exactly

we were asked to observe covenants of silence intermittently throughout the retreat. this was a new concept for me - an intentional, volitional, unspoken agreement not to speak a word to anyone - at all. we were encouraged to seek Him however we saw fit - through prayer, meditation on His Word, sitting in His presence, walking through the mountains, worship - however we felt Him calling to us. well, now that i think about it, we celebrated the Lord's Supper at the ring a few years ago in complete silence - that was seriously intense and by far the most spiritual communion experience i have ever had... but i digress.

those times of silence were so powerful that i sit here tonight and wonder why i have not brought that intentional silence into life post-retreat. most of the time, i was actually able to shut up and listen to Him, for a change. He has much to say when i'll take the time to listen, i've discovered. we were encouraged before each time of silence to press into Him... another new concept for me. what they meant, or at least how i interpreted it, was not to just take initial silence as "I am not talking to you right now" but rather to stand your ground... to refuse to take no for an answer (unless He really meant it, and believe me, you know the difference). pressing in means to draw even closer to Him, to wait just there, heart open and thirsty for Him.

i think He really likes that. i think He enjoys us not giving up so easily. i think that He actually gets a kick out of us intentionally seeking Him, and refusing to give up... not in an arrogant way, but in a loving, longing, "i'm here and not going anywhere" kind of way. those times really made me aware of how easily i give up when i really need to hear from Him.

i think about all the times, throughout time, that He's been rejected, ignored, abused, defied, denounced... and it breaks my heart to realize how His heart must break again and again and again. i mean, really. billions of people everyday - His creation that He longs to be reconciled to, and even the ones that are - we all in some way refuse Him. it may be time, obedience, honor, our hearts, our true devotion, our true submission to His lordship, trust... it goes on and on, and it positively floors me to think about even just what the Word records about His continual effort to win back our hearts.

what an amazing thought. what a humbling thought. yeah, big sigh as i write these words...

i started this post, thinking that i was writing about silence, and what a powerful way it is to enter into His presence. then it turned to pressing into Him, and how He must really get a kick out of that. and now, i sit here, camped on this thought of His heart breaking every single day, and i can't hardly stand to type another word... and then He reminds me of the beauty of it all - the romance, the adventure, the sacrifice, the battles... the intimacy of it all - and i am floored again.

someone posed a very valid question the other day - why do i even bother with this blog? this is why. this is EXACTLY why. my love for Him, and His for us. He brings me back to Him through these words, this thought process, this intentional focus on Him. we've begun a series on prayer at the ring, and in my mind, prayer - as simple and as complicated as it seems to be - is heart to heart communication between the Lord and His kids... yes. exactly.