i want to tell you a story - a story of God's faithfulness and intimate counsel, of His personal tending to my heart.
i fell in love today.
i fell in love all over again with the Story, the Battle, the Adventure, and the Warrior God who is so recklessly passionate and unashamedly lavish with His love.
as evidenced by the past several posts, i have been in need of a reminder of Who my life is about... and i needed to be reminded that i am on this journey intentionally - deliberately. there are characters in this story, most of whom i have not even met... so typical of the Lord to use "random" strangers in my life to bring me back to Him. this cast includes mike and deb, and brian and deann... and me and the Lord.
the story goes like this... enter mike, whom i met at the retreat. he has kept up with me faithfully, spurring me on toward Jesus. one day while he is rebuilding his wife's blog folder, mike is prompted to introduce me to brian, a friend and ally. through this seemingly random introduction, the Lord arranged a very personal encounter with Himself, using the words and heart of this stranger... and the gentle reminder that i so desperately needed wrapped around my heart. the Lord accomplished this through a fellow sojourner, a fellow warrior, a true follower of the Way. in his own words, a disciple of Jesus...
my heart has settled once again. my vision is less cloudy, my fear and uncertainty fading away. yes, the road is long and the battle fierce, but they are worth every heartbeat and tear shed along the way...
Jesus is beckoning. i dare not tell Him no. to do so would be to deny my heart, and thus deny Life in all the fullness He intends. to not take my place in the Story is unimaginable.
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. - 1 corinthians 15:58
11.28.2006
11.26.2006
beautiful
note to self - my life is not about me. if i EVER get that to sink in... sheesh.
the reason i was in a funk all weekend was made apparent as soon as josh told us at 5:45 prayer what he was going to be speaking about tonight. he does this to help guide our prayers as we prepare the room for His presence and His kids. it was like a lightbulb going off - instant knowledge that made me want to slap my forehead and say, "DUH!" my funk was less about me and more about what josh spoke about tonight. sin and temptation, that we are at war, that we are to fight for one another, and to allow Him to fight for us.
i am spiritually off the charts right now, though sadly enough, i forget that on a pretty regular basis. i need to write on my mirror, "IS THIS ABOUT YOU?" more often than not, it has very little to do with me and everything to do with those i intercede for. even possessing this knowledge, i tend to turn the lens inward and apply what i battle to my own circumstances, instead of 1) trusting Him with my situation, and 2) asking Him to show me what a particular funk is about.
tonight was fantastic. yes, i realize that it's no surprise to you that i am pumped anytime i learn more about prayer, about the battle, about how to pray for one another... but i am even more pumped that our Body learned more about these things. as an intercessor, i'm wired differently. i go to battle on a regular basis. i see demons, i have visions - "freaky" stuff that is scary to most people. to have this Body more equipped to fight for one another is... beautiful. to see hearts ready and willing to fight for one another is even more beautiful. as i stood in the back of the room, praying with and for this Body, the Lord solidified in my heart the reality of my role at the ring. (yes, i knew it all along, but to have Him hammer me over the head and straight into my heart is quite different...) i was shaking and crying - overcome with love for Him, for this Body, for this church - our church - HIS church... which brings up huge questions about seattle, but i am taking those thoughts captive this night. that's for another day.
another thing that was so very cool about tonight was that there was the "old-school ring" feel to it. there was a joy, a freedom in worship, a tight unity within the Body that we have been praying for since the beginning. don't get me wrong - we still have these elements every sunday night - but tonight was different somehow. tonight was about us living out acts 2:42 as a unified Body. as a new church, with new people coming in the doors, it can't be helped that there is some loss of identity for a time... it seemed to me, at least, that this Body is unified once more. we have our identity back - changed, but intact. the newer members of our community experienced the heart of the ring - the heart that i fell in love with over 3 years ago. our heartbeat is for Him, and everything about tonight screamed that Truth. it was fantastic - HE is fantastic.
the weekend before we launched as a "real" church, we came together corporately to pray the ring community church into existence. although there is much more detail in day 2 - pivotal, what screams at me are these words:
Afterwards, Josh pointed out the importance of this night – it is a pivotal point in the life of this church. We were allowed to be part of the group that will say, “Hey, remember when we prayed for that the Friday before launch?”
