dance

for those of you who read this who go to my church... if you saw a blur in the rafters tonight during worship... that was me, dancing with Jesus. He reached down and met my outstretched hands with His own, drew me up and twirled us through the rafters. it was ecstasy. it was worship in its truest form...

it was beautiful. He is beautiful. wow.

sigh...

LORD I WANT TO YEARN FOR YOU, I WANT TO BURN WITH PASSION OVER YOU, AND ONLY YOU!

i am at the end of myself... and Who do i meet? the King, inviting me to dance in His arms - His bride, His beloved, His own. He knows. and He reminded me that He knows... He knows how difficult this time is, and how my heart yearns for answers... and in the meantime, He wants to dance.

i'm inclined to acquiesce... HA. who am i kidding? i'm thrilled to be back in the safety in His arms, where i belong. everything else is gravy.

guard

this diverges from the last post, but something really cool happened last week that i don't want to forget...

i was praying with a group of friends. that, in and of itself, is not so strange in my world. however... the need to pray for myself in the midst of praying for someone else is new-ish. i felt a very strong warning in my spirit to protect myself - spiritually speaking - from words that were about to be spoken. strange... but i've learned to trust His promptings. so, from somewhere deep inside, i cried out for His protection - more specifically, for Him to guard my heart... and the coolest thing happened.

i very rarely experience Jesus in a tangible way... i suppose that's the case for most of us. but this night, i felt - and saw, if i am perfectly honest - His hand covering my heart.

stop for a minute and soak up those words. i felt His hand covering my heart!

that was enough for my heart to almost burst at His nearness, but there's more. the timing was absolutely perfect. the words and thoughts that came immediately following this divine encounter (sorry - i can't find the words to do this any justice) were very obviously meant to harm me... not by those who spoke them, but by the enemy of my heart. vicious arrows, meant to drive deeply in with barbs that are loathe to let go. i felt them bouncing off His hand.

i felt them bouncing off His hand!!! and it remained there, throughout the rest of the night, as the discussion continued and the arrows kept flying. i really don't know what else to say... other than He is truly a warrior, a mighty God, loving and protective and personal to the extreme. He saw the ambush coming, and thwarted it Himself, guarding the heart He has been so carefully restoring.

steward

[this is definitely not a completed thought... but i am pressed to go ahead and post this. i will expound on my thoughts as they cohere.]

ok, so before you think i'm off to live a life of solitude in the mountains... as lovely as that sounds, He did not bring me here, immerse me in christian community, only to pick me up and drop me in a new place where everything of value i've learned here is lost. no, no - He has something far more grand and adventurous up His sleeve.

for me - and i can only speak for me - for me, life has become a delicate balance of loving others well and taking care of my own heart. i, me - no one else - i am responsible for how i respond to the lives i'm allowed to come alongside, whether it's for a day, a week, a couple of years, or a lifetime.

now, take that truth and apply it to all of the heartwork He's been doing lately (time is rather fluid for me, so "lately" applies to a much broader time span - about a year-ish). casting a broad stroke, He has been showing me - reminding me - of the things that make me come alive - things i care deeply about - things that i am devoted to.

in the church, much emphasis is placed on stewardship - of people, money, time, relationships - and that is certainly biblical and necessary. however, my heart beats for a different kind of stewardship - and it's just as biblical and necessary, although not as prevalent in the everyday life of a church. my heart beats for the land and the sea and the creatures... and the beautiful and glorious thing is that He has called me to this love, this responsibility, this devotion because He trusts me and believes in me - how crazy is that???

i've wondered for almost a year how mhgs and seattle fit into this picture. in short, they don't. rather, they were dots - stepping stones on the path back to my heart - that forced me to really look at my life, my heart - and be ok with what i found there. what i found is that i am not called to walk with people through the darkest hours of their lives as a profession. i certainly do that in my personal lives and loves, but my heart is not wired to be a counselor... and that's ok. it's more than ok - it's an honest assessment of who i am, and who He made me to be. i love that He demands that level of honesty and transparency from me (well, i love it most of the time...).

so the obvious question is, "what's next?" truthfully, i don't know. back to school for a master's is an option, although i'm in no way convinced that i'm to be a scientist. i find myself these days immersed in loving well (i use that phrase a lot, but it's perfectly applicable) and staying tuned into the treasures He drops in my lap, and what they are meant to show me. i've long since accepted that this part of the journey is directed step by step by Him alone, and that's as it should be.

remember

i've spent a lot of time wondering why i struggle so much with really feeling a sense of belonging anywhere i've landed along this journey. it's been less intense than in the past, sort of tucked away in the recesses of my heart. it's much more of an on-going, quiet conversation between me and my Lord... and He, as always, is faithful to answer. rather, this time, He is faithful to remind...

