continuing from the last post...
"there" is anywhere, anyone, or any place that leads me away from Him. fill in your own blank - the world, sin, old behaviors, old thought processes...
the Lord has been very faithful lately to break down some serious strongholds in my life... stupid things that have become stumbling blocks over time. He has also been very faithful to bring even the really hard ones to my attention - and to let me suffer through them until i decide enough is enough and allow Him to break them for me, once and for all.
i will seek You, Lord
while i am in my youth,
i will serve You, Lord
and i'll proclaim Your truth,
for you searched and found me
while i was far away,
and in my troubled times
You always keep me safe.
the Lord is my light and my salvation,
whom shall i fear, whom shall i fear?
the Lord is the Stronghold of my life,
whom shall i fear? whom shall i fear?
i know that You are for me,
i praise You 'cause You're for me.
--darrell evans
1.30.2007
there
i don't want to go there - i want to stay here, where it's hard, but Secure.
i don't want to go there - i want to dwell here, where there is risk, but it's Good.
i don't want to go there - i want to rest in peace, weary from the Battle.
i don't want to go there - i want to live, where life is truly Life.
i don't want to go there - i want to be known, and not have to hide.
i don't want to go there - i want to thirst, and drink deeply of His grace.
i don't want to go there - i want to yearn, knowing that He will satisfy.
i don't want to go there - i want to awaken, heart fully alive.
i don't want to go there - i want to trust, knowing that His heart is good.
i don't want to go there - i want to know the weight of His glory, and mine.
i don't want to go there - i want the hope of a life fully restored.
i don't want to go there - i want to have joy, especially when life hurts.
i don't want to go there - i want to stop doubting, to have faith and be faithful.
i don't want to go there - i want to weep for HIM who is LOVE.
i don't want to go there - i want to not worry, and go dance with my Lord.
i don't want to go there - i want my flesh to die and resurrect in Him.
i don't want to go there - i want to abide in the constancy of Christ.
i don't want to go there - i want to be holy, pure and lovely - the Bride.
i don't want to go there - i want to desire, to long, for Jesus alone.
i don't want to go there... why do i keep going back?
but in the pain, there is beauty, for He is all that is True, and Good and Beautiful.
everything i want is already mine. i must choose, daily, to walk in that Truth... and realize, perhaps more importantly, that HE will not fail ME. (joshua 1)
i don't want to go there - i want to dwell here, where there is risk, but it's Good.
i don't want to go there - i want to rest in peace, weary from the Battle.
i don't want to go there - i want to live, where life is truly Life.
i don't want to go there - i want to be known, and not have to hide.
i don't want to go there - i want to thirst, and drink deeply of His grace.
i don't want to go there - i want to yearn, knowing that He will satisfy.
i don't want to go there - i want to awaken, heart fully alive.
i don't want to go there - i want to trust, knowing that His heart is good.
i don't want to go there - i want to know the weight of His glory, and mine.
i don't want to go there - i want the hope of a life fully restored.
i don't want to go there - i want to have joy, especially when life hurts.
i don't want to go there - i want to stop doubting, to have faith and be faithful.
i don't want to go there - i want to weep for HIM who is LOVE.
i don't want to go there - i want to not worry, and go dance with my Lord.
i don't want to go there - i want my flesh to die and resurrect in Him.
i don't want to go there - i want to abide in the constancy of Christ.
i don't want to go there - i want to be holy, pure and lovely - the Bride.
i don't want to go there - i want to desire, to long, for Jesus alone.
i don't want to go there... why do i keep going back?
but in the pain, there is beauty, for He is all that is True, and Good and Beautiful.
everything i want is already mine. i must choose, daily, to walk in that Truth... and realize, perhaps more importantly, that HE will not fail ME. (joshua 1)
1.26.2007
abandoned
[although this does not surprise me in the least, this is an incredibly difficult post to write. lucky for me that i am an incredibly stubborn individual, when i have to be... as evidenced by the post time of 11-ish, which is when i began, and the fact that it's now 4:34 in the am]
worship is the highest form of warfare.
i learned this at the captivating retreat. yes, i heard the words, understood their meaning... but i experienced it first-hand over and over and over again while we were there. i say "we" because this is about the collective beauty of the women who were absolutely abandoned in their worship, unashamed of their love and need for Jesus.
i've never experienced that level of freedom in worship IN MY LIFE. there were women dancing, praying, laughing, crying, shouting, weeping, standing, sitting, singing, silent, hands raised in fists of victory or defiance, hands stretching out to touch His face, or lying prostrate on the floor - face down or face up - every conceivable way of physical expression of worship in utter abandonment to Him. it was fantastic. it was beautiful. it was freedom.
there were so many women hurting, so many seeking Jesus, so many desperate for true fellowship, bound to the other women by a shared desire to love, and be loved. i've written about this before, but it comes to mind again tonight. (ok, so it's 4-ish in the morning again - i have not yet been to sleep - my disclaimer if this ends up not making any sense...) this has been an incredible couple of days and i find myself longing for that freedom to just exist in a state of pure worship. the Lord has been showing off lately, big time, in many lives around me, including my own. i am brought back to those memories by a very pressing need to express to Him how much i love Him - not just for the amazing things He's doing, but really just because He is who He is.
HE IS THE LOVER OF MY SOUL.
although i was there as a participant, the intercessor in me was keenly aware of the spiritual junk going on. i say junk, only to point out that the enemy really stood no chance of getting to us while we were there, not to downplay what was going on spiritually. there was some serious healing taking place and we were taught how to fight to keep it. of course, the on-site intercessors really paved the way for us by covering us in a canopy of prayer... what an amazing calling, and what an amazing gift!
i've read somewhere that intercession and worship go hand in hand as spiritual gifts. that makes perfect sense to me, because, as previously stated, worship is the highest form of warfare. on sunday nights when my spirit is particularly stirred up about something, i make a point to go find our worship leader and encourage him, to remind him that he is leading us to the Lord, to take seriously the fight for the hearts in the room through worship. (not that he doesn't take it seriously - i just have gotten into the habit of giving him a head's up if my spirit is jumping) i find as i tune into the various aspects of the ministry, that there are specific prayer needs for each one. the band needs prayer differently than the pastor... the Body needs prayer differently than the technical team... the diversity of needs makes me depend that much more on the Spirit leading me in prayer. i love how that speaks to His intimate counsel and care for us!
i've sat in the back of the gym at 5:45 prayer, and just looked around. it was like i could almost see the connection of the hearts going on - the intimate conversations between the God of the universe and His kids, simultaneously - intimate and pervasive, all at the same time... like streams of light going up from different areas of the room. i'm not a very imaginative creature, so that's a stretch for me... but a glorious one for Him to allow me to glimpse.
a friend of mine doesn't understand why i surround myself with worship music when i'm driving. it used to be more about keeping my flesh under control and keeping my focus on all things Christ - a constant reminder of the life and the path that i have chosen, that i have been called to and that i intentionally live out day by day. however, the more i grow as an intercessor, the more i learn - mostly by trial and error - the more i realize that i MUST be surrounded by music that calls to my spirit. think about it. the more intentionally i walk into this role as an intercessor, the more of a threat i become to the enemy. the more of a threat i become, the more he wants to take me out.
i went to dinner with a friend of mine tonight, for the sole purpose of celebrating His goodness. i really wish i did that all the time, not just when He decides to step it up a notch. i want to celebrate Him all the time. rejoice in our sufferings, and all that. my heart is not there, but i want it to be... that counts for something, right?
i say all that really to pass along something that i've learned the hard way - when you are under attack, in whatever way it manifests in your life, there is more you can do than "just" pray. chose to be surrounded by music that makes your spirit soar. chose to envelope yourself in something beautiful. chose to sing His praises, even if it's out of pure defiance of the enemy of your soul. abandon yourself to Jesus...
