The other day, we were talking about leadership, specifically about my hang-up that I have not been “chosen” for any type of leadership role in the Ring, or a hands-on managerial role at work, and how the “intimidation” observations exacerbate that particular struggle exponentially.
It was my stance that if people see me as intimidating, then I cannot possibly be the leader that I believe in my heart that I am called to be. Katie, being the encouraging one in this household, pointed out several lives and several situations where people see me or have come to me in a “leader” capacity. True enough, so why is this such an ongoing struggle?
We also talked about leaders that we know, and discussed the qualities that make them leaders. She made the observation that Josh NEVER says anything negative about anyone. You’ll never hear him tear someone down. He builds people up by saying good things about them to others. This gains the respect of the one being spoken to, and the one being spoken about. There’s something very encouraging and reassuring to our hearts when we hear that someone has spoken kindly of us – especially when that person is someone whom we hold in high regard.
That was a very challenging and convicting observation. Not to say that I stand around bashing people – far from it – but even the occasional indulging of an unkind observation makes me at best malicious, and at worst guilty of judgment. Ouch. Forgive me, Lord.
The Scripture for today is 1 Peter 2:-3 –
1Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. 2Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, 3now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.
I have to be honest. This morning, I was out. I was done with the Ring. I was convinced that, after 3 years, if I still have not formed any type of meaningful relationship with more than 5 people that I see EVERY Sunday, then really, who am I kidding? If I am supposed to be at the Ring, then these relationships would have formed already, at least to some degree, right? Katie is one of those who hurts when you hurt, and we were both in tears. Lately, I wake up every morning, questioning everything, stressed beyond belief and to the point of total breakdown. In Him is peace, outside of Him is chaos. I AM chaos and I MUST find a way out. He is the Way out. I just can’t seem to find the Door.
Even as I type these words, my Spirit just bowed up, battling in the spiritual realm for this ministry – for my friend. The duality is unexpected, but real none-the-less.
This forces me to think that my Spiritual and logical lives are out of whack. I’ve been in constant battle for weeks, even knowing that those I battle for are not aware of it and the part of me that craves recognition will never be satisfied. That’s perfectly consistent with the way I know Him to work – the Type A warrior with a need for recognition is gifted in a way that is hardly ever recognized. I wear myself to the bone, Spiritually-speaking, for people who will never know it, and I have to be content with knowing that He sees it – that this gift of intercession is not for me - and in fact, requires much more of me than anticipated. It requires a selflessness that is not mine. It requires discernment that is not mine. It requires immediate obedience that only comes from hearing His voice... and it requires a boldness that can be miscontrued as intimidating. He's working in me, bringing that boldness He created under His authority and submission. When that happens, this "intimidation" issue will be no more. Praise the Lord!
I hear His voice this night. It is done. The Ring Community Church is going to launch tomorrow - the battle has been well-fought by all. It’s a done deal. Victory is His, and all is well with my soul.
Currently, I’m in the midst of a battle – a battle for someone else instead of battling myself – exactly where I’m supposed to be, and I will keep fighting as long as He keeps calling me to do so. Occasionally, I ask Him to fight for me. It’s nice to sit back and watch Him fight, every now and then. But I can’t stand it for long – I have to jump back in with Him – it’s my job, it’s my gift, it’s my calling, it’s my role in the Body… and it’s my joy. It's who I am in Christ.
Psalm 45:3-4 - 3 Gird your sword upon your side, O mighty one;
clothe yourself with splendor and majesty.
4 In your majesty ride forth victoriously
in behalf of truth, humility and righteousness;
let your right hand display awesome deeds.
John 16:33 - 33"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Revelation 17:14 - "...14They will make war against the Lamb, but the Lamb will overcome them because he is Lord of lords and King of kings—and with him will be his called, chosen and faithful followers."
It was my stance that if people see me as intimidating, then I cannot possibly be the leader that I believe in my heart that I am called to be. Katie, being the encouraging one in this household, pointed out several lives and several situations where people see me or have come to me in a “leader” capacity. True enough, so why is this such an ongoing struggle?
