burden

i probably shouldn't be writing today, but i need an outlet, and this is my blog, my place in the world where it is safe to bare my heart before my Lord.

i have become the burden that i've dreaded for so long. as mom's money runs out, and no employment doors open, i feel very much stuck. i can't move past this season and into the next. i've managed not to look at my circumstances for the past several months, but rather to look at Him instead. doing that now feels very selfish. yes, i'm aware that i'm giving some of you ammo... i really just don't care right now.

in my heart's search for life... that's a line from the daily prayer by john eldredge. i'm more like "mostly dead" as wesley was in the princess bride. or "alert and oriented times zero" as eldredge writes in waking the dead. or "flying upside down" as willard writes in the divine conspiracy. or i could use less inspired language and just flat-out say that i am tired of waiting. i'm tired of being a burden on my mom, who has already borne entirely too much in her lifetime. i'm tired of the inertia that surrounds me. i'm just tired.

i wish there were a way to dress this up, to make this less dreary and sad for those of you who love me, who are going to read this and have your hearts twinge for me. i am not looking for pity. i am not looking for encouragement. i just have to get the words and feelings out so that they don't stay in, poisoning me.

i suppose He allows us to tire ourselves, so that when He decides to act, we are too tired to fight. it seems to me that He could be more creative than that. yes, i can hear the job-esque responses already. who are you to question the Lord? who are you to pout? who are you to struggle against your circumstances? actually, who am i not to do these things? He did not create us to be robots, damn it. relationship implies reciprocity. yes, i will question Him. not with disrespect, but with a questioning heart of an image-bearer who desires to walk in fullness of life. i'm past tired of being mostly dead. i am desperate to be alive.

there is a longing in me that has awakened, and is growing day by day. is it so much to ask for a home? for a family? for a purpose? for a reason to exist? seriously, i can see His hand all over my getting laid off, over my travels this past summer and fall, over the healing and new desires of my heart. i can see all of that - but it seems as though we've come to a screeching halt - as though we were getting ramped up for something huge, then He decided to wait. i am past the point where i can make jokes about "yay unemployment!" or "yay seattle!" both said with tongue firmly planted in cheek. there is nothing funny or light-hearted about watching my mother bear the weight of my bills and hers... and my sister's and my niece's... what the crap is that about? i'm getting a clear, "what is that to you?" from Him. that speaks of His sovereignty... right now, that's not entirely comforting.

and so the battle rages. don't worry - He'll prevail - He always does. that, at least, i know to be true.