come away

i had chosen not to write this post, but it has stayed on my heart and comes repeatedly to mind, so i figure i need to see it in writing, or i'm meant to share it with you. you should know by now that i do not fear transparency, but i think i hesitated to write this one because i know how much i am loved by my community - if i had written this when it happened, you guys would have been beating down my door to stage an intervention.

got your attention yet? good. the claim i make on my blogger profile - you know, the one that says i'm too serious most of the time? true enough, but this is more serious than most. ready?

i've been going through a hard time this year. it's been a struggle. but it had not really descended into depression until the summer. i was in pretty bad shape - not able to get out of bed, not caring if i got out of bed, for that matter. headaches all the time, crying every day, blanketed by a hopelessness totally uncharacteristic for me - all this to the point where even my mom and my sister had never seen me that way, and didn't quite know what to do with me.

i was thoroughly sick of myself, my situation, my life, my struggles - all of it. i found myself in the Word one night, trying to backtrack to the point in my life where things had really gone wrong. i was thinking back to early march when i was looking for a house to buy for me and mom. had i gone wrong there? should i not have called off the house hunt when i found out i was losing my job? should i have trusted the Lord to provide and just stayed on the path i believe He had sent me down? confused, i was praying specifically about the house and told the Lord the i really needed to hear from Him. i flipped open my Bible and landed in 2 kings 20:1 -

In those days, Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz went to him and said, "This is what the LORD says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover."

my reaction? i laughed. hard. i thought to myself, well that's fine. going home to Jesus sounds a whole lot better than staying here... then it struck me - i was actually ok with dying, rather than living one more second inside this body and this life. not suicidal, just ok with the thought of dying. you can say that got my attention...

wondering why He would send me to that passage - i mean, really, how often does the word in your mind actually end up in the passage you turn to? - i read the whole thing to get the context:

In those days, Hezekiah became ill and was at the point of death. The prophet Isaiah son of Amoz went to him and said, "This is what the LORD says: Put your house in order, because you are going to die; you will not recover."

Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the LORD, "Remember, O LORD, how I have walked before you faithfully and with wholehearted devotion and have done what is good in your eyes." And Hezekiah wept bitterly.

Before Isaiah had left the middle court, the word of the LORD came to him: "Go back and tell Hezekiah, the leader of my people, 'This is what the LORD, the God of your father David says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you. On the third day from now you will go up to the temple of the LORD. I will add fifteen years to your life." 1:1-6

my reaction? i didn't want those 15 years - not one second of them. here is a perfect example of intercession - dude prayed for himself and was allowed to intercede for himself - and i wanted nothing to do with it. let me just say that, as the reality of my state of mind sank in, it scared the crap out of me.

it scared me enough to send me all the way to florida in a very short period of time. the few people i did tell about it, i downplayed it big-time. but the ugly, scary truth was that i had to seek out the Lord, and i had to do it right away. as John Eldredge writes in Waking the Dead, He leads us away, to a quiet place, to restore our soul. (psalm 23) this was not a 'hit your face in the bedroom or prayer closet' crisis - i had to be willing to do anything He asked of me to go to Him. i had to suck up the cost of a plane ticket and put aside all reservations i had about going (hello? unemployed here!). i had to go away, to come aside, to get away from everyone and everything, and go to the Lord. i also had to be willing to listen, and to allow Him to do whatever it was He wanted to accomplish in me. the other posts about the trip go into more detail about the work He did in my life, but that's not what He wants from this post.

i think the point is this - we need... no. we must - stop. we must stop believing that we can do this on our own. we must stop believing the lie that we can't afford the time or the money to go away. it is critical, to our lives and to our relationship with the Lord. we must stop believing the lie that things will fall apart if we go away. i really hate to break it to you, but if the Lord calls you away, the world here is not going to stop functioning in your absence. in fact, we will be better off once you return, restored and renewed in your faith and love for Him, and in the work He has called you to. we need all of you, not a burnt-out shell of you.

He has called me away, one more time. i have learned to listen to Him, to realize that He wants something from me - that He desires time with me. will the bank still want to interview me when i get back? maybe. if it's of Him, then yes. my obedience is not going to screw up my chances for employment here - it will bring me the clarity and healing that i so desperately desire. after all, we are talking about the God of the Universe here. God Almighty, the Maker of heaven and earth. The Creator. The Sovereign Lord. The Lord of Hosts (angel armies). Yeah, He's got me covered.

I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you. Be strong and courageous...
-God (Joshua 1:5-6 - NASB)