He is faithful to remind me of all the things He used to shape me as a little girl - things that shaped my thought processes, the way i view the world, and the way i view Him. He dropped another treasure in my lap tonight in the form of a movie. we watched miss potter, and while there is much there that struck chords of dreams long forgotten, the closing line ("where i belong.") is what made me realize that i haven't spent the last 34 years trying to figure out what i'm supposed to do with my life - i've spent the last 25 or so years trying to remember:


there are times i fear i lose myself
i don't know who i am
i get caught up in the struggle and the strain
with my back against a stonewall
my finger in the dam
losin' strength and goin' down again


and i take a look around me
my eyes can't find the sun
there's nothing wild as far as i can see
then my heart turns to alaska
and freedom on the run
i can hear her spirit callin' me


to the mountains, i can rest there
to the rivers, i will be strong
to the forest, i'll find peace there
to the wild country, where i belong


oh, i know some times i worry
on worldly ways and means
and i can see the future killing me
on a misbegotten highway
of prophecies and dreams
a road to nowhere and eternity


and i know it's just changes
yes, and mankind marchin' on
i know we can't live in yesterday
but compared to what we're losin'
and what it means to me
i'd give my life and throw the rest away


to the mountains, i can rest there
to the rivers, i will be strong
to the forest, i'll find peace there
to the wild country, where i belong
i belong to the wild country...
where i belong

to the wild country
--words and music by john denver

courage

rise and run to the place where fear and dreams collide...

--leigh barkalow, captivating retreat, ransomed heart ministries

[i don't know who the original author of this quote is, so i can only credit the speaker]

these words bring me to a place in my soul where the ache of possibility and the fear of hope leave me stripped bare, in a place of absolute vulnerability before my King.

well

an entry from my journal written at the captivating retreat in september 2006:

... can i live deeply from my heart for You, so that i may champion, call out, encourage, allure, arouse, defend, LOVE fully? all good things come from You... i've been so afraid to ask You, Lord, but i'm asking now, with much fear and trembling. help me to love well - to love You first, and from the overflow of that, love my friends, my family, my community... dare i ask You for more than You've already given me... i ask You, with a heart that strives to be open to Your answer. Lord, i await You...

and an entry from the march 2007 retreat:

... just one simple question, Lord. will You teach me to love well?...

help me to love well.

i had forgotten that i asked Him that. those exact words have come up several times over the past few months, as He peels back the layers of resolve and woundedness and re-shapes my heart... but i didn't connect the dots until i re-read my journals from the retreats the other night.

i had forgotten - but He hadn't.

exchange

my feet are wet with dew.

i woke up this morning to what's become a typical sense of unease. ignoring it, i said 'good morning' to the Lord, boiled water for coffee, and walked the dog as the coffee dripped.

my heart is burdened beyond anything i've known in a long time. trying to push past all the lies that come screaming at me first thing in the morning, i found simple joy in the warmth of the early morning sun on my face. as we rounded the building, i saw a squirrel sitting in a bird bath, birds busy at the feeders above, and i thought to myself, "see how He provides for the birds of the air, for His creatures... isn't He great?"

He's been waking me up around 7:30 consistently for awhile now. it's amazing. i've been quietly praying for Him to reset my internal clock, for more time with Him in the quiet hours of the morning, and He is faithful to answer. i've given up the late night hours when i can really write in exchange for dew and sunshine, provided by, and shared with, the King.

my heart is stirred, longing. it is still burdened and heavy, but a little less so, broken by a glimpse of His face.

my feet are wet with dew.

onward

i've been paid 2 totally different compliments in the past week, completely unsolicited and exactly what my heart needs to hear:

the first one just makes me laugh, which is always nice - it was a very spontaneous, "i didn't think you could get any cooler..."

and the one my heart really needed - "as i watched the movie [pirates 3] i couldn't help but compare keira knightley's character [elizabeth swan] to you... her ferocity, leadership, sheer determination and courage... the way she is drawn to the sea, and how comfortable she is aboard the ship..." there was more, but my heart stopped at the initial comparison. what an amazing thing for my heart to hear from someone i love deeply and whom i admire immensely!

i love it when He does that!

there is more to say, so there may be a part 2, but this is where my heart is resting right now.

curious, isn't it?

of all the things you can't do... which will you do?

