deliberate

this may be one of the more random posts i've written in awhile, but something happened today that i don't want to lose - that i don't want to fade from my mind.

where to start? hmmm... let's rewind to the last days of 2005. yes, i know, it's taboo to write about fasting, but guess what? i'm going to anyway. i fasted for the first time - intentional, seek the Lord, deny self in search of Him fasted - the last 2 days of 2005 and the first day of 2006. it was a 3-day, water/gatorade only fast. while i can't say that anything super crazy happened during the fast - no moments of epiphany or visions or anything like that - the posts over the year can attest to the vast amounts of spiritual growth that may have stemmed from that fast.

fast-forward to this week. i joined with a ministry that i intercede for in a 3-day fast. the first day was wednesday, and the lack of caffeine was FAR worse than the lack of food. i spent the majority of the day in bed, suffering from this screaming headache, praying, resting... just being still before the Lord.

cool side note - this is our annual 30 days of prayer at the ring, so the fast quickly became about me and 2 ministries, bowing low before the Lord, pressing in to hear His voice. cool, huh?

wednesday night was spent, much to my dismay, in front of the tv... but even then, i could sense that He was getting ready to talk to me. after i exhausted all the csi's and svu's that could possibly be found on tv, i spent a lot of time on my face, talking to Him about the idols in my life - the little "affairs of the heart" that brent curtis writes about in the sacred romance. i confessed those idols - from tv to church - and put Jesus back front and center in my life, in my heart. there was something so freeing about just confessing them and asking His forgiveness.

thursday, i was forced out of the house - gleefully - to get a much-needed haircut and to visit the newest member of our community, jack henry rush, weighing in at 8lbs, 9ozs, 21 inches long and beautiful. welcome, little one! throughout the day, i could sense the Lord near, whispering to me. the still small voice was probably the smallest it's ever been. i could sense, rather than hear, that He knows how hard waiting has become. not having money after the bills are paid is one thing - not even being able to buy groceries is a completely different ballgame. as one of our Body said on new year's eve, "i trust You, Lord... but seriously." i have a really hard time praying for provision for myself. i've never had to, and not really sure how to go about asking for something that He knows i need...

He showed me that i have not been intentional enough in my time with Him. not deliberate in asking for the things i need, not deliberate about asking Him what He wants from this season. yes, i write about it a lot, but actually going before Him with it, and then stopping to listen... well, there wasn't much listening - mostly complaining - mainly to people, not even to Him - nevermind the listening. somewhere during the day, He released me from the fast. it seems that He just wanted to point out a few things that are keeping me stuck in this place.

something else really cool happened thursday night. i had a long, rambling conversation with a friend of mine over the phone. i rarely do that - i'm not much of a phone person... but this friend and i have learned the value of what i've come to call a free-flowing conversation. one that centers on the Lord and our lives, but just kind of random, here and there, touching on a lot of different things, not really delving into anything deeply. and that's so strange! normally, that kind of aimless talking would drive me insane. but, again, i've learned the value of allowing our hearts and minds to flow freely, landing inevitably where-ever He wants us to. and sure enough, she landed on some things that were causing her unnamed anxiety all week, and we landed on what's been pinning me down for months - fear and confusion.

that's right - i've been afraid and confused. now, we all know that's out of character for me. even in the midst of a hard season, fear is not something i battle, nor is confusion. and let me just tell you, the combination is quite powerful. i've been effectively ineffective and paralyzed. yes, i know - that's had to believe, but it makes so much sense. i have not been able to deal with just normal everyday tasks like opening the mail, much less dealing with any issues that might come along with opening said mail... even answering emails had become almost impossible. i've been procrastinating like crazy - but not intentionally. i've just been... paralyzed. most doctors would diagnose that as depression, and there may be a twinge of that in there somewhere, but listen to this...

we discovered this fear and confusion last night. we agreed to pray against it, recognizing it for what it was and who it came from. and we left it at that. there was no drum roll, no angels singing, nothing to signify major breakthrough had occurred... and then there was today.

today, i had my first cup of coffee in 3 days - praise the Lord and hallelujah - and my mind was sharp and focused. for the first time in months, i was able to take care of just the basics of life with ease. i've not caught completely up, but i got off to a great start. i finally filed for unemployment - much emphasis on FINALLY - and the thought of money coming in is almost too much for me to consider. the fact that it's so much less than what i was earning - roughly 1/25th of my former income - yes, 1/25th, not 1/4th - would, at one point, have been a source of much frustration and indignation to me... not so much today. i was so thrilled to have actually done something useful and productive that the amount is totally irrelevant. and then i worked on fine-tuning my resume. and i contacted a company here in town that i know i'm a good fit for, whether they know it or not. and i sorted my mail. and i got my wireless internet going again. and i talked to my sister. and i...

i realized that 2 separate, yet wonderful things had happened to allow all this other stuff to happen. i approached the Lord with intent, and He honored that deliberate seeking out. i took authority over the enemy - sneaky bastard that he is - in my own life, and it's like a switch has been flipped. "i have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you." (luke 10:19)

literally overnight, i went from barely functioning to almost back to normal. most of you who see me on a regular basis may have a hard time absorbing these words, because, while i am a huge proponent of transparency and authenticity... when trials stretch on for months and months, they can become a stumbling block for others. my faith is stretched, but those who love me are having their faith stretched and tested, too, watching my life barely limp along.

so... lessons learned? be deliberate about asking and listening to Jesus. pursue Him daily, not out of obligation, but out of love and need. be sure of who's voice you hear when you do listen... this is KEY. i have several dear friends struggling and deeply hurting, believing this is what the Lord has called them to. far be it for me to say that you will never suffer, but i can say with confidence that the LORD IS GOOD. HIS HEART IS GOOD. HE DESIRES GOOD THINGS FOR YOU. not in a prosperity gospel kind of way, but in the way He describes Himself in His Word. just because you "hear" a voice DOES NOT mean it's His. test it. by all means, test the voice. for God's sake, test the voice. have i said it enough yet? the enemy masquerades as an angel of light (2 corinthians 11:14). it is his intent to confuse you - do you really think it's beyond him to imitate the voice of the Lord? yes, i know there are a lot of passages of Scripture that warn against testing God - don't hear me say that you are to test God. test the spirit, test the voice - it's not only ok - it's biblical - see romans 12:2, 1 thessalonians 5:21 and 1 john 4:1. be wise. be wary... and know the character of God, so that you will be able to discern what is from Him and what is not. i learned that particular lesson the hard way...