[i first heard this song at captivating. it pierces me... these words have the power to strip me bare, reminded of how far we've fallen from our original glory. He's used this song to keep me focused on Him - on what He's up to in my heart and in my life. it's fitting to end this year with a song that brings me close to His heart... where i belong.]
i'm at a loss for words
there's nothing to say
i sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
how did my heart become so lifeless, so cold
where did the passion go?
when all my efforts seem like chasing the wind
i've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
i've lost the feeling and i'm down to the core
i can't fake it anymore
here i am
at the end
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
what i've lost to the world
what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again
again
You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
make something beautiful
out of all this suffering
here i am
once again
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
what i've lost to the world
what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again
again
You have a way of turning winter to spring
make something beautiful
out of all this suffering
here i am
once again
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
here i am
once again
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can raise me from the dead
what i've lost to the world
what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again
again
i need...
-- resurrection by nicol sponberg
12.31.2007
12.24.2007
defiance
it seems as though this year, my life has been one of defiance. defiance for God, not from Him. i've spent my life either ignoring God, running away from Him, or more recently, running toward Him. in learning to run toward God, i've learned also what that decision, that way of life, costs those who choose it. for it is a choice.
i've chosen to defy religion. i've chosen to defy what's expected of me by the world and by the church. i've chosen His way. i've chosen Life.
that choice has cost me.
it's cost friendships. it's cost respect in the eyes of others. it's cost community. it's cost me, well... me.
living fully alive - or trying to get there and stay there - is not a la-dee-da kind of life... although it is truly the only way to really live. there are times of deep despair, and times of unspeakable joy. there is pain and sorrow. and there is adventure - heart-thudding moments of being stretched beyond already crazy limits i've set for myself. it's exhausting, this living.
but it's worth it.
that's not written lightly. it really is worth it. i'm fully cognizant of how easy it would be to give up - to settle for a life of mediocrity and death, for surely my heart would die were i to give up. i know this, and that knowledge propels me forward when it would be so much easier to just give in.
i wrote earlier this year that i intend to live my life out of bounds. and so i have. and it's been glorious. i've never traveled more extensively, loved more ferociously, hurt more significantly, been more lonely, or lived more intentionally.
were i to choose to live a "normal" christian life, i would be a blip on the radar rather than the saddle burr i've become. my life challenges those who see it, or glimpses of it, really. my heart and my life have been most correctly described as renegade. i've also been described as a bulldog. a slight nuance, but a significant one. in the times when the pain of that particular observation subsides a bit, i wonder about the state of the hearts of the observers, that they would see and interpret my heart so incredibly differently.
so again i choose Jesus. and i accept the consequences of that decision. i accept the misunderstanding, the fear, the downright dislike... and through the very human reaction of pain and isolation, my spirit rejoices that perhaps the box, if not shredded, has grown just a little. what box? the box that we've put God into. my spirit rejoices that the misunderstanding of God's heart is questioned, if just briefly.
tonight, as most everyone i know sits in church - out of love or obligation or both - i sit here, alone with my thoughts and the desires of my heart. it throbs with wonder and glee at the cunning brilliance of our God, putting into motion a plan that will ultimately cost Him His life, in order to gain back ours. my heart beats in rebellion and sadness that this night has become about salvation. so easy to make it about that, right? i understand. so much easier to grasp the idea of "your sins are forgiven" than the idea of life restored and hearts renewed, and all that will require of us.
... and i can't help but think that He's grinning, too, heart beating in love and adoration and staggering vulnerability that we are beginning to understand. the lies of the enemy are being exposed. our mistrust in the heart of God is being proved false and unfounded... again. He proved it when He slipped into the world as a babe. He proved it through the example He set with His life. He proved it when He died. He proved it when He rose. He proved it when He ascended. He proved it when He sent His Spirit. and He's been proving it ever since.
amazing. my heart stumbles over the thought of the Holy One proving Himself to anyone or anything. that He continues to do so just staggers me. He continues to defy us, the enemy and the box we keep trying to put Him in. is it such a difficult thought to think that the God who lives a life of defiance calls us to live such a life, as well?
i've chosen to defy religion. i've chosen to defy what's expected of me by the world and by the church. i've chosen His way. i've chosen Life.
that choice has cost me.
it's cost friendships. it's cost respect in the eyes of others. it's cost community. it's cost me, well... me.
living fully alive - or trying to get there and stay there - is not a la-dee-da kind of life... although it is truly the only way to really live. there are times of deep despair, and times of unspeakable joy. there is pain and sorrow. and there is adventure - heart-thudding moments of being stretched beyond already crazy limits i've set for myself. it's exhausting, this living.
but it's worth it.
that's not written lightly. it really is worth it. i'm fully cognizant of how easy it would be to give up - to settle for a life of mediocrity and death, for surely my heart would die were i to give up. i know this, and that knowledge propels me forward when it would be so much easier to just give in.
i wrote earlier this year that i intend to live my life out of bounds. and so i have. and it's been glorious. i've never traveled more extensively, loved more ferociously, hurt more significantly, been more lonely, or lived more intentionally.