-- captain jack sparrow pirates of the caribbean - at world's end

[this is a quote from a tv spot in the jacksonville market. i haven't seen it again to verify the wording - i will when the movie comes out... in the meantime, it's a great quote and way too applicable to my life...]

it seems this may be from a deleted scene, as it wasn't in the movie. still a GREAT quote...

treasure hunt

we went on a treasure hunt the other day... well, at least what i consider a treasure hunt. we were looking for a tracking band that was on a wood stork. the band had been sending out a mortality signal, which means that the wearer of said band was likely dead. since these devices are upwards of $5000 each, there is a pretty good effort made to locate the bands once the mortality signal goes out. all we had to go by were GPS coordinates emitted every 3 days. here are some pictures of the adventure - what a great time!!!





this is where we launched from - that's not fog - it's smoke from all the fires here - currently over 230 wildfires in florida.

dang, where's my rod and reel when i need them???

getting close!!! that's a cypress swamp normally - florida is in extreme drought, hence the wildfires...

ummm... this may be harder than we thought... that grass is 5' tall - and so am i...

found it!!! and it only took us 20 minutes or so... he was calling on the patron saint of lost items... apparently there is no need to bury a statue for this saint...

no, that's not your eyes - it's blurry on purpose - if i let you see the coordinates, i'd have to kill you... now that's a fine piece of technology recovered... and the bird was definitely d-e-a-d dead.

this one's not!!! that's a limpkin... or so i was told by the expert.

sooo beautiful!

wow - such beauty in the midst of hard times - the cypress roots are exposed due to the drought.

bonus!!! that's a bald eagle eyeing us from the top of a palm tree missing it's crown - probably from a hurricane.

reach

virginia tech is selling t-shirts to raise money for the victims' families... there are many needs, including funeral expenses and counseling for the students and faculty.

they are 5 bucks each. the website is http://www.hokiesunited.org.vt.edu/.

i'm not trying to talk you into helping... but i am inviting you to participate in the healing process for this community.

joy?

what makes me so full of joy that tears are the only true release?

• the birth of a child
• laughter
• music - especially the cello
• abandoned worship

angry?

what makes me so angry i could spit?

• manipulation
• lies
• abuse
• injustice - especially political
• cruelty

ache?

what makes me ache?

• the vastness of the ocean and the mountains
• suffering - of any kind - but especially kids
• beauty
• mediocrity (this also fits under angry)
• schloss vollrads kabinett riesling
• the closing scene of love actually
• clearwater fishing camp

faster?

what makes my heart beat faster?

• preparing for a storm to come in
• heading straight into a dangerous situation to help others
• finding something precious that i thought was lost
• finally putting words to a thought that has been eluding me
• being on a boat - this is where i feel most alive
• being in the water
• fighting fires and preventing disaster

heartbeat

by listening to my heart. by choosing to decide. what makes my heart beat faster? what makes me ache? what makes me so angry i could spit, and what makes me so full of joy that tears are the only true release? the answers to these questions will guide me toward all that Jesus intends for my life.

this is a snippet of the last post. the next 4 posts will seek to answer the questions posed as a way of really seeking to put a finger on the heartbeat of my life. though not verbatim, i am following a basic concept outlined by dan allender in to be told.

because my thoughts are not linear, i am putting all four posts up... they will be works in progress. please know that you are welcome to add your thoughts in the comment section... whether they are something you know about me, or something you've learned about yourself along the way.

unrequited

have you ever found yourself at a crossroad, only to discover that you've been there many times before? all the landmarks are the same. the choices are the same - which means you've chosen the same circuitous route the last time you were here. how do you get off the merry-go-round and jump into the fray? how do you choose correctly, so as not to end up here again?