1.25.2007
approach
i've never done this before, but then again... i've never experienced anything quite like what happened tonight before, either. (how's that for a set up?)
a few weeks ago, our pastor spoke highly of an aspiring new Christian musician who was scheduled to perform tonight at zoar baptist church in central, louisiana. i'd never heard of this artist, but my pastor is an accomplished musician, so i hold his opinion in high regard... and besides, our worship band is from zoar, so attending was just as much about supporting their church as it was about supporting an aspiring new musician. (i must say that the ring was well-represented... we made up about 1/3 of the audience - how cool to walk into a church i've never been to and see my community there!)
everyone, meet phil wickham. he's from san diego, pronounces baton rouge as "baton rou-gay" and would have loved to have seen the saints and the chargers throw down in the super bowl. alas... oh, and he calls crawfish "craw puppies" which can only be an hysterical combination of "crawfish" and "hush puppies"... fun personality aside, he is quite talented. but that doesn't really tell you much about him, does it?
well, this should help. first, here is his website. second, i am making an exception for him and relenting on my total anti-myspace stance long enough to give you a way to find out more about him. be warned - myspace is of the devil... i joke, i kid... i don't. anyway, here is his space; it's got some great music (we sing always forever at the ring - it's beautiful), tour dates and such. (whew - no lightening! - let's get past this paragraph and on to what the night held, and not push our luck...)
so the night started with the student pastor, brian, opening us up in prayer. wow - that man can PRAY! so few words, so much power and love unleashed... talk about setting the tone for worship! i'm sitting there, in a foreign place, surrounded by loved ones and strangers, and we all entered into God's presence in such a powerful way. did i mention that man can pray??? holy cow. then there's this guy just standing on stage, just him and his acoustic guitar. now, i'm sitting there, blown away by brian's prayer, and this music begins. i really don't know what to expect - i've never heard of this guy, i don't know any of his music - at least, i didn't know always forever is his song - and i'm waiting with baited breath to see what's next... and i am drawn into his heart for the next hour - he was raw, passionate and real. i think i'm transparent? please. i can't think of a more vulnerable position to be in than playing to complete strangers and just letting it rip - pouring your heart out to your Lord in song. i was vibrating inside about 15 minutes into it, and am still smiling as i type this hours later.
as per the usual, worship was not all the Lord had in mind for the night. more humility - a friend had to buy me one of phil's cd's with a promise to pay her back... and more put-yourself-out-there obedience. that's right - He sent me to find brian to speak words of encouragement to him. no way i could have left that church without thanking him for bringing us into the Lord's presence so powerfully. what could have been a really awkward encounter turned out to be beautiful - the look on his face and in his eyes was worth every niggling doubt about what the Lord told me to do, and why He wanted me to do it. i don't have any idea what the Lord did in his heart with those words, but it was beautiful, whatever it was. sooo cool.
i'm not sure that we so much approached the throne room as we busted through the door. i think the coolest part was that it wasn't about the music. weird, huh? yes, the music was great and, from what i know about him, i highly recommend phil. but i think, to me at least, that the night was more about coming alive... about the Lord continuing to draw me out of this semi-secluded existence into Him, through His kids, through worship, through fellowship, through humility, through obedience... paula recently said to me that we learn more about God so that we can worship Him more, so that we can approach Him more fully in love and with adoration. i had never equated head knowledge with worship before. or, more correctly stated, i had never equated learning more about God as a means to worship Him more. but it makes so much sense! the more i learn of Him - whether it be through a sermon, getting to know Him, someone else's walk with Him... however i encounter Him, i invariably walk away from that encounter, loving Him more... which opens my heart even more. i am already profoundly affected by music - when my spirit joins in - well, that's just a beautiful thing.
a few weeks ago, our pastor spoke highly of an aspiring new Christian musician who was scheduled to perform tonight at zoar baptist church in central, louisiana. i'd never heard of this artist, but my pastor is an accomplished musician, so i hold his opinion in high regard... and besides, our worship band is from zoar, so attending was just as much about supporting their church as it was about supporting an aspiring new musician. (i must say that the ring was well-represented... we made up about 1/3 of the audience - how cool to walk into a church i've never been to and see my community there!)
everyone, meet phil wickham. he's from san diego, pronounces baton rouge as "baton rou-gay" and would have loved to have seen the saints and the chargers throw down in the super bowl. alas... oh, and he calls crawfish "craw puppies" which can only be an hysterical combination of "crawfish" and "hush puppies"... fun personality aside, he is quite talented. but that doesn't really tell you much about him, does it?
well, this should help. first, here is his website. second, i am making an exception for him and relenting on my total anti-myspace stance long enough to give you a way to find out more about him. be warned - myspace is of the devil... i joke, i kid... i don't. anyway, here is his space; it's got some great music (we sing always forever at the ring - it's beautiful), tour dates and such. (whew - no lightening! - let's get past this paragraph and on to what the night held, and not push our luck...)
so the night started with the student pastor, brian, opening us up in prayer. wow - that man can PRAY! so few words, so much power and love unleashed... talk about setting the tone for worship! i'm sitting there, in a foreign place, surrounded by loved ones and strangers, and we all entered into God's presence in such a powerful way. did i mention that man can pray??? holy cow. then there's this guy just standing on stage, just him and his acoustic guitar. now, i'm sitting there, blown away by brian's prayer, and this music begins. i really don't know what to expect - i've never heard of this guy, i don't know any of his music - at least, i didn't know always forever is his song - and i'm waiting with baited breath to see what's next... and i am drawn into his heart for the next hour - he was raw, passionate and real. i think i'm transparent? please. i can't think of a more vulnerable position to be in than playing to complete strangers and just letting it rip - pouring your heart out to your Lord in song. i was vibrating inside about 15 minutes into it, and am still smiling as i type this hours later.
as per the usual, worship was not all the Lord had in mind for the night. more humility - a friend had to buy me one of phil's cd's with a promise to pay her back... and more put-yourself-out-there obedience. that's right - He sent me to find brian to speak words of encouragement to him. no way i could have left that church without thanking him for bringing us into the Lord's presence so powerfully. what could have been a really awkward encounter turned out to be beautiful - the look on his face and in his eyes was worth every niggling doubt about what the Lord told me to do, and why He wanted me to do it. i don't have any idea what the Lord did in his heart with those words, but it was beautiful, whatever it was. sooo cool.
i'm not sure that we so much approached the throne room as we busted through the door. i think the coolest part was that it wasn't about the music. weird, huh? yes, the music was great and, from what i know about him, i highly recommend phil. but i think, to me at least, that the night was more about coming alive... about the Lord continuing to draw me out of this semi-secluded existence into Him, through His kids, through worship, through fellowship, through humility, through obedience... paula recently said to me that we learn more about God so that we can worship Him more, so that we can approach Him more fully in love and with adoration. i had never equated head knowledge with worship before. or, more correctly stated, i had never equated learning more about God as a means to worship Him more. but it makes so much sense! the more i learn of Him - whether it be through a sermon, getting to know Him, someone else's walk with Him... however i encounter Him, i invariably walk away from that encounter, loving Him more... which opens my heart even more. i am already profoundly affected by music - when my spirit joins in - well, that's just a beautiful thing.
1.18.2007
imago dei
so i've been awake since 3 o'clock this morning. again. blegh.
instead of ranting this time, i've spent the past 4 hours praying and thinking. i watched the sun rise - ok, so i watched the day brighten through the clouds - and listened to the birds singing. why they are singing on such a cold, dreary morning is totally beyond me - they must know something that i don't. or have much less on their minds...
a friend of mine sent me an email yesterday with a quote in it that i can't get out of my head. it's by oswald chambers, admittedly NOT one of my favorite authors or theologians. everything that i've read by him - intentionally not much - just does not sit well with me. his descriptions of what our relationship with God is supposed to look like remind me of an ant trying to have true fellowship with shaquille o'neal. it's just... unbalanced and in no way intimate. but that's not the point of this post... here is the quote i can't get out of my head:
The call of God is not a reflection of my nature; my personal desires and temperament are of no consideration. As long as I dwell on my own qualities and traits and think about what I am suited for, I will never hear the call of God. But when God brings me into the right relationship with Himself, I will be in the same condition Isaiah was. Isaiah was so attuned to God, because of the great crisis he had just endured, that the call of God penetrated his soul. The majority of us cannot hear anything but ourselves. And we cannot hear anything God says. But to be brought to the place where we can hear the call of God is to be profoundly changed.
how can that be true? i have been struggling with this since i first read it, and i become increasingly more perplexed the more i ponder it. as someone seeking God's call on my life, this quote sends me into a bit of a panic. pushing back on the panic, i'm inclined to think about what God's Word has to say about this. (i'm too lazy to look up the scripture references...)
God made me. He knew me before the beginning of time. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He knows every hair on my head. He placed His desires in my heart. i am an image-bearer of the Most High God. i am crowned with glory, made righteous by the blood of the Lamb. i am holy and dearly loved. i am forgiven, restored and belong to God's family - a holy nation and a royal priesthood. i am salt and light. i am the bride of Christ. i am much more than this, but that's all i have off the top of my head, considering i've been up since 3 am...
knowing all of this to be true... how can chambers be correct in saying that who i am is irrelevant to who God calls me to be?