the reason i was in a funk all weekend was made apparent as soon as josh told us at 5:45 prayer what he was going to be speaking about tonight. he does this to help guide our prayers as we prepare the room for His presence and His kids. it was like a lightbulb going off - instant knowledge that made me want to slap my forehead and say, "DUH!" my funk was less about me and more about what josh spoke about tonight. sin and temptation, that we are at war, that we are to fight for one another, and to allow Him to fight for us.
i am spiritually off the charts right now, though sadly enough, i forget that on a pretty regular basis. i need to write on my mirror, "IS THIS ABOUT YOU?" more often than not, it has very little to do with me and everything to do with those i intercede for. even possessing this knowledge, i tend to turn the lens inward and apply what i battle to my own circumstances, instead of 1) trusting Him with my situation, and 2) asking Him to show me what a particular funk is about.
tonight was fantastic. yes, i realize that it's no surprise to you that i am pumped anytime i learn more about prayer, about the battle, about how to pray for one another... but i am even more pumped that our Body learned more about these things. as an intercessor, i'm wired differently. i go to battle on a regular basis. i see demons, i have visions - "freaky" stuff that is scary to most people. to have this Body more equipped to fight for one another is... beautiful. to see hearts ready and willing to fight for one another is even more beautiful. as i stood in the back of the room, praying with and for this Body, the Lord solidified in my heart the reality of my role at the ring. (yes, i knew it all along, but to have Him hammer me over the head and straight into my heart is quite different...) i was shaking and crying - overcome with love for Him, for this Body, for this church - our church - HIS church... which brings up huge questions about seattle, but i am taking those thoughts captive this night. that's for another day.
another thing that was so very cool about tonight was that there was the "old-school ring" feel to it. there was a joy, a freedom in worship, a tight unity within the Body that we have been praying for since the beginning. don't get me wrong - we still have these elements every sunday night - but tonight was different somehow. tonight was about us living out acts 2:42 as a unified Body. as a new church, with new people coming in the doors, it can't be helped that there is some loss of identity for a time... it seemed to me, at least, that this Body is unified once more. we have our identity back - changed, but intact. the newer members of our community experienced the heart of the ring - the heart that i fell in love with over 3 years ago. our heartbeat is for Him, and everything about tonight screamed that Truth. it was fantastic - HE is fantastic.
the weekend before we launched as a "real" church, we came together corporately to pray the ring community church into existence. although there is much more detail in day 2 - pivotal, what screams at me are these words:
Afterwards, Josh pointed out the importance of this night – it is a pivotal point in the life of this church. We were allowed to be part of the group that will say, “Hey, remember when we prayed for that the Friday before launch?”
burden
i probably shouldn't be writing today, but i need an outlet, and this is my blog, my place in the world where it is safe to bare my heart before my Lord.
i have become the burden that i've dreaded for so long. as mom's money runs out, and no employment doors open, i feel very much stuck. i can't move past this season and into the next. i've managed not to look at my circumstances for the past several months, but rather to look at Him instead. doing that now feels very selfish. yes, i'm aware that i'm giving some of you ammo... i really just don't care right now.
in my heart's search for life... that's a line from the daily prayer by john eldredge. i'm more like "mostly dead" as wesley was in the princess bride. or "alert and oriented times zero" as eldredge writes in waking the dead. or "flying upside down" as willard writes in the divine conspiracy. or i could use less inspired language and just flat-out say that i am tired of waiting. i'm tired of being a burden on my mom, who has already borne entirely too much in her lifetime. i'm tired of the inertia that surrounds me. i'm just tired.
i wish there were a way to dress this up, to make this less dreary and sad for those of you who love me, who are going to read this and have your hearts twinge for me. i am not looking for pity. i am not looking for encouragement. i just have to get the words and feelings out so that they don't stay in, poisoning me.
i suppose He allows us to tire ourselves, so that when He decides to act, we are too tired to fight. it seems to me that He could be more creative than that. yes, i can hear the job-esque responses already. who are you to question the Lord? who are you to pout? who are you to struggle against your circumstances? actually, who am i not to do these things? He did not create us to be robots, damn it. relationship implies reciprocity. yes, i will question Him. not with disrespect, but with a questioning heart of an image-bearer who desires to walk in fullness of life. i'm past tired of being mostly dead. i am desperate to be alive.