We also talked about leaders that we know, and discussed the qualities that make them leaders. She made the observation that Josh NEVER says anything negative about anyone. You’ll never hear him tear someone down. He builds people up by saying good things about them to others. This gains the respect of the one being spoken to, and the one being spoken about. There’s something very encouraging and reassuring to our hearts when we hear that someone has spoken kindly of us – especially when that person is someone whom we hold in high regard.
That was a very challenging and convicting observation. Not to say that I stand around bashing people – far from it – but even the occasional indulging of an unkind observation makes me at best malicious, and at worst guilty of judgment. Ouch. Forgive me, Lord.
The Scripture for today is 1 Peter 2:-3 –
1Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. 2Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, 3now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.
I have to be honest. This morning, I was out. I was done with the Ring. I was convinced that, after 3 years, if I still have not formed any type of meaningful relationship with more than 5 people that I see EVERY Sunday, then really, who am I kidding? If I am supposed to be at the Ring, then these relationships would have formed already, at least to some degree, right? Katie is one of those who hurts when you hurt, and we were both in tears. Lately, I wake up every morning, questioning everything, stressed beyond belief and to the point of total breakdown. In Him is peace, outside of Him is chaos. I AM chaos and I MUST find a way out. He is the Way out. I just can’t seem to find the Door.
Even as I type these words, my Spirit just bowed up, battling in the spiritual realm for this ministry – for my friend. The duality is unexpected, but real none-the-less.
This forces me to think that my Spiritual and logical lives are out of whack. I’ve been in constant battle for weeks, even knowing that those I battle for are not aware of it and the part of me that craves recognition will never be satisfied. That’s perfectly consistent with the way I know Him to work – the Type A warrior with a need for recognition is gifted in a way that is hardly ever recognized. I wear myself to the bone, Spiritually-speaking, for people who will never know it, and I have to be content with knowing that He sees it – that this gift of intercession is not for me - and in fact, requires much more of me than anticipated. It requires a selflessness that is not mine. It requires discernment that is not mine. It requires immediate obedience that only comes from hearing His voice... and it requires a boldness that can be miscontrued as intimidating. He's working in me, bringing that boldness He created under His authority and submission. When that happens, this "intimidation" issue will be no more. Praise the Lord!
I hear His voice this night. It is done. The Ring Community Church is going to launch tomorrow - the battle has been well-fought by all. It’s a done deal. Victory is His, and all is well with my soul.
Currently, I’m in the midst of a battle – a battle for someone else instead of battling myself – exactly where I’m supposed to be, and I will keep fighting as long as He keeps calling me to do so. Occasionally, I ask Him to fight for me. It’s nice to sit back and watch Him fight, every now and then. But I can’t stand it for long – I have to jump back in with Him – it’s my job, it’s my gift, it’s my calling, it’s my role in the Body… and it’s my joy. It's who I am in Christ.
Psalm 45:3-4 - 3 Gird your sword upon your side, O mighty one;
clothe yourself with splendor and majesty.
4 In your majesty ride forth victoriously
in behalf of truth, humility and righteousness;
let your right hand display awesome deeds.
John 16:33 - 33"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Revelation 17:14 - "...14They will make war against the Lamb, but the Lamb will overcome them because he is Lord of lords and King of kings—and with him will be his called, chosen and faithful followers."
2.10.2006
day 2 - pivotal
THIS IS FOR POSTERITY, FOLKS, SO IF YOU WERE THERE, PLEASE ADD YOUR MEMORIES AND YOUR EXPERIENCE - I WANT TO BE ABLE TO LOOK BACK AND HAVE A COLLECTIVE MEMORY OF THIS NIGHT. PLEASE...
I just lost my entire post – boo on Blogger gnomes… oh, and day 9 is gone, too. What’s up with that?
Tonight begins the launch weekend. We have a whole weekend planned together as a community, beginning with the night of prayer. Tomorrow, we’ll go play in the park, developing and fostering relationships that our community is founded upon, and Sunday will be the genesis – the beginning – of the Ring Community Church. Last Sunday was the last time we met as a college ministry, although it has never been that to me, so better stated, last weekend was the last time we met as the Ring. I feel like there should be a moment of silence and reflection, please…
…
Ok, onto the current happenings. We met tonight as a family, to pray together for this baby church. We prayed using an idea of a three-sided triangle (as opposed to a four-sided triangle, josh…) where we prayed upward, inward and outward.