two roads diverged in a wood, and i - i chose the one less traveled, as frost has it. that's all fine and well if life were really just about "choose path a" or "choose path b". however... nothing is as simple as we'd like it to be, nor as clear and certain. Jesus is the Way, but we, by far and large, get to write our own stories. as someone who has made a myriad of poor choices along the way, it's a little disheartening to realize that i can't just sit back and expect the Lord to live for me. He invites us to journey with Him, to step out onto God's stage, to play our role well, as dan allender puts it in to be told. my constant and agonizing dilemma is that i don't have a clue where the stage is, much less which costume to put on, or what role i am to play. from what i've been hearing from the Lord, my life exists to reveal His glory, and to reveal an aspect of His character that no other life can. that's a cool thought - i just wish He had seen fit to send me a script.

let's take a little tangent to see if i can illustrate the larger thought process going on here - stick with me - it will seem convoluted, but hopefully, i will be able to wrap the thoughts together into some form of cohesive whole... i made a conscious decision to stick with my marriage long after it was nothing but a farce. i had convinced myself that i needed to do everything in my power to "make it work" so that i could look back and say that i tried everything i possibly could before i gave up - when, in reality, i had already given up. given the perspective of time and a little wisdom, i begin to see the flaws in that reasoning. my marriage was dead and doomed far before my ex left me. so what really led me to stay for many more years than i should have? the awful and honest answer is pride. i had to convince myself that i would shoulder no blame for the failure... which is total bullshit. of course i shoulder and share blame for failure - how arrogant and stupid of me to waste precious time "doing everything that i could" when there was nothing left to be saved. (i suppose i should add the caveat that we were unequally yoked...)

there was nothing about the extra years added to my marriage that glorified God. there was nothing there that pointed to Him... it was only after he had finally left me, and i finally had my excuse to divorce him - and promptly fell flat on my face - that the Lord showed up to fix anything. in my utter brokenness, He was able to finally get my attention, nay, submission, that He was really after... and i became teachable.

one of the words consistently used to describe me is "strong." i became "strong" as a way to cope with all life threw at me. let me just tell you, it's not all that it's cracked up to be. without the Lord, being strong equates to being hard, instead of the gentle strength that the Lord intends for us to possess. being "strong" required the Lord to be "stronger" than me. He allowed a series of major life events to happen in my life, one at a time, right on the heels of each other, and it was the sum of these events that eventually broke me, well before i understood the concept of brokenness - or was at least able to recognize it, and therefore name it.

so what about the life i lead right now glorifies God? not much is my biggest fear. what am i doing for the Kingdom of God? more importantly - what am i going to do for the Kingdom? these are the answers that i'm seeking, and the questions continually bring me back to this place - i've been brought back to this crossroad, able to recognize that i've been here before - and that i'd rather not come back to this place again... ever. so how do i put this behind me, so that i don't return to this place of loneliness, fear and uncertainty?

by listening to my heart. by choosing to decide. what makes my heart beat faster? what makes me ache? what makes me so angry i could spit, and what makes me so full of joy that tears are the only true release? the answers to these questions will guide me toward all that Jesus intends for my life. life is a journey into the heart of God, is it not? journeys don't imply places of rest, peace and respite... although i will surely encounter all of those many times in this life. journeys also involve aching with loneliness and death, struggle and defeat, triumph and joy. one of the ministers of my former church put it this way - find a problem and be a part of the solution. that leaves a ginormous number of possibilities, and i'd much rather be called with more specificity. the enormity of possibility is too overwhelming for me.

i've often described life as a series of seasons - i think "jaunts" may be a better word. these jaunts connect to become the larger foray into living life well. what matters most to me is that i reveal the character and glory of God along each jaunt... which brings me to the original thought for this post. i don't have difficulties embracing the Truth of who God says i am, or the sufficiency of the Cross, or the beauty of redemption. my life right now seems to be a paradigm between embracing the Truth and truly walking in it... and what does that look like, anyway? apparently not like i expected it to...

