much

this post has been a long time coming. the Lord has just released me to write it, and quite honestly, it's difficult to make myself write this one - weird, huh? - which to me means that i am supposed to write it. i've alluded to it in yes and acquiesce, but it wasn't time to write this one yet. so, here goes. Lord, please give me the words.

the last day of the captivating retreat, i went for a walk between sessions. i had been in colorado for 4 days and had not once gone off by myself, not once gone off to be in the wilderness, not once gone off to be out in the woods, alone with the Lord. yeah, i know... the next time i will be much more deliberate about actually getting alone with Him, surrounded and enveloped by the splendor of the rockies.

as i was walking, i was stopping here and there, taking pictures - something else i had not found much time for. i was drinking in the beauty around me, relishing in His wildness and majesty... i love that He is that way. He was in quite a mood - vastly attentive, pleased that i had sought Him out, and, quite frankly, He showing off. i was on a deliberate ramble, if that makes sense. i was letting Him guide my steps, letting Him show me what He wanted me to see. as we walked, i would think something, and He would cause it to happen... let me give you a couple of examples.

the snow had lingered, and i wanted to take some close-up shots. i prefer them to landscape shots, because there is no way to really capture the vastness of the mountains on camera - at least, not with my camera. so i was just wandering, and i told Him that while everything around me was beautiful, He had not shown me anything really spectacular to take a picture of. i immediately came upon red maple leaves, partially covered in snow. then i wanted an aspen changing colors - and voilà! then i could here the sound of running water, and i wanted to see it, so He led me there, too. it was just really great fellowship with the Lord - the kind we long for and for some reason or another, rarely experience. He was all about being the Lord of Creation, my Sovereign, the Lover of my Soul - He was just eating it up. i know it sounds weird to tell you how the Lord was feeling, but i just knew He was enjoying Himself, just showing off, spending time with me. He invited me to walk with Him, and He stayed with me every step of the way, showing me things as soon as i asked for them, and telling me answers to questions that i had just barely gotten off the tip of my tongue, figuratively speaking.

it was time to head back for the closing session, and as i was walking along, i mentioned to Him that He had not shown me any wildlife... and a chipmunk immediately ran out in front of me. i laughed, and He said, "see, you are not asking Me for much. I am so much bigger, so much more capable than you are asking Me to be in your life." as i was chewing on that admonishment, i followed the chipmunk to a bush, where it sat and posed for me as i took it's picture - twice. i was no more than 2 feet from this creature, and it just sat on it's branch, looking at me, letting me get as close as i could without actually climbing into the bush with it. i knew what Jesus said was true... i had not asked Him for the deep desires of my heart - a calling, a heart fully alive, a purpose, a role, to be significant for the Kingdom, to be a powerful intercessor, to be part of an intimate alliance with a man that i can love fully, and that can fully love me...

the one problem in my life that He would not let me ask Him about before that walk was regarding work and school. that weekend was about healing, about learning how to draw close to Him, about knowing Him intimately. so He finally allowed me to ask, and He answered with a question - "do you trust Me?" my response? "yes..." "no, do you REALLY trust Me?" again, "yes, Lord, i trust You."

i was approaching the back of the conference center, and had quite a steep hill to climb. i chose to climb a natural ravine created by runoff - muddy, but it offered more solid footing. as i topped the rise, i ran into one of the on-site intercessors. the Lord placed me on his heart over the weekend, and he had been very faithful to speak words of encouragement and Life to me every time he saw me. seeing me come over the hill, he stopped to ask me if the Lord had given me any answers to my questions about work and school. i told him that He had not allowed me to ask until just then - and i told him the conversation i had just had with the Lord. his response? "good - then go dance with your Lord." meaning, of course, that i had my answer - He is in control - and that i am not to dwell and worry and fret about it. that i am to just enjoy getting to know Him better, to listen to Him, to let Him love me, and love Him well in return... wow - who speaks words of love and Life so consistently, and so genuinely? mike, that's who. what an amazing man of God...

so, for the 6 weeks or so since i've been back from the retreat, the Lord has been slowly putting pieces in place for me. up to this point, i have been just trusting Him for His provision and revelation in my life. i had not been praying specifically for either - just trusting Him. the other day, He pointed that out to me. how am i supposed to hear if i don't ask? so, He led me back to 2 kings 20, where hezekiah is told that he is about to die (i wrote about this in come away). this time, the Lord told me to pray as hezekiah had prayed... so i have been. then, last thursday, sitting in traffic during a deluge, He told me that i had not been praying "big" enough, or specific enough... so i told Him, "ok, You're a big God, i'm going to pray big. i want a job that leads me straight to seattle, one that i cannot deny is from You - one that is personally fulfilling and gratifying. and i want to be able to come back here, to minister to the Body at the ring. i want to be able to support myself financially, and be able to help my mom pay off her debt, and i want to be able to support my church. i want to be absolutely certain that You want me to go into the counseling program at mhgs. i want to be equipped to really help the Body that i love so much. i want my life to glorify You. i want You to be totally in control here - open and shut doors, according to Your will."

thursday night, i told paula about all this, and she said that she had been waiting for me to realize that there is a company here, one that has been running around my brain for about 3 weeks now - and that company has management positions that could lead me to corporate in seattle. friday, i told meg about all this, and she agreed to pray with me. saturday, i got on the company's website, and realized that there is no way that i would work for them - i have to be able to believe fully in a company that i work for - which, by the way, is why i cannot return to work for philip if he asks - i believe in the company we were, but not what they have become - the Lord would have to be very specific to send me to atlanta... this morning, i had an email from a job site in seattle that i have registered on. there is a job opening there, 5.9 miles from mhgs, that i am more than qualified for, that pays well, that is the next logical step in my career, that is hiring immediately...

yes, i applied for the job... praying the whole time, i might add. after i applied, i sat on my bathroom counter, looking at my laptop on the floor, and thought about how cool it is that He has been telling me (and a couple of other close friends) to enjoy these last days of rest, because life is about to get rockin' and rollin'... the cool thing about this situation is that this can only happen by the Lord's will. the job site that i registered on is one that touts local candidates. they may see baton rouge on my resume and delete it immediately. or, they may just be curious enough about my diverse education and professional experience to ask me to interview. now, we all know that i don't have money for a plane ticket to seattle... not to go for the "meet and greet" at mhgs coming up mid-november, nor for a job interview, nor do i have the money to move cross-country... only He can cause all this to come about. so, i prayed, i applied, i prayed some more, and now, i'm waiting to see what's next. the cool part is that it's totally up to Him, and i'm totally cool with that. i can even imagine living there now - how crazy is that? i can even picture my apartment, although in my mind, it has sunlight streaming through the windows overlooking puget sound... 6 weeks ago, i was sitting at the airport in denver, sick at the thought that He might actually be serious about sending me to seattle...

my mom said that she is rescinding the hug she gave josh if i get this job... but she was teasing. she is as excited about all this as i am. who knew? and who knows? it's His story - i'm just waiting to see what the next chapter brings.