We began by praying upward. We spread out, praying individually to Him, declaring His righteousness, holiness, majesty, faithfulness, grace, sovereignty, love, worthiness, and His goodness. I felt Him smiling.
We then prayed inward, focusing on the Body of Christ that makes up the Ring. We split up into groups of three to talk about what’s on our hearts, what’s happening in our lives and community groups. My group talked about fear, attacks on identity, our need for wisdom, discernment, grace, and our heart for everyone who walks through our doors to know that they are welcome and loved. We prayed together, and looking around, to see so many people in serious prayer for one another was incredible. I sensed His smile teasing outward…
We prayed outward, together as a group. The prayers came from all around, people speaking from their hearts about groups of people they are burdened for. There were prayers for the apathetic, the ostracized, the children, the wronged, the over-churched, the ones who have hurt us, the homeless, those struggling with addictions, for diversity… My heart began to hesitate as demographic after demographic was listed. I don’t want to be a church concerned with demographics. I don’t want to be a church that measures our “success” in numbers. I’m not saying that that is an accurate reflection of the hearts – like we were just listing every people group known to man – I’m just saying that my heart hesitated. I want to be a church where we are allowed to take place in His passionate pursuit of His people – redeemed and unredeemed.
Josh closed us out by praying almost word for word what I was thinking. He has already begun to align our hearts – to knit them together into the community of believers that He purposed us to be. I sensed His grin from ear to ear…
Afterwards, Josh pointed out the importance of this night – it is a pivotal point in the life of this church. We were allowed to be part of the group that will say, “Hey, remember when we prayed for that the Friday before launch?”
We have lain this at His feet. We get to watch and wait, hearts ready and willing when He says, “Go.” Which leads me to the Scripture for the day – Matthew 28:18-20 –
18Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
I just lost my entire post – boo on Blogger gnomes… oh, and day 9 is gone, too. What’s up with that?
Tonight begins the launch weekend. We have a whole weekend planned together as a community, beginning with the night of prayer. Tomorrow, we’ll go play in the park, developing and fostering relationships that our community is founded upon, and Sunday will be the genesis – the beginning – of the Ring Community Church. Last Sunday was the last time we met as a college ministry, although it has never been that to me, so better stated, last weekend was the last time we met as the Ring. I feel like there should be a moment of silence and reflection, please…
…
Ok, onto the current happenings. We met tonight as a family, to pray together for this baby church. We prayed using an idea of a three-sided triangle (as opposed to a four-sided triangle, josh…) where we prayed upward, inward and outward.
We began by praying upward. We spread out, praying individually to Him, declaring His righteousness, holiness, majesty, faithfulness, grace, sovereignty, love, worthiness, and His goodness. I felt Him smiling.
We then prayed inward, focusing on the Body of Christ that makes up the Ring. We split up into groups of three to talk about what’s on our hearts, what’s happening in our lives and community groups. My group talked about fear, attacks on identity, our need for wisdom, discernment, grace, and our heart for everyone who walks through our doors to know that they are welcome and loved. We prayed together, and looking around, to see so many people in serious prayer for one another was incredible. I sensed His smile teasing outward…
We prayed outward, together as a group. The prayers came from all around, people speaking from their hearts about groups of people they are burdened for. There were prayers for the apathetic, the ostracized, the children, the wronged, the over-churched, the ones who have hurt us, the homeless, those struggling with addictions, for diversity… My heart began to hesitate as demographic after demographic was listed. I don’t want to be a church concerned with demographics. I don’t want to be a church that measures our “success” in numbers. I’m not saying that that is an accurate reflection of the hearts – like we were just listing every people group known to man – I’m just saying that my heart hesitated. I want to be a church where we are allowed to take place in His passionate pursuit of His people – redeemed and unredeemed.
Josh closed us out by praying almost word for word what I was thinking. He has already begun to align our hearts – to knit them together into the community of believers that He purposed us to be. I sensed His grin from ear to ear…
Afterwards, Josh pointed out the importance of this night – it is a pivotal point in the life of this church. We were allowed to be part of the group that will say, “Hey, remember when we prayed for that the Friday before launch?”