were i to choose to live a "normal" christian life, i would be a blip on the radar rather than the saddle burr i've become. my life challenges those who see it, or glimpses of it, really. my heart and my life have been most correctly described as renegade. i've also been described as a bulldog. a slight nuance, but a significant one. in the times when the pain of that particular observation subsides a bit, i wonder about the state of the hearts of the observers, that they would see and interpret my heart so incredibly differently.
so again i choose Jesus. and i accept the consequences of that decision. i accept the misunderstanding, the fear, the downright dislike... and through the very human reaction of pain and isolation, my spirit rejoices that perhaps the box, if not shredded, has grown just a little. what box? the box that we've put God into. my spirit rejoices that the misunderstanding of God's heart is questioned, if just briefly.
tonight, as most everyone i know sits in church - out of love or obligation or both - i sit here, alone with my thoughts and the desires of my heart. it throbs with wonder and glee at the cunning brilliance of our God, putting into motion a plan that will ultimately cost Him His life, in order to gain back ours. my heart beats in rebellion and sadness that this night has become about salvation. so easy to make it about that, right? i understand. so much easier to grasp the idea of "your sins are forgiven" than the idea of life restored and hearts renewed, and all that will require of us.
... and i can't help but think that He's grinning, too, heart beating in love and adoration and staggering vulnerability that we are beginning to understand. the lies of the enemy are being exposed. our mistrust in the heart of God is being proved false and unfounded... again. He proved it when He slipped into the world as a babe. He proved it through the example He set with His life. He proved it when He died. He proved it when He rose. He proved it when He ascended. He proved it when He sent His Spirit. and He's been proving it ever since.
amazing. my heart stumbles over the thought of the Holy One proving Himself to anyone or anything. that He continues to do so just staggers me. He continues to defy us, the enemy and the box we keep trying to put Him in. is it such a difficult thought to think that the God who lives a life of defiance calls us to live such a life, as well?
12.21.2007
mythic
allow me, then, to review what we have encountered. first, our lives are not a random series of events; they tell a Story that has meaning. we aren’t in a movie we’ve arrived at twenty minutes late; we are in a Sacred Romance. there really is something wonderful that draws our heart; we are being wooed. but there is also something fearful. we face an enemy with vile intentions. is anyone in charge? someone strong and kind who notices us? at some point we have all answered that question “no” and gone on to live in a smaller story. but the answer is “yes”—there is someone strong and kind who notices us. our Story is written by God, who is more than author, he is the romantic lead in our personal dramas. he created us for himself, and now he is moving heaven and earth to restore us to his side. his wooing seems wild because he seeks to free our heart from the attachments and addictions we’ve chosen, thanks to the Arrows we’ve known.
and we—who are we, really? we are not pond scum, nor are we the lead in the story. we are the Beloved; our hearts are the most important thing about us, and our desire is wild because it is made for a wild God. we are the Beloved, and we are addicted. we’ve either given our heart to other lovers and can’t get out of the relationships, or we’ve tried our best to kill desire (often with the help of others) and live lives of safe, orderly control. either way, we play into the hands of the one who hates us. satan is the mortal enemy of God and therefore ours as well, who comes with offers of less-wild lovers, hoping to deceive us in order to destroy our heart and thus prevent our salvation or cripple our sanctification. these are the stage, the characters, and the plot in the broadest possible terms. where do we go from here?
-- john eldredge (the sacred romance pp 147-148)
and we—who are we, really? we are not pond scum, nor are we the lead in the story. we are the Beloved; our hearts are the most important thing about us, and our desire is wild because it is made for a wild God. we are the Beloved, and we are addicted. we’ve either given our heart to other lovers and can’t get out of the relationships, or we’ve tried our best to kill desire (often with the help of others) and live lives of safe, orderly control. either way, we play into the hands of the one who hates us. satan is the mortal enemy of God and therefore ours as well, who comes with offers of less-wild lovers, hoping to deceive us in order to destroy our heart and thus prevent our salvation or cripple our sanctification. these are the stage, the characters, and the plot in the broadest possible terms. where do we go from here?
-- john eldredge (the sacred romance pp 147-148)
12.02.2007
Godhead
november 3, 2007. i was in jacksonville, visiting a friend and tending to my heart. hurricane noel had just brushed by, and we were on ponte vedra beach, looking for whatever had been uncovered or washed ashore by the wind and waves. i was looking at a small cliff created by severe beach erosion, looking backwards through time, exposed by the different layers of the collapse.
(this is the same beach i was... summoned to in the summer of 2006. it lies along the same body of water where my father was lost at sea some 16 years ago. He healed much in my heart that summer. this beach has become ours.)
as i tarried, i asked the Lord what He wanted to show me that day. He said, "I am faithful and true." i agreed with Him, praising Him that i know that to be true.
He said, "NO. I am Faithful and True." ahhh... got it. "yes, Lord, You are." and i got the sense that i was speaking to more than Jesus, my friend, or Jesus, my ally, or even Abba, my Father.
i felt prompted to look down and to the right, and i saw something old - very old... (as in 10,000 years old... a pleistocene-era upper right molar of a horse, as it turns out) i picked it up, and He said, "AND I am Ancient, as well."
to say i almost fell flat on my face is an understatement. my heart sang even as i trembled in the very real presence of the Holy of Holies - the Ancient of Days - the Most High God... the Godhead, three in one.
