in my family, over the past 20 or so years, there's been a slow erosion of life, like a deep gasping moan of someone struggling for the very breath of life. it's an erosion so insidious that it's presence was barely perceptible, but this weekend, it's been exposed for the theft that it is... the Bible says that the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. i get that. or at least i have a pretty good understanding that we have an enemy, that he hates us, and that he will seize every opportunity to destroy life, any movement toward God and away from death. i don't think i had a full grasp of the "theft" part of that verse; it came to glaring light over this weekend.
apathy is a terrible thing. the results of apathy are equally as terrible. within families, when someone (or everyone) just lets things slide, something precious is lost. many precious things are lost: tradition, celebration, affirmation, acknowledgement, encouragement... the bindings of family are LOST.
it started with birthdays in my family. when dad was lost at sea, i reported him missing on mom's birthday. the next birthday was his, and there was no celebrating that. then my sister's, and then mine, and then the kids, and all of a sudden, birthdays just didn't matter anymore. at first, it was a product of grief. but over the years it became a slow, malingering decline of the heart that invaded every aspect of who we are as a family.
the next to go were the lesser holidays. valentine's, carnival, memorial day, independence day, labor day, halloween, even the arrival of autumn... these days became just like any other day on the calendar, with not even a family dinner or phone call or text message. nothing. these holidays, which used to be so full of life and fun have faded into nothingness. such a terrible loss.
and then came the big ones - christmas and easter. we kinda sorta still make a token effort to celebrate these, well, because that's what christian families do. but even these efforts were nothing more than a home-cooked meal and football or baseball, and then everyone went back to their homes, safe from any more attempts at mustering any joy at these occasions. or connection. or laughter.
tears prick my eyes as i type, as the full weight of understanding what we've lost over the years really sinks into my heart... but this is a tale of joy. as tolkien said, you must go through the darkness to emerge into the light.
the family i am staying with is committed to living intentionally in every aspect of their lives. i can remember even within the history of this blog where i made every effort to do the same. even so, the effort and intentionality was concerned with my own life, not the life of my family. how sad to be so self-involved and so willing to let all that tradition and love and life just slip away. not that it was my job, per se, to rally the troops for every occasion under the sun, but in my quest for life and love, i left something very precious behind. i let the traditions fade into memory. i allowed that to happen. so did the other members of my family. we are apathetic, and it destroyed much of what binds a family together.
back to the present tale: my birthday was a couple of days ago, and MUCH to my chagrin, heather insisted on celebrating. to me, this meant an obligatory cake and maybe a dinner. oh no, friends. not heather. she whisked me out of the house for coffee and conversation over breakfast at a little coffee house within walking distance in this little town nestled in the rocky mountains. from there, we walked to a beautiful little shop run by a sweet lady who sells stuff made by women who have been rescued from sex trafficking. after much laughter and rejoicing for these women's rescue, we walked back to the house and heather made me lunch. when questioned about what i wanted for dinner, i hemmed and hawed, not wanting to put her to any more trouble. pressed for an answer, i finally said, "IF i were at home, and IF you were my mom, i MIGHT ask you to make homemade fried chicken. or pasta. but you're NOT my mom and i don't want to be any trouble, so just make dinner for your family and i will enjoy that with you. that's more than enough for me." what a pathetic answer, and heather was having none of it. she let me demur, and said nothing. eventually, she went out with the kids and i was left alone to nap in the sunshine, take a warm bath, and move on into my bedroom for a real nap. i woke up in time to take a few calls from friends, and then (tried) to attend a family meeting at my church via speaker phone. it was an epic fail, but just hearing the distorted voices and laughter of so many people i love in one room, even over a terrible phone connection, was so good for my soul. when i emerged from my room, i walked straight into - you guessed it, the smell of fried chicken. AND goat cheese pasta. seriously?
but does the tale stop here? hardly. next up was heather's traditional birthday cake, made in my honor - a poppy seed cake, which was delicious. but that's not all. she has 3 wonderful kids, and they, one by one, presented me with hand-drawn cards and gifts. first was chocolate from the 6-year old boy (i am understating this - it was ghirardelli dark and sea salt caramel squares). next was lip balm and gum from the 9-year old girl, which made me laugh. and then i was presented with a hand-written card from the oldest boy, who is 10. he gave me a $10 bill to buy the worship cd that goes along with the book, becoming myself. such specificity and thoughtful selflessness from one so young... to which the youngest boy immediately ran to his wallet and presented me with $5 more to add to the offering. under much duress and after much protestation, i finally accepted (sorta) gracefully. and then it was heather's turn. she gave me a sweet card and a framed picture of us from the weekend we met, last march when we served together on the work crew at a captivating retreat here in colorado. reminders of life and love and joy. as if all this weren't enough to make my heart burst, the joy of the day was punctuated by texts and calls all day from friends and loved ones who wanted to make sure that i knew i was loved and missed. i even got a text from my mom, which is funny and sad - ironic - all at the same time. i went to bed with my heart just aching, bittersweet as these thoughts i am now typing were forming, and feeling well-loved, all at the same time.
and the tale does not stop there. the next day was spent much like the day before, with much intentionality and prayer and STEAK. and GIRLS NIGHT. ezra, heather's husband, grilled us steak, and then he and jake (another of the amazing husbands here) gathered all the kids - 8 in total, i believe - sent us to stacey's house for a girls night to celebrate all the february birthdays. 7 of us settled in over lemon drops and sangria, and had a spectacular night of laughter and deep connection, love and joy - a true celebration of life, and all that Jesus is doing in our lives. there might have even been a bit of 4-wheeling up the driveway, which happened to be uphill covered in show and ice...
and the tale does not stop there. today, we continued with the napping and the baking and the celebrating. my room is filled with flowers - roses, hyacinth, lilies, and a tiny cactus. i went running, and the mountains were covered in a frozen fog, even as i ran in 45 degrees, the wind whipping me breathless as i conquered the hills. i felt so alive my blood was positively zinging through my veins!
and so i sit here tonight, having retired to my room early, to give heather and ezra some time to themselves. i am equal parts sad, joyous, and deeply convicted of what i've allowed the enemy to steal from my family. to give up, to lose hope, is to lose EVERYTHING that makes a family thrive and bind together. ahhh... there are so many thoughts stirring, so many rabbits i could chase on losing hope, letting tradition die... but those are thoughts for another night. this night, i am loved. i am renewed. i am full of wonder and hope and joy.
tonight, on this birthday night of my church, my fervent prayer is that we, as a church family, never lose hope, never let go of meaningful tradition, never stop reveling in what the Lord is doing in our lives, never stop living with intentionality and love and joy... that we would never stop celebrating the faithfulness of our God, His lavish and extravagant love, His boundless grace, and His relentless pursuit of redemption, restoration, trust and love. He won't have it any other way - He insists we rejoice and be glad!
i think He may be onto something...
happy birthday to everyone who calls the ring community church family. you are much loved.
2.09.2014
2.04.2014
flatlander
[author's note - i have recently relocated to the front range of the colorado rocky mountains. here, i am known as a flatlander, since i am new to life at altitude, hence the name of this post.]
these days, i find myself ensconced in the home of my friend, heather, and her lovely family in colorado. this is amazing on many, many levels, to be sure, and i find myself wanting to record how drastically not just my life has changed, but also about how the details of my life have changed. for example...
BATHING/GROOMING/HYGIENE/PERSONAL CARE - this must be the place i start, as obscure as this topic may seem at first blush:
these days, i find myself ensconced in the home of my friend, heather, and her lovely family in colorado. this is amazing on many, many levels, to be sure, and i find myself wanting to record how drastically not just my life has changed, but also about how the details of my life have changed. for example...
BATHING/GROOMING/HYGIENE/PERSONAL CARE - this must be the place i start, as obscure as this topic may seem at first blush:
- there are no HEATERS in ANY colorado bathroom i've ever encountered. home designers, this is directed at you. what gives? who designs a home with bathrooms that are not heated, are situated against an outside wall, and said wall lacks extra insulation? BRRRR. on the upside, my yoga practice is going to be vastly improved, as my balancing skills are put to use every time i set foot in the tub.
- this deserves further elaboration, specifically bath versus shower:
- BATHING - STOP. DO NOT ENTER. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT SETTING FOOT IN THE TUB WITHOUT FIRST TURNING ON THE WATER FULL HOT. resist the temptation to cool the faucet water down. trust me on this. the water will cool rapidly due to the exterior wall and lack of heater... and your own freezing cold body in desperate need of warmth. to this end, it will behoove you to delay disrobing until your bath is fully drawn.
- SHOWERING (women, this is for you, well, because men, this would just be weird - unless you're an athlete - then by all means, proceed!) - when shaving while standing, balance on one leg and raise the other to the wall in front of you. balance only on one leg and one toe pressed against the wall. this way, you minimize contact of body parts on any surface. yogis, rejoice.
- BATHING PRODUCTS - body wash, at elevation, does not foam well or for any decent length of time. anticipate using twice as much of any product (see exception below). i suspect the same goes for shaving cream, although no woman in this household uses it. my semi-educated guess as to the reason for this phenomena is lack of available oxygen in the air (we currently reside at 7300 feet of altitude).
- MOUTH WASH - this is apparently the exception to the body products rule. mouth wash foams at an alarming rate, and if you are not prepared to spit, you will end up with cheeks like a chipmunk and mouthwash spurting out at an alarming velocity. practical tip - use 1/2 your normal amount and rinse twice. my hygienist friends will appreciate this advice.