I DON'T GET IT.
instead of ranting this time, i've spent the past 4 hours praying and thinking. i watched the sun rise - ok, so i watched the day brighten through the clouds - and listened to the birds singing. why they are singing on such a cold, dreary morning is totally beyond me - they must know something that i don't. or have much less on their minds...
a friend of mine sent me an email yesterday with a quote in it that i can't get out of my head. it's by oswald chambers, admittedly NOT one of my favorite authors or theologians. everything that i've read by him - intentionally not much - just does not sit well with me. his descriptions of what our relationship with God is supposed to look like remind me of an ant trying to have true fellowship with shaquille o'neal. it's just... unbalanced and in no way intimate. but that's not the point of this post... here is the quote i can't get out of my head:
The call of God is not a reflection of my nature; my personal desires and temperament are of no consideration. As long as I dwell on my own qualities and traits and think about what I am suited for, I will never hear the call of God. But when God brings me into the right relationship with Himself, I will be in the same condition Isaiah was. Isaiah was so attuned to God, because of the great crisis he had just endured, that the call of God penetrated his soul. The majority of us cannot hear anything but ourselves. And we cannot hear anything God says. But to be brought to the place where we can hear the call of God is to be profoundly changed.
how can that be true? i have been struggling with this since i first read it, and i become increasingly more perplexed the more i ponder it. as someone seeking God's call on my life, this quote sends me into a bit of a panic. pushing back on the panic, i'm inclined to think about what God's Word has to say about this. (i'm too lazy to look up the scripture references...)
God made me. He knew me before the beginning of time. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He knows every hair on my head. He placed His desires in my heart. i am an image-bearer of the Most High God. i am crowned with glory, made righteous by the blood of the Lamb. i am holy and dearly loved. i am forgiven, restored and belong to God's family - a holy nation and a royal priesthood. i am salt and light. i am the bride of Christ. i am much more than this, but that's all i have off the top of my head, considering i've been up since 3 am...
knowing all of this to be true... how can chambers be correct in saying that who i am is irrelevant to who God calls me to be?
I DON'T GET IT.
1.16.2007
restoration
WARNING - THIS IS A RANT. IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A FEEL-GOOD READ, TODAY IS NOT THE DAY.
this side of the hump, i find something unexpected. i am restless, weary of this place.
Jesus is all about restoration. that's why He came, right? to restore us to the Father, to give sight to the blind, hearing to the deaf, life to the dead - to set the captives free, to bind up the broken-hearted and proclaim freedom for the prisoners?
i want my life back. not my job, not my husband, not my house. not any of the things that i've lost over the years. i want so much more than that. i want LIFE, restored and renewed and grounded in HIM.
i am restless beyond anything i've experienced before. i can't sleep. i can't stop praying. i can't stop reading about Him. i long to be saturated in Love.
i long for restoration.
over 5 years ago, i had my life ripped away from me. everything i knew - gone. it's been a roller-coaster ride since then - as if life with my ex wasn't hard enough. 13 years of utter misery, and now 5+ years of... what? there is nothing in my life that is stable and sure... precious little to offer me security and a sense of belonging. no wonder it's too easy to misplace our passion for the Lord - to settle for a substitute... i am restless and yearning, and all that i am surrounded with tells me that this desire will be fulfilled by a home, a family, my place in the world where i am safe and wanted - needed, even.
i long for a home that doesn't belong to a relative or a management agency. i long to cut the grass. i long to finally figure out how to nurture a flowerbed into something beautiful. i long to walk in the door, knowing that i am home, surrounded by familiar scents, belongings, people whom i love, and love me.
josh has been teaching out of revelation 3, specifically the letter to the church in laodicea. it's a stern warning to a people who have compromised themselves to the point where there is nothing left of their lives to distinguish them from the world... followed immediately by an invitation of restoration to intimate relationship. yes, exactly.
i know the "correct" answer is Jesus:
Jesus be my portion
Jesus be my King
Lover of souls I am giving You all I have
Because I know all that I need
I will find at Your feet
--jason morant
why does that feel so... stifling? insufficient? so much like settling? "i am giving You all that i have" contrasted with "Jesus, be my portion"? how does that work? "here, You take all of me, and i'll settle for whatever crumbs You decide to throw my way?" is that supposed to make me feel loved and longed for and passionately pursued? well, it doesn't. God, i hate that song.
"portion" doesn't come close to describing my longing for Him. for restoration. for my life to have some semblance of normalcy and purpose. and since i'm on a rant anyway, what is normal? somebody, please tell me, because i don't have a clue. i don't have a dad. i don't have a home. i don't have a close family. i don't have 2.5 kids and a house on the corner lot. yes, i know the sunday school answer to these statements - ann, you need to be grateful for what you do have. you have a heavenly Father. your mother has graciously opened her home to you. you have a sister that you could pursue more purposefully. you know the Lord has promised you children, and by default, a husband to father said children. you will eventually have a home of your own. blah, blah, BLAH.
i know these things. i know things can be much worse. i know they may get much worse. but my heart is bucking and kicking like crazy, and since He gave me this heart, i'm going with He understands this restlessness and isn't going to strike me down for owning up to it.
here's my take on what happened 5 years ago. my husband was seduced away from me, and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. it's also the most devastating thing that's happened to me, in regards to picking up the pieces and moving forward. i did all the right things during the divorce. he never even needed an attorney. i divorced him quietly, taking the dog and a few pieces of furniture that belong to my family. i could have chosen to make his life a living hell. i could have chosen to take him to court for abandonment and adultery... never mind the drugs i found in the house. i could have done a lot of things that, frankly, my friends and family thought i was insane for NOT doing. i chose to walk away. i chose to be the better person. i chose to be a person of character and integrity - to take the high road, instead of battling it out in the courts. and what do i get for my efforts? oh, let's see. let's start with identity theft by his adulterous lover. anyone ever hear of a chapter 7 bankruptcy? how about losing my home and my other dog? how about losing what i thought was my family - including all the children that, to this day, still call me "aunt ann" even though i haven't seen them in years? how about giving up an embryo - my child - choosing to do a blind donation to an infertile couple instead of keeping it frozen beyond a reasonable "shelf-life"? how about losing my boat? my credit? my... whatever. no wonder i can't listen to country music anymore...
i thought, at the time, even as angry as i was with God, that He would be honored by my heart for Him, by my efforts to "do the right thing." i refused to compromise myself and my integrity to appease the world... is it so much to ask for the intimacy, the restoration that immediately follows the rebuke in the letter to laodicea? oh, He definitely made good on the promise in the spiritual realm. it's been an amazing journey. but what about my life in this world?
some jackass said that faith requires more faith. no shit. what do you do, pray tell, when you're scraping the bottom of the barrel, ignoring the splinters and blood in your desperate search for more? i'm feeling very fickle at the moment. i wrote a friend the other night that God's love for us is madness, and that i am madly in love with Him. i don't know how to sustain that state of my heart. i don't know what to do with this bucking, wild, restless love that is crying out for release.
this side of the hump, i find something unexpected. i am restless, weary of this place.
Jesus is all about restoration. that's why He came, right? to restore us to the Father, to give sight to the blind, hearing to the deaf, life to the dead - to set the captives free, to bind up the broken-hearted and proclaim freedom for the prisoners?
i want my life back. not my job, not my husband, not my house. not any of the things that i've lost over the years. i want so much more than that. i want LIFE, restored and renewed and grounded in HIM.
i am restless beyond anything i've experienced before. i can't sleep. i can't stop praying. i can't stop reading about Him. i long to be saturated in Love.
i long for restoration.
over 5 years ago, i had my life ripped away from me. everything i knew - gone. it's been a roller-coaster ride since then - as if life with my ex wasn't hard enough. 13 years of utter misery, and now 5+ years of... what? there is nothing in my life that is stable and sure... precious little to offer me security and a sense of belonging. no wonder it's too easy to misplace our passion for the Lord - to settle for a substitute... i am restless and yearning, and all that i am surrounded with tells me that this desire will be fulfilled by a home, a family, my place in the world where i am safe and wanted - needed, even.
i long for a home that doesn't belong to a relative or a management agency. i long to cut the grass. i long to finally figure out how to nurture a flowerbed into something beautiful. i long to walk in the door, knowing that i am home, surrounded by familiar scents, belongings, people whom i love, and love me.
josh has been teaching out of revelation 3, specifically the letter to the church in laodicea. it's a stern warning to a people who have compromised themselves to the point where there is nothing left of their lives to distinguish them from the world... followed immediately by an invitation of restoration to intimate relationship. yes, exactly.
i know the "correct" answer is Jesus:
Jesus be my portion
Jesus be my King
Lover of souls I am giving You all I have
Because I know all that I need
I will find at Your feet
--jason morant
why does that feel so... stifling? insufficient? so much like settling? "i am giving You all that i have" contrasted with "Jesus, be my portion"? how does that work? "here, You take all of me, and i'll settle for whatever crumbs You decide to throw my way?" is that supposed to make me feel loved and longed for and passionately pursued? well, it doesn't. God, i hate that song.