Faithful. True. Ancient.
Father. Son. Holy Spirit.
i am trembling, even now, as i type this a month later.
(this is the same beach i was... summoned to in the summer of 2006. it lies along the same body of water where my father was lost at sea some 16 years ago. He healed much in my heart that summer. this beach has become ours.)
as i tarried, i asked the Lord what He wanted to show me that day. He said, "I am faithful and true." i agreed with Him, praising Him that i know that to be true.
He said, "NO. I am Faithful and True." ahhh... got it. "yes, Lord, You are." and i got the sense that i was speaking to more than Jesus, my friend, or Jesus, my ally, or even Abba, my Father.
i felt prompted to look down and to the right, and i saw something old - very old... (as in 10,000 years old... a pleistocene-era upper right molar of a horse, as it turns out) i picked it up, and He said, "AND I am Ancient, as well."
to say i almost fell flat on my face is an understatement. my heart sang even as i trembled in the very real presence of the Holy of Holies - the Ancient of Days - the Most High God... the Godhead, three in one.
Faithful. True. Ancient.
Father. Son. Holy Spirit.
i am trembling, even now, as i type this a month later.
11.19.2007
rise
we are now far into this Epic that every great story points to. we have reached the moment where we, too, must find our courage and rise up to recover our hearts and fight for the hearts of others. the hour is late, and much time has been wasted. aslan is on the move; we must rally to him at the stone table. we must find geppetto lost at sea. we must ride hard, ride to minas tirith and join the last great battle for middle earth.
Jesus calls to you to be his intimate ally once more. there are great things to be done and great sacrifices to be made. you won’t lose heart if you know what’s really going on here, where this Story is headed and what your Lover has promised to you.
it is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. it is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. it is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name . . . that is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is that it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still. (telling the truth)
this is the gospel.
this is the Story we are living in.
may you play your part well.
-- john eldredge (epic, 103, 104)
Jesus calls to you to be his intimate ally once more. there are great things to be done and great sacrifices to be made. you won’t lose heart if you know what’s really going on here, where this Story is headed and what your Lover has promised to you.
it is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. it is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. it is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name . . . that is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is that it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still. (telling the truth)
this is the gospel.
this is the Story we are living in.
may you play your part well.
-- john eldredge (epic, 103, 104)
10.27.2007
10.17.2007
appearance
but the LORD said to samuel, "do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. the LORD does not look at the things man looks at. man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
-- 1 samuel 16:7 (niv)
i know many people - including myself - who love the Lord with all their hearts, who don't live as though this passage is a reflection of God's heart. funny how we find comfort for ourselves in this verse, but so consistently fail to extend that much-needed grace to others.
case in point - i have a friend who is a daughter of the King, strong and beautiful and courageous. however, she looks fragile and wounded. this is not what i see in her, nor is it what you should see.
similarly, when people look at me, they usually see varying degrees of strength and independence, coupled with hardness or ferocity that belies who i truly am.
looking through the eyes of Jesus... well, now that's a different perspective altogether. what we see on the outside is not an accurate reflection of one's heart, and therefore should not be what we consider to be most true about that person...
though seeing, they do not see;
though hearing, they do not hear or understand.
in them is fulfilled the prophecy of isaiah:
" 'you will be ever hearing but never understanding;
you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
for this people's heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.'
but blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear.
-- Jesus, as quoted by matthew in chapter 13, verses 13-16 (niv)
9.30.2007
most true
two things from tonight are reverberating in my heart - things He's shown me that i cannot forget. i will not forget these Truths about me, about you, that are most true about us.
yes, LORD... we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.
-- isaiah 26:8
God in my living
there in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping
God in my resting
there in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
God in my hoping
there in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
there in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
be my everything
-- everything, tim hughes
yes, LORD... we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.
-- isaiah 26:8
God in my living
there in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping
God in my resting
there in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
be my everything
God in my hoping
there in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
there in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
be my everything
-- everything, tim hughes
9.17.2007
9.13.2007
namaste
when paul writes, "i have been crucified with Christ and i no longer live, but Christ lives in me" (gal. 2:20), he meant it. over and over, the dying and the lepers would whisper the mystical word namaste in my ear. we really don't have a word like it in english (or even much of a western conception of it). they explained to me that namaste means, "i honor the Holy One who lives in you." i knew i could see God in their eyes. was it possible that i was becoming a Christian, that in my eyes they could catch a glimpse of the image of my Lover?