there is a longing in me that has awakened, and is growing day by day. is it so much to ask for a home? for a family? for a purpose? for a reason to exist? seriously, i can see His hand all over my getting laid off, over my travels this past summer and fall, over the healing and new desires of my heart. i can see all of that - but it seems as though we've come to a screeching halt - as though we were getting ramped up for something huge, then He decided to wait. i am past the point where i can make jokes about "yay unemployment!" or "yay seattle!" both said with tongue firmly planted in cheek. there is nothing funny or light-hearted about watching my mother bear the weight of my bills and hers... and my sister's and my niece's... what the crap is that about? i'm getting a clear, "what is that to you?" from Him. that speaks of His sovereignty... right now, that's not entirely comforting.
and so the battle rages. don't worry - He'll prevail - He always does. that, at least, i know to be true.
i have become the burden that i've dreaded for so long. as mom's money runs out, and no employment doors open, i feel very much stuck. i can't move past this season and into the next. i've managed not to look at my circumstances for the past several months, but rather to look at Him instead. doing that now feels very selfish. yes, i'm aware that i'm giving some of you ammo... i really just don't care right now.
in my heart's search for life... that's a line from the daily prayer by john eldredge. i'm more like "mostly dead" as wesley was in the princess bride. or "alert and oriented times zero" as eldredge writes in waking the dead. or "flying upside down" as willard writes in the divine conspiracy. or i could use less inspired language and just flat-out say that i am tired of waiting. i'm tired of being a burden on my mom, who has already borne entirely too much in her lifetime. i'm tired of the inertia that surrounds me. i'm just tired.
i wish there were a way to dress this up, to make this less dreary and sad for those of you who love me, who are going to read this and have your hearts twinge for me. i am not looking for pity. i am not looking for encouragement. i just have to get the words and feelings out so that they don't stay in, poisoning me.
i suppose He allows us to tire ourselves, so that when He decides to act, we are too tired to fight. it seems to me that He could be more creative than that. yes, i can hear the job-esque responses already. who are you to question the Lord? who are you to pout? who are you to struggle against your circumstances? actually, who am i not to do these things? He did not create us to be robots, damn it. relationship implies reciprocity. yes, i will question Him. not with disrespect, but with a questioning heart of an image-bearer who desires to walk in fullness of life. i'm past tired of being mostly dead. i am desperate to be alive.
there is a longing in me that has awakened, and is growing day by day. is it so much to ask for a home? for a family? for a purpose? for a reason to exist? seriously, i can see His hand all over my getting laid off, over my travels this past summer and fall, over the healing and new desires of my heart. i can see all of that - but it seems as though we've come to a screeching halt - as though we were getting ramped up for something huge, then He decided to wait. i am past the point where i can make jokes about "yay unemployment!" or "yay seattle!" both said with tongue firmly planted in cheek. there is nothing funny or light-hearted about watching my mother bear the weight of my bills and hers... and my sister's and my niece's... what the crap is that about? i'm getting a clear, "what is that to you?" from Him. that speaks of His sovereignty... right now, that's not entirely comforting.
and so the battle rages. don't worry - He'll prevail - He always does. that, at least, i know to be true.
11.22.2006
relief
ok, so i thought we all could use some comic relief... this is freakin' hysterical!
i found this post on the mhgs student blogs... last night, i was pensive. tonight, i think i woke up the household, laughing so hard. i love how He calms me when i'm heading for a freak-out... especially because He chose to use someone who i may actually meet and be friends with in less than a year. so i'm too serious, huh? i don't stand a chance if i'm around angela for any length of time...
i found this post on the mhgs student blogs... last night, i was pensive. tonight, i think i woke up the household, laughing so hard. i love how He calms me when i'm heading for a freak-out... especially because He chose to use someone who i may actually meet and be friends with in less than a year. so i'm too serious, huh? i don't stand a chance if i'm around angela for any length of time...
11.21.2006
bow
in ephesians 3:14, the original greek word for "kneel" is more correctly transliterated "i bow in my need for you". i love the beauty and simplicity - the humility - of that declaration. it reminds me of the scene in braveheart at murron's funeral, where wallace is on his knees before her father, in total surrender and submission.
in him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. i ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory. for this reason, i bow in my need before the Father... -- ephesians 3:12-14 (italics mine)
as i was walking along, talking to God, i crossed a small bridge, and came upon this bent aspen. (i began this story in much) i was struck by it's beauty, but did not begin to understand the full significance of what He was showing me until i was home, and visiting a friend. i was showing her the pictures from the retreat, and when we came across this one, she immediately commented that it is a beautiful example of all of creation bowing before God, undone by His majesty and splendor.
my world is changing.