- LIQUIDS - in general, anything that does not exist in a solid state is going to explode at some point if you don't properly prepare prior to your arrival. ziploc baggies are your friends. use them copiously. double-bag EVERYTHING if you are ascending over 5000 feet. also of note, if you loosen the caps on items, you will minimize the explosion and thus loss of product. or better yet, if you are traveling to altitude for a short time, wait until you get to your destination and buy your toiletries there. this may seem wasteful at first, but especially with toiletries, why risk having them thrown away at the airport for being too large or worse, having to clean up the explosion once you've arrived?
- SALINE NASAL SPRAY - if you are hailing from a humid climate, saline nasal spray will be your best friend... that and your LIP BALM with SPF of at least 15 and KLEENEX. consider these three items the holy trinity for traveling to altitude. bring or buy copious amounts of these items and keep them with you at ALL TIMES. miss one day and your lips and skin will severely reprimand you.
- SUNSCREEN and SUNGLASSES - these really should be part of the holy trinity of which i just wrote, but that just screws up the metaphor. you are at least a mile and perhaps 2.5 miles above sea level, which means you are that much closer to the sun. you will burn here any time of year, as the summers are very hot and the winters typically include snow, which reflects sunlight onto your skin and eyes. don't spoil your trip the very first day by blistering your eyes, lips, and skin in the sun.
- WATER BOTTLES - hydrate hydrate hydrate. you cannot drink too much water here. oh, and do the earth a favor and buy ONE nalgene or "reusable" bottle. despite what my friend heather says, buying 15 nalgenes to color-coordinate with your outfits is not an excuse for said bottles eventually ending up in a landfill FOREVER. seriously - this stuff actually does not decay over time - unless we are thinking in geologic time. then yes, they will eventually degrade, in oh, about 60,000,000 years. ok, end of earth stewardship lecture.
- STATIC ELECTRICITY - it's here. it doesn't go away. be kind and discharge your built up static electricity onto a metal object before you touch a person. or an animal. or any living thing. be kind. ESPECIALLY at a gas station.
dinner is ready and i am starving, having spent all day yesterday throwing up... but that's a different story for another time. of note, it's currently 1.2 degrees with blowing snow... the windows have fogged up so the view of the snow is obscured. i'm adapting surprisingly well for someone who despises being cold. it's amazing what God can do when He calls you follow Him...
soli Deo gloria. much love, friends.
2.27.2013
running
before i even begin to write, let me just rejoice for a moment that i finally have moved past the writer's block that struck just after i wrote the last post. REJOICE REJOICE REJOICE!
ok, now that the jig-dancing has slowed to a deep humming in my spirit...
through a series of crazy events over the past 2 days, i learned something new. something incredibly freeing. and something very cool.
i've lived outside of christian community for over a year now. until 2 weeks ago, exactly. that's when i finally took the plunge back into community group. i'd re-entered the world of church attendance, but living in community happens outside of sunday night. and we can't do this life alone. we're not created to live this life alone.
so i found myself (and my sister!!!) sitting in a house full of people last night. because it is just that easy. and that hard. just step back in. so much grace in that. seriously.
and then i found myself pretty much kicked off the couch to pray for a girl who shared during group. in my not-so-distant world, praying for others was my norm. not so much these days. until last night.
so there i was, praying - with voice quivering, i don't mind admitting - over and for this beautiful young daughter of the King who needed Truth to overwhelm her and to re-center her. as the other women in the room continued to pray, i felt my spirit "bow up" as it were, in a posture of defiance and defense that i have not been in in quite a long time. over a year, at least. for someone who has spent the majority of the past 10 years actively developing and using the gift of intercession, not praying is just not natural... so to feel that familiar bowing up, to sense clearly danger and re-direction, to pray only what the Spirit led me to say and nothing more... well, that was like coming home.
slight digression at this juncture - i was stirred up last sunday night at church, too. it was my first sunday in over a year and a half where i wasn't late and could actually take part in the entire service. the very first song we sang was "sing to the King" and that song just riles me up. it stirs something very primal in me, and my hands flew up and stayed up. i was singing/shouting as loud as i could and didn't even care when my voice cut out when i couldn't hit a note. when the song ended, jess turned around and told me, "it just feels like everything is right with the world when you're back there singing." or something to that effect. which is kinda fun because i was praying as i was singing... for her. Jesus!
fast-forward to today. i made a coffee date with the girl we prayed over last night. intentionality is so vital, and i know that i am supposed to keep up with her. so we met and talked and shared and basically got to know one another... and get this - because she wanted someone "who has lived more life" to come alongside her. and Jesus wants me to be a part of her story? so incredibly humbling and amazing who He chooses to use, and in His timing, too. anyway, on to the point of this post - while we were talking, i ran smack dab into this new realization:
when i was learning to run (literally, feet pounding the pavement running), the first 30 runs or so is more about experiencing all the different aches, pains, cramps, stitches, foot placement, pacing, etc etc etc. and then one day, you experience something AGAIN, and instead of it being new and foreign and something to categorize and understand, it becomes something familiar, something known... something that i can say, "oh, i know what that is. keep going."
who can guess that there is a parallel coming?
any of you who have read this blog over the years knows that i have struggled for such a long time with the idea of stagnation. of never learning ENOUGH to move on. of finding myself in the same place, again and again and again. ad nauseum.
but what He showed me this afternoon was this - coming to a place i recognize is not failure. it's not here we go again. it can be an opportunity to revisit something, if Jesus says so. but isn't that the point? i know this place. i recognize it. i can ask Jesus if there's something He wants me to revisit here, and if He says no, then KEEP GOING.
so simple. so beautiful. so much freedom. so like Jesus.
7.09.2012
reframe (or, vengeance part 2)
i wrote in a previous post (which has since been taken down, for the sake of privacy) that i needed a reframe - a different way of looking at what happened to me at my last place of employment. i think i've thought myself into one.
as christians, we are commanded to pray for those who declare themselves our enemies. and i have, both publicly and privately, prayed for my staff. prayed for whatever deep brokenness which exists within them that would allow such violent thought and aggressive action. that was, at first, i freely admit, prayed more from a place of desperation, obedience, and a counselor's heart. and those prayers became my defense against the anxiety which has been so much a part of this season of my life. but as i become more entrenched in this new life back home, i'm less distressed by the past and more consumed with the present. that's another way of saying that time does indeed heal most wounds.
i'm not finished grieving this yet, but i've begun grieving differently. i find myself grieving less for myself and the injustice of what was allowed to happen to me and more for those who perpetrated the events. one staff member was the ringleader for all that transpired, and it is she who consumes my thoughts these days.
ok, so consumes is a bit strong. rather, when i am struck with a random thought at an increasingly random time, that thought is more about her than me. i guess that's part of grieving and forgiving. anyway, these current thoughts circle around the idea of trajectory. i once heard the concept of hell taught as unredeemed mankind being allowed to stay on their current trajectory away from God, with eternal consequence. i tend to agree with this more than some actual burning lake of fire where tortured souls dwell forever in the absence of God - He is, after all, the God of choice, is He not? if we choose to live absent from Him, then is He not obligated by His holiness and righteousness to allow us to stay that course?
but i'm starting to chase a different rabbit than the one i'm really after tonight, so let me bring my thoughts back to her. she remains nameless, of course, for the sake of her privacy, so for the sake of not using pronouns ad nauseam, i'll call her lucy. i worry about lucy. i worry about what consequence she is going to suffer for achieving her goal of getting rid of me. i used to rave in anger at the thought of lucy getting away with her schemes against me, but then something curious happened: i began to realize that God is not just my God, my Righteous Judge, but lucy's, too... and not in a "lucy has to look Jesus in the face one day and explain herself to Him" kind of way, though i surely started out thinking that way. no, that thought process has evolved into concern for lucy's trajectory, because the result of her triumph over me is that she is solidly held fast in the fear that is at the root of all her actions. through lucy's success, her actions were validated, thus cementing the deep-seated fear which caused them in the first place. instead of anger, i feel pity, and my prayers become more sincere. trapped living in fear is a horrible horrible horrible way to live this life. we all live in fear, to a certain extent, but as christians, we live in such a way that leads us into the fear in order to be released from it - Jesus says that it is for freedom that we have been set free, and not to burden ourselves again with it as we walk with Him, but rather, to walk into the fear with Him, allow Him to address it, speak to it, and heal it - and we walk away from it, leaving it in His capable hands. yes, we can tend to cycle back to it, but the holy urge is to LEAVE IT, to walk away from it, to set a course in a direction which allows for peace, love, holiness, and wholeness. to live any other way is folly.
now, 2 caveats are necessary here. 1 is that i am in no way judging lucy's walk with the Lord. she either has one or she doesn't. i make no claim to know. the other caveat is that my thoughts on wholeness and healing are more far-reaching and multi-dimensional, allowing that most of us bob and weave our way through sanctification over a lifetime.
lucy's fear, thus her actions, thus her thought processes, thus her life and her realm of influence, have been VALIDATED, and in a very public arena, which just lends more fuel to the fire. i had a couple of employees quit once they knew what was about to go down. i, as usual, was the last to know what lucy was up to. i knew she was up to something. i'm not stupid. but i had no idea that lucy is capable of such malice - of taking thoughts of violence, justifying them into thoughts of self-righteousness, and turning them into actions with far-reaching ramifications for so many more people than just her or me. people quit their jobs in this economy over her actions. i lost mine. the other employees watched lucy get away with blatant insubordination and sabotage, and what do we think they learned from that, except to FEAR lucy? vendors, patrons, colleagues - so many people know what lucy got away with, and how can that knowledge not feed cynicism and faulty thinking? what about her kids? what are they learning from a woman so trapped, so needful of securing her tiny little world that she is willing to go to such lengths to secure her place in it - what are her kids learning from her about life and how to live it?