We have lain this at His feet. We get to watch and wait, hearts ready and willing when He says, “Go.” Which leads me to the Scripture for the day – Matthew 28:18-20 –
18Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
2.09.2006
day 3 - love
I heard from an old friend tonight. It was one of those things that just happened to work out. My dinner plans got mixed up and I ended up coming home, looking for something to eat, and wondering how I was going to spend this un-expectedly free evening. Katie and Allison were watching something on TV that I had no interest in, so I had just begun to wonder if I was actually going to see my bed before midnight for the first time in who knows how long, when my phone rang.
Jared is one of those friends that I rarely see – I think sometime last spring was the last time I laid eyes on him. We emailed briefly after Katrina – more of an “ok, you’re still alive – let me know if you need anything” running catch up, and then a voicemail around Christmas, then nothing until tonight. I think we’re averaging talking/emailing/speaking – some form of communication – twice a year or so.
He’s definitely one of my favorite people, and attained that status almost from the moment we met. He is a rare person, indeed. He is completely devoid of judgment. He’s completely real, completely authentic, kind, giving, honest and absolutely the most emotionally-balanced person I have the privilege to know. My filters never even think about coming on around him – I am more completely me around him than anyone else in my life. I can talk to him about anything, effortlessly. He’s the first person I’ve been able to talk to about moving in weeks – which was a blessing.
He is exactly who the western Church is trying to be… and to my knowledge does not even attend church on a regular basis. He reaches into the lives around him and lives out Christ in their lives in a way that most Christians wish they could, at least on a consistent basis. And I can just about guarantee that the Lord hardly ever comes up – at least in conversation.
He reminds me of Grissom, the main character from CSI. Grissom is a self-proclaimed agnostic (do not read here that I am saying Jared is agnostic) who is told by one of the family members of a victim that he is doing God’s work, whether he knows or admits it. Jared is a lot like that in the sense that he is not overtly “Christian” or “religious” or “spiritual”. He just lives his life in such a way that imitates Christ in many ways without doing so intentionally or overtly.
At the risk of sounding like I’m putting Jared on a pedestal, he really is an amazing person. He has character, integrity, stability, genuine kindness and gentleness, intelligence that will make your head spin, and a humility that is just part of who he is. He is in no way contrived, and that is so refreshing. He has a genuine interest in people and one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever seen. He also works harder than anyone I know. When I say work, I mean he works for days on end, with little to no sleep – constantly striving toward his goal – which, by the way, is a doctorate from LSU.
So, I’ve probably sung his praises ad nauseam. But, surely you’ve figured out by now that this is going somewhere… The Scripture for today is 1 Corinthians 13:
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Jared’s life epitomizes love. Not the giddy, topsy-turvy romantic “love” as some understand love to be. Jared’s life is the epitome of Christ’s love. I said earlier in this post that he is exactly who the western Church is trying to be. He does not imitate love – he just loves. I don’t know any other way to say it.
Jared is one of those friends that I rarely see – I think sometime last spring was the last time I laid eyes on him. We emailed briefly after Katrina – more of an “ok, you’re still alive – let me know if you need anything” running catch up, and then a voicemail around Christmas, then nothing until tonight. I think we’re averaging talking/emailing/speaking – some form of communication – twice a year or so.
He’s definitely one of my favorite people, and attained that status almost from the moment we met. He is a rare person, indeed. He is completely devoid of judgment. He’s completely real, completely authentic, kind, giving, honest and absolutely the most emotionally-balanced person I have the privilege to know. My filters never even think about coming on around him – I am more completely me around him than anyone else in my life. I can talk to him about anything, effortlessly. He’s the first person I’ve been able to talk to about moving in weeks – which was a blessing.
He is exactly who the western Church is trying to be… and to my knowledge does not even attend church on a regular basis. He reaches into the lives around him and lives out Christ in their lives in a way that most Christians wish they could, at least on a consistent basis. And I can just about guarantee that the Lord hardly ever comes up – at least in conversation.
He reminds me of Grissom, the main character from CSI. Grissom is a self-proclaimed agnostic (do not read here that I am saying Jared is agnostic) who is told by one of the family members of a victim that he is doing God’s work, whether he knows or admits it. Jared is a lot like that in the sense that he is not overtly “Christian” or “religious” or “spiritual”. He just lives his life in such a way that imitates Christ in many ways without doing so intentionally or overtly.