"portion" doesn't come close to describing my longing for Him. for restoration. for my life to have some semblance of normalcy and purpose. and since i'm on a rant anyway, what is normal? somebody, please tell me, because i don't have a clue. i don't have a dad. i don't have a home. i don't have a close family. i don't have 2.5 kids and a house on the corner lot. yes, i know the sunday school answer to these statements - ann, you need to be grateful for what you do have. you have a heavenly Father. your mother has graciously opened her home to you. you have a sister that you could pursue more purposefully. you know the Lord has promised you children, and by default, a husband to father said children. you will eventually have a home of your own. blah, blah, BLAH.
i know these things. i know things can be much worse. i know they may get much worse. but my heart is bucking and kicking like crazy, and since He gave me this heart, i'm going with He understands this restlessness and isn't going to strike me down for owning up to it.
here's my take on what happened 5 years ago. my husband was seduced away from me, and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. it's also the most devastating thing that's happened to me, in regards to picking up the pieces and moving forward. i did all the right things during the divorce. he never even needed an attorney. i divorced him quietly, taking the dog and a few pieces of furniture that belong to my family. i could have chosen to make his life a living hell. i could have chosen to take him to court for abandonment and adultery... never mind the drugs i found in the house. i could have done a lot of things that, frankly, my friends and family thought i was insane for NOT doing. i chose to walk away. i chose to be the better person. i chose to be a person of character and integrity - to take the high road, instead of battling it out in the courts. and what do i get for my efforts? oh, let's see. let's start with identity theft by his adulterous lover. anyone ever hear of a chapter 7 bankruptcy? how about losing my home and my other dog? how about losing what i thought was my family - including all the children that, to this day, still call me "aunt ann" even though i haven't seen them in years? how about giving up an embryo - my child - choosing to do a blind donation to an infertile couple instead of keeping it frozen beyond a reasonable "shelf-life"? how about losing my boat? my credit? my... whatever. no wonder i can't listen to country music anymore...
i thought, at the time, even as angry as i was with God, that He would be honored by my heart for Him, by my efforts to "do the right thing." i refused to compromise myself and my integrity to appease the world... is it so much to ask for the intimacy, the restoration that immediately follows the rebuke in the letter to laodicea? oh, He definitely made good on the promise in the spiritual realm. it's been an amazing journey. but what about my life in this world?
some jackass said that faith requires more faith. no shit. what do you do, pray tell, when you're scraping the bottom of the barrel, ignoring the splinters and blood in your desperate search for more? i'm feeling very fickle at the moment. i wrote a friend the other night that God's love for us is madness, and that i am madly in love with Him. i don't know how to sustain that state of my heart. i don't know what to do with this bucking, wild, restless love that is crying out for release.
1.12.2007
deliberate
this may be one of the more random posts i've written in awhile, but something happened today that i don't want to lose - that i don't want to fade from my mind.
where to start? hmmm... let's rewind to the last days of 2005. yes, i know, it's taboo to write about fasting, but guess what? i'm going to anyway. i fasted for the first time - intentional, seek the Lord, deny self in search of Him fasted - the last 2 days of 2005 and the first day of 2006. it was a 3-day, water/gatorade only fast. while i can't say that anything super crazy happened during the fast - no moments of epiphany or visions or anything like that - the posts over the year can attest to the vast amounts of spiritual growth that may have stemmed from that fast.
fast-forward to this week. i joined with a ministry that i intercede for in a 3-day fast. the first day was wednesday, and the lack of caffeine was FAR worse than the lack of food. i spent the majority of the day in bed, suffering from this screaming headache, praying, resting... just being still before the Lord.
cool side note - this is our annual 30 days of prayer at the ring, so the fast quickly became about me and 2 ministries, bowing low before the Lord, pressing in to hear His voice. cool, huh?
wednesday night was spent, much to my dismay, in front of the tv... but even then, i could sense that He was getting ready to talk to me. after i exhausted all the csi's and svu's that could possibly be found on tv, i spent a lot of time on my face, talking to Him about the idols in my life - the little "affairs of the heart" that brent curtis writes about in the sacred romance. i confessed those idols - from tv to church - and put Jesus back front and center in my life, in my heart. there was something so freeing about just confessing them and asking His forgiveness.
thursday, i was forced out of the house - gleefully - to get a much-needed haircut and to visit the newest member of our community, jack henry rush, weighing in at 8lbs, 9ozs, 21 inches long and beautiful. welcome, little one! throughout the day, i could sense the Lord near, whispering to me. the still small voice was probably the smallest it's ever been. i could sense, rather than hear, that He knows how hard waiting has become. not having money after the bills are paid is one thing - not even being able to buy groceries is a completely different ballgame. as one of our Body said on new year's eve, "i trust You, Lord... but seriously." i have a really hard time praying for provision for myself. i've never had to, and not really sure how to go about asking for something that He knows i need...
He showed me that i have not been intentional enough in my time with Him. not deliberate in asking for the things i need, not deliberate about asking Him what He wants from this season. yes, i write about it a lot, but actually going before Him with it, and then stopping to listen... well, there wasn't much listening - mostly complaining - mainly to people, not even to Him - nevermind the listening. somewhere during the day, He released me from the fast. it seems that He just wanted to point out a few things that are keeping me stuck in this place.
something else really cool happened thursday night. i had a long, rambling conversation with a friend of mine over the phone. i rarely do that - i'm not much of a phone person... but this friend and i have learned the value of what i've come to call a free-flowing conversation. one that centers on the Lord and our lives, but just kind of random, here and there, touching on a lot of different things, not really delving into anything deeply. and that's so strange! normally, that kind of aimless talking would drive me insane. but, again, i've learned the value of allowing our hearts and minds to flow freely, landing inevitably where-ever He wants us to. and sure enough, she landed on some things that were causing her unnamed anxiety all week, and we landed on what's been pinning me down for months - fear and confusion.
that's right - i've been afraid and confused. now, we all know that's out of character for me. even in the midst of a hard season, fear is not something i battle, nor is confusion. and let me just tell you, the combination is quite powerful. i've been effectively ineffective and paralyzed. yes, i know - that's had to believe, but it makes so much sense. i have not been able to deal with just normal everyday tasks like opening the mail, much less dealing with any issues that might come along with opening said mail... even answering emails had become almost impossible. i've been procrastinating like crazy - but not intentionally. i've just been... paralyzed. most doctors would diagnose that as depression, and there may be a twinge of that in there somewhere, but listen to this...
we discovered this fear and confusion last night. we agreed to pray against it, recognizing it for what it was and who it came from. and we left it at that. there was no drum roll, no angels singing, nothing to signify major breakthrough had occurred... and then there was today.
today, i had my first cup of coffee in 3 days - praise the Lord and hallelujah - and my mind was sharp and focused. for the first time in months, i was able to take care of just the basics of life with ease. i've not caught completely up, but i got off to a great start. i finally filed for unemployment - much emphasis on FINALLY - and the thought of money coming in is almost too much for me to consider. the fact that it's so much less than what i was earning - roughly 1/25th of my former income - yes, 1/25th, not 1/4th - would, at one point, have been a source of much frustration and indignation to me... not so much today. i was so thrilled to have actually done something useful and productive that the amount is totally irrelevant. and then i worked on fine-tuning my resume. and i contacted a company here in town that i know i'm a good fit for, whether they know it or not. and i sorted my mail. and i got my wireless internet going again. and i talked to my sister. and i...