i've wondered many, many times why the events transpired the way they did in order for me to know lucy. at the end of the day, not much has changed in my world. i still have the job i had before i moved to that one, i'm still on track to join the management team there, i'm still running, still living, still seeking after the things of God. i've made a few new friends, started writing again, and am on a hiatus from church. these few changes are not bad, and in fact, are actually very good. SO. would God send me on such a crazy mission just to meet someone He's pursuing? perhaps. i mean, yes, we have many examples throughout scripture of holy missions with absolutely insane plots and characters. His ways are definitely not our ways, even for those of us who profess to seek His ways. i think back to that night in colorado, the purity of worship, love, and adoration, the absolute certainty of knowledge that He had finally set me on His course for my life, and i can only answer with a bemused and faltering yes.
yes, He sent me there. yes, i was purposed to meet lucy. He is not random. not even close. yes, He allowed lucy to succeed, knowing that her brokenness would be reinforced, validated. and i can only declare Him wise and good beyond all reckoning, because i know that His desire is to heal lucy. i know that He knows i'd eventually see what really happened and pray for her. and i know that He knew that i'd be sitting here tonight, shaking my head in bewilderment and bemusement at His audacity. ha. i once wrote that my favorite attributes of God are that He is dangerous, wild, unfettered, and free. o, the irony.
i sang a matt redman song that weekend, driving through the mountains in colorado, and i've only just now remembered this as i think of how to wrap up these crazy thoughts. it's a song i've known for a long time, but refused to sing aloud, due to the sheer terror of Him actually holding me to the words, once sung aloud:
hear Your people saying yes,
hear Your people saying yes to You.
yes to anything You ask,
yes to anything we´re called to do.
hear Your people say amen,
hear Your people say amen to You.
let Your kingdom come on earth,
let it be just like we prayed to You.
yes and amen to everything that´s in Your heart,
yes and amen to everything that You have planned.
we live to see Your will be done,
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.
all the promises are yes,
all the promises are yes in You.
every good and perfect gift,
every blessing that we have was You.
yes and amen to everything that´s in Your heart,
yes and amen to everything that You have planned.
we live to see Your will be done,
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.
yes and amen, we´re taking up our cross for You,
give us the strength to take these dreams and follow through.
we live to see Your will be done,
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.
hear Your people saying yes,
hear Your people saying yes to You.
yes to anything You ask,
yes to anything we´re called to do.
hear Your people say amen,
hear Your people say amen to You.
let Your kingdom come on earth,
let it be just like we prayed to You.
yes and amen to everything that´s in Your heart,
yes and amen to everything that You have planned.
we live to see Your will be done,
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.
yes and amen, we´re taking up our cross for You,
give us the strength to take these dreams and follow through.
we live to see Your will be done,
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.
yes and amen.
as christians, we are commanded to pray for those who declare themselves our enemies. and i have, both publicly and privately, prayed for my staff. prayed for whatever deep brokenness which exists within them that would allow such violent thought and aggressive action. that was, at first, i freely admit, prayed more from a place of desperation, obedience, and a counselor's heart. and those prayers became my defense against the anxiety which has been so much a part of this season of my life. but as i become more entrenched in this new life back home, i'm less distressed by the past and more consumed with the present. that's another way of saying that time does indeed heal most wounds.
i'm not finished grieving this yet, but i've begun grieving differently. i find myself grieving less for myself and the injustice of what was allowed to happen to me and more for those who perpetrated the events. one staff member was the ringleader for all that transpired, and it is she who consumes my thoughts these days.
ok, so consumes is a bit strong. rather, when i am struck with a random thought at an increasingly random time, that thought is more about her than me. i guess that's part of grieving and forgiving. anyway, these current thoughts circle around the idea of trajectory. i once heard the concept of hell taught as unredeemed mankind being allowed to stay on their current trajectory away from God, with eternal consequence. i tend to agree with this more than some actual burning lake of fire where tortured souls dwell forever in the absence of God - He is, after all, the God of choice, is He not? if we choose to live absent from Him, then is He not obligated by His holiness and righteousness to allow us to stay that course?
but i'm starting to chase a different rabbit than the one i'm really after tonight, so let me bring my thoughts back to her. she remains nameless, of course, for the sake of her privacy, so for the sake of not using pronouns ad nauseam, i'll call her lucy. i worry about lucy. i worry about what consequence she is going to suffer for achieving her goal of getting rid of me. i used to rave in anger at the thought of lucy getting away with her schemes against me, but then something curious happened: i began to realize that God is not just my God, my Righteous Judge, but lucy's, too... and not in a "lucy has to look Jesus in the face one day and explain herself to Him" kind of way, though i surely started out thinking that way. no, that thought process has evolved into concern for lucy's trajectory, because the result of her triumph over me is that she is solidly held fast in the fear that is at the root of all her actions. through lucy's success, her actions were validated, thus cementing the deep-seated fear which caused them in the first place. instead of anger, i feel pity, and my prayers become more sincere. trapped living in fear is a horrible horrible horrible way to live this life. we all live in fear, to a certain extent, but as christians, we live in such a way that leads us into the fear in order to be released from it - Jesus says that it is for freedom that we have been set free, and not to burden ourselves again with it as we walk with Him, but rather, to walk into the fear with Him, allow Him to address it, speak to it, and heal it - and we walk away from it, leaving it in His capable hands. yes, we can tend to cycle back to it, but the holy urge is to LEAVE IT, to walk away from it, to set a course in a direction which allows for peace, love, holiness, and wholeness. to live any other way is folly.
now, 2 caveats are necessary here. 1 is that i am in no way judging lucy's walk with the Lord. she either has one or she doesn't. i make no claim to know. the other caveat is that my thoughts on wholeness and healing are more far-reaching and multi-dimensional, allowing that most of us bob and weave our way through sanctification over a lifetime.
lucy's fear, thus her actions, thus her thought processes, thus her life and her realm of influence, have been VALIDATED, and in a very public arena, which just lends more fuel to the fire. i had a couple of employees quit once they knew what was about to go down. i, as usual, was the last to know what lucy was up to. i knew she was up to something. i'm not stupid. but i had no idea that lucy is capable of such malice - of taking thoughts of violence, justifying them into thoughts of self-righteousness, and turning them into actions with far-reaching ramifications for so many more people than just her or me. people quit their jobs in this economy over her actions. i lost mine. the other employees watched lucy get away with blatant insubordination and sabotage, and what do we think they learned from that, except to FEAR lucy? vendors, patrons, colleagues - so many people know what lucy got away with, and how can that knowledge not feed cynicism and faulty thinking? what about her kids? what are they learning from a woman so trapped, so needful of securing her tiny little world that she is willing to go to such lengths to secure her place in it - what are her kids learning from her about life and how to live it?
i've wondered many, many times why the events transpired the way they did in order for me to know lucy. at the end of the day, not much has changed in my world. i still have the job i had before i moved to that one, i'm still on track to join the management team there, i'm still running, still living, still seeking after the things of God. i've made a few new friends, started writing again, and am on a hiatus from church. these few changes are not bad, and in fact, are actually very good. SO. would God send me on such a crazy mission just to meet someone He's pursuing? perhaps. i mean, yes, we have many examples throughout scripture of holy missions with absolutely insane plots and characters. His ways are definitely not our ways, even for those of us who profess to seek His ways. i think back to that night in colorado, the purity of worship, love, and adoration, the absolute certainty of knowledge that He had finally set me on His course for my life, and i can only answer with a bemused and faltering yes.
yes, He sent me there. yes, i was purposed to meet lucy. He is not random. not even close. yes, He allowed lucy to succeed, knowing that her brokenness would be reinforced, validated. and i can only declare Him wise and good beyond all reckoning, because i know that His desire is to heal lucy. i know that He knows i'd eventually see what really happened and pray for her. and i know that He knew that i'd be sitting here tonight, shaking my head in bewilderment and bemusement at His audacity. ha. i once wrote that my favorite attributes of God are that He is dangerous, wild, unfettered, and free. o, the irony.
i sang a matt redman song that weekend, driving through the mountains in colorado, and i've only just now remembered this as i think of how to wrap up these crazy thoughts. it's a song i've known for a long time, but refused to sing aloud, due to the sheer terror of Him actually holding me to the words, once sung aloud:
hear Your people saying yes,
hear Your people saying yes to You.
yes to anything You ask,
yes to anything we´re called to do.
hear Your people say amen,
hear Your people say amen to You.
let Your kingdom come on earth,
let it be just like we prayed to You.
yes and amen to everything that´s in Your heart,
yes and amen to everything that You have planned.
we live to see Your will be done,
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.
all the promises are yes,
all the promises are yes in You.
every good and perfect gift,
every blessing that we have was You.
yes and amen to everything that´s in Your heart,
yes and amen to everything that You have planned.
we live to see Your will be done,
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.
yes and amen, we´re taking up our cross for You,
give us the strength to take these dreams and follow through.
we live to see Your will be done,
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.
hear Your people saying yes,
hear Your people saying yes to You.
yes to anything You ask,
yes to anything we´re called to do.
hear Your people say amen,
hear Your people say amen to You.
let Your kingdom come on earth,
let it be just like we prayed to You.
yes and amen to everything that´s in Your heart,
yes and amen to everything that You have planned.
we live to see Your will be done,
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.
yes and amen, we´re taking up our cross for You,
give us the strength to take these dreams and follow through.
we live to see Your will be done,
and see Your perfect kingdom come on earth, on the earth.
yes and amen.