fall always makes me restless and edgy. so much more so this year as this season of preparation and waiting comes to an end.
i am pensive tonight. i am beginning to get a glimpse of the Light and the darkness that await me in seattle... and i'm not sure how i feel. i recently wrote a friend that i need my heart to be steady and true as i step into this new season.
i'm beginning to understand that's not possible. i'm beginning to understand that much more brokenness is coming. this coming season is about becoming raw and ripped open - exposed.
i'm beginning to understand that i've just scratched the surface of healing, of intimacy with God, of knowing Him and being known.
i'm beginning to understand that life as i know it does not exist anymore. i'm somewhere in-between.
i'm beginning to understand that when i leave this place, i will not return the same - nor will you be the same if i see you again.
i'm beginning to understand why He has me in such a posture of humility.
i am beginning to understand.
11.07.2006
exactly
we were asked to observe covenants of silence intermittently throughout the retreat. this was a new concept for me - an intentional, volitional, unspoken agreement not to speak a word to anyone - at all. we were encouraged to seek Him however we saw fit - through prayer, meditation on His Word, sitting in His presence, walking through the mountains, worship - however we felt Him calling to us. well, now that i think about it, we celebrated the Lord's Supper at the ring a few years ago in complete silence - that was seriously intense and by far the most spiritual communion experience i have ever had... but i digress.
those times of silence were so powerful that i sit here tonight and wonder why i have not brought that intentional silence into life post-retreat. most of the time, i was actually able to shut up and listen to Him, for a change. He has much to say when i'll take the time to listen, i've discovered. we were encouraged before each time of silence to press into Him... another new concept for me. what they meant, or at least how i interpreted it, was not to just take initial silence as "I am not talking to you right now" but rather to stand your ground... to refuse to take no for an answer (unless He really meant it, and believe me, you know the difference). pressing in means to draw even closer to Him, to wait just there, heart open and thirsty for Him.
i think He really likes that. i think He enjoys us not giving up so easily. i think that He actually gets a kick out of us intentionally seeking Him, and refusing to give up... not in an arrogant way, but in a loving, longing, "i'm here and not going anywhere" kind of way. those times really made me aware of how easily i give up when i really need to hear from Him.
i think about all the times, throughout time, that He's been rejected, ignored, abused, defied, denounced... and it breaks my heart to realize how His heart must break again and again and again. i mean, really. billions of people everyday - His creation that He longs to be reconciled to, and even the ones that are - we all in some way refuse Him. it may be time, obedience, honor, our hearts, our true devotion, our true submission to His lordship, trust... it goes on and on, and it positively floors me to think about even just what the Word records about His continual effort to win back our hearts.
what an amazing thought. what a humbling thought. yeah, big sigh as i write these words...
i started this post, thinking that i was writing about silence, and what a powerful way it is to enter into His presence. then it turned to pressing into Him, and how He must really get a kick out of that. and now, i sit here, camped on this thought of His heart breaking every single day, and i can't hardly stand to type another word... and then He reminds me of the beauty of it all - the romance, the adventure, the sacrifice, the battles... the intimacy of it all - and i am floored again.
someone posed a very valid question the other day - why do i even bother with this blog? this is why. this is EXACTLY why. my love for Him, and His for us. He brings me back to Him through these words, this thought process, this intentional focus on Him. we've begun a series on prayer at the ring, and in my mind, prayer - as simple and as complicated as it seems to be - is heart to heart communication between the Lord and His kids... yes. exactly.
seek
i heard this song for the first time at community group. scott leads us in worship before we dive into each other's lives and into the material. it absolutely grabs my heart - one of these days i'm going to figure out how to actually put songs out here so you can hear and experience them with me - without me actually singing them to you - that would be bad - very bad...
this has been one of those crazy days that just seems fraught with strife - this song soothes my very unsettled soul.
the more i seek You
the more i find You
the more i find You
the more i love You
i want to sit at Your feet
drink from the cup in Your hand
lean back against You and breathe
feel Your heartbeat
this love is so deep
it's more than i can stand
i melt in Your peace
it's overwhelming
-- written (i think) by nicole c mullen for christ for the nations (http://www.cfnmusic.com/glorious.php)
this has been one of those crazy days that just seems fraught with strife - this song soothes my very unsettled soul.