i realized that 2 separate, yet wonderful things had happened to allow all this other stuff to happen. i approached the Lord with intent, and He honored that deliberate seeking out. i took authority over the enemy - sneaky bastard that he is - in my own life, and it's like a switch has been flipped. "i have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you." (luke 10:19)
literally overnight, i went from barely functioning to almost back to normal. most of you who see me on a regular basis may have a hard time absorbing these words, because, while i am a huge proponent of transparency and authenticity... when trials stretch on for months and months, they can become a stumbling block for others. my faith is stretched, but those who love me are having their faith stretched and tested, too, watching my life barely limp along.
so... lessons learned? be deliberate about asking and listening to Jesus. pursue Him daily, not out of obligation, but out of love and need. be sure of who's voice you hear when you do listen... this is KEY. i have several dear friends struggling and deeply hurting, believing this is what the Lord has called them to. far be it for me to say that you will never suffer, but i can say with confidence that the LORD IS GOOD. HIS HEART IS GOOD. HE DESIRES GOOD THINGS FOR YOU. not in a prosperity gospel kind of way, but in the way He describes Himself in His Word. just because you "hear" a voice DOES NOT mean it's His. test it. by all means, test the voice. for God's sake, test the voice. have i said it enough yet? the enemy masquerades as an angel of light (2 corinthians 11:14). it is his intent to confuse you - do you really think it's beyond him to imitate the voice of the Lord? yes, i know there are a lot of passages of Scripture that warn against testing God - don't hear me say that you are to test God. test the spirit, test the voice - it's not only ok - it's biblical - see romans 12:2, 1 thessalonians 5:21 and 1 john 4:1. be wise. be wary... and know the character of God, so that you will be able to discern what is from Him and what is not. i learned that particular lesson the hard way...
where to start? hmmm... let's rewind to the last days of 2005. yes, i know, it's taboo to write about fasting, but guess what? i'm going to anyway. i fasted for the first time - intentional, seek the Lord, deny self in search of Him fasted - the last 2 days of 2005 and the first day of 2006. it was a 3-day, water/gatorade only fast. while i can't say that anything super crazy happened during the fast - no moments of epiphany or visions or anything like that - the posts over the year can attest to the vast amounts of spiritual growth that may have stemmed from that fast.
fast-forward to this week. i joined with a ministry that i intercede for in a 3-day fast. the first day was wednesday, and the lack of caffeine was FAR worse than the lack of food. i spent the majority of the day in bed, suffering from this screaming headache, praying, resting... just being still before the Lord.
cool side note - this is our annual 30 days of prayer at the ring, so the fast quickly became about me and 2 ministries, bowing low before the Lord, pressing in to hear His voice. cool, huh?
wednesday night was spent, much to my dismay, in front of the tv... but even then, i could sense that He was getting ready to talk to me. after i exhausted all the csi's and svu's that could possibly be found on tv, i spent a lot of time on my face, talking to Him about the idols in my life - the little "affairs of the heart" that brent curtis writes about in the sacred romance. i confessed those idols - from tv to church - and put Jesus back front and center in my life, in my heart. there was something so freeing about just confessing them and asking His forgiveness.
thursday, i was forced out of the house - gleefully - to get a much-needed haircut and to visit the newest member of our community, jack henry rush, weighing in at 8lbs, 9ozs, 21 inches long and beautiful. welcome, little one! throughout the day, i could sense the Lord near, whispering to me. the still small voice was probably the smallest it's ever been. i could sense, rather than hear, that He knows how hard waiting has become. not having money after the bills are paid is one thing - not even being able to buy groceries is a completely different ballgame. as one of our Body said on new year's eve, "i trust You, Lord... but seriously." i have a really hard time praying for provision for myself. i've never had to, and not really sure how to go about asking for something that He knows i need...
He showed me that i have not been intentional enough in my time with Him. not deliberate in asking for the things i need, not deliberate about asking Him what He wants from this season. yes, i write about it a lot, but actually going before Him with it, and then stopping to listen... well, there wasn't much listening - mostly complaining - mainly to people, not even to Him - nevermind the listening. somewhere during the day, He released me from the fast. it seems that He just wanted to point out a few things that are keeping me stuck in this place.
something else really cool happened thursday night. i had a long, rambling conversation with a friend of mine over the phone. i rarely do that - i'm not much of a phone person... but this friend and i have learned the value of what i've come to call a free-flowing conversation. one that centers on the Lord and our lives, but just kind of random, here and there, touching on a lot of different things, not really delving into anything deeply. and that's so strange! normally, that kind of aimless talking would drive me insane. but, again, i've learned the value of allowing our hearts and minds to flow freely, landing inevitably where-ever He wants us to. and sure enough, she landed on some things that were causing her unnamed anxiety all week, and we landed on what's been pinning me down for months - fear and confusion.
that's right - i've been afraid and confused. now, we all know that's out of character for me. even in the midst of a hard season, fear is not something i battle, nor is confusion. and let me just tell you, the combination is quite powerful. i've been effectively ineffective and paralyzed. yes, i know - that's had to believe, but it makes so much sense. i have not been able to deal with just normal everyday tasks like opening the mail, much less dealing with any issues that might come along with opening said mail... even answering emails had become almost impossible. i've been procrastinating like crazy - but not intentionally. i've just been... paralyzed. most doctors would diagnose that as depression, and there may be a twinge of that in there somewhere, but listen to this...
we discovered this fear and confusion last night. we agreed to pray against it, recognizing it for what it was and who it came from. and we left it at that. there was no drum roll, no angels singing, nothing to signify major breakthrough had occurred... and then there was today.
today, i had my first cup of coffee in 3 days - praise the Lord and hallelujah - and my mind was sharp and focused. for the first time in months, i was able to take care of just the basics of life with ease. i've not caught completely up, but i got off to a great start. i finally filed for unemployment - much emphasis on FINALLY - and the thought of money coming in is almost too much for me to consider. the fact that it's so much less than what i was earning - roughly 1/25th of my former income - yes, 1/25th, not 1/4th - would, at one point, have been a source of much frustration and indignation to me... not so much today. i was so thrilled to have actually done something useful and productive that the amount is totally irrelevant. and then i worked on fine-tuning my resume. and i contacted a company here in town that i know i'm a good fit for, whether they know it or not. and i sorted my mail. and i got my wireless internet going again. and i talked to my sister. and i...
i realized that 2 separate, yet wonderful things had happened to allow all this other stuff to happen. i approached the Lord with intent, and He honored that deliberate seeking out. i took authority over the enemy - sneaky bastard that he is - in my own life, and it's like a switch has been flipped. "i have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you." (luke 10:19)
literally overnight, i went from barely functioning to almost back to normal. most of you who see me on a regular basis may have a hard time absorbing these words, because, while i am a huge proponent of transparency and authenticity... when trials stretch on for months and months, they can become a stumbling block for others. my faith is stretched, but those who love me are having their faith stretched and tested, too, watching my life barely limp along.
so... lessons learned? be deliberate about asking and listening to Jesus. pursue Him daily, not out of obligation, but out of love and need. be sure of who's voice you hear when you do listen... this is KEY. i have several dear friends struggling and deeply hurting, believing this is what the Lord has called them to. far be it for me to say that you will never suffer, but i can say with confidence that the LORD IS GOOD. HIS HEART IS GOOD. HE DESIRES GOOD THINGS FOR YOU. not in a prosperity gospel kind of way, but in the way He describes Himself in His Word. just because you "hear" a voice DOES NOT mean it's His. test it. by all means, test the voice. for God's sake, test the voice. have i said it enough yet? the enemy masquerades as an angel of light (2 corinthians 11:14). it is his intent to confuse you - do you really think it's beyond him to imitate the voice of the Lord? yes, i know there are a lot of passages of Scripture that warn against testing God - don't hear me say that you are to test God. test the spirit, test the voice - it's not only ok - it's biblical - see romans 12:2, 1 thessalonians 5:21 and 1 john 4:1. be wise. be wary... and know the character of God, so that you will be able to discern what is from Him and what is not. i learned that particular lesson the hard way...