6.26.2012
breathing
i have a confession to make.
there was a time in the life of this blog where i stated vociferously that i wanted to live fully alive in Christ. i don't even know what that means anymore. i'm reading a book about the life of paul, and in the narrative, there is a moment when young saul travels to jerusalem for his sister's wedding. he finds himself on the first night in that holy place unable to sleep, troubled deeply in his soul. he decided, during a crisis of faith, to love God whether He loved him back or not. i am not so devoted. but i believe he wanted the same thing that haunts me tonight - i want to be able to sing these words:
every step we are breathing in Your grace
evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise
i suffer from an anxiety disorder (as if that was not screamingly obvious from my last post), as do all the women in my family. it's been interesting to watch the disorder change over time in each of us, as our circumstances change and life rolls on. my mom "accepts" her lot as her fault and suffers accordingly, my sister overmedicates, my niece self-medicates and self-destructs, and i... well i've been better, and i've been worse. which begs the question - where is this lasting, inside out change that christianity promises?
yes, yes. the pious call it sanctification over time. the atheists call it brainwashing. medical professionals and mental health professionals, in rare agreement, call it maturity over time culminating in wisdom - sagacity. i'm not sure what i call it, other than painful and disruptive, at present.
i do find that it's changed over the past year. it's become more pervasive - more intrusive. it interrupts my sleep - when i can actually sleep. it crowds out thoughts and comes unbidden into just about any situation. and it feels different too. it used to be a general unease and an inability to turn off my brain at night. it's now much more debilitating and affects me physically... which is why running is such a joy and a triumph for me - running is 90% mental and i rejoice in developing that discipline.
but the bitch of suffering from such a hidden dysfunction (chemical imbalance is rather difficult to detect in your average bear, at least at first glance) is that i am just about universally perceived as confident, capable, intelligent, trustworthy. a person of integrity and character. and in that perception, even if it echoes with truth, people fail to realize just how alone, afraid, and increasingly fragile that persona has become. that is quite a solitary place to exist.
the anxiety manifests differently these days, as well. i first became aware of the disorder during my separation and subsequent divorce over 10 years ago. i've managed it with medication, education, and faith. so why are the thoughts more pervasive, more disruptive, more frequent, more potentially damaging? i'm still medicated. i'm still educated - can't really go backwards on that one, right? so that leaves faith.
i have another confession to make.
my faith in God-the-Father, Jesus-the-Savior, and the Holy Spirit-counsellor has dwindled into something unrecognizable as faith. i've can't even muster up anger about His perceived indifference to my plight. i'm tired of fighting, tired of trying to understand Him, tired of trying to fix whatever it is that i fucked up so badly that grace can't or won't cover it. i'm tired of semi-jokingly referring to myself as jacob, wrestling with the angel in an exercise in futility. i'm just tired.
i have another confession to make.
after 10+ years of regular attendance in church, bible studies, and community groups, i have not stepped foot inside the door of a church in almost 9 months. NINE. wow - i just had to count that out on my fingers to make sure i had that right. that's crazy. i used to spend between 4 and 6 hours every sunday afternoon/night FOR OVER TEN YEARS investing in people and a vision that i truly, deeply believed in. those same people didn't even realize i was gone when i moved, and they surely haven't sounded the trumpets upon my return to BR. don't hear me casting stones here - i've made almost zero effort into reintegrating into that community.
does the lack of one lend to the progression of the other? likely. i had a brief conversation via text tonight with one of the very few people with whom i've stayed in contact with since october. she was wondering if and when i'll be returning to our church, and my most honest answer was not anytime soon. i read resignation and obligation in her words, but i know a bit about her heart, and it's more than that for her. she fiercely believes all that our church lacks will come with the fullness of time. i wish i shared her conviction. i really do.
i have a confession to make.
i want to be known, loved, and valued... i suspect we all do. and i want to offer the same, unconditionally. but i don't know how anymore, if i ever knew in the first place. i want to sleep. i want to succeed in life. i want to be able to support myself. i want my life to be significant. i want to offer light and hope, authenticity and transparency. i want religion stripped away and simple faith to prevail. i want to NOT wake up 15 times a night, on the verge of panic about some small but important thing that needs attending. i want to stop hearing taunts of failure and mediocrity.
standing on this mountaintop
looking just how far we've come
knowing that for every step
You were with us
kneeling on this battle ground
seeing just how much You've done
knowing every victory
is Your power in us
scars and struggles on the way
but with joy our hearts can say
yes, our hearts can say
never once did we ever walk alone
never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
never once did we ever walk alone
never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
scars and struggles on the way
scars and struggles on the way
but with joy our hearts can say
never once did we ever walk alone
carried by Your constant grace
held within Your perfect peace
never once, no, we never walk alone
never once did we ever walk alone
never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
-- never once, matt redman
6.19.2012
fear
i'm supposed to be going to bed. well, i am in bed but i'm nowhere near exhaustion, which is what's required these days for me to fall asleep.
sigh. i just set my alarm clock for the first time in nearly 4 months. i worked so many hours that i would get home around 11 and just crash til my body woke up at 9. and another thing - before all that insanity, i used to set my alarm for 8 to roll out the door at 8:10 to be at work for 8:20-ish. if i miss anything about my last job, it's uniforms. yeah yeah. they were ugly and uncomfortable but at least they required absolutely no thought at all.
i had a feeling this would be a whiny-ish post. sorry. let's see if it takes us anywhere constructive.
i've been in this mood all day. i went to sleep last night, thankful for constant provision, and woke up this morning to the thought of, "oh shit. cameron likes coun--- COUNTRY --- music. oh shit shit shit." and that thought, of course, set me off on the tip of a spiral of pissed-off-edness. eh, well. grief comes in waves and it's disingenuous to lead you to believe that i'm ok all the time. because i definitely am not. most of the time, but definitely not all. today was a wallow-in-self-pity-on-the-brink-of-spirally day.
i'm trying to change that tonight. self-pity is selfish and shallow and so... annoying. trust me - i'm annoyed with myself. you can be too. it's totally ok.
so what set me off was being subject to country music all day. that thought makes me want to shoot someone. i absolutely abhor, no loathe, no. what's the word? I CAN'T FUCKING STAND COUNTRY MUSIC. how's that for using my stellar vocabulary? mom would be proud.
anyway. it's funny what's bothering me about going back to BPBR. it's not time-clocks or stoned college kid coworkers or even being a peon after being the boss. it's frigging country music. so what's up with that? i grew up listening to it. i owned an 8-track of john denver's greatest hits and knew more willie nelson when i was 7 than most people do in a lifetime (thanks, dad). seven spanish angels, anyone? no?
ahhh. anyway. i listened to all forms of that crap all the way through my teens. my 20's were mostly grunge. somewhere in my early 30's i realized how... self-centered and small the country music genre is and it made me mad and sad at the same time. forget the stereotypical "my dog ran off and so did my wife i'll pay you for the dog and to keep the wife" crap. although that is pretty terrible. it's not even real. well, maybe there are folks out there who live that kind of life but who does so ON PURPOSE? and SINGS about it? GLORIFIES it? IMMORTALIZES it in song and in radio waves that travel only God knows how far into the universe? we even subject whoever inhabits the far reaches of space with that crap. i'm hopeful that tolkien's description of the angelic hosts singing in the early hours of creation (the silmarillion, page 3) is true and their voices drown out all the noise we send out.
oh yeah - fair warning - this blog is likely to become less and less politically correct. in case you haven't noticed that yet. i'd say i'm sorry to offend you, but that would be disingenuous too. not that my intent is to offend; my intent is to provoke you to think for yourself. it always has been.
so back to psycho-analyzing my reaction to country music. taking a stab at the obvious psychology, i'd say that this level of extreme negative reaction to something so seemingly innocuous as a music genre is rooted, as most things are, in fear. how's that for pulling wisdom outta nowhere?
so what do i fear? well, quite a lot of things, actually, although most would be surprised to hear me admit that. i seem to put off this... essence? of fearlessness. am i not the one who has "valiant one" TATTOOED on her back? as in a name bestowed by God Himself? yep, that's me. i can give you a long list of things i do not fear but what's the fun in that? let's hack away into the deep recesses of my psyche to see what's behind this fear that's masking as hatred of country music. goody. i'm sure i'll sleep much better once this is all out.
mediocrity. smallness - life, not stature. failure. repeated failure. lack of control of my surroundings. lack of control of my circumstances, for that matter. being one step away from homelessness. not being loved. not loving well. not being valued. definitely not being known. and being known. (that's a cruel double-edged sword i'll leave alone for tonight.) not leaving this world better than i found it. that i care too much about the land and not enough about people. not being able to hear His voice or worship Him fully and whole-heartedly. ah, the tears come and tonight, they are not cathartic. it doesn't help that i have "to the wild country" playing in my mind.
so how does one get from fear to hatred? of all the answers rushing to flow through these fingertips, only one is correct: eyes inward. not outward. not upward. faithless.
ouch. brutally honest even now. surprised? i didn't think so.
i could wrap this up with religious platitude. i could quote 15 scriptures off the top of my head that would make all of us feel better. but i find myself strangely resistant to make it that... thoughtless. and by "thoughtless" i mean "without thought". rote.