the more i seek You
the more i find You
the more i find You
the more i love You
i want to sit at Your feet
drink from the cup in Your hand
lean back against You and breathe
feel Your heartbeat
this love is so deep
it's more than i can stand
i melt in Your peace
it's overwhelming
-- written (i think) by nicole c mullen for christ for the nations (http://www.cfnmusic.com/glorious.php)
11.05.2006
weight - revisited
[the quote at the bottom, originally attributed to nelson mandela, is actually used in his inaugural speech, but was written by marianne williamson in "a return to love: reflections on the principles of a course in miracles" - thanks, taylor, for allowing me to give proper credit!]
it seems as though i created quite a stir with the last post - unintentionally. let me see if i can clarify what i was trying to say, and more importantly, what i was not trying to say...
i believe at the core of who i am that part of the way the Lord uses me is that He gives me the courage to be transparent. in doing so, i am able to share my struggles, my joy, my victories - the glory of my life - while at the same time offering some comfort, some measure of assurance to my readers, that they are not alone in the things that they struggle with. in this way, the saying "the ground is level at the cross" is apparent and real.
yes, i was having a hard time over the weekend. i actually began "weight" on friday night and saved it as a draft, because i knew that what i was feeling was not as important as the Truth i was trying to get across. i got up saturday and re-worked it, leaving it real but bringing more Truth into it. fighting off the lies and living intentionally in the Truth is not easy, and sometimes it's a process to get it right - to communicate correctly the work that He is doing in me.
you'll notice that "weight" is a series of feelings, of questions, and ends up a declaration of what i believe (with a play on words throughout). somehow, most of the feedback i received focused on the negative, and not on the rejection of the lies that were slamming me that night. when i revisited the draft saturday, it was - and remains - my belief that taking away the transparency of my struggle somehow cheats myself and you - and i refuse to do that.
do i really believe that i am flat rejected by the ring? no, of course not.
do i struggle to know my true motives for moving to seattle - if that even really happens? yes. to be cavalier about such a decision would be at best stupid, and at worst, disastrous.
do i struggle in this wait? absolutely yes. but i trust more than i struggle these days. being positive all the time would be inaccurate and, in essence, lying to my friends, my community, my audience. not going to happen.
i love you all for your concern and your encouragement. i love you for speaking up, for rising to my defense. i guess what concerns me is my lack of ability to clearly articulate what was going on in my mind - you all understood the struggle, but not the defiance - the victory.
helen came the closest to understanding, perhaps because she was the one to speak the very words over me that i began the post with - that i would gain spiritual weight. her response was spot on:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
--Nelson Mandella
I have only spent 4 days with you, mainly doing crazy things (dancing in the snow, swimming under the stars, soaking in a hot tub in a blizzard!... but I miss you terribly. Let your light shine, be patient while God adds the weight of maturity and wisdom to your life and live life to the full!
it seems as though i created quite a stir with the last post - unintentionally. let me see if i can clarify what i was trying to say, and more importantly, what i was not trying to say...
i believe at the core of who i am that part of the way the Lord uses me is that He gives me the courage to be transparent. in doing so, i am able to share my struggles, my joy, my victories - the glory of my life - while at the same time offering some comfort, some measure of assurance to my readers, that they are not alone in the things that they struggle with. in this way, the saying "the ground is level at the cross" is apparent and real.
yes, i was having a hard time over the weekend. i actually began "weight" on friday night and saved it as a draft, because i knew that what i was feeling was not as important as the Truth i was trying to get across. i got up saturday and re-worked it, leaving it real but bringing more Truth into it. fighting off the lies and living intentionally in the Truth is not easy, and sometimes it's a process to get it right - to communicate correctly the work that He is doing in me.
you'll notice that "weight" is a series of feelings, of questions, and ends up a declaration of what i believe (with a play on words throughout). somehow, most of the feedback i received focused on the negative, and not on the rejection of the lies that were slamming me that night. when i revisited the draft saturday, it was - and remains - my belief that taking away the transparency of my struggle somehow cheats myself and you - and i refuse to do that.
do i really believe that i am flat rejected by the ring? no, of course not.
do i struggle to know my true motives for moving to seattle - if that even really happens? yes. to be cavalier about such a decision would be at best stupid, and at worst, disastrous.
do i struggle in this wait? absolutely yes. but i trust more than i struggle these days. being positive all the time would be inaccurate and, in essence, lying to my friends, my community, my audience. not going to happen.
i love you all for your concern and your encouragement. i love you for speaking up, for rising to my defense. i guess what concerns me is my lack of ability to clearly articulate what was going on in my mind - you all understood the struggle, but not the defiance - the victory.
helen came the closest to understanding, perhaps because she was the one to speak the very words over me that i began the post with - that i would gain spiritual weight. her response was spot on:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
--Nelson Mandella
I have only spent 4 days with you, mainly doing crazy things (dancing in the snow, swimming under the stars, soaking in a hot tub in a blizzard!... but I miss you terribly. Let your light shine, be patient while God adds the weight of maturity and wisdom to your life and live life to the full!