At the risk of sounding like I’m putting Jared on a pedestal, he really is an amazing person. He has character, integrity, stability, genuine kindness and gentleness, intelligence that will make your head spin, and a humility that is just part of who he is. He is in no way contrived, and that is so refreshing. He has a genuine interest in people and one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever seen. He also works harder than anyone I know. When I say work, I mean he works for days on end, with little to no sleep – constantly striving toward his goal – which, by the way, is a doctorate from LSU.
So, I’ve probably sung his praises ad nauseam. But, surely you’ve figured out by now that this is going somewhere… The Scripture for today is 1 Corinthians 13:
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Jared’s life epitomizes love. Not the giddy, topsy-turvy romantic “love” as some understand love to be. Jared’s life is the epitome of Christ’s love. I said earlier in this post that he is exactly who the western Church is trying to be. He does not imitate love – he just loves. I don’t know any other way to say it.
2.08.2006
day 4 - fear
I don’t know if there will be a “day 4 – intimidation – part 2”. I suppose that if it keeps coming up, which it does, that there is something there that requires my attention. But tonight, my heart is rejoicing in His faithfulness in the lives of my friends, not only for them, but for the affirmation and encouragement that it brings to me.
He is faithful to answer. The same God that is answering and guiding them is going to answer and guide me, too. He is in control, and I can’t mess up His plan. That is reassurance beyond measure. My hang up, honestly, is that I don’t want to detour at all, ever again. That fear is what’s been crippling me, and it’s a faithless fear.
There – I said it. I’m afraid. I’m scared shitless. (Yes, I just cussed in a post about God – hey, what do you know? No lightening…) My fears run very deep and He’s slowing bringing them out into His light.
The Scripture for today is 1 Timothy 6:6-10, but I’m including through verse 21, because this is what He’s talking to me about tonight:
6But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. 9People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. 10For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. 11But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. 12Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 13In the sight of God, who gives life to everything, and of Christ Jesus, who while testifying before Pontius Pilate made the good confession, I charge you 14to keep this command without spot or blame until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, 15which God will bring about in his own time—God, the blessed and only Ruler, the King of kings and Lord of lords, 16who alone is immortal and who lives in unapproachable light, whom no one has seen or can see. To him be honor and might forever. Amen.
17Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. 18Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. 19In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.
20Timothy, guard what has been entrusted to your care. Turn away from godless chatter and the opposing ideas of what is falsely called knowledge, 21which some have professed and in so doing have wandered from the faith. Grace be with you.
“so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.” There are many challenging and convicting truths in the verses above, but this one sums it up for me. Fear is not life. Fear is a crippling lie. No matter what the outcome of this current jaunt with the Lord, He is faithful, He is good, His will is His best for me, and what is best for me.
Lord, may it be so. I want to truly live in Your glorious presense, every minute of every day. I want to be overwhelmed by You constantly. I want to stay in step with Your Spirit and in tune with the sound of Your voice, singing songs of love and joy in my soul. MAY IT BE SO!
He is faithful to answer. The same God that is answering and guiding them is going to answer and guide me, too. He is in control, and I can’t mess up His plan. That is reassurance beyond measure. My hang up, honestly, is that I don’t want to detour at all, ever again. That fear is what’s been crippling me, and it’s a faithless fear.
There – I said it. I’m afraid. I’m scared shitless. (Yes, I just cussed in a post about God – hey, what do you know? No lightening…) My fears run very deep and He’s slowing bringing them out into His light.
The Scripture for today is 1 Timothy 6:6-10, but I’m including through verse 21, because this is what He’s talking to me about tonight:
6But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. 9People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. 10For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. 11But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. 12Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 13In the sight of God, who gives life to everything, and of Christ Jesus, who while testifying before Pontius Pilate made the good confession, I charge you 14to keep this command without spot or blame until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, 15which God will bring about in his own time—God, the blessed and only Ruler, the King of kings and Lord of lords, 16who alone is immortal and who lives in unapproachable light, whom no one has seen or can see. To him be honor and might forever. Amen.
17Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. 18Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. 19In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.
20Timothy, guard what has been entrusted to your care. Turn away from godless chatter and the opposing ideas of what is falsely called knowledge, 21which some have professed and in so doing have wandered from the faith. Grace be with you.