i need a JC reframe. in place of that, i sit hear with heart ruthlessly exposed and no shalom. the hounds are at bay for the moment... i can hear them, but they can't get through the door. i had a friend who used to bookend whoever or whatever she was praying for with Jesus, making a prayer out of simple sentence structure. example: Jesus ann Jesus. see? isn't that beautiful in its simplicity? i tweaked it a bit through the years, as it seems to help me truly place the Cross between me and all others, and place it before and behind those i pray for.
i used to be, and suppose i still am, considered to be somewhat of a prayer warrior, although in all honesty, that has not been true of me for quite some time. maybe the place to start again is here:
JESUS ann JESUS fear JESUS country music JESUS.
sigh. i just set my alarm clock for the first time in nearly 4 months. i worked so many hours that i would get home around 11 and just crash til my body woke up at 9. and another thing - before all that insanity, i used to set my alarm for 8 to roll out the door at 8:10 to be at work for 8:20-ish. if i miss anything about my last job, it's uniforms. yeah yeah. they were ugly and uncomfortable but at least they required absolutely no thought at all.
i had a feeling this would be a whiny-ish post. sorry. let's see if it takes us anywhere constructive.
i've been in this mood all day. i went to sleep last night, thankful for constant provision, and woke up this morning to the thought of, "oh shit. cameron likes coun--- COUNTRY --- music. oh shit shit shit." and that thought, of course, set me off on the tip of a spiral of pissed-off-edness. eh, well. grief comes in waves and it's disingenuous to lead you to believe that i'm ok all the time. because i definitely am not. most of the time, but definitely not all. today was a wallow-in-self-pity-on-the-brink-of-spirally day.
i'm trying to change that tonight. self-pity is selfish and shallow and so... annoying. trust me - i'm annoyed with myself. you can be too. it's totally ok.
so what set me off was being subject to country music all day. that thought makes me want to shoot someone. i absolutely abhor, no loathe, no. what's the word? I CAN'T FUCKING STAND COUNTRY MUSIC. how's that for using my stellar vocabulary? mom would be proud.
anyway. it's funny what's bothering me about going back to BPBR. it's not time-clocks or stoned college kid coworkers or even being a peon after being the boss. it's frigging country music. so what's up with that? i grew up listening to it. i owned an 8-track of john denver's greatest hits and knew more willie nelson when i was 7 than most people do in a lifetime (thanks, dad). seven spanish angels, anyone? no?
ahhh. anyway. i listened to all forms of that crap all the way through my teens. my 20's were mostly grunge. somewhere in my early 30's i realized how... self-centered and small the country music genre is and it made me mad and sad at the same time. forget the stereotypical "my dog ran off and so did my wife i'll pay you for the dog and to keep the wife" crap. although that is pretty terrible. it's not even real. well, maybe there are folks out there who live that kind of life but who does so ON PURPOSE? and SINGS about it? GLORIFIES it? IMMORTALIZES it in song and in radio waves that travel only God knows how far into the universe? we even subject whoever inhabits the far reaches of space with that crap. i'm hopeful that tolkien's description of the angelic hosts singing in the early hours of creation (the silmarillion, page 3) is true and their voices drown out all the noise we send out.
oh yeah - fair warning - this blog is likely to become less and less politically correct. in case you haven't noticed that yet. i'd say i'm sorry to offend you, but that would be disingenuous too. not that my intent is to offend; my intent is to provoke you to think for yourself. it always has been.
so back to psycho-analyzing my reaction to country music. taking a stab at the obvious psychology, i'd say that this level of extreme negative reaction to something so seemingly innocuous as a music genre is rooted, as most things are, in fear. how's that for pulling wisdom outta nowhere?
so what do i fear? well, quite a lot of things, actually, although most would be surprised to hear me admit that. i seem to put off this... essence? of fearlessness. am i not the one who has "valiant one" TATTOOED on her back? as in a name bestowed by God Himself? yep, that's me. i can give you a long list of things i do not fear but what's the fun in that? let's hack away into the deep recesses of my psyche to see what's behind this fear that's masking as hatred of country music. goody. i'm sure i'll sleep much better once this is all out.
mediocrity. smallness - life, not stature. failure. repeated failure. lack of control of my surroundings. lack of control of my circumstances, for that matter. being one step away from homelessness. not being loved. not loving well. not being valued. definitely not being known. and being known. (that's a cruel double-edged sword i'll leave alone for tonight.) not leaving this world better than i found it. that i care too much about the land and not enough about people. not being able to hear His voice or worship Him fully and whole-heartedly. ah, the tears come and tonight, they are not cathartic. it doesn't help that i have "to the wild country" playing in my mind.
so how does one get from fear to hatred? of all the answers rushing to flow through these fingertips, only one is correct: eyes inward. not outward. not upward. faithless.
ouch. brutally honest even now. surprised? i didn't think so.
i could wrap this up with religious platitude. i could quote 15 scriptures off the top of my head that would make all of us feel better. but i find myself strangely resistant to make it that... thoughtless. and by "thoughtless" i mean "without thought". rote.
i need a JC reframe. in place of that, i sit hear with heart ruthlessly exposed and no shalom. the hounds are at bay for the moment... i can hear them, but they can't get through the door. i had a friend who used to bookend whoever or whatever she was praying for with Jesus, making a prayer out of simple sentence structure. example: Jesus ann Jesus. see? isn't that beautiful in its simplicity? i tweaked it a bit through the years, as it seems to help me truly place the Cross between me and all others, and place it before and behind those i pray for.
i used to be, and suppose i still am, considered to be somewhat of a prayer warrior, although in all honesty, that has not been true of me for quite some time. maybe the place to start again is here:
JESUS ann JESUS fear JESUS country music JESUS.
6.06.2012
again
i started running again today.
there is such VICTORY in that simple sentence. it feels like REDEMPTION. like somehow, all that's happened in my past has been undone. no, not undone. FORGIVEN. REDEEMED.
HOPE.
strength and courage, friends. or should i say STRENGTH and COURAGE? yes, i believe so.
i know a PEACE tonight that i've not known in a very long time. i've been spending these late hours wrapped in anxiety and dread. but not tonight. maybe it's the endorphins. maybe it's the SATISFACTION of having begun a NEW NORMAL. or maybe it's the realization that my slate has been wiped CLEAN - that i can do and be ANYTHING and ANYONE i want. such FREEDOM in those statements. i can start COMPLETELY OVER. again.
and here's the thing - that's not written with an ounce of bitterness. that's written with JOY so... strangely out of place that i know it's HOLY. there was a time in the not-so-distant past where major life events sent me reeling, sometimes for years. but not anymore. not this time. not ever again.
i started running again today.
6.08.2008
deeper still
[i guess i should catch you up on where i am in my story. currently, i am taking a summer class at LUMCON in cocodrie. it's a coral reef ecology class and it's been an amazing time so far. next week, we head to the keys to snorkel several reefs.]
i've known since i applied for this class earlier in the year that it was divinely appointed. somewhere in the past week, i realized that this will be the first time i've been in the keys since the last time i went diving on the reefs with my dad 20 years ago. as that realization settles in my heart, it's become increasing more tender and i know that the Lord is pressing into the deeper places of my heart, deeper into the wounds of loss, abandonment and the messages and agreements that go along with such wounds.
this knowledge came into stark relief this morning. i've made friends here; friends from all over the country - students from various universities and states, guys from wood's hole at cape cod, research vessel captains and mates, security guards, kitchen staff... anyway, it's been a neat experience to have the opportunity to talk with these folks, hear their stories, gain insight into their work or research... it's been a lot of fun.
i watched 8 of them leave harbor this morning. 4 on a research vessel, going 60 miles out to deploy an AUV glider into the depths of the gulf of mexico and 4 who are headed about 6 miles out to some of our barrier islands to research the feasibility of re-establishing populations of colonial nesting birds.
i prayed as i watched them leave, for safety, against the mental approach of "one more run" and for Jesus to romance them in ways that speak specifically to their hearts. and as i watched and prayed, tears came unbidden and silently. and that spoke of something deeper going on in my heart.
as with anything that pertains to the issues of the heart, there are many layers and depth that, as i sit here, i'm trying to understand. watching people i know putting out to sea is one. there is fear that they won't come back, that something will happen. the sea can be an unforgiving place. and then there is the ache of wanting to be on board, sharing in the adventure set before them - the longing for more. ache and desire.
i watched them leave harbor and head south, and as they disappeared from sight and i was left standing on the dock, i had a sense of... isolation? loneliness? fear? anticipation? i really don't know. all of those words seem a bit over-stated. i wasn't enveloped in grief or anything close to that. i just was. in that moment and the moments that followed, i just ached, on a lot of levels. but it was a glimmer of ache - a hint of what may come as the Lord presses deeper still into the young and tender places of my heart.
i love that He doesn't leave us in our current state of healing and restoration. about 2 years ago, i dealt with the grief of losing my dad at sea, and my heart was held and healed by Jesus. and i probably could have spent the rest of my time on earth happy with that level of healing. i love how the Lord wants more. more healing for me, more of my heart surrendered to Him. He knows that i desire LIFE, and to get there, to remain there, requires me to continue to allow Him to bind up the broken places, to set more of my heart free.
whatever He's up to, i know this - it's good. it's necessary. and it's going to be ok.
so yes. come, Lord Jesus. yes, let's go deeper still... into my heart, and Yours. and may You receive all glory and honor and praise. amen.
i've known since i applied for this class earlier in the year that it was divinely appointed. somewhere in the past week, i realized that this will be the first time i've been in the keys since the last time i went diving on the reefs with my dad 20 years ago. as that realization settles in my heart, it's become increasing more tender and i know that the Lord is pressing into the deeper places of my heart, deeper into the wounds of loss, abandonment and the messages and agreements that go along with such wounds.