1.09.2007
rewire
in a loose continuation from the last thought of the last post...
the Word tells us that we are new creations in Christ... that we are to put off the old man and to put on Christ. sometimes, putting off the old ann is not as easy as i'd like it to be. it takes a real effort to take everything i've learned about walking with Christ and apply all of it forward to today. i've learned a lot about my heart from the likes of john eldredge and the ransomed heart team, from my pastor, my church community, my geographic community, many authors and movies. i've learned, first and foremost, that it is good. yeah, that's right. my heart is good. (if this concept totally shocks you, don't take my word for it, check this out) i find that, over time, as i let Jesus farther and farther into the recesses of my heart, something really strange and wonderful happens. i find that loving people is not as foreign and difficult as i once learned that it was... 'learned' being the operative word here. my early years were spent learning that i had to protect myself, that people were not safe, not to be trusted. this being "true" to me, why in the world would i want to actually live and love in community with others?
i've also learned a lot about the Battle... perhaps the most important thing that i've learned so far is that this Battle is NOT against flesh and blood, even when - especially when - it seems very much like it is. this Battle is not only for my heart... it's for the hearts of others. Jesus came to accomplish so much more than "your sins are forgiven". He came that we may have life, and have it to the full. He came to restore our unity with the Father, yes, BUT He also came to restore our hearts - to give us life - to graft us into the Vine once again (and again and again and again...). He came to set the captives free, NOT to wrap us up in religion and rules. the enemy's infiltration of the church has caused untold strife, division, hurt and worst of all, God's children to fall away, either due to sin or because they were sinned against in the name of the Father.
i've learned that when i perceive someone as a threat to all i hold dear, that someone is NOT the problem. the enemy is the problem. he is the threat, not the person. let your heart rest on that thought for a minute.
when a person rebels against the church, what they are really doing is trying to protect their heart from wounds, or rather, the message of the wounds they've sustained along the way. religion sucks. i can live my life any way i want to - i'm covered by grace, so it really just doesn't matter, now does it? Jesus doesn't really care about me. i'm going to do whatever i want, and take as many of the church with me as i can because Jesus doesn't really care - He's a liar and has forsaken me. He won't come for me. why would i want Him to come for me, anyway? all church really is are a bunch of hypocrites who sing praises on sunday and live in the world the rest of the time, so why shouldn't i? Jesus has never come for me before when i really needed Him, so why would i ask or expect Him to come this time? i'd rather be cool, have lots of friends and snub the church than actually let Him into my life, much less my heart. it's a lot easier to be the social event of the year than to stop and be still before Him... and why would i want to do that, anyway? life with Him is hard... why, exactly, would i choose to live with Him? what, do you think i'm seriously going to actually choose Him, when He has so blatantly forgotten me? please.
and here is the good news - amid all this questioning and doubt, He waits to expose the lies... and He'll get really creative about revealing Himself... visually, through a song, a smell, a life... or He may choose more drastic measures. He may choose to break our leg and carry us around on His shoulders for a while, so that we are forced to learn His voice and our utter dependence on Him. He may just step back and wait until we dig ourselves in too deep and have no other way out of the disaster of our lives, full of fun and wit on the outside and dead and desperate on the inside. how do i know this to be true? i've been there, done that, as the saying goes. i've been in each of those situations, and He's come for me every single time.
as an intercessor, i've learned to see beyond the perceived threat and straight to the enemy. sometimes, i'm to fight in person - accountability, for example. sometimes, i'm to fight with words - an email, for example. and sometimes, i'm to pull out all the stops and fight heart to heart through prayer alone.
i see the enemy's attempt to infiltrate the church. i also see the lies that are fueling the charge... and i'm pulling out all the stops. this fight is a fight that i am not willing to lose. this fight is heart to heart, for a heart (perhaps many hearts)... and that makes it of vital importance to me... go figure. guess He's not done rewiring this heart just yet...
the Word tells us that we are new creations in Christ... that we are to put off the old man and to put on Christ. sometimes, putting off the old ann is not as easy as i'd like it to be. it takes a real effort to take everything i've learned about walking with Christ and apply all of it forward to today. i've learned a lot about my heart from the likes of john eldredge and the ransomed heart team, from my pastor, my church community, my geographic community, many authors and movies. i've learned, first and foremost, that it is good. yeah, that's right. my heart is good. (if this concept totally shocks you, don't take my word for it, check this out) i find that, over time, as i let Jesus farther and farther into the recesses of my heart, something really strange and wonderful happens. i find that loving people is not as foreign and difficult as i once learned that it was... 'learned' being the operative word here. my early years were spent learning that i had to protect myself, that people were not safe, not to be trusted. this being "true" to me, why in the world would i want to actually live and love in community with others?
i've also learned a lot about the Battle... perhaps the most important thing that i've learned so far is that this Battle is NOT against flesh and blood, even when - especially when - it seems very much like it is. this Battle is not only for my heart... it's for the hearts of others. Jesus came to accomplish so much more than "your sins are forgiven". He came that we may have life, and have it to the full. He came to restore our unity with the Father, yes, BUT He also came to restore our hearts - to give us life - to graft us into the Vine once again (and again and again and again...). He came to set the captives free, NOT to wrap us up in religion and rules. the enemy's infiltration of the church has caused untold strife, division, hurt and worst of all, God's children to fall away, either due to sin or because they were sinned against in the name of the Father.
i've learned that when i perceive someone as a threat to all i hold dear, that someone is NOT the problem. the enemy is the problem. he is the threat, not the person. let your heart rest on that thought for a minute.
when a person rebels against the church, what they are really doing is trying to protect their heart from wounds, or rather, the message of the wounds they've sustained along the way. religion sucks. i can live my life any way i want to - i'm covered by grace, so it really just doesn't matter, now does it? Jesus doesn't really care about me. i'm going to do whatever i want, and take as many of the church with me as i can because Jesus doesn't really care - He's a liar and has forsaken me. He won't come for me. why would i want Him to come for me, anyway? all church really is are a bunch of hypocrites who sing praises on sunday and live in the world the rest of the time, so why shouldn't i? Jesus has never come for me before when i really needed Him, so why would i ask or expect Him to come this time? i'd rather be cool, have lots of friends and snub the church than actually let Him into my life, much less my heart. it's a lot easier to be the social event of the year than to stop and be still before Him... and why would i want to do that, anyway? life with Him is hard... why, exactly, would i choose to live with Him? what, do you think i'm seriously going to actually choose Him, when He has so blatantly forgotten me? please.
and here is the good news - amid all this questioning and doubt, He waits to expose the lies... and He'll get really creative about revealing Himself... visually, through a song, a smell, a life... or He may choose more drastic measures. He may choose to break our leg and carry us around on His shoulders for a while, so that we are forced to learn His voice and our utter dependence on Him. He may just step back and wait until we dig ourselves in too deep and have no other way out of the disaster of our lives, full of fun and wit on the outside and dead and desperate on the inside. how do i know this to be true? i've been there, done that, as the saying goes. i've been in each of those situations, and He's come for me every single time.
as an intercessor, i've learned to see beyond the perceived threat and straight to the enemy. sometimes, i'm to fight in person - accountability, for example. sometimes, i'm to fight with words - an email, for example. and sometimes, i'm to pull out all the stops and fight heart to heart through prayer alone.
i see the enemy's attempt to infiltrate the church. i also see the lies that are fueling the charge... and i'm pulling out all the stops. this fight is a fight that i am not willing to lose. this fight is heart to heart, for a heart (perhaps many hearts)... and that makes it of vital importance to me... go figure. guess He's not done rewiring this heart just yet...
1.05.2007
el Nombre de Cristo
(i love this shot because it's of a bell currently in use in a 600-year-old catholic church - and it has a cross on it, not a crucifix)
i recently had the opportunity to make a quick run into mexico with a team from my church. it was totally last minute that i found out that i was going - less than 48 hours. i say that only to say this - i did not have much time to prepare to go, spiritually. i didn't have much time to ask God what He wanted from this trip personally, from and for me. thankfully, it's a long drive, and i drove the late shift - midnight to dawn or thereabouts - so i had time to pray and think while everyone else slept. even then, much of my time with the Lord was spent thanking Him that everyone was able to get some sleep, praying that it was restful and restorative sleep, and asking Him for safe passage and for His purposes to be accomplished through us - for open hearts and opportunities to deepen alliances with our friends there.
while there are so many stories i could tell, the one that's been circling in my mind since it happened and must be written is, oddly enough, the one thing that i really didn't expect to happen. ok, so if i had thought about it even for a second, it makes perfect sense, and completely lines up with what He's been doing in my life recently. it will come as a surprise to none of you that this trip, for me, was spiritually off the charts. crazy stuff happened. i realize that the Lord shows Himself in different ways, depending on the needs of the people, the culture, the prevalence of the occult... lots of things. i've heard that He shows off big-time in other countries because there is a need for Him to trump the enemy - He chooses to prove Himself 'bigger and badder' than the occult, the poverty, the sheer suffering and need. i know this - i just didn't expect to experience it first-hand.