“so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life.” There are many challenging and convicting truths in the verses above, but this one sums it up for me. Fear is not life. Fear is a crippling lie. No matter what the outcome of this current jaunt with the Lord, He is faithful, He is good, His will is His best for me, and what is best for me.
Lord, may it be so. I want to truly live in Your glorious presense, every minute of every day. I want to be overwhelmed by You constantly. I want to stay in step with Your Spirit and in tune with the sound of Your voice, singing songs of love and joy in my soul. MAY IT BE SO!
day 4 - intimidation - part 1
As this observation continues to rear it’s ugly head, it’s interesting to note the various camps that people are falling into:
First, there is the “Everyone else is wrong – you are perfectly wonderful” camp – this is woefully small.
Then there is the “The Lord is trying to show you something” camp.
This can be subdivided into 2 smaller camps:
The “I love you and am supporting you no matter what” camp
The “I am backing off and letting you figure this out on your own” camp
There is also the “You scare the hell out of me” camp – this one is bigger than I realized.
Then there is the ever-popular “Ann is strong enough to figure this out on her own, and she’s a little prickly right now, so I’m leaving her alone to figure this one out” camp – this is my favorite, and apparently where most people are camping out these days.
All of this is perfectly ridiculous. Or so I’ve been telling myself for years… apparently there’s more to it than I thought, so let’s dive into it to see what He wants to show me.
in·tim·i·dat·ed, in·tim·i·dat·ing, in·tim·i·dates
These verbs all mean to frighten into submission, compliance, or acquiescence. Intimidate implies the presence or operation of a fear-inspiring force: “It [atomic energy] may intimidate the human race into bringing order into its international affairs” (Albert Einstein). Browbeat suggests the persistent application of highhanded, disdainful, or imperious tactics: browbeating a witness. Bulldoze connotes the leveling of all spirit of opposition: was bulldozed into hiring an unacceptable candidate. Cow implies bringing out an abject state of timorousness and often demoralization: a dog that was cowed by abuse. To bully is to intimidate through blustering, domineering, or threatening behavior: workers who were bullied into accepting a poor contract. Bludgeon suggests the use of grossly aggressive or combative methods: had to be bludgeoned into fulfilling his duties.
Source - http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=intimidation
It seems there is a problem here. A huge one.
First, there is the “Everyone else is wrong – you are perfectly wonderful” camp – this is woefully small.
Then there is the “The Lord is trying to show you something” camp.
This can be subdivided into 2 smaller camps:
The “I love you and am supporting you no matter what” camp
The “I am backing off and letting you figure this out on your own” camp
There is also the “You scare the hell out of me” camp – this one is bigger than I realized.
Then there is the ever-popular “Ann is strong enough to figure this out on her own, and she’s a little prickly right now, so I’m leaving her alone to figure this one out” camp – this is my favorite, and apparently where most people are camping out these days.
All of this is perfectly ridiculous. Or so I’ve been telling myself for years… apparently there’s more to it than I thought, so let’s dive into it to see what He wants to show me.
in·tim·i·dat·ed, in·tim·i·dat·ing, in·tim·i·dates
- To make timid; fill with fear.
- To coerce or inhibit by or as if by threats.
These verbs all mean to frighten into submission, compliance, or acquiescence. Intimidate implies the presence or operation of a fear-inspiring force: “It [atomic energy] may intimidate the human race into bringing order into its international affairs” (Albert Einstein). Browbeat suggests the persistent application of highhanded, disdainful, or imperious tactics: browbeating a witness. Bulldoze connotes the leveling of all spirit of opposition: was bulldozed into hiring an unacceptable candidate. Cow implies bringing out an abject state of timorousness and often demoralization: a dog that was cowed by abuse. To bully is to intimidate through blustering, domineering, or threatening behavior: workers who were bullied into accepting a poor contract. Bludgeon suggests the use of grossly aggressive or combative methods: had to be bludgeoned into fulfilling his duties.
Source - http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=intimidation
It seems there is a problem here. A huge one.
2.07.2006
day 5 - praise
As expected, on a day when we, as the Ring, are praying as a Body against the enemy of God – specifically his attacks on our identity, he ramps it WAY up. I read the Scripture and devotional for today and my Spirit prepared for battle:
Luke 4:1-13 - 1Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the desert, 2where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry.