this knowledge came into stark relief this morning. i've made friends here; friends from all over the country - students from various universities and states, guys from wood's hole at cape cod, research vessel captains and mates, security guards, kitchen staff... anyway, it's been a neat experience to have the opportunity to talk with these folks, hear their stories, gain insight into their work or research... it's been a lot of fun.
i watched 8 of them leave harbor this morning. 4 on a research vessel, going 60 miles out to deploy an AUV glider into the depths of the gulf of mexico and 4 who are headed about 6 miles out to some of our barrier islands to research the feasibility of re-establishing populations of colonial nesting birds.
i prayed as i watched them leave, for safety, against the mental approach of "one more run" and for Jesus to romance them in ways that speak specifically to their hearts. and as i watched and prayed, tears came unbidden and silently. and that spoke of something deeper going on in my heart.
as with anything that pertains to the issues of the heart, there are many layers and depth that, as i sit here, i'm trying to understand. watching people i know putting out to sea is one. there is fear that they won't come back, that something will happen. the sea can be an unforgiving place. and then there is the ache of wanting to be on board, sharing in the adventure set before them - the longing for more. ache and desire.
i watched them leave harbor and head south, and as they disappeared from sight and i was left standing on the dock, i had a sense of... isolation? loneliness? fear? anticipation? i really don't know. all of those words seem a bit over-stated. i wasn't enveloped in grief or anything close to that. i just was. in that moment and the moments that followed, i just ached, on a lot of levels. but it was a glimmer of ache - a hint of what may come as the Lord presses deeper still into the young and tender places of my heart.
i love that He doesn't leave us in our current state of healing and restoration. about 2 years ago, i dealt with the grief of losing my dad at sea, and my heart was held and healed by Jesus. and i probably could have spent the rest of my time on earth happy with that level of healing. i love how the Lord wants more. more healing for me, more of my heart surrendered to Him. He knows that i desire LIFE, and to get there, to remain there, requires me to continue to allow Him to bind up the broken places, to set more of my heart free.
whatever He's up to, i know this - it's good. it's necessary. and it's going to be ok.
so yes. come, Lord Jesus. yes, let's go deeper still... into my heart, and Yours. and may You receive all glory and honor and praise. amen.
4.18.2008
perspective, 3
[so it's been awhile since i've written anything in this series, but i'm listening to satellite radio in my office and this song just came on. view it through the lens of singing to Him... how cool is that? yes, i realize that He is risen and alive, but humor me... i think it's a beautiful picture of what our hearts really yearn for... the One who was, who is and is to come.]
maybe in another life
i could find You there
pulled away before Your time
i can't deal it's so unfair
and it feels
and it feels like
heaven's so far away
and it feels
yeah it feels like
the world has grown cold
now that You've gone away
leaving flowers on Your grave
show that i still care
but black roses and hail marys
can't bring back what's taken from me
i reach to the sky
and call out Your name
and if i could trade
i would
and it feels
and it feels like
heaven's so far away
and it stings
yeah it stings now
the world is so cold
now that You've gone away
-- gone away by the offspring
maybe in another life
i could find You there
pulled away before Your time
i can't deal it's so unfair
and it feels
and it feels like
heaven's so far away
and it feels
yeah it feels like
the world has grown cold
now that You've gone away
leaving flowers on Your grave
show that i still care
but black roses and hail marys
can't bring back what's taken from me
i reach to the sky
and call out Your name
and if i could trade
i would
and it feels
and it feels like
heaven's so far away
and it stings
yeah it stings now
the world is so cold
now that You've gone away
-- gone away by the offspring
3.31.2008
dad
from Shooting the Pistol - Courtside Photos of Pete Maravich at LSU by Danny Brown:
[for me to immortalize my dad in writing is one thing. to have someone else do it is quite another story...]
I need to make special mention here of Baton Rouge State-Times staff photographer Charles Gerald. He began work at the newspaper in December 1967 and became my best friend. Charlie and I remained very close until his death in December 1990, when he and his boat were lost at sea off Miami in bad weather conditions. He was simply the best photographer I have ever met. He had an eye that could see a photo where none was apparent, and that one photo would tell the whole story of what he was covering. He won numerous awards from the news services in many different catagories. I learned a lot from Charlie.
...
And although I would like to think of myself as a great photographer, I'm really not. At least not on the level of those friends I mentioned above, particularly Charlie Gerald.
...
and... the best for last - at least for me - there's a picture of my dad on page 92 between the T and the O. yeah, that's him with the long sideburns looking cooler than cool. i KNEW i got it from somewhere...
[for me to immortalize my dad in writing is one thing. to have someone else do it is quite another story...]
I need to make special mention here of Baton Rouge State-Times staff photographer Charles Gerald. He began work at the newspaper in December 1967 and became my best friend. Charlie and I remained very close until his death in December 1990, when he and his boat were lost at sea off Miami in bad weather conditions. He was simply the best photographer I have ever met. He had an eye that could see a photo where none was apparent, and that one photo would tell the whole story of what he was covering. He won numerous awards from the news services in many different catagories. I learned a lot from Charlie.
...
And although I would like to think of myself as a great photographer, I'm really not. At least not on the level of those friends I mentioned above, particularly Charlie Gerald.
...
and... the best for last - at least for me - there's a picture of my dad on page 92 between the T and the O. yeah, that's him with the long sideburns looking cooler than cool. i KNEW i got it from somewhere...
2.03.2008
obedience
i wonder...
does God want us to respond to Him out of a moral or religious obligation that's well-intentioned and called "obedience"?
or...
does God long for us to respond out of a deep love and need for Him in every aspect of our lives?
methinks it is the latter.
does God want us to respond to Him out of a moral or religious obligation that's well-intentioned and called "obedience"?
or...
does God long for us to respond out of a deep love and need for Him in every aspect of our lives?
methinks it is the latter.
2.02.2008
intentionality
the heart is the connecting point, the meeting place between any two persons. the kind of deep soul intimacy we crave with God and with others can be experienced only from the heart. i know a man who took his daughter to dinner; she was surprised, delighted. for years she had been hoping he would pursue her. when they had been seated, he pulled out his day timer and began to review the goals he had set for her that year. “i wanted to burst into tears and run out of the restaurant,” she said. we don’t want to be someone’s project; we want to be the desire of their heart. gerald may laments, “by worshiping efficiency, the human race has achieved the highest level of efficiency in history, but how much have we grown in love?”
we’ve done the same to our relationship with God. christians have spent their whole lives mastering all sorts of principles, done their duty, carried on the programs of their church . . . and never known God intimately, heart to heart. the point is not an efficient life of activity—the point is intimacy with God. “you will find me,” God says, “when you seek me with all your heart” (Jer. 29:13). As oswald chambers said, “so that is what faith is—God perceived by the heart.”
what more can be said, what greater case could be made than this: to find God, you must look with all your heart. to remain present to God, you must remain present to your heart. to hear his voice, you must listen with your heart. to love him, you must love with all your heart. you cannot be the person God meant you to be, and you cannot live the life he meant you to live, unless you live from the heart.
-- john eldredge, waking the dead pp 48–49 (emphasis mine)
above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
-- king soloman, proverbs 4:23
actually, that whole chapter punctuates this truth beautifully:
Wisdom Is Supreme
1 Listen, my sons, to a father's instruction;
pay attention and gain understanding.
2 I give you sound learning,
so do not forsake my teaching.
3 When I was a boy in my father's house,
still tender, and an only child of my mother,
4 he taught me and said,
"Lay hold of my words with all your heart;
keep my commands and you will live.
5 Get wisdom, get understanding;
do not forget my words or swerve from them.
6 Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
love her, and she will watch over you.
7 Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding.
8 Esteem her, and she will exalt you;
embrace her, and she will honor you.
9 She will set a garland of grace on your head
and present you with a crown of splendor."
10 Listen, my son, accept what I say,
and the years of your life will be many.
11 I guide you in the way of wisdom
and lead you along straight paths.
12 When you walk, your steps will not be hampered;
when you run, you will not stumble.
13 Hold on to instruction, do not let it go;
guard it well, for it is your life.
14 Do not set foot on the path of the wicked
or walk in the way of evil men.
15 Avoid it, do not travel on it;
turn from it and go on your way.
16 For they cannot sleep till they do evil;
they are robbed of slumber till they make someone fall.
17 They eat the bread of wickedness
and drink the wine of violence.
18 The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn,
shining ever brighter till the full light of day.
19 But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness;
they do not know what makes them stumble.
20 My son, pay attention to what I say;
listen closely to my words.
21 Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
22 for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man's whole body.
23 Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
24 Put away perversity from your mouth;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.
27 Do not swerve to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.
we’ve done the same to our relationship with God. christians have spent their whole lives mastering all sorts of principles, done their duty, carried on the programs of their church . . . and never known God intimately, heart to heart. the point is not an efficient life of activity—the point is intimacy with God. “you will find me,” God says, “when you seek me with all your heart” (Jer. 29:13). As oswald chambers said, “so that is what faith is—God perceived by the heart.”
what more can be said, what greater case could be made than this: to find God, you must look with all your heart. to remain present to God, you must remain present to your heart. to hear his voice, you must listen with your heart. to love him, you must love with all your heart. you cannot be the person God meant you to be, and you cannot live the life he meant you to live, unless you live from the heart.
-- john eldredge, waking the dead pp 48–49 (emphasis mine)
above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
-- king soloman, proverbs 4:23
actually, that whole chapter punctuates this truth beautifully:
Wisdom Is Supreme
1 Listen, my sons, to a father's instruction;
pay attention and gain understanding.