one of the days we were there, we tagged along with one of our sister churches to a poor (such an understatement) village where there is no running water, no electricity - life is just HARD there. the children are dirty, malnourished, lacking even the basics of childhood like toys and food. it's heart-wrenching. the adults are mostly field laborers, meaning that they harvest crops for large agricultural companies. there is such a need for Hope there... and when you find it, it's AMAZING. faith is taken to a whole new level there... they are completely dependant on the Lord for everything - physically, emotionally, spiritually - everything. there is so much i could write about just concerning that one day, but i think i should stick to what He showed me.
i was given the opportunity to pray for random people - most of whom came up to me. now, you need to understand that i speak very little spanish... i can ask you what your name is, how you are doing, and where the bathrooms are, but that's about it. i can listen to a sermon and pick out references to the Lord, expressions of gratitude, of His magnificence and glory, but i can't speak conversationally... which is what makes what i'm about to tell you that much cooler...
the praying started with a man whose leg was horribly injured and infected. i was hit over the head with instructions to pray for him, and obeyed immediately... when the Lord is that clear on something, you don't ask, you just do. i had to ask someone to ask him for permission to pray for him - it's a cultural thing - and then just opened my mouth and let the words pour out... and the words were not all english. there were definitely spanish words intermingled with mine - did i mention that i don't speak conversational spanish? i was praying for healing, and continue to do so today - he is so heavy on my heart...
there are 3 other people that come to mind, all that came up to me, all that i was prompted to pray for. one woman's story struck me so deeply that even after i prayed for her, i asked one of our friends to listen to her story and speak with her. after they spoke, she prayed for her - we prayed for her... and both of my hands - middle finger to thumb and up to my elbow - turned to ice... not to the touch - from the inside out - the best way i can describe it is to compare it to putting your really really cold feet into really really hot water. i described this sensation to my friend and she was not surprised in the least - in fact, she said that's a common way for the Lord to make His presence known. huh? not in my world... but i wasn't in my world, now was i? that sensation lasted for 2 solid days, and i still feel twinges of it when i talk about it.
the next day, a whole gaggle of us went to a rather large city to go shopping in an authentic mexican market and to see the city. when we finished shopping, we walked to a circa 1400 ad church. now, i say we walked, but it was more like just under a jog - like ducks in a really long line, trying our best not to lose each other in such a large city where people are everywhere and vehicles have absolute dominance in the streets. think bourbon street PLUS speeding cars, trucks, buses... yeah, yikes. anyway... i was at the trailing end of our train of people (may have something to do with being 5' tall) and josh was behind me, as usual, making sure no-one got left behind or lost. we were booking it through a city park-like area, with my eyes constantly scanning the backs of heads in front of me, trying to keep up with our group. all of a sudden, this voice comes out of the crowd, screaming at me. i looked over to see this woman glaring at me. now, my spirit did a bow-up, flip flop thing, but my mind was a little slower to register what was going on. we kept going, but i asked josh what she had screamed at me. his best translation was, "stopping looking at me". now, i wasn't looking at anyone, but when i did, she was decidedly... venomous and well, evil. she wasn't - but the demon inside her was. it saw me coming and warned me off, loudly.
looking back now, i wish i could have stopped and rebuked that thing, setting that poor woman free and introducing her to Jesus. but, it didn't happen that way for a reason, i keep telling myself. there was no way for us to stop and not totally lose our group. it was so unexpected, that we were a full 30 yards away before i realized what had just happened... too late to go back, too late to react. so, what's the next best thing to do when you miss an opportunity like that? pray, pray and pray some more. in thinking through it, rebuking that demon would have been Christ through me, and that happens in the spirit world, not in person. it would be terribly arrogant to believe that my presence is necessary for that woman to be delivered from possession. so... i continue to petition God through Christ on her behalf, knowing His heart, knowing He wants her set free so much more than even i...
given a little perspective due to time and distance, i have to wonder what all that was about. why did the Lord ramp up the spiritual side of things for me? i don't claim to know what He did in the lives and hearts of the others on the team, i just know that for me, this trip was crazy... and it makes me wonder what He's up to for the big trip in april. if there is one thing i've learned about the Lord, it's that He doesn't just do things. He doesn't just decide to cause my hands and arms to turn to ice. He doesn't just decide to point me out to a demon and have me perceived as a threat. He does these things for a reason - many reasons, more than likely.
one of the many flaws that i discover about myself when i go to mexico is that my immediate heart reactions are not geared toward the people there. yes, this is hard to write, but it's true. my heart goes out to the animals, suffering from injury, disease, neglect and abuse. my heart goes out to the environment that is so polluted from unregulated factory emissions. yes, i know that the Christ in me is about saving souls and setting captives free. i know this. i also know that we are all wired differently... and that He's the One that did the wiring. maybe that's why i experienced such personal, relational encounters this time...
while there are so many stories i could tell, the one that's been circling in my mind since it happened and must be written is, oddly enough, the one thing that i really didn't expect to happen. ok, so if i had thought about it even for a second, it makes perfect sense, and completely lines up with what He's been doing in my life recently. it will come as a surprise to none of you that this trip, for me, was spiritually off the charts. crazy stuff happened. i realize that the Lord shows Himself in different ways, depending on the needs of the people, the culture, the prevalence of the occult... lots of things. i've heard that He shows off big-time in other countries because there is a need for Him to trump the enemy - He chooses to prove Himself 'bigger and badder' than the occult, the poverty, the sheer suffering and need. i know this - i just didn't expect to experience it first-hand.
one of the days we were there, we tagged along with one of our sister churches to a poor (such an understatement) village where there is no running water, no electricity - life is just HARD there. the children are dirty, malnourished, lacking even the basics of childhood like toys and food. it's heart-wrenching. the adults are mostly field laborers, meaning that they harvest crops for large agricultural companies. there is such a need for Hope there... and when you find it, it's AMAZING. faith is taken to a whole new level there... they are completely dependant on the Lord for everything - physically, emotionally, spiritually - everything. there is so much i could write about just concerning that one day, but i think i should stick to what He showed me.
i was given the opportunity to pray for random people - most of whom came up to me. now, you need to understand that i speak very little spanish... i can ask you what your name is, how you are doing, and where the bathrooms are, but that's about it. i can listen to a sermon and pick out references to the Lord, expressions of gratitude, of His magnificence and glory, but i can't speak conversationally... which is what makes what i'm about to tell you that much cooler...
the praying started with a man whose leg was horribly injured and infected. i was hit over the head with instructions to pray for him, and obeyed immediately... when the Lord is that clear on something, you don't ask, you just do. i had to ask someone to ask him for permission to pray for him - it's a cultural thing - and then just opened my mouth and let the words pour out... and the words were not all english. there were definitely spanish words intermingled with mine - did i mention that i don't speak conversational spanish? i was praying for healing, and continue to do so today - he is so heavy on my heart...
there are 3 other people that come to mind, all that came up to me, all that i was prompted to pray for. one woman's story struck me so deeply that even after i prayed for her, i asked one of our friends to listen to her story and speak with her. after they spoke, she prayed for her - we prayed for her... and both of my hands - middle finger to thumb and up to my elbow - turned to ice... not to the touch - from the inside out - the best way i can describe it is to compare it to putting your really really cold feet into really really hot water. i described this sensation to my friend and she was not surprised in the least - in fact, she said that's a common way for the Lord to make His presence known. huh? not in my world... but i wasn't in my world, now was i? that sensation lasted for 2 solid days, and i still feel twinges of it when i talk about it.
the next day, a whole gaggle of us went to a rather large city to go shopping in an authentic mexican market and to see the city. when we finished shopping, we walked to a circa 1400 ad church. now, i say we walked, but it was more like just under a jog - like ducks in a really long line, trying our best not to lose each other in such a large city where people are everywhere and vehicles have absolute dominance in the streets. think bourbon street PLUS speeding cars, trucks, buses... yeah, yikes. anyway... i was at the trailing end of our train of people (may have something to do with being 5' tall) and josh was behind me, as usual, making sure no-one got left behind or lost. we were booking it through a city park-like area, with my eyes constantly scanning the backs of heads in front of me, trying to keep up with our group. all of a sudden, this voice comes out of the crowd, screaming at me. i looked over to see this woman glaring at me. now, my spirit did a bow-up, flip flop thing, but my mind was a little slower to register what was going on. we kept going, but i asked josh what she had screamed at me. his best translation was, "stopping looking at me". now, i wasn't looking at anyone, but when i did, she was decidedly... venomous and well, evil. she wasn't - but the demon inside her was. it saw me coming and warned me off, loudly.