--shane claiborne, the irresistible revolution - living as an ordinary radical pp 79-80
i can't claim to have really experienced this on the level the author is describing here (he is writing about a time when he served in the home for the destitute and dying, a home started by mother teresa in calcutta, india), but i came close one day last week.
waiting for a light to change, a saw a homeless man on the side of the road, with a sign that said something to the effect of "on my way home. anything will help. God bless." as much as i hate to admit this, i normally do my best to avoid eye contact with homeless folks and beggars. there is a lot to that response - cynicism, helplessness, just plain hardness of heart sometimes... i know - very Christ-like, huh? this time was different.
first, let me say that i rarely have cash, and that i'm ALWAYS in a hurry - running late or just impatient with traffic. so i roll up to this light and see this guy and i kick into my normal response when Jesus steps in. if you know Him at all, you KNOW when He decides to show up in a situation. without hesitation, i rolled down my window while reaching for my wallet and catching his eye all at the same time. i've gotten a glimpse of what being in need is like over the past year or so. i know that i am just one step away from being out on the streets myself. so for once, i have a little cash - i have no idea how much - and He told me to give it to him. this stranger walks up to my window, his eyes old in the way that some people describe as "an old soul" - they were haggard and sagging... and beautiful. i handed him the cash saying, "this is all i have... God bless you." he takes it, and without counting it, puts it in his pocket. he says, "God bless you back" and our eyes locked... and i knew, i knew that i was looking into the eyes of Jesus.
i wanted to get out and pray with this guy. i wanted to tell him to get in, to bring him somewhere cool and out of the heat, get him some food and something cool to drink, and i wanted to bring him home. as these thoughts raced through my mind, the light changed and i had to go. immediately, i was lamenting the busy-ness of my life, wondering if i could pull over, go back, do something to spend some more time with this man. i was floored, angry, frustrated and torn, all at the same time.
and then, He spoke: whatever you do unto the least of these, you have done unto Me.
wow. my heart about burst. mind you, this all took place in the space of about 15 seconds. and in that moment, when He spoke to my heart, i knew that i didn't need to go back. i knew that He was already gone.
--shane claiborne, the irresistible revolution - living as an ordinary radical pp 79-80
i can't claim to have really experienced this on the level the author is describing here (he is writing about a time when he served in the home for the destitute and dying, a home started by mother teresa in calcutta, india), but i came close one day last week.
waiting for a light to change, a saw a homeless man on the side of the road, with a sign that said something to the effect of "on my way home. anything will help. God bless." as much as i hate to admit this, i normally do my best to avoid eye contact with homeless folks and beggars. there is a lot to that response - cynicism, helplessness, just plain hardness of heart sometimes... i know - very Christ-like, huh? this time was different.
first, let me say that i rarely have cash, and that i'm ALWAYS in a hurry - running late or just impatient with traffic. so i roll up to this light and see this guy and i kick into my normal response when Jesus steps in. if you know Him at all, you KNOW when He decides to show up in a situation. without hesitation, i rolled down my window while reaching for my wallet and catching his eye all at the same time. i've gotten a glimpse of what being in need is like over the past year or so. i know that i am just one step away from being out on the streets myself. so for once, i have a little cash - i have no idea how much - and He told me to give it to him. this stranger walks up to my window, his eyes old in the way that some people describe as "an old soul" - they were haggard and sagging... and beautiful. i handed him the cash saying, "this is all i have... God bless you." he takes it, and without counting it, puts it in his pocket. he says, "God bless you back" and our eyes locked... and i knew, i knew that i was looking into the eyes of Jesus.
i wanted to get out and pray with this guy. i wanted to tell him to get in, to bring him somewhere cool and out of the heat, get him some food and something cool to drink, and i wanted to bring him home. as these thoughts raced through my mind, the light changed and i had to go. immediately, i was lamenting the busy-ness of my life, wondering if i could pull over, go back, do something to spend some more time with this man. i was floored, angry, frustrated and torn, all at the same time.
and then, He spoke: whatever you do unto the least of these, you have done unto Me.
wow. my heart about burst. mind you, this all took place in the space of about 15 seconds. and in that moment, when He spoke to my heart, i knew that i didn't need to go back. i knew that He was already gone.
9.02.2007
8.26.2007
altar
sitting in church tonight, i realized the enormity of the change in my life cannot go unacknowledged. so, my thoughts go back to that fateful phone call last summer in the lab that started me on this present journey. tomorrow, i start a brand new era of my life. tonight, i remember the past, and offer both to Jesus, praising His name that my life has been forever altered. i offer these words as my altar to Him:
the sky is grey and the light is far
the sea is a rage within my heart
i turn my sight to the crashing waves
i cry in the night just to be saved
i need eyes to be my guide
i need a voice that’s louder than mine
i need hope
i need You
cause i can’t do this alone
grace i call Your name
oh won’t Your smile fall over me
i’m cracked and dry on hands and knees
oh sweet grace rain down on me
i need You grace
i pray for dawn a new day to live
i pray for mercy only Jesus gives
though darkness falls and a million cry
i believe over all there’s a greater light shining for us
come down and save me
-- grace, by phil wickham
the sky is grey and the light is far
the sea is a rage within my heart
i turn my sight to the crashing waves
i cry in the night just to be saved
i need eyes to be my guide
i need a voice that’s louder than mine
i need hope
i need You
cause i can’t do this alone
grace i call Your name
oh won’t Your smile fall over me
i’m cracked and dry on hands and knees
oh sweet grace rain down on me
i need You grace
i pray for dawn a new day to live
i pray for mercy only Jesus gives
though darkness falls and a million cry
i believe over all there’s a greater light shining for us
come down and save me
-- grace, by phil wickham
8.06.2007
fences
i learned a lesson this summer.