11.04.2006
weight
one of the last words spoken over me before i left the retreat was that i would gain weight - spiritual weight - that i would gain power as an intercessor as i continue to seek to live my life with my Lord. that's a comforting thought to return to at a time when i feel invisible - a gift, as it turns out, from our very wise God that knew that this time was coming.
i feel like i'm battling for my life. not death - life. my life, lived out fully as He intends. i find myself questioning everything, even at a time when my trust is so complete. yes, i realize those 2 statements seem to contradict themselves, but they don't. my heart trusts, my mind questions - not all the time, but tonight, i feel pretty defeated.
i've caught myself seeking affirmation and validation from my leadership and friends - again. why is that such an easy trap to fall into? at least i caught it quickly this time... but in doing so, i've come to a place where i'm questioning my motives - my heart - my real reasons for leaving. why am i really leaving? as my notes say in reference to 1 samuel 15:20-22 - the right what with the wrong why is useless - your motive must be pure, from your heart. so i find myself asking some very hard questions. am i leaving, hoping that there will be a void that will finally be recognized? am i leaving to pursue an education that i think will finally make me valuable to my community? am i simply running away because life is not working out here? or am i leaving for the reason i've stated over and over again - that i believe the Lord is calling me to seattle, to equip me to better serve the Body that i love so much?
i think the most honest answer is yes, at least to some extent, to all of them. but my truest desire is to continue to allow Him to heal me, and then turn around and offer that healing to others - to walk with them out of the darkness into His light.
why is it that my desire to be valuable feels so shameful? so immature? so needy? it is not healthy for me to continue to seek approval from anyone but the Lord, and for me to constantly feel that i am somehow found lacking - not worthy to serve this Body. that thought is soul-killing to me. i want to be alive - fully alive. i want the weight of my life to be felt by those around me, even as i embrace theirs. i am constantly writing about finding our value and worth in the Lord... tonight, that Truth does not feel very true to me.
i had a "friend" today accuse me of being prideful... and it took me an hour - a full hour - to realize that i had been insulted. someone that i have been pouring countless hours, words, prayer - all of me - into turned around and spat in my face. personally, i think that if it took me that long to realize that i had been insulted, i'm pretty sure that pride is not something that i struggle with, or my flesh would have reacted instantly, in self-defense.
i had another friend tell me tonight to hold on - that my time to serve this Body is coming. i wanted to throw up. i still do. i've never given as much of myself to anyone or anything IN MY LIFE, and i'm still told to "hang in there." regardless of the words used, what i heard was this - "you are still not enough. you still have not got what it takes to be accepted and needed - to be useful in this ministry. for whatever reason, this Body still finds you lacking."
no. i reject that verdict. as jess said in mexico, i choose to believe HIS report over any "feelings" that may have been evoked as this time of waiting wears on. yes, i feel defeated tonight, but the truth is that seeking to come fully alive, for the glory of my life to illuminate Him, is not prideful. wanting to serve, to be discipled, to learn how to imitate Christ - these things are not prideful. they are not shameful. they are seeking the Way that we are meant to be. wanting to see these desires realized within the Body that i love so much is not prideful or self-glorifying. i desire to see the Kingdom reign here and now, and to be a part of that. i can't think of a more biblically-sound desire.
i feel defeated tonight - but i'm not. i'm just weary. i'm tired of even my closest friends questioning why i'm not pouring coffee or something - anything - to pay the bills. for the last time, i am being obedient. i am not released to just go out and get a job. if that sounds foreign to you, i really understand. our society teaches that unemployment is shameful. our culture teaches self-sufficiency above all else. well, that's not what Jesus taught, and it's His voice i'm listening to - not yours. i love you, i respect you, but your voice is not the one guiding me. so, as gently as i possibly can, let me tell you this - your words cause me pain. please stop. if you are not building me up, not encouraging me to be strong in the Lord, then, truthfully, i'd rather you just be silent. your words are poison to me right now.