looking back now, i wish i could have stopped and rebuked that thing, setting that poor woman free and introducing her to Jesus. but, it didn't happen that way for a reason, i keep telling myself. there was no way for us to stop and not totally lose our group. it was so unexpected, that we were a full 30 yards away before i realized what had just happened... too late to go back, too late to react. so, what's the next best thing to do when you miss an opportunity like that? pray, pray and pray some more. in thinking through it, rebuking that demon would have been Christ through me, and that happens in the spirit world, not in person. it would be terribly arrogant to believe that my presence is necessary for that woman to be delivered from possession. so... i continue to petition God through Christ on her behalf, knowing His heart, knowing He wants her set free so much more than even i...
given a little perspective due to time and distance, i have to wonder what all that was about. why did the Lord ramp up the spiritual side of things for me? i don't claim to know what He did in the lives and hearts of the others on the team, i just know that for me, this trip was crazy... and it makes me wonder what He's up to for the big trip in april. if there is one thing i've learned about the Lord, it's that He doesn't just do things. He doesn't just decide to cause my hands and arms to turn to ice. He doesn't just decide to point me out to a demon and have me perceived as a threat. He does these things for a reason - many reasons, more than likely.
one of the many flaws that i discover about myself when i go to mexico is that my immediate heart reactions are not geared toward the people there. yes, this is hard to write, but it's true. my heart goes out to the animals, suffering from injury, disease, neglect and abuse. my heart goes out to the environment that is so polluted from unregulated factory emissions. yes, i know that the Christ in me is about saving souls and setting captives free. i know this. i also know that we are all wired differently... and that He's the One that did the wiring. maybe that's why i experienced such personal, relational encounters this time...
1.04.2007
free
the Lord gave me a heart-check sunday night during worship. i'm pretty sure He arranged the set list Himself...
before the ring, my friends and i were trying to figure out what we each had planned for new year's eve (we're obviously the most organized bunch of people EVER...). to a person, we all just wanted to see the year gone - no celebration, no party, no midnight countdown... not even particularly looking forward to the new year, just glad that the old one was gone.
suffice it to say that it was a hard year... for a lot of us.
but then something crazy happened. as we began to worship, as we approached the throne room, God's presence was all around us. i mean, it was like He was sitting right there, with the train of His robe filling the room (see isaiah 6:1). my heart was open, my spirit soaring - and i realized that my attitude and comments about 2006 were so inaccurate, so unfaithful, so ungrateful, and so dishonoring to my Lord...
yes, circumstantially, 2006 was a tough year. just a quick glance over the posts on this blog will attest to that. however - and this is a huge however - spiritually, 2006 was one of the best years of my life. i don't know that i've drawn closer to Jesus, depended on Him more, learned more about Him, or fell in love with Him like i did this past year. He and i have been through some rough times together, but there was something different about 2006 - something intentional. He pursued me, stretched me, broke me, loved me - all the way through it.
and what's even crazier is that He continues on pursuing me. He hasn't stopped. i don't have a clue what 2007 holds... and that's ok with me. am i really called to seattle? should i just find a job? how do i make a career change? how do i learn to live from my heart, and learn how to offer that to others? i really don't know, and i really am ok with that... most of the time. yes, i get frustrated. yes, i get impatient. but at the end of the day, i still believe that i'm supposed to wait... on Him. as a friend told me tonight, she feels like i'm supposed to be waiting while the supporting cast gets into costume and on stage. that's as good as an analogy as any for this situation.
so, although i couldn't work up the courage to actually speak into a microphone to brag on Jesus, i hope i made up for it here. josh encouraged us to learn from the times where He has already proven His faithfulness, to embrace that Truth today - today - not the last time we saw it, not when a crisis hits - today. He is faithful... all the time. he used psalm 95 to point us to Jesus:
1 Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD;
let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
2 Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song.
3 For the LORD is the great God,
the great King above all gods.
4 In his hand are the depths of the earth,
and the mountain peaks belong to him.
5 The sea is his, for he made it,
and his hands formed the dry land.
6 Come, let us bow down in worship,
let us kneel before the LORD our Maker;
for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.
Today, if you hear his voice,
8 do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah,
as you did that day at Massah in the desert,
9 where your fathers tested and tried me,
though they had seen what I did.
10 For forty years I was angry with that generation;
I said, "They are a people whose hearts go astray,
and they have not known my ways."
11 So I declared on oath in my anger,
"They shall never enter my rest."
i walked away from that night free again. there is a freedom that Christ came to give us, that He intends for us to live in. why is it that we so easily give that up? i had been slowly wilting under the weight of trying to make the right decisions about my life - as if the Lord can't fix what i screw up - all that He cares about is that i'm seeking His face, His voice, His will... HIM. it's not mine to fix. it's not up to me. it's all Him... and i'm all HIS. and THAT, my friends, is what counts. if, at the end of the day, i can look in the mirror and honestly say that i sought Him out that day, then i can most assuredly rest in His promise that declares us His flock, under His care.
HE will not fail US (joshua 1).
before the ring, my friends and i were trying to figure out what we each had planned for new year's eve (we're obviously the most organized bunch of people EVER...). to a person, we all just wanted to see the year gone - no celebration, no party, no midnight countdown... not even particularly looking forward to the new year, just glad that the old one was gone.
suffice it to say that it was a hard year... for a lot of us.
but then something crazy happened. as we began to worship, as we approached the throne room, God's presence was all around us. i mean, it was like He was sitting right there, with the train of His robe filling the room (see isaiah 6:1). my heart was open, my spirit soaring - and i realized that my attitude and comments about 2006 were so inaccurate, so unfaithful, so ungrateful, and so dishonoring to my Lord...
yes, circumstantially, 2006 was a tough year. just a quick glance over the posts on this blog will attest to that. however - and this is a huge however - spiritually, 2006 was one of the best years of my life. i don't know that i've drawn closer to Jesus, depended on Him more, learned more about Him, or fell in love with Him like i did this past year. He and i have been through some rough times together, but there was something different about 2006 - something intentional. He pursued me, stretched me, broke me, loved me - all the way through it.
and what's even crazier is that He continues on pursuing me. He hasn't stopped. i don't have a clue what 2007 holds... and that's ok with me. am i really called to seattle? should i just find a job? how do i make a career change? how do i learn to live from my heart, and learn how to offer that to others? i really don't know, and i really am ok with that... most of the time. yes, i get frustrated. yes, i get impatient. but at the end of the day, i still believe that i'm supposed to wait... on Him. as a friend told me tonight, she feels like i'm supposed to be waiting while the supporting cast gets into costume and on stage. that's as good as an analogy as any for this situation.
so, although i couldn't work up the courage to actually speak into a microphone to brag on Jesus, i hope i made up for it here. josh encouraged us to learn from the times where He has already proven His faithfulness, to embrace that Truth today - today - not the last time we saw it, not when a crisis hits - today. He is faithful... all the time. he used psalm 95 to point us to Jesus:
1 Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD;
let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.
2 Let us come before him with thanksgiving
and extol him with music and song.
3 For the LORD is the great God,
the great King above all gods.
4 In his hand are the depths of the earth,
and the mountain peaks belong to him.
5 The sea is his, for he made it,
and his hands formed the dry land.
6 Come, let us bow down in worship,
let us kneel before the LORD our Maker;
for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.
Today, if you hear his voice,
8 do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah,
as you did that day at Massah in the desert,
9 where your fathers tested and tried me,
though they had seen what I did.
10 For forty years I was angry with that generation;
I said, "They are a people whose hearts go astray,
and they have not known my ways."
11 So I declared on oath in my anger,
"They shall never enter my rest."
i walked away from that night free again. there is a freedom that Christ came to give us, that He intends for us to live in. why is it that we so easily give that up? i had been slowly wilting under the weight of trying to make the right decisions about my life - as if the Lord can't fix what i screw up - all that He cares about is that i'm seeking His face, His voice, His will... HIM. it's not mine to fix. it's not up to me. it's all Him... and i'm all HIS. and THAT, my friends, is what counts. if, at the end of the day, i can look in the mirror and honestly say that i sought Him out that day, then i can most assuredly rest in His promise that declares us His flock, under His care.
HE will not fail US (joshua 1).
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