2 I give you sound learning,
so do not forsake my teaching.
3 When I was a boy in my father's house,
still tender, and an only child of my mother,
4 he taught me and said,
"Lay hold of my words with all your heart;
keep my commands and you will live.
5 Get wisdom, get understanding;
do not forget my words or swerve from them.
6 Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
love her, and she will watch over you.
7 Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding.
8 Esteem her, and she will exalt you;
embrace her, and she will honor you.
9 She will set a garland of grace on your head
and present you with a crown of splendor."
10 Listen, my son, accept what I say,
and the years of your life will be many.
11 I guide you in the way of wisdom
and lead you along straight paths.
12 When you walk, your steps will not be hampered;
when you run, you will not stumble.
13 Hold on to instruction, do not let it go;
guard it well, for it is your life.
14 Do not set foot on the path of the wicked
or walk in the way of evil men.
15 Avoid it, do not travel on it;
turn from it and go on your way.
16 For they cannot sleep till they do evil;
they are robbed of slumber till they make someone fall.
17 They eat the bread of wickedness
and drink the wine of violence.
18 The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn,
shining ever brighter till the full light of day.
19 But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness;
they do not know what makes them stumble.
20 My son, pay attention to what I say;
listen closely to my words.
21 Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart;
22 for they are life to those who find them
and health to a man's whole body.
23 Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
24 Put away perversity from your mouth;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
25 Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
26 Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.
27 Do not swerve to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.
1.28.2008
eaux!!!
i find myself in need of some laughter. thinking back over recent events that i've not shared here, deep chuckles rumble up before the thought fully forms to share a conversation with you. allow me to set the stage...
january 7, 2008. my tigers are playing for the national championship in the dome. i'm glued to the tv, with my reluctant but loyal friend beside me. we're deep into the 2nd quarter, and my tigers are getting their feet under them, settling down to play some football... and i get a text. what follows is a transcript of the ensuing hilarity. enjoy!
friends: go tigers!
us: NO!!! IT'S GEAUX TIGERS!
friend: ah, oui! j'ai oublie l'influence francais/cajun, etc... seaux, does that make it, "neaux! it's geaux tigers!"??! :PEA hee hee! weaux, i crack me up sometimes, eh?!
us: oy vey! we stand corrected, eh?
friend: ooch aye! so, here's a mix o' yiddish n sco-ish canadian, eh?
us: LOL LOL si senorita! gotta keep you on your toes...
friend: well, i am short. it's how i reach most things... glad i could make you laugh. :)
...(i'm caught up in the game at this point)...
friend: *yawn... paddle over to ann... slump n pounnnncccceee - slow motion pounce* goodnite! hope the tigers r fanfrikkintastic 2nite! !) love u! zee wittle asian canadian
us (meaning me after my tigers won): DA DA DA DAH! GEAUX TIGERS! eaux-k, now you can geaux to sleep! good night, love!
january 7, 2008. my tigers are playing for the national championship in the dome. i'm glued to the tv, with my reluctant but loyal friend beside me. we're deep into the 2nd quarter, and my tigers are getting their feet under them, settling down to play some football... and i get a text. what follows is a transcript of the ensuing hilarity. enjoy!
friends: go tigers!
us: NO!!! IT'S GEAUX TIGERS!
friend: ah, oui! j'ai oublie l'influence francais/cajun, etc... seaux, does that make it, "neaux! it's geaux tigers!"??! :PEA hee hee! weaux, i crack me up sometimes, eh?!
us: oy vey! we stand corrected, eh?
friend: ooch aye! so, here's a mix o' yiddish n sco-ish canadian, eh?
us: LOL LOL si senorita! gotta keep you on your toes...
friend: well, i am short. it's how i reach most things... glad i could make you laugh. :)
...(i'm caught up in the game at this point)...
friend: *yawn... paddle over to ann... slump n pounnnncccceee - slow motion pounce* goodnite! hope the tigers r fanfrikkintastic 2nite! !) love u! zee wittle asian canadian
us (meaning me after my tigers won): DA DA DA DAH! GEAUX TIGERS! eaux-k, now you can geaux to sleep! good night, love!
1.22.2008
gasping
[when my life seems to have come to a shuddering halt, the Lord tends to my heart in the craziest ways - sometimes a kayak, or a hair-raising rappel down a mountain face... many times He uses music. this song brings me back from the brink of desperation and despair. sound dramatic? maybe. but from this end, the stagnation is real, and ugly. i find myself gasping for Air, and Life, and Love.]
oh heart of mine
why must you stray?
from One so fair
you run away
and one more time
you have to pay
the heaviness of needless shame
oh heart of mine
come back home
you've been too long
out on your own
and He's been there all along
watching for you down the road
so come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
you are looking for
so come home running
just as you are
oh child of God
so dearly loved
and ransomed by
the Savior's blood
and called by name
daughter and son
wrapped in the robe of righteousness
--come home running by chris tomlin
oh heart of mine
why must you stray?
from One so fair
you run away
and one more time
you have to pay
the heaviness of needless shame
oh heart of mine
come back home
you've been too long
out on your own
and He's been there all along
watching for you down the road
so come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
you are looking for
so come home running
just as you are
oh child of God
so dearly loved
and ransomed by
the Savior's blood
and called by name
daughter and son
wrapped in the robe of righteousness
--come home running by chris tomlin
12.31.2007
resurrection
[i first heard this song at captivating. it pierces me... these words have the power to strip me bare, reminded of how far we've fallen from our original glory. He's used this song to keep me focused on Him - on what He's up to in my heart and in my life. it's fitting to end this year with a song that brings me close to His heart... where i belong.]
i'm at a loss for words
there's nothing to say
i sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
how did my heart become so lifeless, so cold
where did the passion go?
when all my efforts seem like chasing the wind
i've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
i've lost the feeling and i'm down to the core
i can't fake it anymore
here i am
at the end
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
what i've lost to the world
what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again
again
You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
make something beautiful
out of all this suffering
here i am
once again
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
what i've lost to the world
what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again
again
You have a way of turning winter to spring
make something beautiful
out of all this suffering
here i am
once again
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
here i am
once again
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can raise me from the dead
what i've lost to the world
what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again
again
i need...
-- resurrection by nicol sponberg
i'm at a loss for words
there's nothing to say
i sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
how did my heart become so lifeless, so cold
where did the passion go?
when all my efforts seem like chasing the wind
i've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
i've lost the feeling and i'm down to the core
i can't fake it anymore
here i am
at the end
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
what i've lost to the world
what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again
again
You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
make something beautiful
out of all this suffering
here i am
once again
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
what i've lost to the world
what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again
again
You have a way of turning winter to spring
make something beautiful
out of all this suffering
here i am
once again
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
here i am
once again
i'm in need of resurrection
only You can raise me from the dead
what i've lost to the world
what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand
and make me whole again
again
i need...
-- resurrection by nicol sponberg
12.24.2007
defiance
it seems as though this year, my life has been one of defiance. defiance for God, not from Him. i've spent my life either ignoring God, running away from Him, or more recently, running toward Him. in learning to run toward God, i've learned also what that decision, that way of life, costs those who choose it. for it is a choice.
i've chosen to defy religion. i've chosen to defy what's expected of me by the world and by the church. i've chosen His way. i've chosen Life.
that choice has cost me.
it's cost friendships. it's cost respect in the eyes of others. it's cost community. it's cost me, well... me.
living fully alive - or trying to get there and stay there - is not a la-dee-da kind of life... although it is truly the only way to really live. there are times of deep despair, and times of unspeakable joy. there is pain and sorrow. and there is adventure - heart-thudding moments of being stretched beyond already crazy limits i've set for myself. it's exhausting, this living.
but it's worth it.
that's not written lightly. it really is worth it. i'm fully cognizant of how easy it would be to give up - to settle for a life of mediocrity and death, for surely my heart would die were i to give up. i know this, and that knowledge propels me forward when it would be so much easier to just give in.
i wrote earlier this year that i intend to live my life out of bounds. and so i have. and it's been glorious. i've never traveled more extensively, loved more ferociously, hurt more significantly, been more lonely, or lived more intentionally.
were i to choose to live a "normal" christian life, i would be a blip on the radar rather than the saddle burr i've become. my life challenges those who see it, or glimpses of it, really. my heart and my life have been most correctly described as renegade. i've also been described as a bulldog. a slight nuance, but a significant one. in the times when the pain of that particular observation subsides a bit, i wonder about the state of the hearts of the observers, that they would see and interpret my heart so incredibly differently.
so again i choose Jesus. and i accept the consequences of that decision. i accept the misunderstanding, the fear, the downright dislike... and through the very human reaction of pain and isolation, my spirit rejoices that perhaps the box, if not shredded, has grown just a little. what box? the box that we've put God into. my spirit rejoices that the misunderstanding of God's heart is questioned, if just briefly.
tonight, as most everyone i know sits in church - out of love or obligation or both - i sit here, alone with my thoughts and the desires of my heart. it throbs with wonder and glee at the cunning brilliance of our God, putting into motion a plan that will ultimately cost Him His life, in order to gain back ours. my heart beats in rebellion and sadness that this night has become about salvation. so easy to make it about that, right? i understand. so much easier to grasp the idea of "your sins are forgiven" than the idea of life restored and hearts renewed, and all that will require of us.