in this moment, watching the relentless onslaught of the waters of the gulf of mexico, i am struck by how hard i've tried to live the Truth i've been taught over the past several years - and how discouraging it is that i continue to end up here, at this same crossroad - again. i've taken some time to read back over the posts on this blog, and it seems that i've not made much forward progress in the things that my heart truly struggles with - acceptance, belonging, a deep need to be settled and secure... and needed, wanted and loved. my identity in Christ tells me that i am all these things, and more. would it be horribly uncomfortable for you if i admitted that, as much as i want that to be enough, it's not? i still ache for more... kinda like the little kid in grade school who has no friends and is constantly picked on, who, in an effort to comfort her, is told that Jesus loves her. yeah, that's great, but it doesn't stop the torment. or offering the homeless guy on the side of the road a track... you get the point. I WANT MORE.

here's the problem, as i see it. i've learned the value of community and developed a deep desire to abide there - yet i remove myself from it on a daily basis. my deep need for solitude is juxtaposed over my deep need to be valued. i am constantly barraged with thoughts of not belonging, which points to the warfare set against me. i don't have (much of) a problem with my current circumstances, but many in my life do, and that causes tension between my desire to be accepted and my desire to please God. my heart aches to be loved, and refuses the love offered. i am silent, even as i deeply mourn the silence of others in my life.

recognizing that i am my biggest problem has not yet helped me move forward. i am truly blessed with a few deep and abiding friendships, and we walk together, teaching each other more about loving God and loving man... and loving ourselves. there are other relationships in my life that feel more like curses, and it is time to talk to Jesus about what He wants to do about that. and while i'm so introspective and in a posture to listen... my heart has been mishandled from the beginning, by myself and by others. it's time to talk to Him about that, too.

hope

i woke up to these words (below)... this is the first time i've really been able to pray about what happened at virginia tech. yes, my heart has cried out for the families that lost so much, and the community there that is so deeply shocked and grieving. but today, the first words out of my mouth were a prayer of gratitude, as tears fell for the first time. "Father, thank You so much for a President who is wise enough to know that You are the only Source of comfort and hope for that community... and for his courage to point them to You."

this gratitude was followed quickly by anger aimed at the local media for only showing a snippet of his address where he tells the audience that the nation is thinking about them. "what the hell good does thinking do? what kind of hope does that offer?" i remember those words blazing through my mind as i watched the news last night. the hypocrisy of the media absolutely astounds me. they - by far and large - jump up and down on their 1st amendment right to print whatever the hell they want to, regardless of who it harms, and then dare to turn around and manipulate someone's words so as not to offend.

i'll now step down off my soapbox and allow my heart to return to that state of gratitude and hope. President Bush's words are below. i hope they offer you the same comfort they offered that community, and me. thank you, Mr. President, for your courage and wisdom.

here's the link - President Bush Offers Condolences at Virginia Tech Memorial Convocation

THE PRESIDENT: Governor, thank you. President Steger, thank you very much. Students, and faculty, and staff, and grieving family members, and members of this really extraordinary place.
Laura and I have come to Blacksburg today with hearts full of sorrow. This is a day of mourning for the Virginia Tech community -- and it is a day of sadness for our entire nation. We've come to express our sympathy. In this time of anguish, I hope you know that people all over this country are thinking about you, and asking God to provide comfort for all who have been affected.

Yesterday began like any other day. Students woke up, and they grabbed their backpacks and they headed for class. And soon the day took a dark turn, with students and faculty barricading themselves in classrooms and dormitories -- confused, terrified, and deeply worried. By the end of the morning, it was the worst day of violence on a college campus in American history -- and for many of you here today, it was the worst day of your lives.

It's impossible to make sense of such violence and suffering. Those whose lives were taken did nothing to deserve their fate. They were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Now they're gone -- and they leave behind grieving families, and grieving classmates, and a grieving nation.

In such times as this, we look for sources of strength to sustain us. And in this moment of loss, you're finding these sources everywhere around you. These sources of strength are in this community, this college community. You have a compassionate and resilient community here at Virginia Tech. Even as yesterday's events were still unfolding, members of this community found each other; you came together in dorm rooms and dining halls and on blogs. One recent graduate wrote this: "I don't know most of you guys, but we're all Hokies, which means we're family. To all of you who are okay, I'm happy for that. For those of you who are in pain or have lost someone close to you, I'm sure you can call on anyone of us and have help any time you need it."