3The devil said to him, "If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread."
4Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone.'[a]"
5The devil led him up to a high place and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world. 6And he said to him, "I will give you all their authority and splendor, for it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to. 7So if you worship me, it will all be yours."
8Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.'[b]"
9The devil led him to Jerusalem and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. "If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down from here. 10For it is written: " 'He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully; 11they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'[c]"
12Jesus answered, "It says: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'[d]"
13When the devil had finished all this tempting, he left him until an opportune time.
The devotional from the 30 days: if you are who you say you are… prove it. that is essentially what satan is telling Jesus, and it is a blatant attack on his identity. but Jesus knew his identity, and knew that he did not have to prove it. our identity is attacked by satan as well. one reason satan attacks us in this area is because we don’t have a solid biblical understanding of who we are in Christ. when we are unsure, satan comes in and feeds us lies… which we sometimes believe. then we are confused, frustrated, and discouraged, unable to pray, minister, and worship. but God has set our identity firmly in place, and we have a way to fight this battle. Jesus quoted scripture in the face of temptation. God has given us many scriptures related to our identity. when satan attacks in this area, fight by quoting truth.
The Truth:
Galatians 5:24-25 - 24Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 5:17 - 17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
Ezekiel 36:26 - 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
Colossians 2:13-14 - 13When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature,[b] God made you[c] alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, 14having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross.
Romans 8:1-2 - 1Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,[a] 2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
Jeremiah 24:7 - 7 I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart.
2 Peter 1:3 - 3His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.
1 Peter 2:9 - 9But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
My intention here is not to rip off Josh, but rather to have the Truth in front of me, written down right in front of my eyes, so that as I process all that happened today, His Word can continue to minister to and strengthen me. Not to make a big deal out of it, but today is my birthday. It’s meant to be a light-hearted day full of love and well-wishes (even flowers!) from loved ones. So, I’m armed to the teeth, ready to enjoy this day and stop to moaning - ready just to glorify Him.
As the day unfolded, I definitely figured out why my Spirit bowed up this morning. The enemy has had a great deal of success in attacking my identity. Too old, too strong, too aggressive, too abrasive, too intimidating (I mean, really…), too unapproachable… whew.
I was definitely told, in 2 separate conversations today with my boss and my mom, that I am intimidating and unapproachable. Yay flaming arrows reigning down…
I will pray tonight as I did the other day – Father, my heart is willing. I raise my shield high against the flaming arrows of the enemy aimed at the Ring, and I turn and offer them to you with praise on my lips. I know who I am. I am Yours.
Luke 4:1-13 - 1Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the desert, 2where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry.
3The devil said to him, "If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread."
4Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone.'[a]"
5The devil led him up to a high place and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world. 6And he said to him, "I will give you all their authority and splendor, for it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to. 7So if you worship me, it will all be yours."
8Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.'[b]"
9The devil led him to Jerusalem and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. "If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down from here. 10For it is written: " 'He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully; 11they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'[c]"
12Jesus answered, "It says: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'[d]"
13When the devil had finished all this tempting, he left him until an opportune time.
The devotional from the 30 days: if you are who you say you are… prove it. that is essentially what satan is telling Jesus, and it is a blatant attack on his identity. but Jesus knew his identity, and knew that he did not have to prove it. our identity is attacked by satan as well. one reason satan attacks us in this area is because we don’t have a solid biblical understanding of who we are in Christ. when we are unsure, satan comes in and feeds us lies… which we sometimes believe. then we are confused, frustrated, and discouraged, unable to pray, minister, and worship. but God has set our identity firmly in place, and we have a way to fight this battle. Jesus quoted scripture in the face of temptation. God has given us many scriptures related to our identity. when satan attacks in this area, fight by quoting truth.
The Truth:
Galatians 5:24-25 - 24Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 5:17 - 17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
Ezekiel 36:26 - 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.
Colossians 2:13-14 - 13When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature,[b] God made you[c] alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, 14having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross.
Romans 8:1-2 - 1Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,[a] 2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
Jeremiah 24:7 - 7 I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart.