somewhere along the way, i've realized that this season is one of preparation - a time of transition - for the next. i've recognized that this present journey is from dot to dot, each one bringing me back to my heart, and ultimately, His heart.
i spent the spring and early summer months traveling. i do this every spring. it's vital to my heart, and a very intentional way of removing myself from all that is familiar and seeking Him. now, don't get me wrong - i am more fully alive when i am traveling with Him, allowing Him to show me things about myself that i have forgotten, but it's not all easy, or even fun. i spend a lot of that time in self-reflection, allowing Him to show me the many things about myself that need to be more fully His. some of it's ugly. really ugly. but some of it's not.
this may, i was in florida. we went for a quick trip over to crystal river. there is a manatee refuge there, and our intention was to visit the refuge, explore the river, and generally just do something different. we ended up kayaking out to a place on the river called three sisters. it's a natural spring - well, 3 of them. it's absolutely stunning. i'll put some pics up after i finish getting these thoughts out of my head and into written form...
i've never kayaked before... and it was hard work... and i loved it. the Lord got a lot of mileage out of those 2 days. He showed me the way He had fashioned my heart for His creation - or more correctly, for restoring what we've lost due to poor stewardship or just plain ignorance. (i began this thought process in steward but haven't really expounded on that line of thought yet...) He also showed me that i love the hard work and the solitude and the mystery of kayaking. sounds silly, i know, but surely you've figured out that this is going somewhere...
when i got home, to say i was restless is an absurd understatement. i was going crazy. one day, my nephew was here and i decided that young boys and incredibly restless aunts need to go out and live a little. so i went to the mighty web and lo and behold, there is a local kayak club, and surprise, surprise... they were having a "demo day" on the lsu lakes that very day. after a little arguing with myself, i decided to go for it. i grabbed my nephew and off we went. we got to the lakes, signed our lives away, picked out a couple of boats, and the next thing we knew, we were paddling around the lakes.
if you know anything about the lakes at all, you know that they are yuck. they are shallow, polluted and only God knows what's actually in them... but none of that mattered. we were off on an adventure, alive and loving it. we decided to look for a deep spot to jump in the water to cool off for a sec, heebie jeebies about the lakes and all. it was H-O-T hot. so we set out toward the center of the lake, checking the depth every so often with our paddles. we finally found a spot that was ~5 feet - deep enough to keep my feet off the nasty bottom - and in we went. i hooked my feet on my kayak and just floated, enjoying the pounding of my heart ( i really, really hate nasty, can't-see-anything water) and the joy in my nephew's eyes. we were cutting up, daring one another to go underwater, splashing each other, silly stuff like that. it was silly, and it was fun. and then...
"ma'am. is this your vessel?" "oh! well, hello! actually, no, it's not." "ma'am. i'm asking you to board your vessels immediately and follow me to shore." huh? crap. leave it to me to get escorted off the lakes... and in front of my nephew. not that i was embarrassed - not at all. but i was immediately aware that this was a teachable moment for my nephew. so i engaged our escort in conversation, joking about being escorted off the lake and banished from the water. by the time we reached the shore, we were buddies and he immediately showed me a different type of kayak, explained what was "in bounds" and off we went again, paddling around the lakes - with strict instructions to stay out of the water.
i've shared this story with several friends along and along. the response that still reverberates in my soul is this: "Enjoy your nephew and also finding ways to kayak out of bounds." the reason it's stuck with me is this - i have never lived my life "in bounds." i've ALWAYS lived "out of bounds" and i like it that way. and it applies across all areas of my life... especially spiritually.
so here's the lesson i learned. i'm not meant to live my life in bounds - and i'm not going to. i'm not going to get tied up in rules and supposed to's. i'm not. i refuse. i will live my life on His terms, not anyone else's. my favorite description of God is "dangerous, wild, unfettered and free." is that always comfortable? absolutely not. does it always look "right"? not a chance. am i going to encounter criticism? that's a given - usually from those who are running away from their heart, not toward it. that's ok. part of my assignment, if you will, is to live my life in such a way that demonstrates HIM. not HIM in a box. not HIM in a behavior modification class. will my life look scary and different to some? YES!!! and that's the whole point. i mean to live my life challenging Who we think we want Him to be, Who we believe He really is, and what we think He's really like.
i intend to live my life out of bounds.
somewhere along the way, i've realized that this season is one of preparation - a time of transition - for the next. i've recognized that this present journey is from dot to dot, each one bringing me back to my heart, and ultimately, His heart.
i spent the spring and early summer months traveling. i do this every spring. it's vital to my heart, and a very intentional way of removing myself from all that is familiar and seeking Him. now, don't get me wrong - i am more fully alive when i am traveling with Him, allowing Him to show me things about myself that i have forgotten, but it's not all easy, or even fun. i spend a lot of that time in self-reflection, allowing Him to show me the many things about myself that need to be more fully His. some of it's ugly. really ugly. but some of it's not.