These sources of strength are with your loved ones. For many of you, your first instinct was to call home and let your moms and dads know that you were okay. Others took on the terrible duty of calling the relatives of a classmate or a colleague who had been wounded or lost. I know many of you feel awfully far away from people you lean on and people you count on during difficult times. But as a dad, I can assure you, a parent's love is never far from their child's heart. And as you draw closer to your own families in the coming days, I ask you to reach out to those who ache for sons and daughters who will never come home.

These sources of strength are also in the faith that sustains so many of us. Across the town of Blacksburg and in towns all across America, houses of worship from every faith have opened their doors and have lifted you up in prayer. People who have never met you are praying for you; they're praying for your friends who have fallen and who are injured. There's a power in these prayers, real power. In times like this, we can find comfort in the grace and guidance of a loving God. As the Scriptures tell us, "Don't be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

And on this terrible day of mourning, it's hard to imagine that a time will come when life at Virginia Tech will return to normal. But such a day will come. And when it does, you will always remember the friends and teachers who were lost yesterday, and the time you shared with them, and the lives they hoped to lead. May God bless you. May God bless and keep the souls of the lost. And may His love touch all those who suffer and grieve.

ruined, again

[many of the ideas here are not original thought - they are largely lessons learned from the team at ransomed heart, and from the ring, and things He's shown me along the way...]

Jesus ruined my life.

you know... the life i had all planned out growing up. not dreams, per se, but life according to ann. my plan. my life.

my life, huh? ummm... not so much - but i have a sneaking suspicion that He has so much more in store for this life than i've ever dared to imagine.

if my life had turned out as planned, let's look at what my life would look like today. (i'll keep it to adulthood, for the sake of readability) i got married at 22, and immediately started trying to have kids. i wanted 3-4 boys (NO girls!) and i was going to be finished having kids by age 30. i bought my first house at age 23, and planned to own my home outright by flipping homes 3 times. so by now, i would have been married 12 years, had 3-4 boys and been working on house number 3.

now, let's look at what my life actually looks like. i'm divorced. and single. no kids. no home. no job, for that matter.

now, it seems to me that when the Lord strips away EVERY aspect of your life, He has a damn good reason for doing so. circumstantially, from the outside looking in, my life is pretty scary to most people. in His eyes, it's EXACTLY what it's supposed to be... strange that He has taken so much time, involved so many people and has gone to so much trouble just for me. God doesn't strike me as One to jack around with His kids' lives just for the entertainment factor - although i have to admit to imagining Him getting a really good, deep-down belly laugh from my antics, shaking His head in wonder or bemusement every now and again.

He didn't just ruin my life. He ruined me. there's a couple of things i've learned about the Lord over the years. He's a REALLY BIG GOD. He is faithful, especially when we are not. you don't have the power to screw up His plans. you can choose to participate to the fullest, or stay in the margins. He is not safe. He's an insane risk-taker. He's incredibly vulnerable, with a quiet strength that just staggers me. He's wildly lavish, and decidedly jealous. He will break you to have you, and He will ruin your life. He is passionate in His pursuit of you, and will do anything to win your heart... which just happens to be the one thing He can't take from you.

when you really wrap your brain around Who He is (good luck with that), around His extravagant love for us... just a glimmer of that knowledge will absolutely ruin you. it will wipe away every preconceived notion of what life is supposed to look like, who you thought He was, what you thought the message of the Gospels is - all ruined, just like that. poof. and when you come face to face with your sulf-sufficient pride, arrogance - your humanity - sigh. and then He... He brings you fully into His heart, and you realize that there is more going on here than you dared to imagine. "i wonder what sort of tale we've fallen into?" sam wonders in the fellowship of the ring. yes, exactly.

following Jesus is not about behavior modification. it's not about being good or following the rules. it's not about duty or obligation or even sin (GASP)... and it's not about circumstances. following Jesus is about love. it's that simple, and that profound... and that beautiful.

cooper's blog

so many of you have been asking for updates on cooper. well, little did i know that he has a blog! his link is to the right - i encourage you to read the entire blog when you have a chance - such an awesome testimony of God's faithfulness and his parent's faith.

on behalf of the lusk's and the ring community church, THANK YOU for your love and your prayers.

GOD IS SOOO GOOD!!!