abandoned

[although this does not surprise me in the least, this is an incredibly difficult post to write. lucky for me that i am an incredibly stubborn individual, when i have to be... as evidenced by the post time of 11-ish, which is when i began, and the fact that it's now 4:34 in the am]

worship is the highest form of warfare.

i learned this at the captivating retreat. yes, i heard the words, understood their meaning... but i experienced it first-hand over and over and over again while we were there. i say "we" because this is about the collective beauty of the women who were absolutely abandoned in their worship, unashamed of their love and need for Jesus.

i've never experienced that level of freedom in worship IN MY LIFE. there were women dancing, praying, laughing, crying, shouting, weeping, standing, sitting, singing, silent, hands raised in fists of victory or defiance, hands stretching out to touch His face, or lying prostrate on the floor - face down or face up - every conceivable way of physical expression of worship in utter abandonment to Him. it was fantastic. it was beautiful. it was freedom.

there were so many women hurting, so many seeking Jesus, so many desperate for true fellowship, bound to the other women by a shared desire to love, and be loved. i've written about this before, but it comes to mind again tonight. (ok, so it's 4-ish in the morning again - i have not yet been to sleep - my disclaimer if this ends up not making any sense...) this has been an incredible couple of days and i find myself longing for that freedom to just exist in a state of pure worship. the Lord has been showing off lately, big time, in many lives around me, including my own. i am brought back to those memories by a very pressing need to express to Him how much i love Him - not just for the amazing things He's doing, but really just because He is who He is.

HE IS THE LOVER OF MY SOUL.

although i was there as a participant, the intercessor in me was keenly aware of the spiritual junk going on. i say junk, only to point out that the enemy really stood no chance of getting to us while we were there, not to downplay what was going on spiritually. there was some serious healing taking place and we were taught how to fight to keep it. of course, the on-site intercessors really paved the way for us by covering us in a canopy of prayer... what an amazing calling, and what an amazing gift!

i've read somewhere that intercession and worship go hand in hand as spiritual gifts. that makes perfect sense to me, because, as previously stated, worship is the highest form of warfare. on sunday nights when my spirit is particularly stirred up about something, i make a point to go find our worship leader and encourage him, to remind him that he is leading us to the Lord, to take seriously the fight for the hearts in the room through worship. (not that he doesn't take it seriously - i just have gotten into the habit of giving him a head's up if my spirit is jumping) i find as i tune into the various aspects of the ministry, that there are specific prayer needs for each one. the band needs prayer differently than the pastor... the Body needs prayer differently than the technical team... the diversity of needs makes me depend that much more on the Spirit leading me in prayer. i love how that speaks to His intimate counsel and care for us!

i've sat in the back of the gym at 5:45 prayer, and just looked around. it was like i could almost see the connection of the hearts going on - the intimate conversations between the God of the universe and His kids, simultaneously - intimate and pervasive, all at the same time... like streams of light going up from different areas of the room. i'm not a very imaginative creature, so that's a stretch for me... but a glorious one for Him to allow me to glimpse.

a friend of mine doesn't understand why i surround myself with worship music when i'm driving. it used to be more about keeping my flesh under control and keeping my focus on all things Christ - a constant reminder of the life and the path that i have chosen, that i have been called to and that i intentionally live out day by day. however, the more i grow as an intercessor, the more i learn - mostly by trial and error - the more i realize that i MUST be surrounded by music that calls to my spirit. think about it. the more intentionally i walk into this role as an intercessor, the more of a threat i become to the enemy. the more of a threat i become, the more he wants to take me out.

i went to dinner with a friend of mine tonight, for the sole purpose of celebrating His goodness. i really wish i did that all the time, not just when He decides to step it up a notch. i want to celebrate Him all the time. rejoice in our sufferings, and all that. my heart is not there, but i want it to be... that counts for something, right?

i say all that really to pass along something that i've learned the hard way - when you are under attack, in whatever way it manifests in your life, there is more you can do than "just" pray. chose to be surrounded by music that makes your spirit soar. chose to envelope yourself in something beautiful. chose to sing His praises, even if it's out of pure defiance of the enemy of your soul. abandon yourself to Jesus...