this may, i was in florida. we went for a quick trip over to crystal river. there is a manatee refuge there, and our intention was to visit the refuge, explore the river, and generally just do something different. we ended up kayaking out to a place on the river called three sisters. it's a natural spring - well, 3 of them. it's absolutely stunning. i'll put some pics up after i finish getting these thoughts out of my head and into written form...
i've never kayaked before... and it was hard work... and i loved it. the Lord got a lot of mileage out of those 2 days. He showed me the way He had fashioned my heart for His creation - or more correctly, for restoring what we've lost due to poor stewardship or just plain ignorance. (i began this thought process in steward but haven't really expounded on that line of thought yet...) He also showed me that i love the hard work and the solitude and the mystery of kayaking. sounds silly, i know, but surely you've figured out that this is going somewhere...
when i got home, to say i was restless is an absurd understatement. i was going crazy. one day, my nephew was here and i decided that young boys and incredibly restless aunts need to go out and live a little. so i went to the mighty web and lo and behold, there is a local kayak club, and surprise, surprise... they were having a "demo day" on the lsu lakes that very day. after a little arguing with myself, i decided to go for it. i grabbed my nephew and off we went. we got to the lakes, signed our lives away, picked out a couple of boats, and the next thing we knew, we were paddling around the lakes.
if you know anything about the lakes at all, you know that they are yuck. they are shallow, polluted and only God knows what's actually in them... but none of that mattered. we were off on an adventure, alive and loving it. we decided to look for a deep spot to jump in the water to cool off for a sec, heebie jeebies about the lakes and all. it was H-O-T hot. so we set out toward the center of the lake, checking the depth every so often with our paddles. we finally found a spot that was ~5 feet - deep enough to keep my feet off the nasty bottom - and in we went. i hooked my feet on my kayak and just floated, enjoying the pounding of my heart ( i really, really hate nasty, can't-see-anything water) and the joy in my nephew's eyes. we were cutting up, daring one another to go underwater, splashing each other, silly stuff like that. it was silly, and it was fun. and then...
"ma'am. is this your vessel?" "oh! well, hello! actually, no, it's not." "ma'am. i'm asking you to board your vessels immediately and follow me to shore." huh? crap. leave it to me to get escorted off the lakes... and in front of my nephew. not that i was embarrassed - not at all. but i was immediately aware that this was a teachable moment for my nephew. so i engaged our escort in conversation, joking about being escorted off the lake and banished from the water. by the time we reached the shore, we were buddies and he immediately showed me a different type of kayak, explained what was "in bounds" and off we went again, paddling around the lakes - with strict instructions to stay out of the water.
i've shared this story with several friends along and along. the response that still reverberates in my soul is this: "Enjoy your nephew and also finding ways to kayak out of bounds." the reason it's stuck with me is this - i have never lived my life "in bounds." i've ALWAYS lived "out of bounds" and i like it that way. and it applies across all areas of my life... especially spiritually.
so here's the lesson i learned. i'm not meant to live my life in bounds - and i'm not going to. i'm not going to get tied up in rules and supposed to's. i'm not. i refuse. i will live my life on His terms, not anyone else's. my favorite description of God is "dangerous, wild, unfettered and free." is that always comfortable? absolutely not. does it always look "right"? not a chance. am i going to encounter criticism? that's a given - usually from those who are running away from their heart, not toward it. that's ok. part of my assignment, if you will, is to live my life in such a way that demonstrates HIM. not HIM in a box. not HIM in a behavior modification class. will my life look scary and different to some? YES!!! and that's the whole point. i mean to live my life challenging Who we think we want Him to be, Who we believe He really is, and what we think He's really like.
i intend to live my life out of bounds.
7.29.2007
dance
for those of you who read this who go to my church... if you saw a blur in the rafters tonight during worship... that was me, dancing with Jesus. He reached down and met my outstretched hands with His own, drew me up and twirled us through the rafters. it was ecstasy. it was worship in its truest form...
it was beautiful. He is beautiful. wow.
sigh...
LORD I WANT TO YEARN FOR YOU, I WANT TO BURN WITH PASSION OVER YOU, AND ONLY YOU!
i am at the end of myself... and Who do i meet? the King, inviting me to dance in His arms - His bride, His beloved, His own. He knows. and He reminded me that He knows... He knows how difficult this time is, and how my heart yearns for answers... and in the meantime, He wants to dance.
i'm inclined to acquiesce... HA. who am i kidding? i'm thrilled to be back in the safety in His arms, where i belong. everything else is gravy.
it was beautiful. He is beautiful. wow.
sigh...
LORD I WANT TO YEARN FOR YOU, I WANT TO BURN WITH PASSION OVER YOU, AND ONLY YOU!
i am at the end of myself... and Who do i meet? the King, inviting me to dance in His arms - His bride, His beloved, His own. He knows. and He reminded me that He knows... He knows how difficult this time is, and how my heart yearns for answers... and in the meantime, He wants to dance.
i'm inclined to acquiesce... HA. who am i kidding? i'm thrilled to be back in the safety in His arms, where i belong. everything else is gravy.
