weight - revisited

[the quote at the bottom, originally attributed to nelson mandela, is actually used in his inaugural speech, but was written by marianne williamson in "a return to love: reflections on the principles of a course in miracles" - thanks, taylor, for allowing me to give proper credit!]

it seems as though i created quite a stir with the last post - unintentionally. let me see if i can clarify what i was trying to say, and more importantly, what i was not trying to say...

i believe at the core of who i am that part of the way the Lord uses me is that He gives me the courage to be transparent. in doing so, i am able to share my struggles, my joy, my victories - the glory of my life - while at the same time offering some comfort, some measure of assurance to my readers, that they are not alone in the things that they struggle with. in this way, the saying "the ground is level at the cross" is apparent and real.

yes, i was having a hard time over the weekend. i actually began "weight" on friday night and saved it as a draft, because i knew that what i was feeling was not as important as the Truth i was trying to get across. i got up saturday and re-worked it, leaving it real but bringing more Truth into it. fighting off the lies and living intentionally in the Truth is not easy, and sometimes it's a process to get it right - to communicate correctly the work that He is doing in me.

you'll notice that "weight" is a series of feelings, of questions, and ends up a declaration of what i believe (with a play on words throughout). somehow, most of the feedback i received focused on the negative, and not on the rejection of the lies that were slamming me that night. when i revisited the draft saturday, it was - and remains - my belief that taking away the transparency of my struggle somehow cheats myself and you - and i refuse to do that.

do i really believe that i am flat rejected by the ring? no, of course not.

do i struggle to know my true motives for moving to seattle - if that even really happens? yes. to be cavalier about such a decision would be at best stupid, and at worst, disastrous.

do i struggle in this wait? absolutely yes. but i trust more than i struggle these days. being positive all the time would be inaccurate and, in essence, lying to my friends, my community, my audience. not going to happen.

i love you all for your concern and your encouragement. i love you for speaking up, for rising to my defense. i guess what concerns me is my lack of ability to clearly articulate what was going on in my mind - you all understood the struggle, but not the defiance - the victory.

helen came the closest to understanding, perhaps because she was the one to speak the very words over me that i began the post with - that i would gain spiritual weight. her response was spot on:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

--Nelson Mandella

I have only spent 4 days with you, mainly doing crazy things (dancing in the snow, swimming under the stars, soaking in a hot tub in a blizzard!... but I miss you terribly. Let your light shine, be patient while God adds the weight of maturity and wisdom to your life and live life to the full!