this wait is very much an opportunity to forget His faithfulness... and it's left me open to all the lies that He exposed as false and that i renounced. i'm seeking to allow my heart room to stay alive and beating for Him. most days, i'm fine. i know that the Lord has something big going on here. i know this to be true. but knowing and feeling are 2 different things. tonight, my heart is heavy, to the point of pain. that's not quite the weight i was hoping for.
i feel like i'm battling for my life. not death - life. my life, lived out fully as He intends. i find myself questioning everything, even at a time when my trust is so complete. yes, i realize those 2 statements seem to contradict themselves, but they don't. my heart trusts, my mind questions - not all the time, but tonight, i feel pretty defeated.
i've caught myself seeking affirmation and validation from my leadership and friends - again. why is that such an easy trap to fall into? at least i caught it quickly this time... but in doing so, i've come to a place where i'm questioning my motives - my heart - my real reasons for leaving. why am i really leaving? as my notes say in reference to 1 samuel 15:20-22 - the right what with the wrong why is useless - your motive must be pure, from your heart. so i find myself asking some very hard questions. am i leaving, hoping that there will be a void that will finally be recognized? am i leaving to pursue an education that i think will finally make me valuable to my community? am i simply running away because life is not working out here? or am i leaving for the reason i've stated over and over again - that i believe the Lord is calling me to seattle, to equip me to better serve the Body that i love so much?
i think the most honest answer is yes, at least to some extent, to all of them. but my truest desire is to continue to allow Him to heal me, and then turn around and offer that healing to others - to walk with them out of the darkness into His light.
why is it that my desire to be valuable feels so shameful? so immature? so needy? it is not healthy for me to continue to seek approval from anyone but the Lord, and for me to constantly feel that i am somehow found lacking - not worthy to serve this Body. that thought is soul-killing to me. i want to be alive - fully alive. i want the weight of my life to be felt by those around me, even as i embrace theirs. i am constantly writing about finding our value and worth in the Lord... tonight, that Truth does not feel very true to me.
i had a "friend" today accuse me of being prideful... and it took me an hour - a full hour - to realize that i had been insulted. someone that i have been pouring countless hours, words, prayer - all of me - into turned around and spat in my face. personally, i think that if it took me that long to realize that i had been insulted, i'm pretty sure that pride is not something that i struggle with, or my flesh would have reacted instantly, in self-defense.
i had another friend tell me tonight to hold on - that my time to serve this Body is coming. i wanted to throw up. i still do. i've never given as much of myself to anyone or anything IN MY LIFE, and i'm still told to "hang in there." regardless of the words used, what i heard was this - "you are still not enough. you still have not got what it takes to be accepted and needed - to be useful in this ministry. for whatever reason, this Body still finds you lacking."
no. i reject that verdict. as jess said in mexico, i choose to believe HIS report over any "feelings" that may have been evoked as this time of waiting wears on. yes, i feel defeated tonight, but the truth is that seeking to come fully alive, for the glory of my life to illuminate Him, is not prideful. wanting to serve, to be discipled, to learn how to imitate Christ - these things are not prideful. they are not shameful. they are seeking the Way that we are meant to be. wanting to see these desires realized within the Body that i love so much is not prideful or self-glorifying. i desire to see the Kingdom reign here and now, and to be a part of that. i can't think of a more biblically-sound desire.
i feel defeated tonight - but i'm not. i'm just weary. i'm tired of even my closest friends questioning why i'm not pouring coffee or something - anything - to pay the bills. for the last time, i am being obedient. i am not released to just go out and get a job. if that sounds foreign to you, i really understand. our society teaches that unemployment is shameful. our culture teaches self-sufficiency above all else. well, that's not what Jesus taught, and it's His voice i'm listening to - not yours. i love you, i respect you, but your voice is not the one guiding me. so, as gently as i possibly can, let me tell you this - your words cause me pain. please stop. if you are not building me up, not encouraging me to be strong in the Lord, then, truthfully, i'd rather you just be silent. your words are poison to me right now.
this wait is very much an opportunity to forget His faithfulness... and it's left me open to all the lies that He exposed as false and that i renounced. i'm seeking to allow my heart room to stay alive and beating for Him. most days, i'm fine. i know that the Lord has something big going on here. i know this to be true. but knowing and feeling are 2 different things. tonight, my heart is heavy, to the point of pain. that's not quite the weight i was hoping for.
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