7.17.2007
guard
this diverges from the last post, but something really cool happened last week that i don't want to forget...
i was praying with a group of friends. that, in and of itself, is not so strange in my world. however... the need to pray for myself in the midst of praying for someone else is new-ish. i felt a very strong warning in my spirit to protect myself - spiritually speaking - from words that were about to be spoken. strange... but i've learned to trust His promptings. so, from somewhere deep inside, i cried out for His protection - more specifically, for Him to guard my heart... and the coolest thing happened.
i very rarely experience Jesus in a tangible way... i suppose that's the case for most of us. but this night, i felt - and saw, if i am perfectly honest - His hand covering my heart.
stop for a minute and soak up those words. i felt His hand covering my heart!
that was enough for my heart to almost burst at His nearness, but there's more. the timing was absolutely perfect. the words and thoughts that came immediately following this divine encounter (sorry - i can't find the words to do this any justice) were very obviously meant to harm me... not by those who spoke them, but by the enemy of my heart. vicious arrows, meant to drive deeply in with barbs that are loathe to let go. i felt them bouncing off His hand.
i felt them bouncing off His hand!!! and it remained there, throughout the rest of the night, as the discussion continued and the arrows kept flying. i really don't know what else to say... other than He is truly a warrior, a mighty God, loving and protective and personal to the extreme. He saw the ambush coming, and thwarted it Himself, guarding the heart He has been so carefully restoring.
i was praying with a group of friends. that, in and of itself, is not so strange in my world. however... the need to pray for myself in the midst of praying for someone else is new-ish. i felt a very strong warning in my spirit to protect myself - spiritually speaking - from words that were about to be spoken. strange... but i've learned to trust His promptings. so, from somewhere deep inside, i cried out for His protection - more specifically, for Him to guard my heart... and the coolest thing happened.
i very rarely experience Jesus in a tangible way... i suppose that's the case for most of us. but this night, i felt - and saw, if i am perfectly honest - His hand covering my heart.
stop for a minute and soak up those words. i felt His hand covering my heart!
that was enough for my heart to almost burst at His nearness, but there's more. the timing was absolutely perfect. the words and thoughts that came immediately following this divine encounter (sorry - i can't find the words to do this any justice) were very obviously meant to harm me... not by those who spoke them, but by the enemy of my heart. vicious arrows, meant to drive deeply in with barbs that are loathe to let go. i felt them bouncing off His hand.
i felt them bouncing off His hand!!! and it remained there, throughout the rest of the night, as the discussion continued and the arrows kept flying. i really don't know what else to say... other than He is truly a warrior, a mighty God, loving and protective and personal to the extreme. He saw the ambush coming, and thwarted it Himself, guarding the heart He has been so carefully restoring.
7.11.2007
steward
[this is definitely not a completed thought... but i am pressed to go ahead and post this. i will expound on my thoughts as they cohere.]
ok, so before you think i'm off to live a life of solitude in the mountains... as lovely as that sounds, He did not bring me here, immerse me in christian community, only to pick me up and drop me in a new place where everything of value i've learned here is lost. no, no - He has something far more grand and adventurous up His sleeve.
ok, so before you think i'm off to live a life of solitude in the mountains... as lovely as that sounds, He did not bring me here, immerse me in christian community, only to pick me up and drop me in a new place where everything of value i've learned here is lost. no, no - He has something far more grand and adventurous up His sleeve.
for me - and i can only speak for me - for me, life has become a delicate balance of loving others well and taking care of my own heart. i, me - no one else - i am responsible for how i respond to the lives i'm allowed to come alongside, whether it's for a day, a week, a couple of years, or a lifetime.
now, take that truth and apply it to all of the heartwork He's been doing lately (time is rather fluid for me, so "lately" applies to a much broader time span - about a year-ish). casting a broad stroke, He has been showing me - reminding me - of the things that make me come alive - things i care deeply about - things that i am devoted to.
in the church, much emphasis is placed on stewardship - of people, money, time, relationships - and that is certainly biblical and necessary. however, my heart beats for a different kind of stewardship - and it's just as biblical and necessary, although not as prevalent in the everyday life of a church. my heart beats for the land and the sea and the creatures... and the beautiful and glorious thing is that He has called me to this love, this responsibility, this devotion because He trusts me and believes in me - how crazy is that???
i've wondered for almost a year how mhgs and seattle fit into this picture. in short, they don't. rather, they were dots - stepping stones on the path back to my heart - that forced me to really look at my life, my heart - and be ok with what i found there. what i found is that i am not called to walk with people through the darkest hours of their lives as a profession. i certainly do that in my personal lives and loves, but my heart is not wired to be a counselor... and that's ok. it's more than ok - it's an honest assessment of who i am, and who He made me to be. i love that He demands that level of honesty and transparency from me (well, i love it most of the time...).
so the obvious question is, "what's next?" truthfully, i don't know. back to school for a master's is an option, although i'm in no way convinced that i'm to be a scientist. i find myself these days immersed in loving well (i use that phrase a lot, but it's perfectly applicable) and staying tuned into the treasures He drops in my lap, and what they are meant to show me. i've long since accepted that this part of the journey is directed step by step by Him alone, and that's as it should be.