... and i can't help but think that He's grinning, too, heart beating in love and adoration and staggering vulnerability that we are beginning to understand. the lies of the enemy are being exposed. our mistrust in the heart of God is being proved false and unfounded... again. He proved it when He slipped into the world as a babe. He proved it through the example He set with His life. He proved it when He died. He proved it when He rose. He proved it when He ascended. He proved it when He sent His Spirit. and He's been proving it ever since.
amazing. my heart stumbles over the thought of the Holy One proving Himself to anyone or anything. that He continues to do so just staggers me. He continues to defy us, the enemy and the box we keep trying to put Him in. is it such a difficult thought to think that the God who lives a life of defiance calls us to live such a life, as well?
i've chosen to defy religion. i've chosen to defy what's expected of me by the world and by the church. i've chosen His way. i've chosen Life.
that choice has cost me.
it's cost friendships. it's cost respect in the eyes of others. it's cost community. it's cost me, well... me.
living fully alive - or trying to get there and stay there - is not a la-dee-da kind of life... although it is truly the only way to really live. there are times of deep despair, and times of unspeakable joy. there is pain and sorrow. and there is adventure - heart-thudding moments of being stretched beyond already crazy limits i've set for myself. it's exhausting, this living.
but it's worth it.
that's not written lightly. it really is worth it. i'm fully cognizant of how easy it would be to give up - to settle for a life of mediocrity and death, for surely my heart would die were i to give up. i know this, and that knowledge propels me forward when it would be so much easier to just give in.
i wrote earlier this year that i intend to live my life out of bounds. and so i have. and it's been glorious. i've never traveled more extensively, loved more ferociously, hurt more significantly, been more lonely, or lived more intentionally.
were i to choose to live a "normal" christian life, i would be a blip on the radar rather than the saddle burr i've become. my life challenges those who see it, or glimpses of it, really. my heart and my life have been most correctly described as renegade. i've also been described as a bulldog. a slight nuance, but a significant one. in the times when the pain of that particular observation subsides a bit, i wonder about the state of the hearts of the observers, that they would see and interpret my heart so incredibly differently.
so again i choose Jesus. and i accept the consequences of that decision. i accept the misunderstanding, the fear, the downright dislike... and through the very human reaction of pain and isolation, my spirit rejoices that perhaps the box, if not shredded, has grown just a little. what box? the box that we've put God into. my spirit rejoices that the misunderstanding of God's heart is questioned, if just briefly.
tonight, as most everyone i know sits in church - out of love or obligation or both - i sit here, alone with my thoughts and the desires of my heart. it throbs with wonder and glee at the cunning brilliance of our God, putting into motion a plan that will ultimately cost Him His life, in order to gain back ours. my heart beats in rebellion and sadness that this night has become about salvation. so easy to make it about that, right? i understand. so much easier to grasp the idea of "your sins are forgiven" than the idea of life restored and hearts renewed, and all that will require of us.
... and i can't help but think that He's grinning, too, heart beating in love and adoration and staggering vulnerability that we are beginning to understand. the lies of the enemy are being exposed. our mistrust in the heart of God is being proved false and unfounded... again. He proved it when He slipped into the world as a babe. He proved it through the example He set with His life. He proved it when He died. He proved it when He rose. He proved it when He ascended. He proved it when He sent His Spirit. and He's been proving it ever since.
amazing. my heart stumbles over the thought of the Holy One proving Himself to anyone or anything. that He continues to do so just staggers me. He continues to defy us, the enemy and the box we keep trying to put Him in. is it such a difficult thought to think that the God who lives a life of defiance calls us to live such a life, as well?
12.21.2007
mythic
allow me, then, to review what we have encountered. first, our lives are not a random series of events; they tell a Story that has meaning. we aren’t in a movie we’ve arrived at twenty minutes late; we are in a Sacred Romance. there really is something wonderful that draws our heart; we are being wooed. but there is also something fearful. we face an enemy with vile intentions. is anyone in charge? someone strong and kind who notices us? at some point we have all answered that question “no” and gone on to live in a smaller story. but the answer is “yes”—there is someone strong and kind who notices us. our Story is written by God, who is more than author, he is the romantic lead in our personal dramas. he created us for himself, and now he is moving heaven and earth to restore us to his side. his wooing seems wild because he seeks to free our heart from the attachments and addictions we’ve chosen, thanks to the Arrows we’ve known.
and we—who are we, really? we are not pond scum, nor are we the lead in the story. we are the Beloved; our hearts are the most important thing about us, and our desire is wild because it is made for a wild God. we are the Beloved, and we are addicted. we’ve either given our heart to other lovers and can’t get out of the relationships, or we’ve tried our best to kill desire (often with the help of others) and live lives of safe, orderly control. either way, we play into the hands of the one who hates us. satan is the mortal enemy of God and therefore ours as well, who comes with offers of less-wild lovers, hoping to deceive us in order to destroy our heart and thus prevent our salvation or cripple our sanctification. these are the stage, the characters, and the plot in the broadest possible terms. where do we go from here?
-- john eldredge (the sacred romance pp 147-148)
and we—who are we, really? we are not pond scum, nor are we the lead in the story. we are the Beloved; our hearts are the most important thing about us, and our desire is wild because it is made for a wild God. we are the Beloved, and we are addicted. we’ve either given our heart to other lovers and can’t get out of the relationships, or we’ve tried our best to kill desire (often with the help of others) and live lives of safe, orderly control. either way, we play into the hands of the one who hates us. satan is the mortal enemy of God and therefore ours as well, who comes with offers of less-wild lovers, hoping to deceive us in order to destroy our heart and thus prevent our salvation or cripple our sanctification. these are the stage, the characters, and the plot in the broadest possible terms. where do we go from here?
-- john eldredge (the sacred romance pp 147-148)
12.02.2007
Godhead
november 3, 2007. i was in jacksonville, visiting a friend and tending to my heart. hurricane noel had just brushed by, and we were on ponte vedra beach, looking for whatever had been uncovered or washed ashore by the wind and waves. i was looking at a small cliff created by severe beach erosion, looking backwards through time, exposed by the different layers of the collapse.
(this is the same beach i was... summoned to in the summer of 2006. it lies along the same body of water where my father was lost at sea some 16 years ago. He healed much in my heart that summer. this beach has become ours.)
as i tarried, i asked the Lord what He wanted to show me that day. He said, "I am faithful and true." i agreed with Him, praising Him that i know that to be true.
He said, "NO. I am Faithful and True." ahhh... got it. "yes, Lord, You are." and i got the sense that i was speaking to more than Jesus, my friend, or Jesus, my ally, or even Abba, my Father.
i felt prompted to look down and to the right, and i saw something old - very old... (as in 10,000 years old... a pleistocene-era upper right molar of a horse, as it turns out) i picked it up, and He said, "AND I am Ancient, as well."
to say i almost fell flat on my face is an understatement. my heart sang even as i trembled in the very real presence of the Holy of Holies - the Ancient of Days - the Most High God... the Godhead, three in one.
Faithful. True. Ancient.
Father. Son. Holy Spirit.
i am trembling, even now, as i type this a month later.
(this is the same beach i was... summoned to in the summer of 2006. it lies along the same body of water where my father was lost at sea some 16 years ago. He healed much in my heart that summer. this beach has become ours.)
as i tarried, i asked the Lord what He wanted to show me that day. He said, "I am faithful and true." i agreed with Him, praising Him that i know that to be true.
He said, "NO. I am Faithful and True." ahhh... got it. "yes, Lord, You are." and i got the sense that i was speaking to more than Jesus, my friend, or Jesus, my ally, or even Abba, my Father.
i felt prompted to look down and to the right, and i saw something old - very old... (as in 10,000 years old... a pleistocene-era upper right molar of a horse, as it turns out) i picked it up, and He said, "AND I am Ancient, as well."
to say i almost fell flat on my face is an understatement. my heart sang even as i trembled in the very real presence of the Holy of Holies - the Ancient of Days - the Most High God... the Godhead, three in one.
Faithful. True. Ancient.
Father. Son. Holy Spirit.
i am trembling, even now, as i type this a month later.
11.19.2007
rise
we are now far into this Epic that every great story points to. we have reached the moment where we, too, must find our courage and rise up to recover our hearts and fight for the hearts of others. the hour is late, and much time has been wasted. aslan is on the move; we must rally to him at the stone table. we must find geppetto lost at sea. we must ride hard, ride to minas tirith and join the last great battle for middle earth.
Jesus calls to you to be his intimate ally once more. there are great things to be done and great sacrifices to be made. you won’t lose heart if you know what’s really going on here, where this Story is headed and what your Lover has promised to you.
it is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. it is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. it is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name . . . that is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is that it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still. (telling the truth)
this is the gospel.
this is the Story we are living in.
may you play your part well.
-- john eldredge (epic, 103, 104)
Jesus calls to you to be his intimate ally once more. there are great things to be done and great sacrifices to be made. you won’t lose heart if you know what’s really going on here, where this Story is headed and what your Lover has promised to you.
it is a world of magic and mystery, of deep darkness and flickering starlight. it is a world where terrible things happen and wonderful things too. it is a world where goodness is pitted against evil, love against hate, order against chaos, in a great struggle where often it is hard to be sure who belongs to which side because appearances are endlessly deceptive. yet for all its confusion and wildness, it is a world where the battle goes ultimately to the good, who live happily ever after, and where in the long run everybody, good and evil alike, becomes known by his true name . . . that is the fairy tale of the Gospel with, of course, one crucial difference from all other fairy tales, which is that the claim made for it is that it is true, that it not only happened once upon a time but has kept on happening ever since and is happening still. (telling the truth)
this is the gospel.
this is the Story we are living in.
may you play your part well.
-- john eldredge (epic, 103, 104)
10.27.2007
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