weight

one of the last words spoken over me before i left the retreat was that i would gain weight - spiritual weight - that i would gain power as an intercessor as i continue to seek to live my life with my Lord. that's a comforting thought to return to at a time when i feel invisible - a gift, as it turns out, from our very wise God that knew that this time was coming.

i feel like i'm battling for my life. not death - life. my life, lived out fully as He intends. i find myself questioning everything, even at a time when my trust is so complete. yes, i realize those 2 statements seem to contradict themselves, but they don't. my heart trusts, my mind questions - not all the time, but tonight, i feel pretty defeated.

i've caught myself seeking affirmation and validation from my leadership and friends - again. why is that such an easy trap to fall into? at least i caught it quickly this time... but in doing so, i've come to a place where i'm questioning my motives - my heart - my real reasons for leaving. why am i really leaving? as my notes say in reference to 1 samuel 15:20-22 - the right what with the wrong why is useless - your motive must be pure, from your heart. so i find myself asking some very hard questions. am i leaving, hoping that there will be a void that will finally be recognized? am i leaving to pursue an education that i think will finally make me valuable to my community? am i simply running away because life is not working out here? or am i leaving for the reason i've stated over and over again - that i believe the Lord is calling me to seattle, to equip me to better serve the Body that i love so much?

i think the most honest answer is yes, at least to some extent, to all of them. but my truest desire is to continue to allow Him to heal me, and then turn around and offer that healing to others - to walk with them out of the darkness into His light.

why is it that my desire to be valuable feels so shameful? so immature? so needy? it is not healthy for me to continue to seek approval from anyone but the Lord, and for me to constantly feel that i am somehow found lacking - not worthy to serve this Body. that thought is soul-killing to me. i want to be alive - fully alive. i want the weight of my life to be felt by those around me, even as i embrace theirs. i am constantly writing about finding our value and worth in the Lord... tonight, that Truth does not feel very true to me.

i had a "friend" today accuse me of being prideful... and it took me an hour - a full hour - to realize that i had been insulted. someone that i have been pouring countless hours, words, prayer - all of me - into turned around and spat in my face. personally, i think that if it took me that long to realize that i had been insulted, i'm pretty sure that pride is not something that i struggle with, or my flesh would have reacted instantly, in self-defense.

i had another friend tell me tonight to hold on - that my time to serve this Body is coming. i wanted to throw up. i still do. i've never given as much of myself to anyone or anything IN MY LIFE, and i'm still told to "hang in there." regardless of the words used, what i heard was this - "you are still not enough. you still have not got what it takes to be accepted and needed - to be useful in this ministry. for whatever reason, this Body still finds you lacking."

no. i reject that verdict. as jess said in mexico, i choose to believe HIS report over any "feelings" that may have been evoked as this time of waiting wears on. yes, i feel defeated tonight, but the truth is that seeking to come fully alive, for the glory of my life to illuminate Him, is not prideful. wanting to serve, to be discipled, to learn how to imitate Christ - these things are not prideful. they are not shameful. they are seeking the Way that we are meant to be. wanting to see these desires realized within the Body that i love so much is not prideful or self-glorifying. i desire to see the Kingdom reign here and now, and to be a part of that. i can't think of a more biblically-sound desire.

i feel defeated tonight - but i'm not. i'm just weary. i'm tired of even my closest friends questioning why i'm not pouring coffee or something - anything - to pay the bills. for the last time, i am being obedient. i am not released to just go out and get a job. if that sounds foreign to you, i really understand. our society teaches that unemployment is shameful. our culture teaches self-sufficiency above all else. well, that's not what Jesus taught, and it's His voice i'm listening to - not yours. i love you, i respect you, but your voice is not the one guiding me. so, as gently as i possibly can, let me tell you this - your words cause me pain. please stop. if you are not building me up, not encouraging me to be strong in the Lord, then, truthfully, i'd rather you just be silent. your words are poison to me right now.

this wait is very much an opportunity to forget His faithfulness... and it's left me open to all the lies that He exposed as false and that i renounced. i'm seeking to allow my heart room to stay alive and beating for Him. most days, i'm fine. i know that the Lord has something big going on here. i know this to be true. but knowing and feeling are 2 different things. tonight, my heart is heavy, to the point of pain. that's not quite the weight i was hoping for.