7.07.2007
remember
i've spent a lot of time wondering why i struggle so much with really feeling a sense of belonging anywhere i've landed along this journey. it's been less intense than in the past, sort of tucked away in the recesses of my heart. it's much more of an on-going, quiet conversation between me and my Lord... and He, as always, is faithful to answer. rather, this time, He is faithful to remind...
He is faithful to remind me of all the things He used to shape me as a little girl - things that shaped my thought processes, the way i view the world, and the way i view Him. He dropped another treasure in my lap tonight in the form of a movie. we watched miss potter, and while there is much there that struck chords of dreams long forgotten, the closing line ("where i belong.") is what made me realize that i haven't spent the last 34 years trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do with my life - i've spent the last 25 or so years trying to remember:
there are times i fear i lose myself
i don't know who i am
i get caught up in the struggle and the strain
with my back against a stonewall
my finger in the dam
losin' strength and goin' down again
and i take a look around me
my eyes can't find the sun
there's nothing wild as far as i can see
then my heart turns to alaska
and freedom on the run
i can hear her spirit callin' me
to the mountains, i can rest there
to the rivers, i will be strong
to the forest, i'll find peace there
to the wild country, where i belong
oh, i know some times i worry
on worldly ways and means
and i can see the future killing me
on a misbegotten highway
of prophecies and dreams
a road to nowhere and eternity
and i know it's just changes
yes, and mankind marchin' on
i know we can't live in yesterday
but compared to what we're losin'
and what it means to me
i'd give my life and throw the rest away
to the mountains, i can rest there
to the rivers, i will be strong
to the forest, i'll find peace there
to the wild country, where i belong
i belong to the wild country...
where i belong
to the wild country
--words and music by john denver
He is faithful to remind me of all the things He used to shape me as a little girl - things that shaped my thought processes, the way i view the world, and the way i view Him. He dropped another treasure in my lap tonight in the form of a movie. we watched miss potter, and while there is much there that struck chords of dreams long forgotten, the closing line ("where i belong.") is what made me realize that i haven't spent the last 34 years trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do with my life - i've spent the last 25 or so years trying to remember:
there are times i fear i lose myself
i don't know who i am
i get caught up in the struggle and the strain
with my back against a stonewall
my finger in the dam
losin' strength and goin' down again
and i take a look around me
my eyes can't find the sun
there's nothing wild as far as i can see
then my heart turns to alaska
and freedom on the run
i can hear her spirit callin' me
to the mountains, i can rest there
to the rivers, i will be strong
to the forest, i'll find peace there
to the wild country, where i belong
oh, i know some times i worry
on worldly ways and means
and i can see the future killing me
on a misbegotten highway
of prophecies and dreams
a road to nowhere and eternity
and i know it's just changes
yes, and mankind marchin' on
i know we can't live in yesterday
but compared to what we're losin'
and what it means to me
i'd give my life and throw the rest away
to the mountains, i can rest there
to the rivers, i will be strong
to the forest, i'll find peace there
to the wild country, where i belong
i belong to the wild country...
where i belong
to the wild country
--words and music by john denver
6.20.2007
courage
rise and run to the place where fear and dreams collide...
--leigh barkalow, captivating retreat, ransomed heart ministries
[i don't know who the original author of this quote is, so i can only credit the speaker]
these words bring me to a place in my soul where the ache of possibility and the fear of hope leave me stripped bare, in a place of absolute vulnerability before my King.
--leigh barkalow, captivating retreat, ransomed heart ministries
[i don't know who the original author of this quote is, so i can only credit the speaker]
these words bring me to a place in my soul where the ache of possibility and the fear of hope leave me stripped bare, in a place of absolute vulnerability before my King.
6.11.2007
well
an entry from my journal written at the captivating retreat in september 2006:
... can i live deeply from my heart for You, so that i may champion, call out, encourage, allure, arouse, defend, LOVE fully? all good things come from You... i've been so afraid to ask You, Lord, but i'm asking now, with much fear and trembling. help me to love well - to love You first, and from the overflow of that, love my friends, my family, my community... dare i ask You for more than You've already given me... i ask You, with a heart that strives to be open to Your answer. Lord, i await You...
and an entry from the march 2007 retreat:
... just one simple question, Lord. will You teach me to love well?...
help me to love well.
i had forgotten that i asked Him that. those exact words have come up several times over the past few months, as He peels back the layers of resolve and woundedness and re-shapes my heart... but i didn't connect the dots until i re-read my journals from the retreats the other night.
i had forgotten - but He hadn't.
... can i live deeply from my heart for You, so that i may champion, call out, encourage, allure, arouse, defend, LOVE fully? all good things come from You... i've been so afraid to ask You, Lord, but i'm asking now, with much fear and trembling. help me to love well - to love You first, and from the overflow of that, love my friends, my family, my community... dare i ask You for more than You've already given me... i ask You, with a heart that strives to be open to Your answer. Lord, i await You...
and an entry from the march 2007 retreat:
... just one simple question, Lord. will You teach me to love well?...
help me to love well.
i had forgotten that i asked Him that. those exact words have come up several times over the past few months, as He peels back the layers of resolve and woundedness and re-shapes my heart... but i didn't connect the dots until i re-read my journals from the retreats the other night.
i had forgotten - but He hadn't.
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