2 Peter 1:3 - 3His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.
1 Peter 2:9 - 9But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.
My intention here is not to rip off Josh, but rather to have the Truth in front of me, written down right in front of my eyes, so that as I process all that happened today, His Word can continue to minister to and strengthen me. Not to make a big deal out of it, but today is my birthday. It’s meant to be a light-hearted day full of love and well-wishes (even flowers!) from loved ones. So, I’m armed to the teeth, ready to enjoy this day and stop to moaning - ready just to glorify Him.
As the day unfolded, I definitely figured out why my Spirit bowed up this morning. The enemy has had a great deal of success in attacking my identity. Too old, too strong, too aggressive, too abrasive, too intimidating (I mean, really…), too unapproachable… whew.
I was definitely told, in 2 separate conversations today with my boss and my mom, that I am intimidating and unapproachable. Yay flaming arrows reigning down…
I will pray tonight as I did the other day – Father, my heart is willing. I raise my shield high against the flaming arrows of the enemy aimed at the Ring, and I turn and offer them to you with praise on my lips. I know who I am. I am Yours.
2.06.2006
day 6 - FAITH
One of the last sermons that the former pastor at PBC gave was about keeping our eyes on Jesus, especially in the midst of turmoil. Neither looking at other people to see what you’re doing better than they, nor looking at them with envy, wishing you had their talents or Spiritual giftings. The Lord called that to mind this morning while I was walking the dog. I mulled that over, frustrated that I am seeking Him out yet He’s telling me to keep my eyes on Him. I’ve been more consistently in His Word in these past 24 days than in a long while. He pointed me back to His Word, to the Truth to be found there. First, there was the Scripture for today, Proverbs 27:17 – As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Hmmm…
I’ve had several relational skirmishes lately, where it feels more like iron piercing than sharpening. Wasn’t sure where He was going with that one, but being the persistent child that I am, He led me to another verse, this time through someone I’ve known longer than anyone else in this world, other than my family. Jason turned up to comment on my post from yesterday with a verse from James 1:12 - Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. Hmmm…
My roommate sent me a verse today, too. Psalm 108 –
My heart is steadfast, O God;
I will sing and make music with all my soul.
2 Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.
3 I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.
4 For great is your love, higher than the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
5 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens,
and let your glory be over all the earth.
6 Save us and help us with your right hand,
that those you love may be delivered.
Hmmm…
At Bible study tonight, I twice found myself in 1 Peter. First in chapter 3, verses 3-6 – Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. Huh???
Then 1:5-9 - who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. Hmmm…
Finally, Hebrews 5:11-14 - We have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because you are slow to learn. 12In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! 13Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. 14But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.
I’ve been all over His Word today, and the consistent theme is persistent, patient, suffering, refining, sharpening, maturing FAITH.
I think He’s grown weary of my moaning. I’m in a wait. I need to accept that and do my best to represent Him well while I’m here. As Beth Moore said in Bible study tonight, “The bigger the promise, the longer the wait… character is at stake.”
I’ve had several relational skirmishes lately, where it feels more like iron piercing than sharpening. Wasn’t sure where He was going with that one, but being the persistent child that I am, He led me to another verse, this time through someone I’ve known longer than anyone else in this world, other than my family. Jason turned up to comment on my post from yesterday with a verse from James 1:12 - Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. Hmmm…
My roommate sent me a verse today, too. Psalm 108 –
My heart is steadfast, O God;
I will sing and make music with all my soul.
2 Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.
3 I will praise you, O LORD, among the nations;
I will sing of you among the peoples.
4 For great is your love, higher than the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches to the skies.
5 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens,
and let your glory be over all the earth.
6 Save us and help us with your right hand,
that those you love may be delivered.
Hmmm…
At Bible study tonight, I twice found myself in 1 Peter. First in chapter 3, verses 3-6 – Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear. Huh???
Then 1:5-9 - who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. Hmmm…
Finally, Hebrews 5:11-14 - We have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because you are slow to learn. 12In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! 13Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. 14But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.
I’ve been all over His Word today, and the consistent theme is persistent, patient, suffering, refining, sharpening, maturing FAITH.
I think He’s grown weary of my moaning. I’m in a wait. I need to accept that and do my best to represent Him well while I’m here. As Beth Moore said in Bible study tonight, “The bigger the promise, the longer the wait… character is at stake.”
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